


Here and Now

by DritaA_Clexa4ever



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, Psychology, Romance, Slow Burn, clexa au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 81,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26396512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DritaA_Clexa4ever/pseuds/DritaA_Clexa4ever
Summary: Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.Narration on behalf of Lexa
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia & Lexa (The 100), Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 36
Kudos: 96





	1. Acquaintance

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Здесь и сейчас](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/681658) by iPesto. 



> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

The May morning turned out to be warm like a summer: the sun, despite the early hour, was already noticeably hot, and a thin haze smoked over the long-uncut lawn - then the dawn dew slowly evaporated, hanging in heavy transparent drops on long grass blades. thought Alexandria, looking out the window at her own plot of land and slowly finishing her tea. - . Sighing heavily, she put the empty cup in the sink and started getting ready for work.

Thoughts revolved around the cunning William - a real estate agent who, a month ago, shamelessly sold her this crumbling dwelling filled to the brim with other people's trash on the outskirts of New Jersey, presenting the case as if she got a luxury villa on the Cote d'Azur for free - with a million to boot. Lexa muttered gruffly under her breath, brushing her hair so she could braid it into a fancy hairstyle.  
Lexa chuckled: interesting if talking to a cat will she feel less crazy?

Or will they one day go crazy together? Ravings. Animals do not go crazy, this is an exclusively human prerogative. Although, again, depending on who you call people: over the years of professional practice, Alexandria has become convinced how difficult it is sometimes for people to remain human. And it is even more difficult not to judge anyone. No one and never, no matter how strong the temptation is, and no matter what snow-white clothes you don’t put on, playing the games of your mind. Because one day the time will come, and you yourself will find yourself in the close trap of your own illusions and fears; you will be left alone with the vices that you did not suspect, and the weakness that you were ashamed of; you will fight with pain and spiritual darkness, knowing that no one in the whole world will come to your aid, because this is only your war. And only your victory, which is often no better than defeat.  
Costia always said that in white clothes it would be nice to sit on a cloud with a lute in his hands, but they clean the shit in a rubber apron and gloves that stick to clean skin - you can't tear it off. Costia, Costia ... How are you there now? ..

Alexandria shook her head in displeasure, driving away the ghosts of the past: perhaps one day there will come a day that will not begin with the thought of her. Maybe. In the meantime, just need to endure. Lexa closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to focus on the point between her eyebrows. When a pleasant rumble of thoughtlessness filled her head, she did a few more breathing exercises, and then continued to pack.

A black two-piece trouser suit with a classic white shirt was replaced by loose indoor clothes, and Alexandria involuntarily grimaced - she hated these office tie-shirt shackles, this feeling of chest tightness and stiffness of movements, but what to do: for some reason, jeans, sneakers and a sweatshirt not credible the trust of clients, and they strove to merge into the fog, taking their complexes and savings with them. Lexa grumbled, taking one last look at her reflection in the mirror.

Lexa laughed, short and nervously. The forced two-year celibacy was already beginning to strain a little, but Alexandria did not know how to interrupt such a prolonged abstinence. Drunk sex in a nightclub toilet was definitely not for her, and the few dates she decided on after a short chat on the Internet ended the same way.  
Equally bad. Someone else's hands, someone else's lips, someone else's smell. A feeling of disgust and self-loathing, anger at Costia, who never belonged to her completely, but, nevertheless, demanded reciprocal loyalty and seemed to put an energy chastity belt on Lexa, forgetting to give the damn key to him at parting. It was not possible to pick up the master key.

Lexa thought gloomily, finally gathering herself and putting on soft rag loafers without a heel. She did not intend to mutilate her back for the sake of fashion, although she admitted that slender female legs, emphasized by a high stiletto heel, are one of the sexiest things in this mortal world. But for everything, as usual, you had to pay: either sexy legs or a healthy back. Alexandria chose the latter. And yes, Costia considered her a terrible bore.

Alexandria left the house, took a deep breath of the fresh country air and, fiddling with the key fob with the keys, walked down the overgrown path to the car parked at the gate. she thought for the umpteenth time and shrugged her shoulders chilly as she felt the thin cloth moccasins getting wet from the dew. The cold, which had receded after a hot shower, penetrated into her again, spread over the chest and abdomen, settled in the feet and palms.

Lexa hastily got into the car and turned on the air conditioner for heating, although she knew, knew for sure - it would not help, because it was not at all about wet feet or the ambient temperature. It was a nice little neurosis that she had developed on that deaf February night in Chicago, when she sat for several hours on the icy tiled floor in her own bathroom, first choking on tears, and then, when her sobs dried up, hiccupping and shuddering all over, wanting only one thing - to cease to exist in a given place at a given time interval, to forget, to be transported in time and space to a place where it will become easier to breathe and it will be possible to warm up at least a little.  
That night cost her almost a whole year of panic attacks and hysterics, insomnia and inner silence, when not only the mind, but also the body is silent, requiring neither water, nor food, nor heat. Of course, in such a state there could be no question of counseling; she herself needed help, which she received for a year, until she received a positive opinion from her supervisor.  
Another six months was spent on restoring the license, moving and shaking things down: finding an office and an assistant, establishing lost connections, attracting new clients.

Now, two years later, Lexa could be proud of herself - she coped, won this unequal battle with the demons of the void, started working again, bought a house (almost on the Cote d'Azur) and might even have a kitten. The habitual sarcastic and elated mood began to return to her more and more often, which few people managed to ruin. Costia was successful.  
Almost always, when she wanted it - after all, after six years of incomprehensible, painful for both relationships, they studied each other well: all the weaknesses and habits, all the complexes and pain points, everything that can be turned against in quarrels. But Costia was far away, in Chicago, and Lexa smiled happily, catching herself that at this thought a through hole the size of a soccer ball did not appear in her chest, but just a little heart squeezed and immediately returned to its usual rhythm.

Alexandria thought calmly and even stopped being annoyed at the eternal New York traffic jams. More than an hour was left before the meeting with the first client. She will still have time to drink tea in the office and, perhaps, crawls around the sites of cat shelters. If you start a feline creature, then let it be something small, skinny and eared, in dire need of warmth, affection and care - Lexa really hoped that her inner resources would be enough for such a small creature. After all, you have to start somewhere.

Clients are different: someone is afraid of heights or open spaces, someone cannot stand the slightest noise or, on the contrary, they are afraid of silence, someone is prevented from living by billions of microbes on the mucous membrane of their own mouth, and someone, on the contrary, is obsessed with theories of the world domination and considers elementary hygiene a terrible weapon, which is designed to weaken the immune system and exterminate humanity. The latter Lexa was a little afraid of - they were natural psychos, who could only be helped by intensive psychotherapy, but not two hour and a half psychoanalytic sessions a week.  
In Chicago they came with enviable regularity - either attracted by her blog about phobias and advertising on specialized forums, or obeying some kind of inner compass, the needle of which unmistakably picks up fear. Alexandria knew that in order for them not to come again, you need to stop being afraid and try to sincerely pity them. It is then that the lesson will be passed, the karmic knot will be untied, and the thread of being will slide further unhindered until it bumps into the next contradiction that requires immediate resolution. However, all this was good in theory and speculative conclusions - in fact, the fear did not recede, and Lexa waited with a shudder for the first of them to appear.

The only thing she could do to somehow delay this moment was to rid her consulting room of unnecessary emanations of fear, and must say, she managed to please almost all common neuroses: the room was small, but bright and comfortable , and was located on the first floor of an old mansion in a not very prestigious, but very green area. There were no skyscrapers, no railways, no major highways, and no metal structures, antennas or emergency loudspeakers nearby.

There was no visor above the door to the office space, there were only three steps to the porch, and the floors were tiled with non-slip tiles. In addition, Lexa asked the owner for permission to cut all the sills - she remembered too well her first client, who could not bring herself to step over a two-centimeter obstacle. Alexandria then, after much persuasion and exhortation, simply pulled her hand, forcing her to cross the barrier.  
Then everything was recalled, as if in a fog: a woman's hysteria, a severe asthmatic attack, ambulance doctors and the unbridled rage of Costia, who screamed at her intern for a good quarter of an hour, questioning not only her professionalism, but also her elementary ability to compassion. Then, however, she apologized for the words spoken in the heat, and they made up themselves hotly on the narrow uncomfortable sofa in the office, but since then Lexa has disliked sills ...

\- “Hi, Caroline,” Alexandria greeted her assistant as she entered a tiny reception area separated from the office by a massive soundproof door.  
\- "How are you?"

\- "Hello, Miss Hart. It's all right," answered a very young dark-haired girl, slightly getting up from her place at her desk. - "Mrs. Collins in the morning confirmed the meeting and should be about to drive up."

\- “Excellent,” Alexandria said absently, walking into her office.  
\- "Invite her as soon as she appears. And call me Lexa, please, how many time i can repeat."

\- “Okay, Lexa, I'm sorry,” Caroline was embarrassed and blushed rapidly. Alexandria noted this strange reaction to herself, but did not say anything - at twenty, everything seems too significant: both the fleeting discontent of another person, and the invented love for her own boss. Everything goes and it is also. - "Make you tea?"

\- “Yes, please,” Lexa nodded. - "And let's not close the door yet - it's stuffy. When will the ventilation system be repaired?"

\- "The manager promised that everything will be done by tomorrow."

\- “So it’s at least another week,” Lexa sighed as she sat down in a chair at her desk. - "I hope there won't be extreme heat, otherwise my clients will cook in their own juice."

\- “They’re all get out damp from you anyway,” Caroline laughed, appearing in the office with a cup of hot tea. She carefully walked around Lexa's desk and set the drink in front of her boss, accidentally (or was she intentionally?) Touching her hand. - "What are you doing with them behind a closed door?"

Alexandria frowned slightly and pursed her lips - she did not like all these jokes about the "true" methods of psychoanalysis, which consultants allegedly "treat" their clients in private. In addition, she was puzzled by her own reaction to the touch and flirting of her assistant: she suddenly wanted to bend Caroline onto the table, pull up her short skirt and roughly, animal-like, take possession of her - without looking in her face, without kissing on the lips, closing eyes and presenting place for Costia. Lexa thought and looked coldly at the girl.

\- “Go to work, Caroline,” Hart said dryly. - “Mrs. Collins is coming soon, let's not ruin the first impression of us with your absence from the workplace."

The girl nodded in frustration and left the office. Lexa thought irritably, turning on her laptop and opening her mail. . Having famously dealt with a dozen spam mailings offering to enlarge lips, boobs or penis (or maybe all at the same time), Alexandria hovered the mouse over a letter from her and Costia's Chicago friend, and froze in indecision. 

she decided and opened the following message from one of her clients, who preferred to appear for consultations once a month, and the rest of the time he bombarded the psychoanalyst with long letters with boring descriptions of his far from rosy everyday life. Quickly running the message diagonally, Lexa sighed and ticked "important" - in between consultations, must answer this weirdo, otherwise he won't get off of her.

Having finished with the mail and glancing at her watch - there were still fifteen minutes left before the consultation began - Alexandria typed in a search engine and plunged into the study of the subject. Very soon she realized that the good deed she had conceived was practically impracticable: there were too many of them, these feline creatures of different breeds and colors, and Lexa did not know how to choose her only kitten from this variety. For a few more minutes she was mindlessly staring at the black and white, red and turtle-colored muzzles, when suddenly a noise attracted her attention - looking up from the screen, Alexandria managed to see how a blonde girl flies into the office at the speed of a car, clearly ahead of her legs, and then, unable to stay on her feet, falls to the floor with a terrible crash. Lexa jumped up and rushed to the stranger, Caroline came to help from the reception. Raising the girl by the arms, they sat her down on a couch and began to fuss: they thrust a glass of water into the victim's hands, moistened and applied a handkerchief to the bump ripening on her forehead.

\- “Um, Mrs. Collins, I presume?Э Hart asked nervously.

\- "Yes ... Yes, it's me," the blonde muttered, feeling her rapidly inflating "trophy" on her forehead. - "Sorry, I stumbled. It seems you have a sill there ..."

At these words, Lexa was suddenly filled with a viscous sensation of deja-vu, and a strange, agonizing presentiment - as if her soul had left her body for a moment, touched the soul of the woman sitting on the couch, and then, contentedly, retired back into her bodily fetters - spread warmth all over body. This had already happened to her once - at the first meeting with Costia - and then Alexandria in all seriousness was sure that this was a signal from the universe, a kind of beacon that allowed their souls to find each other again in this world. But since then eight years have passed, and their "kindred" spiritual fusion has not ended with anything good. Lexa didn't want to get involved in this dubious soulmating again at all, all the more so - with her own client, obviously married, who, moreover, stumbled over imaginary sills ...

Hart thought, and, gesturing her assistant out, she firmly slammed the door to the office.


	2. Something About Mrs Collins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

\- “How are you feeling, Mrs. Collins?" Lexa asked as she carefully sat down next to the client. - "Maybe you need a doctor?"

\- “No, it's okay,” the blonde smiled weakly. - "The main thing is to appear effectively, right?"

\- "Oh, something, but you did it," Lexa grinned. - “Mrs. Collins, if you like, we can reschedule our meeting."

\- "No, no," the blonde shook her head. - "I'll just sit for a while, okay? My ears are still ringing.” She leaned back slightly on the side cushion of the couch and closed her eyes.

\- "Of course," Lexa said, and, taking the opportunity, glanced over the client's relaxed face, noting that the first impression of Mrs. Collins's rather young age was fundamentally wrong, and that, apparently, her youth clothes (baggy jeans and a loose kangaroo with the print of Homer Simpson showing the middle finger to others), as well as such an unusually rapid appearance in the office. 

Now, close up, Lexa noticed that Mrs. Collins was more likely her age - a little over thirty, give or take a couple of years - this was evidenced by small, barely distinguishable wrinkles around the eyes, the corners of the lips wearily lowered down and a deep crease between the eyebrows, which most likely, the consequence of some heavy thought, haunting day and night. Lexa has seen enough of such folds during its practice.«Hmmm, but the point, it seems, is not in imaginary sills,» Lexa thought and suddenly caught herself studying the client's thin lips, a mole next to the nasolabial fold, a touching dimple on the chin and transparent, barely noticeable fluff on the cheeks, illuminated by sunlight from the window.

Apparently, sensing such intent attention, the blonde lifted her eyelids, and Lexa shivered slightly, faced with the tenacious, attentive gaze of pale blue eyes. Oh, how Alexandria Hart did not like clients with such eyes - as a rule, they had already invented everything about themselves, and it took a huge amount of time and effort to dissuade them from their own illusions, otherwise consulting stalled and came to a standstill.  
In about half of the cases, it was not possible to shake their confidence, and they left convinced that they were right, spreading stories to the right and left that all psychologists were charlatans or crazy, unable to help even themselves. However, in the latter they were partly right: almost no one can heal themselves on their own, and almost always this crazy run in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts, incomprehensible feelings and emotions ends either in the narcologist's office or in the psychotherapist's office. Well, or in a Buddhist monastery. Whoever likes it more.

\- "Um," Mrs. Collins cleared her throat, drawing the attention of Lexa, who was clearly hanging. - “I think I'm fine and we can start, Miss Hart."

\- “Excellent,” Lexa replied, and she got up and walked to her chair. - "First, let's agree: this office is completely your space, Mrs. Collins, here you are safe and you can do whatever you want. Sitting in a chair or on the floor, lying on a couch, walking, jumping, talking or being silent - in short, behave in a way that is comfortable for you at the moment. Good?"

\- “Okay,” the client nodded and stared at the psychologist with a kind of childish curiosity. - "Is there anything else I need to know before we start?"

«In fact, we have already begun,» Lexa thought, but she said something else aloud:

\- "No, probably not ... By the way, you can call me Lexa, if it suits you."

\- “Clarke,” the blonde said. - "My name is Clarke."

\- “Nice to meet you, Clarke,” Lexa said softly. - "Could you first tell me a little about yourself? What you see fit, of course."

The client nodded uncertainly and, suddenly jumping up from the couch, began to walk around the office - two steps to the window, two steps back. Walking wide, nervously breaking her thin fingers - she ran like that for several minutes, and then, as if she had made up her mind, she said in a voice trembling with emotion:

\- "Well ... My name is Clarke Collins, I'm 32 years old, I'm married, no children. And I… I’m so confused in life that I don’t see the point even in suicide. Perhaps that says it all."

Clarke paused and looked timidly at Lexa, who was dumbfounded staring at the blonde, shocked by the brevity with which the request for help was stated. «What is it?» Hart thought feverishly, putting on an expression of interested sympathy. - «Something about her relationship with your husband? Age crisis? Searching for a destination? Suddenly caught up with the sense of meaninglessness of being? Or is it something else, successfully disguised as this throwing? OK let's see» .

\- "Are you always so laconic, Clarke?" Lexa asked, concentrating on drawing intricate squiggles on her notebook. - "What is your profession? Something technical, apparently?" here can allow yourself to smile and raise eyes to the client, making eye contact.

\- “No,” Clarke shook her head. - “Usually it’s hard to shut me up, but this whole situation…” the blonde waved her hand vaguely, gesturing around the office, - “it makes me a little nervous. I never thought that I would turn to a psychologist for help. I always coped with everything myrself."

After these words Lexa tensed slightly and leaned forward in the chair. «She will say now,» she thought and glared at Clarke, but she hastily averted her eyes and shrugged her shoulders in bewilderment, as if not understanding what they wanted from her.

\- "By the way, I am a writer by profession ..." the blonde answered the earlier question.

\- "A writer?" Hart allowed herself to be surprised. - "What are you writing about?"

\- “You know,” Clarke drawled. - "About life, mostly. About people, about love, about death. My editor calls these « eternal themes». Says that I'm good at making my readers bored."

\- "And what, is your skill in demand"? Lexa asked.

\- "Oh yeah," Clarke smiled. - "Especially if you add action and gore, but I'm not overusing it."

\- "Sex and violence rule the world," Lexa quoted once heard from the editor-in-chief of one of the major television channels, sent after the first consultation to a psychotherapist - to treat lingering depression with small magic pills. - "It seems that the entire current entertainment industry, including literature, is based on this principle?"

\- "No," Clarke frowned displeasedly. - "Entertainment waste paper - maybe I don't know. This literature proclaims slightly different principles."

\- "For example?" asked Lexa, rejoicing at such a reaction of the blonde to the seemingly innocent remark - at least something on this emotional fishlessness.

\- "For example, that the world is ruled by justice and mercy. You just need to discern it in the chaos that humanity has managed to create around itself."

\- "Is that so?"

\- “Exactly.” Clarke frowned even more and crossed her arms over chest, as if preparing for a defense. Lexa, seeing this, on the contrary, relaxed back in chair and, putting down her pencil, showed the client empty, slightly open palms. It seems that a simple trick worked, and Clarke calmed down a little and said: 

-“You’ll probably find me weird, but I believe that we ourselves shape the reality in which we live — with our thoughts, words and actions. It is in my power to make sure that love and compassion reign in the world, and not naked sex and bullying of the weak and defenseless."

«Interesting if she is really worried about these speculative questions, or is she, as they say, driving a wave, running away from herself and her unresolved internal problems?» Lexa thought, puzzled, watching the blonde flushed with excitement. - «After all, for some reason she still came?»

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said softly. - "Do you think that most of the people around you live somehow wrong? Is that what worries you?"

\- "No," Clarke said firmly. - "It does not bother me. Of course, I ... I would like my family and friends to live more consciously, perhaps ... But how can I reeducate or force them? .. I am not the Lord God, after all. All I can do is start with myself. Live conscientiously, be honest with myrself and others, love those who need love, and help those who need help. Do you think this is strange?"

\- “No, no, Clarke,” Lexa replied sincerely. - "It's not strange."

«It’s strange, Mrs. Collins, that you don’t love yourself so much ... You are desperately trying to please yourself, living almost according to the biblical commandments, but it seems that there’s a little sense from this…», Lexa thoughtfully bit the tip of her pencil and for a few moments she watched the blonde, who again began to pace around the office, angrily waving one hand away, and the other - clenched into a fist - thrusting deep into the pocket of her jeans. She now looks like an obstinate teenager who is in a quarrel with the whole world ... This is impossible. This desire to be a good girl, of course, stretches from childhood, but the question is - to whom do we owe this? Mother? Father? Rather, of course, the mother ... How can i bring her to this?

\- “You have interesting views on how the universe works, Clarke,” Lexa finally broke the silence. - "Tell me, does any of your relatives share them? Husband, relatives, friends?"

\- “Friends - yes, I guess,” Clarke mumbled uncertainly.

\- "What about parents? Husband?"

\- “I don’t have parents,” the blonde said dryly, and Lexa, as in the game «cold-hot», felt that it had become much «warmer». - And Finn ... No, Finn doesn't share. In general, he considers me out of this world, says that you need to fight for a place under the sun, tear everyone with your teeth and claws, and not breed these pink snot about love and mercy. He ... wasn't like that before. Or just didn't show it ... I don't know ..."

\- "Are we going to talk about this, Clarke?" Lexa asked softly.

\- "No," Clarke shook her head. - “At least not now. Lexa, I would like ... would like to finish for today."

\- “Of course,” Hart nodded, mentally placing a bold exclamation mark in front of the parent. - "How is your head? Maybe lie down a little?"

\- "No thanks, it's okay. I need all this ... to digest," said the blonde, already holding on to the door handle. Lexa almost physically felt how she uncomfortable and wanted to run away. It is unlikely that she will come a second time.

\- "Clarke, one more thing: tell me, on whose recommendation did you come to me?"

\- “No one, Lexa. I read your blog on the Internet, called the specified phone number and made an appointment."

«So it’s fear after all,» thought Lexa. «It’s not easy to read blogs about phobias. Apparently, something from early childhood, very deep and very painful, since she did not even mention it in passing. Well, we'll see if she makes an appointment for the next appointment.» 

\- "I will not delay you any longer, Clarke," Lexa got up from the table and went to the blonde, holding out her hand. - "Nice to meet you."

\- "Me too," Clarke sluggishly shook the outstretched hand, it seems, with difficulty restraining herself so as not to run away, headlong, from the office.

\- “If you decide to continue our work,” said Hart, intonationally highlighting the last word and gazing intently into the client’s eyes, - “call and make an appointment with my assistant."

\- "Work?" asked the blonde and let out a nervous laugh, as if releasing all the tension that had accumulated in her during the reception. - "That's for sure. I have a feeling that I have thrown a ton of coal in this hour."

\- “It's just out of habit,” Lexa smiled. - "Goodbye, Clarke."

\- “All the best, Lexa,” the client replied and left the office.

Lexa went back to her chair and plunged into it relaxedly, rubbing her aching temples wearily. «That’s an oyster that hasn’t opened one jot,» she thought, chasing the past consultation in her head. «For an hour, I was clogging the airwaves with some nonsense about the fate of mankind, but I never got to the main thing. And she won't get there until she fully trusts me. I wonder if we will meet again? .. "

*****

Returning home, Lexa quickly showered, changed into comfortable home clothes and, grabbing a yoga mat, went down to the garden. For about twenty minutes she simply wandered barefoot on the cool elastic grass, physically feeling the tension and fatigue caused by a hard working day go into the ground. After, for an hour, she actively overcame her negative karma, dying in various relaxing and power asanas, until she felt that the body regains lightness, and her thoughts calmed down and no longer rushed around the entire skull in search of an emergency exit.

«Twenty minutes of meditation and sleep,» Alexandria planned and returned to the house.  
She had already extinguished the candle that she was using for the practice, when she suddenly remembered that she had not published the already written article on the blog, and also had not read a letter from her Chicago friend Raven, with whom they once became close on the basis of professional interests, and after made friends. The problem was that Raven was also Costia's close and only friend, and therefore she skimmed a lot between two fires when the girls date.  
In the end, Rave sent them both in plain text and publicly declared her neutrality, which she broke only once: when, on a February night, she ran to tear Lexa off the central heating battery, to which yhe brunette pressed herself, desperately trying to keep warm. How Costia has a problem after this, Lexa did not even guess.

«Okay, the article will wait until tomorrow,» Lexa decided and, undressing, went to bed under a warm blanket. - «I'll read the letter from the phone.» 

As far as Raven was laconic in life, so much verbal incontinence pierced her in both friendly and business correspondence - with a heavy sigh in advance, Lexa opened a huge message and plunged into reading. At first, Rave conveyed greetings from friends and colleagues at the clinic where Hart had once consulted - there were so many of them that Lexa seriously wondered who all these people were and how they all get along in one little Chicago. Then the friend described a case from her practice for a long time and tediously: the client suddenly became afraid of closed doors - it seems to him that someone was behind the door who had come to kill him. Opening the door and showing the empty doorway, of course, did not help - the neurosis had already formed and was grunting the man from the inside with might and main, depriving him of common sense, sleep and appetite. Raven asked for advice, and Lexa quickly jotted down a draft of the answer with a list of questions to clarify with the client.

Returning to the letter, Alexandria was running her eyes over the lines in search of the one on which she stopped, when she suddenly caught her gaze on a familiar name. «Costia ... Well, what else?» Lexa thought wearily and began to read right from the middle of the sentence. When she finished reading, she chuckled nervously and returned to the beginning of the passage. It was difficult to believe what was written, but, nevertheless, here in black and white Raven writes that Costia again left Monty and even filed for divorce, which, apparently, will not be easy, because mutual consent on the issue of custody of the only They never reached their twelve-year-old daughter Susan. Monty is determined and wants to get sole custody of the girl, emphasizing that the moral character of his wife leaves much to be desired - which is only a long-term affair with a woman, whom Costia did not even bother to hide from her lawful spouse.  
And so on and so forth. And wouldn't Lexa mind if she, Raven, gave to Costia her new phone number, because Cos really wants to call.

«Damn, is she kidding me?» Lexa thought, leaning back against the head of the bed and glancing blindly across the ceiling. «Six fucking years I waited for her to take this step and divorce Monty, and now, two years after the breakup, when I almost learned to live without her, she left him. However, maybe she will also change her mind, for them these comings and goings are like air for a drowned man ... She asks for my number ... What for? Why? Want to return? Talk? I know her conversations, they all end the same - in the bed ... No-o-o-o-o, well, no, I am no longer getting into this shit. And yet, why does she need my number?»

Not a trace of the former calmness and pacification remained: Lexa tossed about in a heated bed, tossing and turning from side to side, chasing monotonous thoughts in a circle. «Need to calm down, relieve tension,« with this thought Lexa moistened the fingers of her right hand with saliva and put down between her legs. Stroking her clitoris with slow circular motions, she tried to relax and not think about Costia, but their «farewell» sex suddenly surfaced in her memory: how unusually tender was Cos, how hot her lips were, how she slid them over Lexa's stomach, along the inner thigh and beyond, scorching with hot breath. With a desperate groan, Lexa shifted her legs and, pressing her fingers tighter against the pulsing flesh, accelerated their movement. Having come quickly and somehow blurred, Lexa wiped her fingers on the sheet and turned over on side. «Fuck you, Costia. How long can you torture me?» the brunette thought wearily and, with an effort of will, throwing all thoughts from her head, plunged into sleep.


	3. And something about Mr. Collins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

Of course, Lexa could not stand it and a week later wrote to Raven so that she would not make a terrible state secret from her phone number. Costia called in the evening of the same day. Hearing such a dear, such a warm voice in the receiver, Lexa felt her own body cheating on her: at the very first sounds, her heart sank somewhere into the abdominal cavity and fluttered there with a wounded bird, her hands trembled treacherously, sweat appeared on her forehead. This isn't funny anymore, Lexa thought, trying to fight off a fit of lightheadedness. «This is already, sorry, somatic.»

They had not seen or talked for more than two years - since that same February night - and now Lexa had a poor idea of how to behave with her, what to talk about. However, Costia acted as if they had only met yesterday for a cup of tea, and skillfully kept up the conversation, asking Lexa about the move, new home, work and impressions of New York. Without waiting, however, any more or less intelligible answers, she transferred the topic to herself and began to emotionally talk about the divorce proceedings, which was started by the asshole Monty instead of quietly and peacefully disperse, as all normal people do, without torturing each other and without injuring the child. Of course, he will not be able to get sole custody: we do not live in those days when same-sex intercourse was considered almost a crime, but his lawyers, will drink plenty of blood from her. And how many legal costs ...

«Blah-blah-blah,» Lexa mentally commented on the endless stream of consciousness of her ex, knowing that everything said should be divided by at least one and a half, and trying in parallel with the conversation to clean up the rubble of dry food in the kitchen cabinets. However, having sprinkled a thin layer of salt and spices all over the floor, she quickly ended this hopeless event. «They will bury me in these ruins,» she thought in despair and suddenly realized that she had not heard Costia's voice for several minutes.

\- "Why are you silent?" Lexa asked.

\- “It's just… It's just that you are silent, and I thought that you were not very interested in this. I understand," Costia sighed.

\- "Sorry, I was thinking."

\- "About what?"

\- “Over my untimely death,” Lexa chuckled. - "This house will be an excellent sarcophagus. I bequeath to you to compose a tearful epitaph."

\- "Is it that bad?"

\- "Well, not a fountain ... These people who lived here before me ... How did they cope with this?"

\- "Maybe just fit a dump truck and take everything to the trash heap?"

\- "No, you can't. It's full of letters and old photographs and some newspaper clippings from the Civil War. It's someone's memories, Cos, they cannot be thrown into the trash can - even if they are not needed by anyone."

\- "Lex ..."

\- "What?"

\- "I've already forgotten how you are ... how good you are ... I love you, do you hear? .. And I really miss you. Please give me a second chance. Go back to Chicago."

\- “Twenty-two,” Lexa muttered a little confused. - “I’m not coming back, Cos. My home is here now."

\- "Then I'll come to you when all this burden of divorce is over."

\- "You can take your time."

\- "Lex ... I understand you're angry ... I'll come and do everything to get you back, do you hear? I will be on my knees, kissing your hands ..."

\- "Oh gods, Cos, let's go without dramas. You got drunk there, or what?"

\- "I drank a little, could not muster up the courage to call you."

\- "Is a little a bottle of good old corn whiskey? If only ashamed of your childe."

\- "Oh, well, don't be a nuisance, Lex. Sue is at Monty's today. And in general, do you remember how your misery always ended?"

\- "I don't remember."

\- "If I were there, I would have reminded ..." Costia exhaled languidly. - "And more than once ..."

From this sweet exhalation, a rapid wave of excitement swept through Lexa's body, painfully twisting her lower abdomen in a tight hot knot, and after settling in goose bumps on her fingertips and spreading a hot blush down her cheeks. «What an bastard! ..» Lexa got angry and said sharply:

\- "Costia, why are you so sure that I have no one? Why the hell do you even think I'm sitting here alone and shedding crocodile tears over our relationship with you?"

\- "Raven said ..." Costia answered a little confusedly. - "And what, you ... have you got someone?"

\- "Not. You just pissed off your self-confidence."

\- "Sorry…"

\- "Okay ... Let's sleep, Cos. I get up early tomorrow."

\- "Okey. Goodnight, my Love."

\- "Good night."

Lexa hung up and threw the phone on the bed and started getting ready for bed. Already lying under the covers, plunging into a blissful doze, she heard a signal - a message came on Facebook. Swearing, Alexandria opened the application and saw two dozen unread messages from Costia. Almost all of them began with the words «do you remember?»

«Do you remember how we met? You looked so serious, focused, as if this was not a lecture on diagnosing crisis conditions, but a space shuttle launch, at least. You bombarded me with questions, and i the whole couple of lecture staring at your lips - so sensual, so alluring. I didn't even think that I could ever kiss them ...»  
«Do you remember how we went to India to enlighten, but instead of enlightenment we did not crawl out of the room - and it would be fine not out of bed, but no - out of the toilet ... And all because someone forgot the first-aid kit at home ...»

«Do you remember how Sue dragged us to that stupid attraction with rubber bands, and you fought desperately because you were afraid of heights, but she persuaded you, and you liked it so much that you stayed there until evening ...»  
«Do you remember...»

«Of course I remember,» Lexa muttered as she read the next batch of messages. «I don’t suffer from sclerosis yet, and on lobotomy God had mercy ... But you, friend, seems to have drank a lot ...» 

*****

Lexa hadn't thought of Mrs. Collins for almost a month. That is, for the first week after the consultation, she thought about the new client quite often, wondering if they would see each other again, and thinking over the strategy of behavior in case Clarke did make an appointment. However, as time went on, there was no entry in Mrs. Collins's diary, and gradually the image of the clumsy blonde disappeared, was replaced from memory, erased by everyday life, daily worries, clients and consultations, as well as renewed communication with Costia.

Therefore, suddenly stumbling across the weekly schedule that Caroline had sent her, addressed to Mrs. Collins, Lexa was a little surprised and shook her head: Clarke had really need it - it was obvious - but she still pulled to the last, hoping, apparently, to cope on her own. Scrolling through her working notebook to the desired page, Lexa refreshed in her memory the details of the last meeting and even felt some teasing excitement - lately she rarely had to deal with difficult cases, and this one obviously promised to be very interesting. Catching herself on this thought, Hart felt some anxiety and slight shame: the person is tormented by some still vague mental torment, and for her this is nothing more than an amusing episode from practice, a tangle of other people's abstract experiences that must be unraveled. This is not the case, Lexa thought. - «If I stop compassionate with my clients, then it's time to leave the profession ...»

After reflecting on this topic for some more time, Lexa made the decision to lie down with her bones, but to help Mrs. Collins figure out her own soul. Having calmed herself in this, to put it mildly, dubious way, she began to look forward to Thursday, for which Clarke had been scheduled for the afternoon.

The blonde came exactly at the appointed hour and no longer tried to ram the floors with her head, tripping over imaginary sills - on the contrary, she slowly and carefully entered, stopping in the doorway. Lexa, hearing her assistant's voice, warning about the appearance of the client, Lexa raised her head from her notes and stood in confusion, looking at the entered. If at the last meeting Clarke looked like a hippie lost in time, now in front of Lexa there was a beautiful, stylishly dressed woman, a little nervously clutching a large portfolio of papers in her hands. A pearl-colored suit fits a slender figure, a blue blouse favorably sets off the eyes, which makes them appear dark blue and bottomlessly deep, blonde hair is styled into an elegant hairstyle that reveals a graceful neck and neat ears - all this Lexa absorbed into herself with some kind of her overwhelming greed. Falling into a stupor, unable to say or do anything, she just thoughtlessly looked at the client, not realizing how strange it looked.

\- "Um ..." finally broke the silence Clarke, - "today was the presentation of my new book, so I look like a teacher ... um ..." she hesitated for a moment and frowned, - "elementary grades."

Ha, she also has a clearly uneasy relationship with porn films, Hart thought, discreetly wiping her sweaty palms on her trousers. «What's the matter with you, Lexa? Haven't you seen beautiful women for a long time? This is all from the lack of personal life, soon you will rush at all more or less attractive persons ... »  
Pulling herself together, Lexa finally got up from the table, greeting the blonde.

\- “Come in, Clarke,” brunette said. - "You look amazing. But the reason, as I understand it, is significant?"

\- “Yes, I have been working on this book for three years,” Clarke said, and, hesitating a little, took a rather impressive tome out of her briefcase. - "Here, I signed for you."

Lexa accepted the book and threw a curious glance at the cover - it was framed with a collage of photographs of the chronicle of the Second World War, intertwined with an intricate pattern of barbed wire, and in the very center, right below the title, the designer depicted a piece of crumpled striped robe with a pale sewn on it -pink flap in the shape of an inverted triangle. Seeing one of the most recognizable symbols of the gay community, Lexa raised her eyebrows slightly, but decided to remain silent on this topic.

\- “Valley of Darkness,” Lexa read aloud the title.

\- “This is a quote from the Psalter,” the blonde said clearly worried. - "The twenty-second psalm."

\- “Even if I go through the valley of darkness, I will not be afraid of evil, because you are with me,” Lexa freely quoted, marveling at the tenacity of her memory. How many years have passed since her orthodox stepfather kicked her out of the house immediately after her mother's funeral, and she still remembers every phrase uttered at the grave, and every handful of earth thrown into a deep hole. The funeral, according to an alien custom, then provoked a furious rejection in young Lexa, and now ... now Lexa thought: what's the difference - only my mother would rest in peace.

\- "How do you know?" Clarke asked in shock, apparently accustomed to explaining the book's title.

\- “Not big deal...” Lexa answered vaguely. - "Well, what did you write to me here? ?"

\- "Yeah," the blonde was embarrassed. - “It seems to be your profession, isn't it?"

\- “Oh… I think that definition would be more appropriate for a psychiatrist,” Lexa winked. - "But it's not time for you yet ..."

\- “That's good news,” Clarke said seriously. - "You know, Lexa, I thought for a long time and came to the conclusion that I was ready to continue our work and was ready to go to the end."

\- “Great, Clarke,” Lexa said sincerely. - "Then make yourself comfortable and let's start."

The blonde nodded and took a few steps towards the couch. Putting her briefcase on it, she hesitated for several seconds whether to sit down or not, but still remained standing, and then confidently walked along the already beaten path - two steps to the window, two steps from.

Hart, slightly closing her eyes, watched the woman, involuntarily and without realizing it while admiring her. Finally, Clarke stopped and said firmly:

\- "Lexa, I'd like to talk about my husband."

\- "Please, Clarke. I'm listening to you."

\- “I ... I think I don't love my husband anymore,” the blonde blurted out and looked expectantly at the psychologist.

Lexa sighed barely audibly.

\- “Clark,” brunette said carefully. - "I understand, it is not easy for you now, but you also need understand me - I am not a telepathic person, not a psychic and not even a magician. You voice your conclusions, and I would like to hear how you came to such conclusions. Do you understand?"

\- “I understand,” the client said, biting her lower lip. - “But I don’t know where to start ..."

\- "Start from the beginning."

\- "From the beginning of what?" Clarke asked stupidly.

\- “Since the beginning of your relationship,” Lexa explained patiently. - "How and where did you meet, how you started communicating, and so on."

\- “Yeah,” Clarke nodded. - "It's simple. Finn and I met at university and at first did not pay attention to each other. I was such, you know, a nerd, I wanted to become a famous journalist, and he ... He studied on a sports scholarship - we had a good team of wrestlers, and he was the best in super lightweight, if I'm not confusing anything. You yourself understand what I thought about his intellect - this stereotype about stupid pitching ... Although, to be honest, he really is not very smart - that is, I mean, he will can't decompose Newton's binomial in his mind, but very worldly not stupid: he always knows how to turn things to his advantage. Now this ... this frenzied selfishness is insanely annoying, and I keep thinking - has it changed so much or has I been so blind all these years that I did not notice the obvious?" Clarke stopped talking and stopped at the window, looking thoughtfully at the dull street landscape ...

\- “You know the answer to that question, Clarke, right?” Lexa asked softly.

\- “Yes, of course I know,” the blonde sighed. - "People don't change overnight, and in Finn it was all before, I just preferred to look at him through rose-colored glasses, which I put on in my student years. God, Lexa, he looked after me so beautifully: he gave me flowers, said amazing compliments, called me his little Princess."

\- "And what did you call him?" smiled Lexa.

\- "I AM?" Clarke was surprised. - "I didn’t call him, only by name. Do you think it’s because I didn’t love him?"

\- "Much more important, what do you think about this, Clarke ..."

\- "I think ... I think I was in love with Finn ... a little, and then ... then I just got used to him, got used to it. You know, in general, it is very difficult to get along with people, both emotionally and physically and I taught myself to him for a very long time, almost by force ... And now it turns out that I just did not love him, used ... I am so ashamed, Lexa ..."

\- “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Clarke,” Alexandria said softly. - "Do you admit the thought that Finn could use you to some extent?"

\- "Do you think?" The blonde asked in confusion.

\- “I can’t admit that,” Lexa replied, trying to ease the burden of guilt that Clarke had already shouldered and prepared to carry for the rest of her life.

\- “Maybe you're right,” Clarke drawled thoughtfully. - "I used to be sure that Finn loved me, but now ... now it seems to me that this is not so. The love has passed, therefore," the client bitterly twitched the corner of her mouth. - "On both sides, so to speak."

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said soothingly, - “don't be so categorical. How many years have you been married?"

\- "In November it will be ten."

\- "A long time, isn't it?" smiled Lexa. - "Especially for those difficult relationships with which people are linked by marriage."

\- "A loveless marriage is a fiction," Clarke said confidently. - "I'm not talking about a passionate romantic relationship, from which you get tired faster than they exhaust themselves. I'm talking about calm, even love, which is expressed in mutual trust and care for each other, in support and confidence in the future. I am talking about life with a loved one, here and now, without a shadow of doubt both in him and in myself."

\- "You and Finn don't have all this?" Lexa asked, impressed by the clarity with which Clarke sometimes articulated her thoughts.

\- "Yes, all this we do not have with him," confirmed the blonde. - "Do you know whatwe have? There is a constant dissatisfaction with each other, which grows day by day, he gets irritated over trifles, yells at me, all the time on edge. I even thought that he had another woman, and he was looking for a reason to leave me, but no, he does not want to leave ... As soon as I start talking about divorce, he becomes like silk ... for a while, and then everything is repeated over and over again. Like some fucking groundhog day!" Clarke suddenly sat down abruptly on the couch and covered her face with her hands, Lex realized by the trembling shoulders that she was crying. Then, without taking her hands away, Clarke continued indistinctly: 

\- “And a couple of months ago he hit me for coming late from a publishing party, I was invited as an author. He broke my lip and had a bruise all over cheekbone. I packed my things and moved to the hotel, I already wanted to file for divorce, I contacted a lawyer, but he came ... asked for forgiveness, cried. A healthy adult man and crying, can you imagine? .. I never thought ... I felt so sorry for him ... He says: it will not happen again, that this is not him, that this is his dark side, a bad guy who lives in him and sometimes breaks through ... The dark side, what you think? .. Very convenient, I think ..."

\- “Clark, I think we should end this today,” Lexa said firmly, feeling that the blonde was no longer in control and was about to go into hysterics, or even provoke herself some kind of attack.

\- "Yeah, yeah, let's finish," Clarke sobbed. - “I’ll just say one more thing, while I’ve made up my mind. I know why he is so mad ... It's because of sex ... I don't want him and I never wanted him, he feels it and freaks out ... But I never wanted anyone, neither him, nor anyone else ... Me I think I’m either frigid or asexual ... Clarke sighed convulsively and held her breath in an attempt to stop the tantrum, but Lexa saw that she was unlikely to succeed. Resolutely getting up from the table and grabbing a box of napkins, she sat down next to the blonde and gently stroked her shoulder. Clarke, feeling the touch, turned to Lexa and buried in her collarbone, no longer holding back her sobs. - "Oh Lord," blonde muttered, already completely unintelligible, - "what if he dies ... He dies in this dislike of mine, without knowing anything else ... Leaving me ... Again ..."

\- "Well, well, quieter, quieter," soothingly stroking the client on the trembling back, Lexa muttered in a monotonously low voice. - "You are such a good, such a strong girl, you will definitely cope with all this. We can handle it together. Shshsh..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somatic is: bodily illness as opposed to mental illness. This group of diseases includes diseases caused by external influences or internal disruption of the functioning of organs and systems that are not associated with human mental activity.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

\- “God, something terrible has happened,” the blonde laughed nasally, crumpling an already torn paper napkin in her hands. - "I still burst into tears in the psychologist's office. Forgive me Lexa."

\- “It's okay, Clarke.” Alexandria smiled and, getting up from the couch, went to her table. - "But now you know for sure that there is nothing criminal in this."

\- “Oh yes,” Clarke muttered, looking at her swollen face in the small mirror. - “Apart from the fact that I look like an idiot who has stirred up a bee's nest…” She sighed shortly and pulled out a cosmetic bag from her briefcase. - "You won't kick me out like that, will you?" 

\- “You can take your time,” Lexa said, sitting down in a chair and looking down at the spread out papers. - "I have no more clients today."

\- "Uh-huh," Clarke said, concentrating on removing the traces of her recent tears.

Lexa watched her out of the corner of her eye, pretending to be completely absorbed in her notes. In head was surprisingly empty, only somewhere in the back of my mind thoughts about what had happened in this office a few minutes ago were languidly swarming. Costia always said: if you do not know how to cope with a client's tears, do not provoke them. Here is the golden rule - I should follow it ...  
Actually, the consultant in such cases turns out to be a hostage of the situation and is forced to act intuitively: either give the consultant the opportunity to cry out all the bitterness, pain and resentment, or distract him by any available means - make him drink water, ask some neutral question, ask him to fill out a trivial questionnaire. But touching the shoulder, provoking a hug, and then prolonging this bodily and emotional contact ... It was extremely unprofessional, and from now on there was always a risk that Clarke would begin to put pressure on the psychologist, manipulating his precarious state - for example, when he did not want to touch a sore subject, - and she, like everyone, probably has plenty of sick topics.

Meanwhile, Clarke quickly tweaked the «soaked» make-up, removed her makeup bag and, exhaling noisily, turned a detached gaze out the window. «What did she see there?» Lexa thought with a hint of morbid curiosity. - «Or just hung up - it is unlikely that after such a shake-up she is at least something interesting ... If I feel such emptiness, then what is going on inside her? Although she behaves well, somatically, the «withdrawal» is almost not manifested - except that the hands are shaking a little ... » 

\- “Two,” Clarke said suddenly, turning her head toward Alexandria.

\- "What - two?" Lexa was dumbfounded.

\- “Two tons of coal,” the blonde explained, struggling to her feet. - “I just threw two tons of coal in your office, Lexa, and now everything inside of me is shaking like a jellyfish. If it goes on like this, then I will turn into a unicellular ..." She laughed easily. - "Maybe it's for the best, they seem to have no nervous system, and I want to tell you, they themselves do not understand their happiness ..."

\- "Clarke, are you driving? Can you get there?" Hart asked with a restrained smile at the joke. She got up from the table and followed the client into the waiting room.

\- "Oh no, I took a taxi, I knew what kind of inquisitorial food ..." the blonde already held out her hand to say goodbye, when suddenly she tensed a little, as if remembering something, and after a few moments hesitated, said: 

\- "Lexa, you will excuse me, but I ask everyone ... Do you, by any chance, need a kitten? Or maybe you?" She turned to Caroline.

\- "I, no," quickly answered the assistant. - "I have a dog."

\- "And you, Lexa?" Clarke repeated. - "He, of course, is not purebred, but still ... I picked him up on the street, at the store, two days ago, and now I don't know what to do with him, Finn is allergic to wool, and he can hardly stand him ..."

\- "Kitten?" Asked Lexa, who for a long time methodically studied the sites of cat shelters, but could not make a choice and, in the end, decided to let go of the situation, if the cat creature is destined to appear in her life, then the universe itself will arrange a meeting for them. It looks like it turned out that way. - "You know, Clarke, I was just looking for a kitten."

\- "Really?" the blonde was delighted. - "Then come and get acquainted?"

\- "When?" Lexa asked.

\- "It is possible the day after tomorrow, on Saturday, if it is convenient for you. In the first half of the day."

\- “Great,” Hart nodded. - "I am comfortable."

\- “I'll send you a text message, I have your business card,” Clarke said, holding out her hand again. - "Goodbye, Lexa. Goodbye, Miss Lynn."

\- “See you, Clarke,” Alexandria squeezed her client's hot hand a little and met her eyes for a moment. At that very second, something strange happened to being: the surrounding space suddenly vibrated loudly and turned into a deep abyss, into which the whole world around plunged, leaving the two of them circling in the bottomless darkness, like two planets that accidentally crossed, contrary to all laws and probabilities , and who are about to disperse again to continue their lonely movement in the cosmic void.  
This fleeting contact of souls and bodies was so familiar, so familiar that it seemed to Lexa that just a little bit more, and she would remember something very important, something that in no case should have been forgotten. Just a little bit more ... But Clarke suddenly blinked in confusion, breaking eye contact, and the glamor dissipated, as usual, Lexa startled, caught Caroline's surprised look and hurriedly pulled her hand away, Clarke uncertainly nodded goodbye to both women and walked out with a quick step from the reception.

*****

Lexa arrived home only in the evening, at first letting go of her assistant, she sat for a long time in an empty office, driving empty thoughts about what had happened in the day in her head, and then for two hours she made her way through many kilometers of traffic jams to the exit from the city. Towards the end of the road, her head ached insanely, her eyes were watering and tried to close, her larynx seemed to have been rubbed with coarse sandpaper, and the familiar sticky cold spread all over her body like a leaden weight. Lexa was already parking on the automaton, and the next morning she wondered how miraculously she had not demolished the garage and half of the house to boot.

«Only getting sick was not enough,» Lexa thought languidly, lying face down on the sofa in the living room. «I'll lie down for five minutes ...». However, she lay in a bed for a good half hour, and then, nevertheless, reluctantly got up and trudged to the kitchen to cook a ginger drink with honey and lemon, Lexa naturally, did not recognize any pills or effervescentcolds, believing that she needed to be consistent in her delusions. However, Costia believed that she was consistent in only one thing, in her exorbitant tediousness and stealthily mixed antipyretic powders into hot drinks, which her friend was persistently treating.

After drinking a liter of aromatic hot drink, Lexa felt better and even found the strength to transport her sickly body to the second floor, to the bedroom. Taking off all her clothes, she threw them in an untidy lump in a chair and with relief slipped under the covers: sleep-sleep-sleep and not think about anything. Not about Clarke Collins sobbing on her shoulder, her breath scorching her collarbone; not about her last words about her husband's death, which were clearly due to a loss of self-control; nor about what happened after the consultation at the reception.  
«What actually happened? ..» the sleepy brain jumped up, but Lexa hastily dismissed the thought. «No, no, not now. I will think about it tomorrow…». Feeling like a kind of homebrew Scarlett O'Hara, Hart smiled a little and in the next moment fell asleep.

Lexa woke up at six o'clock in the morning, she was shaking from the cold, the clogged nose refused to perform its physiological functions but in general, Lexa estimated the state of her body as satisfactory: the head, at least, was light and clear, and the throat was not surrounded by a ring of pain. «Thanks for that,» Hart thought, and with a dramatic grunt she slid off the bed. Feeling the morning freshness enveloping naked skin, dispersing millions of creeps throughout her body, Lexa relaxed stretching and finally decided to consider the morning good. Purring something not very musical under her breath, she went to the bathroom, where she washed her nasopharynx thoroughly with a solution of salt water for a long time, and then stood longer than usual under a hot shower, expelling the usual cold from her body.

Having finished with water procedures and dressed in comfortable pants and a sweatshirt, Lexa returned to the bedroom, where she quickly made the bed and dismantled the clothes that had been carelessly thrown the day before. Finding her phone in a pile of rags, Lexa noticed on the screen several missed calls from Costia and two unread messages, probably from her too. Poking her finger at the screen and seeing the unfamiliar number of the sender, Lexa frowned in bewilderment, but after a couple of seconds she relaxed and smiled happily: a touching cat's face was looking at her from the screen, red lop-eared with a moist pink nose and round amber eyes. Under the photo, Clarke wrote: 

(Carke: This is how he is :) Cute, right?)

(Lexa: Yeah, cute;) And it looks like he’s so a pest...) 

Lexa quickly dialed and pressed the send button, only after realizing that it was early morning, and the client must still be sleeping sweetly in her warm marital bed. «Probably, this is some kind of special experience waking up next to a loved one and knowing that after breakfast he will not leave you for another,» with some dreary feeling that she could not differentiate, Lexa thought. «Damn it, why never happened in my life? What is wrong with me?».  
The self-digging that had begun was interrupted by the telephone signal for a new message wow, and Mrs. Collins, it turns out, is an early bird.

(Clarke: Not without it ... Good morning, Lexa :).) wrote Clarke.

Lexa involuntarily smiled, she liked people who respect the norms of polite communication even in the virtual space.

(Lexa: Good morning Clarke :). she replied. -The next day we are all in force?)

(Clarke: Oh yeah! I will tie a bow to him to make him even prettier :).)

(Lexa: How much nicer? I already fell in love with him :). )

(Clarke: Then we will tie a bow to you so that he will fall in love in return :).)

(Lexa: I hope I have at least some chances ....)

(Clarke: Let's see ... You understand that the acquaintance is arranged for the potential owner, not the kitten;) I sent you the address yesterday. Have a nice day, Lexa!)

(Lexa: And to you, Clarke,) Lexa smiled again and, in high spirits, went to make breakfast.

Finishing her tea and habitually staring out the window at the neglected garden, Lexa again returned her thoughts to yesterday. «So, what do we have in the bottom line?» She thought, glancing over the unkempt trees and bushes. «And we have two problems Clarke Collins, which she voiced yesterday in the office, and one unpleasant incident that happened outside of it. As for the latter, what was it, one wonders? And did she feel anything? And if she did, what does she think about it?» Lexa drummed her fingers nervously on the countertop. «Judging by the easy SMS, she didn't feel anything and, as a result, she doesn't think anything, and I just ran out of the blue, most likely it was just a spasm of some small vessel in the brain that provoked these jokes with space ... the vessel spasmed from stuffiness, after all the damned ventilation had not been repaired. Yes, this is the most logical explanation ... Bravo, Sherlock, you are genius as always,» Hart grinned.

«Now it would also be dashing to deal with the demons of Mrs. Collins ... As she said, what if he dies in my dislike? .. Again ... . Certainly fear of death ... but whose ... Own? Husband? Someone from family and friends? And what does it mean again? Already someone was dying, leaving her alone with a huge sense of guilt? But who? Some of the parents? Again we return to the parent-child relationship, which she does not even want to touch ... Ask directly? No, this will not work, she will simply close, and then knock on her sink until you are exhausted. So, with this we wait, sooner or later it must break through. Let's wait.» 

Lexa nodded in satisfaction. «Now the following: this phrase is about frigidity or asexuality ... We will talk about this in detail next time, but I would like to understand what is it and where does it come from? Suppressed libido or severe sexual dysfunction? Suddenly there is something heavy, but I don’t understand, I’m not a sexologist and not a sex therapist ... Or is it a psychological trauma? Perhaps domestic violence? In early childhood or adolescence? Something tells me that Clarke won't want to talk about these periods of her life either, too close connection with her parents ... Okay, let's see. By the way, it is necessary to read her book, after all one way or another the author projects his personality onto the personality of the heroes, and also gives an assessment of a variety of situations. If Clarke Collins cannot tell everything herself, she will have to piece together her inner world, and this is unlikely to be a pleasant experience. Oh, how I want to help her, but how difficult it will be ...» Lex was distracted from these gloomy thoughts by the persistent call of her mobile. Taking the phone out of her pocket, she answered the call:

\- "Yeah. But I'm feeling better, really."

\- “I know your better,” Cos grumbled. - "What are you doing? Still your ginger and lemon miracle potion?"

\- "Well, yes," Lexa answered languidly, who suddenly began to strain and the whole conversation in general, and this obsessive concern over the phone.

\- "I see ... Have you had a angina for a long time??"

\- “I haven't been sick for three months,” Alexandria answered honestly. - "Or even four. And now my throat did not even ache, it just ached a little yesterday."

\- "Okey, so," said Costia resolutely. - "I will order everything you need on the Internet, and they will bring you. You will gargle every hour and suck on lollipops, and if abscesses appear, you will have to go to the doctor for a prescription and drink antibiotics, do you understand me?"

\- “Uh-huh,” Lexa muttered, trying to suppress a dull irritation, too often she heard such words when they were together, and too often she was deceived by this almost maternal concern.

\- "What uh-huh? Lexa, do you have any idea that angina is not a joke? It can cause complications, on the lungs, on the heart ... Do you remember what the doctor said when you were in the hospital for the last time?"

\- “Listen, Cos,” Lexa finally got angry. - "Let's, you will not treat me, neither literally nor figuratively. I am an adult girl, and somehow I myself will cope with snot or sore throat. As always, however. And you are sitting in your Chicago and keep sitting, no need to pretend that you are all worn out there from concern for my life and health. You have always spit on me, on my feelings, thoughts and experiences ... You did not even turn around when you left. You left me alone in this damn cold apartment and you don't know how it ended for me.  
So there is no need to pretend to be Mother Teresa now, it makes me sick."

______________\- “Lexa…” Costia said quietly. - "Why are you doing this to me?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Because you were never there when I needed you. Never, do you hear? You just fucked with me and then go back to Monty; fucked him and lied that it was not; left the room when he called; Called him affectionate nicknames when you thought I couldn't hear ... Damn, Costia! .. Why do I remember all this again? I don't want to, you understand? Most of all I don't want this! ..." Lexa almost shouted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Sorry…” Costia said in a trembling voice and, with a sob, hung up the phone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________«Gods, when will I let it all go,» Lexa thought doomely as she dialed her ex. «She turns me around as she wants.»_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Forgive me, Cos,” Lexa said, listening to the sobs in the receiver. - “I ... I don't know what came over me."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "I know ..." Costia answered indistinctly through tears. - "You're right, it's all my fault ... I caused you so much pain ..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Stop…"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "It was not easy for me either, Lexa ... To live in all this lie ... Sleep with him ... Leave when I wanted to stay ... And that ring that you gave me, remember? .. I took off my engagement and put on yours before our meetings, and you thought that I always wear it ..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Cos, calm down ... Please," at the mention of the ring, Lexa's heart sank painfully, it really meant a lot to her. And the fact that Costia wore it instead of the wedding one too. It turns out that she didn't wear ... - "It's all in the past."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "What in the present?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "I don't know, really."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "I want us to have a present and a future, Lexa ..." Cosita whispered a little calmed down. - "Do you hear?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "I hear ..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "You promise to undergo medical treatment and not get sick anymore?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “I promise,” Lexa sighed heavily, mentally chalking up another defeat. Deciding to change the subject, she said, - “By the way, I’m thinking of getting a kitten."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Kitten?" Costia was surprised. - "Why suddenly?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Well, I love cats."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “I didn't notice this,” the ex grunted. - "Or has this love awakened in you recently?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Well, yes, not so long ago."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Lexa, don't you think you're lying to yourself?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “What do you mean? ..” Lexa asked, puzzled._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “I think you don’t need to start a cat…” Costia hesitated a little. - "It's time for you to give birth to a child."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Eh, no,” Alexandria laughed. - "I will not fit into this adventure alone."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Well ... we could together ..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "No," Lexa said sharply._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________There was a long, heavy silence at the other end of the line. Hart broke down first:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Well, what are you silent?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "I think it's time to finish sorting things out by phone."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Agree."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Let's get back to this topic when I come to you,” Costia suggested._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "And when will such a joyful event happen?" Lexa could not resist the irony._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Soon. In two or three weeks."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Well, then I ran to get ready? So many things to do, so many things to do ..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Lexa, please don’t be silly. We really need to calmly talk about everything."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Okey," Lexa obediently agreed, such a serious imperturbable Costia always acted on her like a tranquilizer on a neurotic._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “It's time for me to get ready for work, honey. What are you planning to do today?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “I don’t know,” said Alexandria. - "I'm will lying on the couch, reading a book."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "And you will undergo treatment, won't you?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "And I will undergo treatment."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “You're lying, right” Costia said incredulously. - "You use the fact that I cannot come and check."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Yeah,” Lexa laughed. - "At least some good from this move."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Yeah. That's it, my dear, I ran, I will definitely call in the evening. Take care of yourself."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Bye-bye, Cos."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________«I wonder how this will end,» Lexa thought and collapsed onto the sofa in the living room. «I don’t seem to know what I want, and this is sad ... Damn, the laptop is in the bedroom.» Grunting displeased, Lexa went upstairs to the computer, at the same time grabbing a warm blanket from the bed. Having made a nest from it, she comfortably settled on an old bumpy sofa and, having opened materials on rare phobias, plunged into writing another article for her blog. Then, exhausted, I took a nap, and after dinner I decided to breathe fresh air in the garden and at the same time trim the hedges that encircled the area around the perimeter. Costia tore her away from this fascinating occupation, and they, as in former times, chatted about everything in the world until late at night. Lexa never made it to Mrs. Collins' book that day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________*****_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Clarke lived in Manhattan, in the former industrial, but now quite bohemian Soho district judging by the address, on one of the small streets not far from Broadway. Leaving her car in the paid parking lot next to the mall, Lexa decided to take a walk, admiring the cast-iron facades of the buildings for which the area is so famous, for the couple of blocks thatremained until the Collins dwelling, and she herself did not notice how she got to her destination._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________«Wow, what an atmospheric place,» she thought, looking at a five-story pre-war building of dark red brick, entwined along the facade with intricate cast iron. «It seems that there usedto be some kind of factory here, and then the building was converted into apartments. Interestingly, the tenants are not disturbed by the phantom rumble of machines at night? ... In any case, pretty.» The Collins family loft was also very nice and very clean, too much for Lexa. Looking at this sterile gray and white dwelling, decorated and furnished in a minimalist style, Lexa felt a certain sense of shame at the rubble of other people's junk that she never bothered to make out. «Maybe they don't live here at all?» she thought with hope, following the mistress somewhere deep into the huge apartment. «Maybe here they introduce the selected kittens to potential owners? Oh, hardly ... .»_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________«They're probably robots…» Lexa decided sadly, bypassing the perfectly tidy living room, where there were no laptop and wrinkled clothes on the sofa, and there were no cups of unfinished drinks on the coffee table. «Or aliens ... Help, they started an invasion of our world, we urgently need to report to NASA and the FBI ...»_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Come in, Lexa,” Clarke stopped at the threshold of a small room with a window across the far wall and a large work desk in the middle.  
\- "Sorry for the creative mess, this is my office. Have to keep the cat in a cage here, or Finn will go crazy of wool."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Hmm,” Lexa chuckled, looking at the perfect order on Clarke's desk and then looking to the corner where a tiny red-tabby kitten sat in a spacious cage, looking curiously at the newcomers. - "How small he is! .." brunette exclaimed, not holding back her surprise. - "How old is he?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “A month and a half or two,” Clarke said. - "Do not worry, he already eats soft food himself and walks to the tray without failing," the blonde opened the cage and deftly picked up the kitten who was about to slip out under the soft belly. - "Here, go to Lexa, bandit."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Lexa gently accepted the cat, and he immediately, resting his front paws on her chest, stretched his sharp muzzle to her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Well, hello,” Lexa said, blow a little in the nose of the feline cub. - "What's your name?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Instead of answering, the kitten stomped on Lexa's chest and, putting its neck under her timid scratching, rumbled comfortably._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "It seems that the acquaintance went well," Clarke smiled happily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Yes,” Lexa replied, breaking into a silly smile and stroking the little cat more boldly. - "When can I pick him up?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "I think right now, I have a carrier. And as a load I will give you his toys, bowls and trays with filler, so that he does not get confused at your house."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “Thank you,” Lexa said. - "And what is his name after all?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Well," Clarke was confused, - "I just called him cat. It seems to me that the owner should give the name. So Lexa, the choice is yours ..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Hmm?" Hart dubiously looked at the cat sprawled on her chest. - "Maybe Eeyore? His ears are bigger than himself ..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “I like it,” Clarke nodded. - "Lexa, tell me, have you ever had cats? Do you know how to care for them?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "No," Lexa shook her head, - "but I had fish ..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Clarke laughed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Fish is a little different ... Let's put Eeyore back in the cage, he will not run away from you anywhere. And then I will treat you to tea or coffee and at the same time give you a short educational program on 'cats'."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Okay," Lexa regretfully tore off a soft warm lump and, having put him in captivity, followed the blonde into the kitchen.  
\- “Sorry Clarke, but I don’t drink caffeinated beverages. Unless you have herbal tea."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “I think there will be,” Clarke replied. - "Why don't you drink? Heart?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "No. It's just a natural addiction."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "What?" the blonde stretched in amazement. - "How is that?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Any addiction, whether it is on coffee, cigarettes or alcohol, is a reason to go to a narcologist."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Are you seriously?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Absolutely."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "And if addiction to a person?" Clarke frowned, puzzled._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- "Then this is a reason to go to a psychologist," answered Hart and sadly shook her head: look who's Talking ..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “You a bit boring, right, Lexa?” The blonde asked with a slight laugh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________\- “We're all a bit boring,” Alexandria shrugged. - "So what about the instruction manual for the cat?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	5. One hard day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

Eared turned out to be a guy without complexes, as soon as Lexa opened the carrying door, he busily jumped out of it and, raising his tail, began to examine the house, unhappily sniffing at some secluded places available to him alone. Lexa, meanwhile, brought from the car the cat house she bought on Clarke's advice, combined with a scratching post, and a soft bed. The house settled in the living room, next to the sofa, and Lexa took the couch to the bedroom and laid it on the windowsill in the faint hope that the cat would approve of her choice of a berth.  
After equipping the pet with a toilet and placing bowls of food and water in the kitchen, Lexa finally relaxed and began to observe the kitten's habits with curiosity: after completing the exploration mission on the first floor, he nervously devoured the offered food and, without hesitation, stomped to the stairs, where began to storm the steps steep enough for him.

«If only he did not fall down and hurt himself» Lexa thought with concern, but soon, watching the clumsy movements of the kitten, she calmed down, he like a rubber ball, was jumping up the stairs and clearly was not going to fall and inflict bodily damage. When he got to the second floor, the first thing he did was scratched at the closed door of the room full of other people's junk, which Lexa called to herself Bluebeard's closet, and he looked expectantly at the hostess who had risen up next: open, he say, what you are standing for.

\- “Eh, no, buddy,” Lexa said and, grabbing the cat under the belly, gently turned it towards her bedroom. - "We don't live there yet."

Eared snorted in displeasure, but still heeded the voice of reason and quickly examined the inhabited room, poking his nose in all corners. Having satisfied his exploratory itch and, apparently, rather tired, the little cat climbed onto the bed over the covers and, sitting in the very center of it, began to lick himself busily.

Lexa, like an orphan, lay down on the edge and watched the hygienic procedures of her new pet for a long time, while experiencing a rather complex mixture of emotions, which she could hardly disassemble into its components, there was both the joy of the appearance of the long-awaited pet in the house and the affection for his childish behavior and fear of not coping, and even something similar to maternal pride, this was definitely the best cat in the world, and let someone try to doubt ...

«Maybe Cos is right and I really need to have a baby?» Lexa thought. «She said we could be together ... really could? As Clarke put it about marriage, to be together here and now, without a shadow of doubt both in the partner and in myself ... But I'm not sure of Costia, I'm not sure at all, too often she deceived me, for too long we lived in a lie and mutual reproaches ... Will something worthwhile come out of this, I don't know ... ».

The phone quietly rang out, announcing a new message. Lexa, without even looking at the screen, could say with absolute certainty that the SMS came from Costia, she always felt when Lexa was thinking about her.

«Wow, how quickly other people's kids grow up,» Lexa grinned, blocking the phone and attaching it to the bedside table.  
«How long has Susan walked under the table… And now almost a girl is offended by the baby… Will I be able to find a common language with a twelve-year-old teenager who will blame me for divorcing her parents? .. And if not? Hey stop. Am I seriously thinking of returning to Costia? What the hell do I need this? Haven't been burned for a long time? But I still love her, and it seems that she really finally left Monty ... How difficult it is.»

Lexa sighed in frustration and rolled onto her back to lie down for a few minutes in a relaxed position, and then get up and do some business. The kitten, sensing her tension and anxiety, came and, trampling on, lay down on her chest, turning on the (tractor motor) Think that's what Clarke called this device for purring, which comes with every working cat.   
Stroking the purring Eeyore that spread in bliss, Lexa switched her thoughts to the client.

This sterile cleanliness ... Something is wrong here, Lexa thought. - «It doesn't look like ordinary misophobia, then Clarke would open doors through a handkerchief and never shake hands with anyone in her life. And during the period of exacerbation, would walk, packed in a plastic bag. And in general, it would already sit tightly on wheels ... What is it? Some a softer variety? Concerning only home and, say, sex? Anything, of course, happens, but I haven't heard of something like that ... Or maybe it's Finn's (cockroaches?) The husband is a sickly cleanliness, and she adapts to him? No, hardly - it's enough to remember the panic that flashed in Clarke's eyes when I put a cup of tea past the stand, leaving marks from the bottom on the perfectly clean countertop. She threw herself with a rag on these tracks, like an angry lynx at the offender of her cubs. It was also a sight ... And at the same time, when   
I (accidentally) spilled the leftovers of tea on my T-shirt, Clarke reacted to it quite calmly, held out napkins and offered to use the bathroom. This means that this craving to make the world cleaner applies only to herself, to her habitat and, perhaps, to her husband as well,» Lexa, causing discontent with Eared, sighed heavily. «And if this still conditional (asexuality) still somehow fits into the picture, let atypical, but misophobia, the fear of bodily contact, strangers and their own secretions, the forced exchange of them, then what does the voiced fear of death have to do with it, by the way, who is also unknown? Or are they two unrelated problems? Indeed, as Alice used to say, every day everything is more and more wonderful ...».

It was necessary to get up and do household chores: clean up the house, creating at least some semblance of order, throw the linen into the washing machine, disassemble the boxes left after the move, but it was so warm to lie, and Eeyore rumbled so comfortably in her ear that Lexa decided devote the rest of the day to laziness and lie in bed, especially since the common cold was still making itself felt.

«Clarke would go crazy to see my rubble,» thought Lexa and reached for the book, which she had put out of her bag on the nightstand in the morning. «So, let's see what she wrote here ... Pink triangle, wow ...».

*****

Clarke was very late for the next appointment, but Lexa, naturally, did not say anything, the client comes and leaves when it is convenient and comfortable for her, however Lexa noticed that the blonde is clearly either upset about something, or does not feel well: this was evidenced by her pale face with practically no makeup, dark circles under her eyes and a dull look. And she did not run in circles around the office either, she sat on the edge of the couch and gazed at Lexa with a slightly detached look, making it clear that one should not expect initiative from her in conversation today.

«Okay,» Hart thought. «And they did not see this ...»

\- “Clarke, last time you said you thought you were frigid or asexual,” Lexa began cautiously, observing the client's reaction. She remained completely calm, and Lexa continued:   
\- "Maybe we can talk about it today?"

\- "Okay," Clarke agreed listlessly. - “Although I don’t know what to talk about."

\- "Maybe, first, let's understand the terminology?" Hart suggested. - "Do you know how the so-called frigidity differs from asexuality?"

\- "Yes, I read it on the Internet. From what is written, I am asexual."

«It's strange that she didn't read the symptoms of schizophrenia for herself on the Internet,» Lexa thought irritably, once again surprised at the ability of people to invent stories about themselves instead of solving real-life problems. «What kind of dump there is ...»

\- "Where did you get that, Clarke?"

\- "Well, I have never experienced any sexual attraction ... only emotional, if I may say so. And I would have lived fine without sex at all if Finn hadn't insisted. This is on the one hand," the blonde looked thoughtfully out the window. - "On the other hand, physiologically, everything is in order ... I was checked three years ago, when we decided to have a baby, all indicators are normal. So I would not sin on hormones."

\- "Three years is a long time when planning a pregnancy ... Maybe something is wrong after all?"

\- "Not okay," Clarke agreed wearily. - "Finn has almost zero sperm motility, there is practically no chance of conceiving, and, of course, he does not agree to donor sperm."

\- "Are you offended by him for this?"

\- “What's the use of being offended, Lexa? This is just a drop in the ocean."

\- "Okay ..." Lexa felt that the client was not in the mood to discuss her relationship with her husband today. - "Let's get back to our topic. Tell me Clarke, do you feel sexually excited?"

\- “Yes, sometimes,” the client hesitated a little, and then waved her hand weakly, apparently resigning herself to the inevitable. - "When I read a description of sex in a book or when watching a porn movie ... But it quickly passes. And when Finn and I are in bed, I don’t feel anything at all, I just want it to be over as soon as possible."

\- "So, maybe it's not you, but Finn?"

\- "No," Clarke shook her head. - "Before him, I had three other men, very different ... I experimented, I also thought that it was not me, but my partner, but everything always turned out the same."

\- "What about women, Clarke? Have you experimented with them?"

\- "Women?" The blonde asked in surprise. - "No. Of course not. I never had such a thought ... I mean, a person always knows latently that he is homosexual, doesn't he?"

\- "No not always."

\- “Well, no… I'm not a lesbian,” Clarke said confidently. - "I would know."

Of course not a lesbian, Lexa thought. «Good girls are not lesbians, it upsets mom or dad, or whoever else, for whom you so want to be a sweet gingerbread ...»

\- “Clarke, did I get it right that you don’t have a disgust for sex? You just don't want to do it because you are ... um ... not interested?"

\- “Yes,” Clarke replied, but there was something like doubt in her eyes.  
«Another dead end, bricked up," thought Lexa. - «Okay, let's go from the other side ...» she got up from the table and went to the couch.

\- "Clarke, let's play," suggested Lexa, sitting down next to the client on the sofa, at the same time Clarke barely perceptibly shuddered and pulled away slightly, maintaining a comfortable distance.

\- "What?"

\- "Now we will come up with some statement, then I will ask questions on the topic, and you will answer them, trying not to think too much. Deal?"

\- "Deal. What statement?"

\- "Well, something simple ..." Lexa pretended to think. - “For example, (my house is very clean). Is it true?"  
Clarke nodded.

\- "Okay. Then let's get started. So, Clarke, say it."

\- “My house is very clean,” the client repeated obediently.

\- "What for?"  
\- "What for, what?" Clarke didn’t understand.

\- "What for is your house very clean?"

\- "Well, because I like it when it's clean. I got used to it since childhood."

\- "Clarke, I asked what for, not why ..."

\- "What for? Why is my house very clean?" Clarke repeated, puzzled. - "Apparently, so that I don't worry that I have dirt somewhere or something is wrong."

\- "Why you don't need worry about this?"

\- "What do you mean, why not worry?" the blonde was surprised again. - "Then, probably, to be calm ... confident that everything is in order, that everything is clean and tidy."

\- "Why should you be sure of that?"

\- “Then, to know that no one will be angry ...” Clarke was silent for a moment, and then, closing her eyes, she said very quietly: - “To know that she will not be angry ..."

\- "Why do you need her not to be angry?" Lexa asked, leaning forward a little and trying to make eye contact.  
Clarke whispered, barely audible:

\- "So that she ... So that she does not hit me."

\- "Who is she, Clarke?"

\- "My mother..."

\- "What for did she hit you?"

\- "For ... For everything," a tear rolled down the client's cheek, which she wiped off with a quick movement. - "For dirty clothes ... For dirty shoes ... If I didn't take a shower three times a day ... If I didn't wash the dishes well ... If I ran at school and smelled of sweat ... At 11 years old I have menstruation began, and she began to lock me in the bathroom ... for these days ... She told me not to dare to touch her ... And she did not hit with hand ... With such a rubber stick ..."

Lexa clenched her teeth slightly and sucked in air slowly through her nostrils. Calm down.

\- "Where is your mother now, Clarke?"

\- "She ... She died," the blonde's gaze suddenly defocused, and her hands began to make involuntary smooth movements.

«Damn it!» Lexa thought as she watched Clarke try to calm herself down, stroking her thighs and knees. «Not this ...».  
She silently watched the client, not daring to intervene, fearing to cause an even worse reaction. After a few minutes of this personal hell for Lexa Hart, Clarke's eyes became more meaningful.

\- "Lexa ... I ... What happened?" Blinking in confusion, she asked in a weak voice.  
«Doesn't remember,» Hart realized. «Damn it...».

\- "How do you feel, Clarke?"

\- "I ... I am not very well ..."

\- "Lie down a little?"

\- "Yes ..." Clarke slowly lay down on the couch and pulled her knees to her chest, took a fetal position. Her eyes were half-closed, her eyeballs moved restlessly under her eyelids. Lexa carefully pulled the sneakers off the blonde's feet and, noticing that she was shaking, took a light blanket out of the drawer. Having covered the client, Lexa sat next to her for a while, observing her condition, and then, making sure that she was gradually calming down, returned to her chair and sank wearily into it.

«Ten tons, no less, if you follow your classification, Mrs. Collins ...» Lexa grinned sadly and rubbed her face with her hands. «So, after all, the mother ... who, moreover, has already died... Oh, how bad everything is ... I would also like to know why everything has escalated right now, after all, she has been living with this for twenty years and has learned to cope well: she polishes the house, avoids sex ... That way can stretch to death. So why has it now become unbearable? What was the catalyst? It seems that today we have removed only the first layer, and it's scary to think what kind of reaction she will give to deeper things ...» 

*****

\- "Clarke ... Clarke ..." Lexa lightly shook the blonde by the shoulder, making another attempt to revive the client. - “Clarke, you need to go home. It's already nine o'clock." Clarke opened her dull eyes and looked at the psychologist blankly.

\- “Let me call Finn and he will pick you up,” Lexa suggested. - "I will dial from your phone?"

\- “Finn in training camp,” Clarke muttered. - "One more week."

\- "Then one of your friends?"

\- "No ... I don't want ... I don't want that ... I just need to sleep ..."

\- “Clark, you can't stay here…” Lexa said, discouraged. - "I cannot leave you ..."

\- “I don’t care,” the client replied indistinctly and closed her eyes again.

\- "Well?" Caroline asked, peering into the office. - "Still?"

\- “Yes,” Lexa replied, biting her lip. - "Carol, if you have to go ..."

\- "No way," the assistant snorted. - "I won't leave you here alone."

\- “I’m wiil bw fine,” Lexa smiled. - “But what should we do with Mrs. Collins… Her husband is away, and it seems that she doesn't have much friends."

\- “We can get the address and take her home."

\- "And leave there alone? No, this is not an option, you never know what ..." Lexa shook her head and, frowning slightly, made a decision. - "We'll have to go to me. Can you help bring her to the car?"

\- “Let me take you,” Caroline suggested.  
Lexa nodded gratefully and began to nudge Clarke with renewed vigor. 

Finally, she managed to get the client out of her stupor and somehow lift her off the couch. Together with Caroline, they brought the blonde to the car and put her in the back seat, Lexa sat down next to her and gently put Clarke's head in her lap. Already on the way, mechanically stroking her soft blond hair, leaning tiredly against the headrest, Lexa suddenly realized that she had made a huge mistake, she had to stay with Clarke in the office and spend the night in an armchair, this would unravel the emotional knot that had already tied between them and now strongly prevented Lexa from being objective ... Yes, she had to stay, but the problem is that at home was waiting for her a little hungry Eeyore...

They drove up to the house of Lexa when it was already completely dark. While Caroline parked right on the path leading to the front door, Lexa made another attempt to stir up Clarke, but she, without opening her eyes, only mumbled something indistinctly. Cursing, Hart with difficulty pulled the client out of the car and put her on her feet, propping up her shoulder, Clarke only somnabulously swayed, but, thank God, did not seek to assume a horizontal position.  
In this state, supported from both sides, she somehow made her way to the bedroom and, collapsing on the bed quickly spread by Lexa, she passed out again.

\- “Caroline, go to the kitchen,” Hart said quietly. - "I'll put her to bed right now and come. And please give the kitten food, it's in the fridge, such a brown package."

\- "Okay, no problem," the assistant nodded and left.

Alexandria, diligently looking away from blonde's slender bare legs and a small patch of underwear, pulled off jeans and sneakers from Clarke, and then, after a moment's hesitation, and a tight T-shirt, freeing her breasts not compressed by a bra. The blonde was lying in front of her in only panties, and Lexa almost howled from the desire to undress and snuggle to her with whole body, feeling the velvet of her milky skin, her lips caressing her soft spreading nipples, feeling how, under the pressure of the tongue, they fill and harden ...  
«Damn! Pervert ...» Lexa hissed inwardly and forced herself to turn away. «Need sex ... Anywhere, with anyone ... and preferably quickly.» Taking control of herself, Lexa took out a long, loose T-shirt from the closet and, trying not to touch the client once again, getting tangled in her relaxed limbs, finally hid the most seductive parts of blonde's body from her eyes.

Covering the blonde with a blanket, Lexa sat down exhaustedly on the bed and wiped sweat from her forehead, what a day ... After sitting for a couple of minutes, she was about to get up and go to Caroline when Clarke opened her eyes and grabbed her wrist tightly:

\- "Don't go ... Please ..." whispered the blonde, pulling Lexa slightly towards herself.

Lexa sighed and lay down beside her. When Clarke was deeply asleep, Lexa carefully pulled her hand away and stood up, she had to decide something with Caroline: whether to leave her for the night, or to drink coffee and send her home. The second option was, of course, preferable, because there was no strength to portray a hospitable hostess.  
Caroline sat in the kitchen and smoked, flicking ash in a saucer. Lexa winced - of all the forms of self-destruction she hated the most, it must have been from the fact that she herself smoked since adolescence for twelve years, and then long and painfully quit.

\- "Would you like coffee?" She asked the assistant, wearily leaning her hips against the kitchen countertop. - "If you want, I'll cook."

\- “No, I don’t want coffee,” Caroline replied, and, putting out her half-smoked cigarette in a saucer, stood up. Slowly and without taking stray eyes from the boss, she came close to Lexa and bit into her lips with an eager kiss. Lexa was at first taken aback, but after that she responded to the kiss no less greedily, she roughly pushed her tongue into an unfamiliar mouth, sucked hard lips, feeling hot blood pounding in her temples with a metronome, and excitement spreads all over her body in a hot wave ...

Without interrupting the kiss, Caroline put both hands under the boss's shirt and squeezed her tight nipples tightly, Lexa moaned dully and, throwing her head back, grabbed the edge of the tabletop with one hand, and with the other pressed forcefully on the assistant's shoulders, silently asking to go lower. Caroline smiled predatory and, deftly unbuttoning the buttons, pressed her lips to Lexa's right nipple, while her left one continued to twist and twist with fingers. Hart, lost in time, breathed noisily into the emptiness that the world around her suddenly turned around, feeling how from Caroline's actions her lower abdomen was seizing with sweet languor. A little more, and the point of no return will be passed ...   
When suddenly something changed: the assistant was impatiently tugging at the stuck zipper on Lexa's trousers with one hand, and she herself, with a kind of piercing clarity, realized how wrong everything that was happening: one should not give in to this animal passion when up there, Clarke wanders alone in the labyrinths of her fear and despair, no longer hoping for help ...

\- “No,” Lexa said, pushing Caroline away from her.

\- "Why not?" she asked hoarsely. - "You want ..."

\- “I want a lot stuff,” Lexa chuckled wryly.

\- "Is it because you're my boss?"  
Lexa shook her head. 

\- “I don’t know why myself. You are very beautiful and very sexy, Carol, but I can't. Sorry ..."

\- "Fuck you with your apologies!" Caroline shouted, shaking with unsatisfied desire. - "Look at her 'no don't touch me!'..." the girl showed her middle finger and ran out of the kitchen.

Seconds later, the front door slammed loudly, and Lexa took a deep breath in relief. «Gods, I am a saint ...» she thought, rising on her legs trembling from recent excitement into the bedroom. «Holy idiot ... And it seems that I no longer have an assistant. When will this day end ...» .  
After seeing Clarke and making sure that she was fast asleep, guarded by Eeyore, Lexa quickly took a shower, and then dived into their bed under a warm blanket. The little cat raised its head and looked at her reproachfully: they say, where are you hanging around, mistress, why am I alone here to take the rap for everyone? ..  
«Well, I'm sorry, my golden one,» Lexa whispered guiltily and stroked the kitten's back. Eeyore snorted resentfully and jumped off the bed. «What an asshole,» Lexa smiled and stretched with pleasure, looking forward to the long-awaited rest. If, of course, no one and nothing interferes.

As if overhearing her thoughts, the phone on the bedside table silently vibrated. Only Costia could call at such a time, and Lexa groaned doomedly, that's really who will not get off her alive until she finds out all the details of the past day. Categorically did not want to get out of the heated bed, so Lexa accepted the challenge and, hoping to shake off a half-asleep state, quietly said:

\- "Hello."

\- "Hello!" Costia said joyfully and very loudly. 

\- "How are you, honey?"

\- “Fine,” Lexa replied almost in a whisper.

\- "Why are you whispering?" Cos asked suspiciously. - "You are not alone there, or what?"

Sighing, Lexa crawled out from under the covers and padded her bare feet into the kitchen. While brewing tea, she described in detail to Cos the situation with Clarke Collins, and then tensely fell silent, waiting for an answer.

\- “Are you out of your mind, Lexa?" asked Costia, obviously shocked. - "Why did you bring her home? Why are you even working with her? Send her to a specialist, it's obvious psychiatry, with such and such reactions."

\- “I don’t think so, Cos. Apart from today, nothing indicates this."

\- "Isn't it enough for you?"

\- "It may just be a very long suppressed and finally erupted neurotic reaction. Neurosis, count, twenty years."

\- "Lexa, what's going on, huh?" Costia asked in bewilderment. - "Do you accidentally transfer to your own mother?"

\- "No!" Lexa answered sharply. - “My mother didn't beat me."

\- "Well, yes ... But she married an Orthodox Jew and, having converted to Judaism, sent you to a boarding school ... in fact, she abandoned you. And then her homophobic moods ..."

\- "And what is common?"

\- "Common? Yes, the fact that you both crippled the life of the woman who gave it to you. And mind you, these women are dead, so you have no way of working through the situation and forgiving them. And so, of course, nothing in common."

\- "Cos, you sucked it out of your finger."

\- "Okay, see for yourself. I voiced my opinion."

\- "Oh, oh ... I forgot that you are our guru of clinical psychology," Lexa laughed. - "Don't forget that I also have this crust."

\- "Yes, but you never really worked with it ..."

\- "I wonder what do you think I do every day? This sometimes comes out ..."

\- "Okay, I'm sorry, you can handle it, I know. But why the hell did you bring her to you?"

\- "What could I do? Leave her in the office? Or take her home? She's completely out."

\- "It was necessary to find someone from friends or acquaintances."

\- "She didn't want to."

\- "And to you, then, wanted to go?"

\- "I have not asked."

\- "Damn, Lexa, I'm really stressed that you sleep in the same bed with women I don't know. And this is only partly a joke."

\- "Stop..."

\- "What do you say is her name? Collins?" Lexa heard Costia tapping on the laptop keys. - "So ... Facebook is our everything. Yeah, Clarke Collins ... Three. Well, these two are clearly in the wrong age category. But this blonde ... Wow ... Alexandria, just don't tell me that those boobs are in your bed right now ..."

\- "Oh, stop, Cos," Lexa remembered her reaction to the naked body of the client and felt herself blushing involuntarily.

\- "You sleep separately from them today, understand me?"

\- “What else,” Lexa laughed. - "Such a chance should not be missed."

\- "I'll show you a chance ..."

\- "Gods, Cos, what are we talking about? She lies there almost unconscious, and we are joking here."

\- “You're right,” Costia sighed. - "I even felt ashamed ... a little. Just tell me that you like my tits better ..."

\- “You know I've always been crazy about your chest ...” Lexa said quietly. - "And about everything else too ..."

\- "Honey ..." Cos whispered. - "I miss your lips and hands so much ..."

\- "And I according to you ..."

\- "Lie down somewhere ... I'm already lying," breathed Costia.

\- "What? Oh no, no, no, Cos, I won't do this with you over the phone. So get up."

\- “Bore,” Costia said resentfully. - "Such sex broke off ..."

\- “I’ll even think about going to bed with you or not."

\- “Well, think, think,” Costia drawled mockingly. - "And while you think, do not wet your panties ... Do you know what I'm doing now? .."

\- "No, shut up! .."

\- "Actually, I'm here in the kitchen taking milk out of the refrigerator ... Mmm, would you like a sip?"

\- “Okay, that's it,” Lexa said firmly. - "I'm going to sleep."

\- "Yeah," answered Costia. - "And stay away from other people's boobs."

\- "Good night, Cos."

\- "Good night my Love."

After putting down the phone, Lexa felt that she had enough for today, on cotton legs, almost comatose with fatigue, she went up to the bedroom and went to bed, anticipating several hours of healthy sleep. As she reached out to put out the night light, she saw that Clarke was awake and was looking at her with wide-open eyes that were filled with horror. Sleep vanished.

\- “Hey,” Lexa said quietly. - "Do not be afraid, everything is fine."

\- "Where I am?" Clarke whispered.

\- “You're at my house,” Lexa patted her shoulder soothingly. - "You're safe."

\- "I don't want to be alone..."

\- "I'll stay with you. Do not be afraid."  
Clarke moved closer to Lexa with a quick movement and hugged her tightly around the waist, pressing whole body against her and burying cold nose somewhere in the neck.

\- "How delicious you smell ..." the blonde muttered and immediately sniffled, leaving a slightly dumbfounded Lexa to grind the events of the past day in a lonely insomnia.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

Sleep came to Lexa only in the morning, in the form of some viscous drowsy stupor, which could not bring rest either to the consciousness that was awake somewhere on the verge of reality, or to the body tense from fatigue. After washing in this way for two or three hours, Lexa opened her eyes and decided to get up. Gently freeing herself from Clarke's embrace, who hadn't even changed her posture all night long, Lexa pulled back a little and stretched with pleasure, flexing her numb joints.

And only then realized that for the first time in more than two years she woke up without feeling a sticky cold in chest and limbs. Moreover, she felt so warm only in her distant childhood, when her mother had not yet met her Ehud, and every morning she took little sleepy Lexa to her bed to have enough time with her before a long working day.

«However», Hart thought, and glanced at Clarke, who was sleeping sweetly, her mouth parted like a child and snoring barely audibly. «How amusingly she sleeps ... snuffle like a little bear ... I wonder if Finn notices this? Okay, let her sleep.»

Lexa carefully covered the blonde with a blanket and went to the shower. Having finished with the water procedures, she wanted to go down with a rug into the garden, but the weather left much to be desired: it was pouring rain outside, and the neglected trees in the garden swayed menacingly under strong gusts of icy wind. She had to make allowances for non-flying weather conditions and indulge in the sin of self-improvement in the kitchen: having spread out the mat, Lexa literally forced herself to begin the practice with the usual morning sun greeting. «This is what it means to neglect classes and wallow all day in bed ...» she thought, trying not to notice the aching pain in the joints and tendons and continuing to do dynamic asanas. On the tenth lap she felt better, on the twentieth she felt her body filled with strength, and her consciousness - with joy. After devoting the next forty minutes to the pranayama complex, Lexa finally calmed down and, sitting down in imperfect, but still padmasana, relaxed, allowing herself to just be in the present moment. Not that she was good at it, but still sometimes she managed to plunge into the blissful feeling of «here and now», thereby cutting the Gordian knot of accumulated contradictions that are full of worldly life.

A soft cough brought her out of this blissful state of thoughtlessness. Lexa opened her green-gray eyes, now glowing with inner light, and saw Clarke standing in the doorway, disheveled, barefoot, in one T-shirt that barely reached her mid-thigh.

\- “Good morning,” the blonde said quietly, not taking her mesmerized gaze from Lexa and unsuccessfully trying to smooth her tangled hair.

\- “Good morning,” Lexa replied, lifting herself lightly off the floor. - "How do you feel, Clarke?"

\- “Fine,” the client fiddled with the hem of her T-shirt in embarrassment. - "I thought we switched to "you"? Or is it not very convenient?"

\- “Convenient,” Lexa reassured her. - “I just thought you don’t remember."

\- "I remember ... Almost everything."

«I wonder how I changed her clothes, does she also remember?» Lexa thought. - «Let's hope not ...».

\- "Will you have breakfast?"

\- “Yes,” Clarke nodded enthusiastically. - “I would eat an elephant."

\- “We don’t keep elephants,” Lexa smiled. - "Sit down."

Clarke sat down at the table, and Lexa placed a plate in front of her with some questionable contents.

\- "What is it?" Clarke asked, staring suspiciously at the brown mass in the plate.

\- "This is flaxseed porridge with orange."

\- "A ... Do you have something else?"

\- "Well ..." Lexa defiantly thought. - "I can offer flaxseed porridge with banana."

\- "I see," Clarke sighed and took the spoon. - "Better with an orange ..."

\- "You first try, and then speak."  
Clarke scooped up the porridge and put the spoon in her mouth with a martyr's face. A moment later, a startled expression appeared on her face.

\- "Mmm ... Very tasty!"

\- “You see,” Lexa grinned. - "Tea or coffee?"

\- "Coffee. God, how delicious ... And it looks just awful."

\- "It often happens in life."

\- "That's for sure. But even more often it is the other way around."

\- "Hmm?" Lexa asked, completely engrossed in the coffee making process.

\- “I mean, there are often rotten rafters hidden behind a beautiful façade."

\- “It’s immediately obvious that you’re a writer, Clarke,” Lexa chuckled. - "Such colorful metaphors ... Sugar?"

\- “No thanks,” Clarke inhaled with relish the smell of freshly brewed coffee and took her first sip. Closing her eyes in pleasure, she muttered, - “May I be an addict, but it’s worth it ..."  
Lexa shrugged her shoulders and suddenly remembered the seemingly long forgotten, bittersweet taste of the first morning cigarette, wow, almost five years had passed since the last puff, and the body still yearned for this rubbish ...

\- “So Lexa, when are you going to start enlist me?" Clarke asked in a serious tone after finishing her coffee.

\- "Where?" Lexa tensed. «She's got delirium» She was frightened, carefully peering into the blonde's face and trying to find at least some signs of thought disorder.

\- “Into your ranks,” Clarke explained. - "You're an adherent of the secret cult of yoga and veganism, am I right?"

\- "How did you guess?" smiled Lexa,relaxed.

\- "Well, you don't drink or smoke, eat strange, albeit tasty, things, sleep without a pillow ... And by the way, you force others ... But your main puncture is that when I entered, you was sitting in an inhuman position, a normal person would not tie into such a knot."  
Lexa threw her head back a little and laughed infectiously.

\- “Oh, Clarke, you exposed me ...” she said through laughter. - "We'll have to erase your memory. Don't worry, I know one ancient Tibetan technique, it won't hurt."

\- "Oh, I'm afraid, I'm afraid ..." the blonde waved her hands and also burst out laughing. - "Just don't throw it into the bush! .."  
The phone Lexa had left there vibrated on the table. Still chuckling, she picked up the phone.

\- "What are you so happy about there?" Costia asked irritably.

\- "Nothing ..." answered Lexa, feeling how the mood spoils from the fact that Cos is out of sorts.

\- "Is your client awake?"

\- “Yeah, we're having breakfast,” Lexa said, glancing at Clarke.

\- "I see it's fun there. Maybe in the night was not boring?"

\- "Cos, what happened? Why are you like that?" Lexa frowned and hurried out of the kitchen.

\- "Which - such?"

\- "So nervous ..."

\- “I slept badly,” Costia muttered. - "I didn’t have a blonde with gorgeous breasts at my side."

\- "Are you jealous, or what?"

\- "Of course not," the ex snorted. - “I’m just calling to say that the guardianship court hearing has been postponed again for two weeks, and therefore I’m not coming. I have to be in Chicago and have my finger on the pulse."

\- "Who would have doubted ..." Lexa muttered.

\- "You don't believe me?"

\- "I believe, Cos. But on your arrival, not very much."

\- “You could fly over to me for the weekend yourself. If you wanted to see me."

\- "No, I will not come. Sorry."

\- “It turns out that you didn't miss so much,” Costia said coldly.

\- "It turns out," Lexa agreed.

\- - Well, if so, then bye. Sorry for bothering you."

\- "Bye."

The mood, so rosy-uplifted just a few minutes ago, instantly dropped to the level of the baseboard and convulsively twitched its paws in unsuccessful attempts to rise. Lexa knew that tomorrow or the day after tomorrow Costia would call and ask for forgiveness for another «I don’t-know-what-came-over-me», but it didn’t get any easier. Nothing changes, she thought wistfully. «again i found myself in an emotional dependence on her ... How tired I am of this ...».

\- "Something happened?" Clarke asked worriedly as Lexa returned to the kitchen. - "You look upset."

\- "It's nothing."

\- "Okay ... Where is Eeyore? I would like to talk to him."

\- “Must be here somewhere.” Lexa looked around the kitchen. - "It's strange, he usually spins under feet all the time."  
She went to the window and drew back the shade, revealing to Clarke the deposits of special literature, which she occasionally read at breakfast. Among the books and brochures, on a thin bundle of prints, was lying flat on his stomach, his head raised and front paws stretched forward, Eeyore.

\- “Here he is,” Lexa said with relief, and stretched out her hand and scratched the pet behind the ear.

\- “You look sad, little friend,” Clarke muttered, stroking the kitten lying motionless on the windowsill. - "You are not sick?"

Lexa looked anxiously at Eeyore, he really somehow reacted sluggishly to caresses, and in the morning he did not rush about, as if stung, playing with his favorite mouse. Clarke gingerly touched the kitten's nose and ears.

\- "Lexa, do you have an electronic thermometer? He seems to have a fever."

Searched a half-kitchen, Lexa found a first-aid kit full of expired medicines and all sorts of unnecessary medical devices in her opinion. Looking at the blonde intently digging into the inside of purse, which smelled like a hospital, Lexa realized that the last time Costia had touched this first-aid kit was when she went through expired drugs and replenished stocks of bandages, cough drops and antipyretics and it was so strange to see someone else's hands repeating familiar actions. It's strange and exciting at the same time, and if Lexa hadn't been so worried about Eeyore's condition, she would have thought about it more thoroughly ...

Clarke finally got tired of the blind search and dumped the contents of the medicine cabinet onto the kitchen table. Quickly finding a thermometer in this pile of junk and slightly smearing its flexible tip with some kind of cream, the blonde deftly shoved the measuring device into the kitten's ass, which, contrary to Lexa's expectations, did not even twitch.

\- “He’s really not like that,” Lexa said anxiously, - “and the food has not been touched."

\- "Did you give it to him today?" Clarke asked, nodding at the bowl.

\- "Yes…"

\- "Did he eat yesterday?"

\- “I, I don’t know,” Lexa said. - "That is, in the morning he ate everything and begged for more additives, and in the evening Caroline fed him, and I did not pay attention to how much feed she gave him ... In the morning there was still something left in the bowl."

The thermometer quietly squeaked, announcing the finished measurement. Clarke had just reached out to get the thermometer when Eeyore hissed in a strangled way and, arching at the withers, spewed out a pool of gray-yellow foamy liquid. Lexa grabbed a package of paper towels from the table and looked frightened at Clarke: she calmly took the napkins from her hands and wiped her vomit, and then with an imperceptible movement removed the thermometer and frowned slightly when she saw his readings.

\- "What is it, Clarke?" asked Lexa, feeling completely helpless, she did not even know what temperature is considered normal for cats.

\- "40.1," Clarke replied and looked seriously at Lexa. - “This is bad, Lexa. Vomiting and fever are very bad. I'll call a veterinarian I know, I think he can come. And if not, you will have to take Eeyore to the clinic. Do you know where the nearest one is? .. And where could my phone be? .."

\- "As for the clinic, I will now look on the Internet. And your phone is on the nightstand in the bedroom, it fell out of your jeans pocket yesterday, but it seems to be intact."

\- “Okay,” Clarke nodded. - "I went to call, and you look for a clinic. And do not touch the kitten," she added sternly, - "it may be painful or unpleasant."

Lexa, reaching out to stroke the pet, hastily pulled her hand away.

*****

\- "Of course, he haven't been vaccinated?" Asked the veterinarian, a young black man named Stephen, deftly inserting a catheter into a vein in the slender leg of the unresisting kitten.

\- “I wanted to,” Lexa said quietly, watching the animal doctor draw blood into two small test tubes. - "But I didn't have time ..."

\- "As always ... So the express blood test will be ready by evening," Stephen carefully packed the tubes in his medical case. - "But according to the primary symptoms, I can say that the cat, most likely, has panleukopenia or the so-called «plague». I'm sorry, girls, but such little kittens are doomed with this disease, they survive, at best, five to ten percent. It would be better for you not to torture yourself or the animal ..."

\- "What are you talking about, Steve?" Clarke was indignant. - "At least one percent! We will still do everything in our power. Right, Lexa?"

Lexa looked at the blonde with a bewildered look and nodded slightly in retardation. Clarke, seeing that reaction, took Lexa's hand and squeezed tightly in hers.

\- “He won't die,” she said firmly. - "Do you hear?"  
Lexa nodded uncertainly again and looked from Eeyore to the vet.

\- "What do we need to do?" Lexa asked, feeling the warmth spreading through Clarke's body from the hot touch, banishing the panic and sticky cold, the eternal companion of stress and tension.

\- "Hm ..." Stephen thoughtfully scratched the bridge of his nose. - "In an amicable way, he, of course, should be placed in an infectious diseases hospital, but in your backwoods he is unlikely to be ... I would not recommend taking a kitten to New York. You will have to be treated at home."

\- “Sit down and write what to do,” Clarke commanded, taking the initiative completely into her own hands. - "Tell in parallel."  
Stephen nodded and, taking out prescription forms, sat down at the table.

\- "Now I will inject him the first dose of serum and put a catheter in the jugular vein, we will drip electrolytes and vitamins, it will not be worse; in the evening, if the diagnosis is confirmed, we will start injecting antibiotics and antispasmodics. Here's the recipe, Clarke, buy everything from the list.” The vet handed the blonde a finely written sheet. - "You know how to put injections and IVs, as far as I remember?"  
Clarke nodded and the animal doctor continued.  
\- "Then you can handle it. Droppers, every four hours, serum once a day under the withers, the rest of the injections twice a day intravenously. And measuring the temperature every hour, if it falls below 36.5, put the cat on a heating pad and wrap it in a warm scarf. All clear?"

\- “Yes,” said the blonde.

\- "Okay," Stephen held out and got busy with Eeyore: he injected some medicine from an ampoule under the withers and put a new catheter into his skinny neck, securing it with a bandage and a plaster. 

\- "I will call. And yes, arrange for him some dark place, closed on three sides. And let a bowl of water and diluted dietary food stand next to it all the time, I wrote what ... Like everything."

\- “Thanks, Stephen,” Clarke said. Lexa nodded silently. - "If anything, we'll call, okay?"

\- “Of course,” the veterinarian replied and, accompanied by the blonde, headed for the door. Already standing on the threshold, he quietly said: 

\- "Clarke, do you understand that the cat will not survive? Why torture him?"

\- “Hush,” Clarke hissed, looking around to make sure Lexa wasn't following them. - "You see, she is in shock, the first kitten, and this happens ..."

\- "Well, look for yourself, of course, is yours matter... I just feel sorry for the animal."

\- "Stephen, sometimes people need to know that they did their best."

\- "Okay ..." Stephen smiled. - "It's been a long time since I saw you at the shelter ... Where have you disappeared at all?"

\- "Oh, lot piled on," Clarke waved her hand vaguely. - "But you have there, I suppose, everything is the same: many cats and little money?"

\- "That's right," the vet laughed. - "Come back to us, Clarke, we miss."

\- "Necessarily," the blonde answered seriously. - "As soon as I deal with my problems."

\- "See you then."

\- "Bye, Steve. We are waiting for your call about the tests."

\- "Yeah," Stephen replied carelessly, already walking down the driveway. He did his best, and it is not his fault that weak little kittens die first ...

*****

The next three days passed for Lexa as if in a fog: the Eeyore leaving before our eyes, his constant vomiting, droppers, injections, hourly temperature measurements and a change of a rapidly cooling heating pad ... Plus a trip to New York for consultations, which Lexa, due to the lack of an assistant, could not cancel in time. Fortunately, Clarke was there all the time, leaving home only once, to take clean things and check the apartment and Lexa could worry a little less about the pet left at home, knowing that he was in good hands.  
These hands, it turns out, could do a lot: they deftly looked after a sick kitten, helped to quickly clean up and prepare something simple so as not to starve to death, and also ... and also acted on Lexa like a sip of a killer sedative. She was convinced of this when, on the first night, shrinking with horror, she watched Eeyore, writhing in convulsions, not knowing how to alleviate his suffering ... Clarke then quickly injected the cat with some kind of injection, and then for a long time consoled Lexa, shaking in a chill, in her arms , stroking her hair and back with soft movements ...  
On the first day, right after the veterinarian left, they moved the kitten to the living room, having built a cozy shelter for him from a large cardboard box with one wall torn off, and they themselves took turns on duty at night, snoozing on a hard, bumpy sofa. On the fourth night, having set a reminder timer for the dropper, Lexa was reclining in a nest made of blankets and pillows, now and then plunging into a heavy doze, when she suddenly heard a quiet rustle coming from Eeyore's «house».  
With difficulty opening her eyes, she saw how a small courageous cat, exhausted by the illness and treatment, barely holding on to shaking paws, went to a bowl of water and began to drink greedily from it. Lexa, jumping up with joy, barely restrained herself from rushing into the bedroom to wake Clarke after all, she said that if Eeyore starts eating and drinking on his own, then the danger is over, and recovery is not far off. Still, deciding not to bother the blonde, which was no less tense than her, Lexa happily watched the pet, which, having drunk and a little eat liquid food, returned to box and for the first time in a long time, curled up on a warm heating pad, fell asleep calmly.  
Lexa lay still for some time, closing her eyes, but the dream, driven out by joyful excitement, apparently ran far away and was in no hurry to return. In the hope of distraction, Lexa climbed into Facebook from her phone and thoughtlessly scrolled through the news feed. Noticing Costia online, she suddenly realized that all these three days she had not remembered either the existence of the former or their incomprehensible quarrel the day before.  
«Wow,» Lexa was surprised. «But she wasn’t there again when I needed support so badly ... Clarke, who was actually a stranger to me, was here, not giving a damn about her deeds and obligations, and supported me not only in words, but also in deeds, but a woman, who says she loves, did not even bother to call to apologize for her quirks ... Now she will write ... ». And for sure after a couple of minutes, the phone quietly rang, notifying of an incoming message.

Costia: "Why are not you sleeping? Night-midnight ... " wrote Costia.  
Lexa: "Can't sleep," Lexa replied. - "What are you doing?"  
Costia: “I'm going through our disagreement ... I was waiting for you to call me or write me. As you can see, I didn't handle it... ”.  
Lexa: "I've had some rough days, Cos."  
Costia" "Can i call?"  
Lexa: "OK, call".

The call came as soon as the message went away, and Lexa quickly pressed the call accept button without letting the phone burst into a loud ringtone.

\- “Hi,” Lexa said. - "How are you?"

\- “Fine,” Costia answered without enthusiasm in her voice. - "Susan and Monty drove off to his mother's for the weekend, and I'm here alone and think about you."

\- “You should've called earlier,” Lexa said calmly.

\- "I was waiting for you to call ..."

\- "Kindergarten, Cos. Pants on straps."

\- "Yes ... Are you mad at me?"

\- “No, I'm not angry,” Lexa replied. - "I would have called myself, but Eeyore was seriously ill, and I had no time for that."

\- "Oh God ... What's with him?"

\- "Chumka." 

\- "I'm so sorry, honey ... He'll get better, won't he?"

\- "The veterinarian said there was almost no chance, but it seems we got him out. Although my merit in this is not much, if not for Clarke ..."

\- "Clarke?" interrupted Costia. - "Is she still with you?"

\- "Yes. Eeyore is her godson ... in a sense. If not for her, I don't know what would have happened to us."

\- "Understand."

\- "What do you understand?" Lexa asked irritably, who was always infuriated by the former's manner of speaking in short, meaningless phrases «think out, they say, what you want.» - Let's find out to the end and close the topic."

\- "Are you sleeping with her?" Costia asked after a little hesitation.

\- "No! .." Lexa answered indignantly. - "She's actually my client, just for a minute."

\- "Then why does she spend the night with you so many nights in a row?"

\- "Because I needed help and support. And I got them from her ..."

\- "What are you hinting at now? That I wasn’t there?" Costia asked dryly. - "Maybe I should give up everything here a child, a divorce, a job and come to you to listen to endless reproaches?"

\- “Forget it, Cos,” Lexa said. - “You may never come at all."

\- “This ... It was insulting, Alexandria,” Costia said after a long silence, turning on a psychologist and a diplomat.

\- "Sorry. But you're good too."

\- "Yes, I guess ... I ... I was just jealous of you for her."

\- “Well, well…” Lexa chuckled. - “You weren’t so jealous before, Cos."

\- “I wasn't,” Costia agreed with a sigh. - "Before, I firmly knew that you were mine and did not even look to the side. And now ... Now I am very afraid of losing you. I'm afraid that you will meet some such «Clarke» and forget about me ..."

\- “Oh, come on, Cos,” Lexa said, slightly offended by the dismissive tone in which Costia spoke about Clarke. - "You lived well without me for more than two years."

\- “I was trying to save my marriage, Lex. For Susan's sake, you know how much she loves Monty ..." Costia paused a little and continued: - "Then it seemed to me right, and I didn't understand that there was, in general, nothing to save ... Believe me, during these two years not went a day by that I didn't think about you."

\- “Okay,” Lexa muttered. - "Okay. Listen, I need to change Eeyore's heating pad and put on a drip."

\- "Okay. I'll call you tomorrow to see how you are doing."

\- "Yeah. Bye, Cos."

\- "Bye. I love you."

*****

Lexa spent the rest of the night in a kind of sleep, wandering a superficial sleepy thought in the tangled tangle of events over the past few days. There was everything: Clarke's attack, provoked by memories of her mother, and the night spent in frightening intimacy, and their light, easy communication the next morning, which happens only between long-familiar, almost native people ... «I feel with her as easy as it was once with Costia ... This is strange, very strange ... » Lexa thought through her sleep and immediately switched to something else: to a stupid quarrel with Cos or to Eeyore's disease, or to a nice veterinarian named Stephen, with whom Clarke was talking about something. whispering at the door.

«I wonder what they were talking about? Although I don't care ...» a sluggish thought floated in and immediately dissolved, giving way to completely phantasmagoric pictures, either from a past that did not happen, or from a possible future. From this sticky web of sleepy consciousness, Clarke snatched Lexa shaking her slightly by the shoulder and saying quietly:

\- "Lexa ... Lexa, get up and go to the bedroom ... I'll stay with Eeyore."

\- “Eeyore himself drank water at night,” Lexa said, smiling through the sleepy fog. - "And ate a little."

\- "Really?" Clarke was delighted and blew up to measure the temperature of the kitten. He mewed with displeasure and wanted to grab the blonde's finger. - "Yeah, we are fight... So, we really are better. But we will supply you with a dropper with an ukolchik, bandit, anyway, don't even hope."  
Cooing with the kitten, Clarke quickly did all the necessary manipulations and again sat down on the sofa next to Lexa.

\- “Hey, stop sleeping,” Clarke lightly pushed Lexa in the side. - "Get up and go grocery shopping, we are planning a gala dinner with all sorts of delicious treats prepared according to your secret vegan recipes."

\- "Today?" Lexa asked, yawning sweetly into her fist.

\- "No, tomorrow. Today I still need Eeyore in an adequate state," the blonde laughed. - "You never know what."

\- "Why do you have to come to an inadequate state from dinner?" Lexa asked, puzzled.

\- "Because I'm going to get drunk in honor of the cat's miraculous deliverance from the ailment. And don't make a face like that, Lexa."

\- “Okay, okay,” Hart grumbled. - "I have corn whiskey, I bought it for ... well, for a friend."

\- "Ugh," Clarke winced. - "As if this is real a drink for a real lady."

\- “Okay,” Lexa grinned. - "What kind of poison does Madame prefer?"

\- "Well ... Madame prefers martini. And remember, this is not poison, this is divine nectar ..."

Lexa rolled her eyes. 

\- "Just ambrosia ..."

\- “Get up already, bore,” Clarke literally shoved Lexa off the couch. - "And don't forget to buy something tasty for Eeyore. He deserves it."

Lexa got to the supermarket only in the afternoon, at first she was rebate for a long time in the kitchen, meditating over a cup of tea, then she took a shower for at least a long time, and after Clarke started cleaning the living space, and Lexa felt ashamed to leave her alone to do this ... When she returned, she found Clarke staring at a pile of stretch-wrapped, duct-taped boxes in the corner of the living room.

\- "It needs to be taken apart," said the blonde. - "It will be more comfortable."

\- “We should,” Lexa agreed. - "What's in them? Not signed there?"

\- “Nah,” Clarke got up firmly from the couch and, armed with scissors, opened the first box. - "There are some notebooks."

\- "These are my working notes, they need to be taken to the office."

\- “Then we'll put this box on the doorstep,” Clarke said, and dragged the box into the hallway. - "Load it in the car, and that's it."

\- “How simple everything is with you,” Lexa said, watching the blonde's actions.

\- "What is difficult?"

\- "I don’t know ... I have been fighting over these rubble for several months, since I moved. It seems to me that this is something karmic ..."

\- "You don't say," Clarke snorted and began to unpack the next box. - “You're just looking for excuses."

\- "Maybe," Lexa nodded in agreement and joined the analysis of things, among which she suddenly stumbled upon a thick pack of assorted photographs, those were moments of their common life with Costia frozen in eternity moments of love, tenderness, joy and hopes that were not destined to come true ...

\- "Who is it?" Clarke asked, curiously staring at the pictures of Lexa and Cos hugging, fooling around, making faces or staring seriously into the lens. - "Your sister?"

\- "No, this is my ex."

\- "Your ex? Clarke repeated automatically. - "Oh ... So you ..."

\- “Yes, I'm a lesbian,” Lexa said, waiting with interest for Clarke's reaction.

\- “Uhh,” the blonde coughed and blushed deeply. - "Wow ... And I walked in front of you in my underwear ... I'm sorry."

\- “Forgive,” Lexa laughed. - “You know, Clarke, I’ll tell you a secret: lesbians are people too. And moreover, first of all - people."

\- "I understand ... Lexa, don't think I'm okay with this, really," Clarke blushed even more, although it seemed there was nowhere to go further. - "Just a little unexpected, you are so feminine, I thought you had no end to men."

\- "Yeah, no end just not from the men ... So, let's not take these boxes apart. I remembered that they were Costia's things, somehow I would gather my thoughts and send them to her with a valuable parcel post."

\- "And ... where is she now?"

\- "In Chicago. I moved from there."

\- "Because of her?"

\- “And because of her, too. I just thought, if you have an itch, then there is a whole room upstairs, crammed with all sorts of interesting things ... I call it «Bluebeard's closet.»"

\- "Does it seem to me or are you exploiting me?" Clarke feigned indignation.

\- "No way," Lexa replied seriously. - “I’m just directing your unrestrained impulses into the right direction."

\- “Okay, I'll go take a look at your… um… closet,” the blonde grumbled as she climbed the stairs. - "I wonder what you hide there ..."

\- "All my ex-wives ..."

\- "Oh my god ... I hope they are not rotten."


	7. A magical place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

Clarke went upstairs and disappeared. Lexa has already managed to cook a light dinner, chat with blog readers in the comments and leave an announcement on several forums about the search for an assistant, but the blonde still did not appear. «Maybe she found a way to Narnia there?» thought Lexa and decided to go to find out how Clarke was doing. «So where is my two-handed sword? And it would not hurt to take the horse ...».

Easily running up the stairs and looking through the open door of «Bluebeard's closet», Lexa saw Clarke, who was snuggled up in a rocking chair that was dry from old age and adversity, and, wearing hipster-looking glasses in thick plastic frames, was enthusiastically reading some yellowed from time to time papers, apparently taken from a carved, dark wood box that stood next to the rocking chair on the floor.

\- “Um,” Lexa coughed, drawing attention to herself. - "What did you find so interesting here?"

Clarke flinched in surprise and looked up at Lexa, her eyes slightly red with strain and dust.

\- "Whose things are these?" Clarke asked. - "And the documents?"

\- “I don’t know,” Lexa shrugged. - "The house was sold by distant relatives of the recently deceased old man. They did not really communicate with him during their lifetime, some kind of seventh water on jelly."

\- “Those are probably his letters,” Clarke said. - "And the diary belongs either to the father or to the grandfather, I did not understand. Have you read?"

\- “No,” Lexa replied, shaking her head. - "I just put all things and papers here, because my hand did not rise to throw it away."

\- "Do you think you can somehow contact the heirs?"

\- "What for?" Lexa was surprised. - “If they needed this junk, they would take it before selling it."

\- "Well ... I just want to ask them permission to read all these letters, notebooks and diaries. This is still the personal space of their family, it is inconvenient to poke nose there without asking."

"You already poke it in," Lexa laughed. - "And now you have a nose in some kind of dust."

\- "I haven't read everything yet," Clarke objected, rubbing the tip of her nose and sneezing deafeningly.   
\- “Oh… see that chest by the window? So he is filled to the brim with this good ..."

\- "What a horror," Lexa threw up her hands. - "No, I will not participate in this ... If you want, I can give you the phone number of the agent who sold the house, and he will tell you how to find the owners of this treasure."

\- "Give me," the blonde nodded and resolutely went to the chest. - "I'll dig a little more here, do you mind?"

\- "I don’t mind. But remember: dinner is ready and waiting only for you."

\- "Uh-huh," Clarke muttered, already buried in the papers. - "I'll be in a minute ..."

Needless to say, the «minute» lasted for another good two hours, which Lexa made the most of: having carefully thought out the menu for tomorrow's gala dinner, she made all the necessary preparations for the main dishes and thought about the dessert. In the end, deciding to get confused and make homemade halva from sesame seeds and sunflower seeds, she soaked the raisins and, while it absorbed moisture, lightly toasted the seeds. When the raisins were dry, she threw them into a blender and added flour that had already been ground from seeds. Thinking, Lexa diligently mixed the resulting crumbly mass with honey and was so immersed in this meditative process that she did not hear Clarke appear in the kitchen.

\- "What are you cooking?" asked the blonde, looking over Lex's shoulder.  
Lexa winced and nearly dropped the spoon.

\- “Gods! .. You scared me! ..” Lexa exclaimed. - "How can you sneak up like that?"

\- "Sorry," Clarke was confused. - "So after all, what is it?

\- "Halvah for dessert for tomorrow's dinner."

\- “Mmm… She even looks delicious. Can't i try now?"

\- "You can't. This is for tomorrow, and in general she still needs to stand in the refrigerator."

\- "What a welcoming home ..." Clarke sighed. - "Dinner will be tomorrow too?"

\- "Dinner, so be it, I'll feed it today. True, everything has cooled down, and you will have to wait until it warms up. Cover table, if not difficult. I didn't wait for you and I already ate."

\- “I'm ready,” said Clarke, having completed the task, and sat down in the seat she had chosen from the first day. Impatiently tapping the handle of a fork on the tabletop, she did not take her hungry eyes off the oven, in which something that smelled delicious was being heated. 

\- "What is it?"

\- "Vegetable casserole. You're like that Winnie-the-Pooh who is not given a pot of honey ..." Smiling, Lexa said. - "A little impatient bear."

Clarke snorted and then burst out laughing as she tried to say something.

\- "What?" Lexa asked suspiciously.

\- "Then you ..." Clarke even grunted with delight, into which she was led by an unspoken thought. - "Then you are a donkey Eeyore ... Sad and boring."

\- “Not true,” Lexa protested.

\- "True true. When's your birthday? I'll give you a ponytail."

\- “You know what,” Lexa said, frowning playfully. - "Now someone will be left without dinner."

\- "OK OK. If you don't want to be a donkey, you will be Piglet ... And in general, you were the first to start calling names."

\- "I'm not calling names, but stating facts. You sniff in your sleep like a bear in the winter."

\- "Hey! .. I don't sniff!"

\- "Sniff. I heard," Lexa took a casserole out of the oven and, putting an impressive piece on a plate, put this sickly portion in front of Clarke, no matter what, but the blonde did not complain about her appetite.

\- "Well, okay. In any case, today I will lie down on the couch and will not bother you with my puffing."

\- "Why on the couch?" Lexa was surprised.

\- "Well, because ..." Clarke hesitated. - “I'll just lie there."

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said softly. - "The bed is large, and we can easily accommodate on it without crossing. Just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I throw myself at all the women in the area."

\- "Well ... no. I'll go to bed in the living room, okay? It will be more convenient for me. And still need to look after Eeyore.

\- “Okay,” Lexa agreed. - "At least no one will sniff in ear."

\- "I do not. Sniff." Separately said Clarke, jabbing a fork with a piece of casserole planted on it in the direction of Lexa. - “Remember this, Miss Hart."

\- “Oh gods,” Lexa sighed. - "And which of us is a donkey? .."

*****

Lexa, even on the first day of being together, noticed that Clarke was one of those people who, without noticing it, were tenderly friends with the material world: every work was argued in their hands, every object found its place, and every habitat gradually acquired a comfortable and habitable look. Still, convincing Lexa to drag the boxes with Costia's things to the basement, the blonde began to further equip the living room: She parted and vacuumed the heavy velvet curtains, covered the sofa with a blanket, dragged the cat scratching post into the corner (which clearly did not delight the insolent Eared Eagle) and finally took up the fireplace, which was filled to the brim with all the paper rubbish from the times of the development of Indians territories and the war of independence ...

By the time Lexa finished her magic in the kitchen, the living room had completely changed: from a dark, musty room, it had turned into a completely habitable room - spacious, in the morning, probably filled with air and sunlight, and now comfortably lit by a yellow flame dancing in a cleaned hearth.  
Trying not to panic about the changes so rapidly occurring in her home, Lexa quickly placed cooked dishes on a cleanly tidy coffee table: strudli with vegetables baked on potatoes, and falafel with boiled green beans as a side dish. For dessert, not only homemade halva was supposed, but also apple mulled wine, a saucepan with which, to avoid cooling, was moved closer to the fireplace.

Clarke, seeing and smelling all this splendor, quickly threw a pressed round of fuel into the fire and suggested not to pull, but quite the opposite, to start the meal, because there is no longer any physical possibility to swallow saliva. Lexa laughed as she brought the cutlery and laid out the food on the plates.  
Clarke quickly watered down the offered treat and, after specifying the composition of each dish, asked for an additive, which she dealt with just as quickly.

\- "You cook very tasty," the blonde sighed, it seems, with difficulty restraining herself so as not to lick the plate. - “But I don’t know at all ... That is, I guess I can, but at the same time I crumble everything around that it’s better not even to start ..."

\- "What do you eat?" Lexa asked. - "Finn cooks?"

\- "Oh yeah," Clarke snorted. - "He cooks beer and chips in any quantity. No, I cook, of course, but this is no frills. Doesn't seem that he complain. But you can't grow a belly on my grubs." Clarke patted herself on the belly. - "But after your hospitality, I will not fit into any jeans."

\- "Is this a rebuke or a compliment?" Lexa asked with a smile.

\- "This is a mournful cry over a flat tummy that has died in Bose. Amen," the blonde once more sadly felt her waist, but immediately cheered up. - "There is a proposal to start tasting your mulled wine."

\- “It's non-alcoholic,” Lexa warned, opening a steaming pot of fragrant hot drink and pouring a small ladle into mugs.

\- “We’ll fix that now,” Clarke said, and pulled a quart bottle of martini from behind the sofa. - "I have a half ..."

Pouring a good portion of alcohol into the mug, the blonde took a sip of the resulting cocktail and relaxed back on the back of the sofa.

\- “That's it,” Clarke said with satisfaction. - "For the recovery of Eeyore!"

\- "For Eeyore's recovery," Lexa repeated, lifting her mug with her lean portion. - "And for you. Because if not you, he would have died ..."

\- "No way," Clarke protested. - "You could do it alone."

\- “No,” Lexa shook her head. - "I know so little about cats ... And when he fell ill, I immediately went into a panic ..."

\- "Quite a normal reaction, I think," Clarke pointed out carefully.

\- “Not really,” Lexa said. - "Okay, let's not talk about sad things, these days were already hard enough."

\- "Okey," the blonde easily agreed and, shifting on the sofa, tried to take a comfortable position. - "No, this is impossible, personally, I will sit on the floor, otherwise I will become enraged and pull out all its remaining springs from this monster."

\- “I think you’ll become friends after that,” Lexa laughed and also slid to the floor, leaning her back on the disgraced piece of furniture.

\- "I don't think so ..." Clarke muttered and stroked the one who had come to check if everything was in order, Eeyore. Having crawled over to the blonde, he squeezed onto her knees to the hostess and, sitting in a strange position, rumbled contentedly. Lexa smiled placidly and, stroking the kitten, turned a thoughtful gaze into the fire. Didn’t want to talk, and so was quietly silent, listening with one ear as Clarke fidgeted restlessly and sighed beside her, obviously not daring to start some kind of conversation. Finally, after chatting two carts of all sorts of nonsense and simultaneously sentencing the third mug of a cocktail of her own invention, she said:

\- "Lexa, forgive me, can I ask an immodest question? .. Otherwise, I’ll be torn from curiosity ... But if you don’t want to, then don’t answer."

\- "What a question?" asked Lexa, tearing off the spellbound gaze from the flame and transferring it to the blonde, rosy with heat and alcohol.

\- "Well ... Are you with someone now? I mean: do you have a girlfriend or ... how is it? .. partner?"

\- "No, I'm alone now."

\- "Why?" Clarke drawled. - "You're so beautiful."

\- "I do not know. Maybe I have a terrible temper?" Lexa chuckled.

\- "And who is not have?" Shrugging her shoulders, asked the blonde, apparently in a philosophical mood. - "We are all not powdered sugar. No, seriously, why are you alone?"

\- “Probably…” Lexa paused. - "Probably because I don't feel the strength to take care of anyone. I had a very painful breakup of past long-term relationships, and I am not yet ready for new ones."

\- "Will you tell? .."

\- "What to tell?" Lexa finished the mulled wine in one gulp and put the mug on the floor. - "Her name is Costia ... She was married, and I was her mistress. This is to call a spade."

\- "And if you call it the way you feel it?"

\- “And if so ...” Lexa sighed. - "And if so, then everything, of course, is a little more complicated ... We met when I was finishing the course at the university, and she read us additional lectures on clinical psychology. She invited everyone to attend her consultations in order to learn from real cases ...

Well, somehow everything started spinning with us, I didn't even understand how ... Imagine, I myself did not understand how I fell in love with a woman who had a husband and a four-year-old child and who immediately made it clear that she was not going to destroy the family under any circumstances.  
Lexa fell silent and pulled the blanket off the couch and threw it over her shoulders.

\- "And then what happened?" Clarke asked quietly.

\- “Oh, it was fun afterward,” Lexa smiled bitterly. - "We converged and dispersed every two or three months with all the accompanying paraphernalia tears, snot and vows in eternal unearthly love ... With about the same frequency she left her husband, so that later to return to him ... Once I got tired of all this, and I left , as it seemed to me then, for good ... We did not communicate for half a year or so ... but then ... then she returned me anyway, promising to break up with Monty as soon as her daughter grows up a little ... I don't really believe it, but somehow resigned herself, decided to just love her and live for today, here and now, without asking or demanding anything in return ..."

\- "And how long did you last?"

\- "Six years ..." Lexa thought a little, choosing her words. - "Sometimes you get so used to a person, so grow to him that when he leaves, it seems as if your roots have been chopped ... and you will forever wander on empty land, finding no shelter anywhere ..."

\- "Why did she leave?" Clarke asked, gently patting Lexa on the shoulder.

\- "Who knows ... She said that she was tired of living a lie, that she could not look her child in the eyes, that it was time to finally choose between me and her husband ... and that she chose a husband because ... Who, hell knows why."

\- “I'm so sorry Lexa."

\- “The worst thing,” Lexa hesitated, not knowing whether to tell the story to the end, but then she made up her mind. - "The worst thing is that before leaving, she put me to bed and, one might say, used me. Finally. And then, dressing, in between times, announced her decision. I will never forgive her ... No matter what she says to me now ..."

\- "Hush, hush." Clarke covered Lexa's shoulders with her hot palms and squeezed tightly. - "You're all trembling."

\- "This is a neurotic reaction, do not pay attention."

\- "Neurotic reaction?"

\- "Yes. That night, when Costia left, left me, I sat for several hours in the bathroom, on the cold floor, and froze to death. Since then, I react to any stress in the same way, starts to shake ..."

\- "Come here," Clarke wrapped Lexa tighter in a blanket and hugged her tightly. - "It will pass?"

\- "Rather, it will be driven inside when I finally let go of this whole situation."

\- "It's good to be a psychologist: you know everything about yourself ..."

\- "Yeah. Only it doesn't help a bit." Lexa gratefully touched Clarke's palm. - "Maybe we can change the subject?"

\- “Of course,” the blonde replied and, noticing that Lexa had stopped pounding, she pulled back slightly.

\- “I read your book,” Lexa said. - “You’ve probably been told this more than once, but you’re damn talented."

\- “No way,” Clarke muttered, embarrassed, burying herself in her mug. - "Just a strong professional, no more."

\- "Do not be shy."

\- "I don't even think so. By the way, my glass is empty ... And no one look after me ..."  
Smiling, Lexa reached over to the pot and filled Clarke's cup with the rest of the mulled wine.

\- “By the way, you’ve already sentenced half a liter of martini,” the brunette said, watching the blonde perfect the drink.

\- “I can do more,” Clarke assured.

\- "Tell me, why such a heavy and ... uh-uh ... unfeminine topic? Nazi Germany, the main homosexual hero, who is doomed in advance, the war, the concentration camp ... And everything is so thought out and passed through itself," Lexa shook her head. - "I can't even imagine how you did it ..."

\- “It wasn't easy,” the blonde agreed, and, narrowing her eyes thoughtfully, stared at the fire in the fireplace. - "You know, I just wanted to show that a person can remain human in any conditions: in battle, in a death camp, in a psychiatric hospital, in grief and separation ... Always."

\- “This requires a huge inner resource,” Lexa shook her head. - "Not all people have it."

\- “But we're evolving this way,” Clarke said.

\- "I did not get that?"

\- "Well, the evolutionary process continues, right? Physically, we are unlikely to change, unless we grow ourselves some pseudopods for direct connection to a computer, but we will still grow spiritually for a very, very long time and moreover, in a vertical direction. As they say, forward and upward."

\- “You're a hopeless romantic, Clarke,” Lexa smiled.

\- "Finn says I'm a hopeless fool. Especially when I get cheated in the supermarket.” Clarke laughed lightly. - "Where is my martini? It's time to drink it undiluted."

For the rest of the evening, they chatted about light, non-binding topics, laughed at the jokes that Clarke generated every now and then, and afterward, a little tired of communication, they were just comfortably silent, enjoying peace and quiet.  
After a couple of hours, after splashing the rest of the martini into the mug, Clarke put down the empty bottle and with a groan stretched, rubbing her lower back.

\- “It's not a sofa,” she said, struggling to cope with her own tangled tongue. - "This is some kind of Procrustean bed. I suffered all night."

\- “I suggested you sleep on the bed,” Lexa answered, also stretching.

\- “Massage,” Clarke said. - "My back suffered from your couch, and therefore you have a massage. I think this is fair."

Lexa, only now noticing how drunk the blonde was, decided not to argue and smiled: massage so massage.

\- “Lie down then,” she commanded, removing the blanket and pillows from the sofa. Clarke readily flopped down on her stomach and muttered:

\- "Just not very strongly, okay?"

\- "That's how I can," answered Lexa and with dexterous movements began to knead the blonde's neck and shoulders through the T-shirt.

\- "Oh, it hurts! .." the blonde complained, involuntarily tightening herself even more.

\- “Be patient and relax,” Lexa replied. - "It will be good."

For another five minutes Lexa mercilessly crumpled Clarke's tense muscles with fingers, and then suddenly changed tactics, the movements of her hands became smooth, and the touches were barely perceptible. Clarke closed her eyes relaxedly and mumbled something indistinctly.  
Lexa was slowly moving palms from Clarke's shoulders to lower back, simply stroking Clarke, who was sombering with pleasant sensations, when Lexa suddenly noticed that Clarke shuddered slightly when her hand was just below the left shoulder blade, a couple of centimeters from the spinal column.

«Hmm, what is this?» thought Lexa and deliberately stroked the found place a little harder, observing the reaction, which was not long in coming: Clarke barely noticeably tensed and gasped convulsively the air that had accumulated in her lungs. «Erogenous zone, wow ...» Lexa was surprised and, unable to stop, continued to caress the blonde's back, exploring the boundaries of the magical place and experimenting with the force of pressure on it. Clarke, flushed and finally languish, lay quietly, occasionally trembling all over in response to Lexa's touch.  
Fascinated by this sight, Lexa, no longer understanding what she was doing, ran her hand under the blonde's T-shirt and, with a light, almost weightless movement, traced the outline of a sensitive spot with her fingertips. Clarke opened her eyes in amazement and, barely audibly groaning, bent strongly back in the lower back, and then slowly lowered her head back onto her crossed arms ... Lexa, not wanting to lose even a shadow of emotion, watched her carefully, eagerly absorbing her upturned face with eyes closed with pleasure, lips trembling, eyelashes fluttering ... Taking a breath, Clarke quietly asked:

\- "Stroke me again ..."

Intoxicated by what was happening no less than Clarke's alcohol, Lexa pulled up blonde's T-shirt and began to draw intricate patterns on the blonde's back, barely touching the velvety skin with her fingertips ... the crackling fire in the fireplace and the uneven breathing of both women did break off the loud ring of Clark's mobile.  
Lexa hastily jerked her hands away, as if she had touched a fire, while the blonde looked around, dumbfounded, looking for her phone. Lexa lifted it off the floor and placed it in her outstretched hand, having noticed the caller's name on the screen «Finn.»

Jumping to her feet, Lexa almost ran out of the living room and went up to the bathroom. After washing her face with icy water, she carefully looked in the mirror at her pale face with glowing green eyes and scowled.

"What am I doing? ..» she asked herself mentally, having calmed down a little and opened her hands, convulsively clinging to the edges of the shell. "What the hell am I thinking? Clarke is my client, and we can easily and superficially communicate, but nothing more ... What happened now is ... this is wrong ... damn it ...» Lexa squeezed her temples with cold fingers and barely she moaned audibly in despair.

«That's ok... Tomorrow she will leave home, and everything will be fine, we will meet once a week and deal with her problems ... Maybe it's good that we got so close, now she will trust me more ... Damn, don't lie to yourself, Lexa ... What happened is shitty ... it's really shitty ... How could I let this happen? .. A little more, and I would not be able to stop ... would take her right there, on the couch or on the floor ... I would take advantage of her condition ... as the last rubbish ... She does not deserve this ... But does anyone deserve? .. Did I deserve?..Oh ...» from stress and anxiety, Lexa got a chills, and she, with difficulty restraining nausea, sank to the floor. With face buried in knees, shaking in a sticky chills and floating in a dizzy spell, Lexa patiently waited out the attack. After a few minutes, she stopped shaking shallowly and, exhaling with relief, wiped the cold sweat from her forehead. With difficulty rising to feet, Lexa splashed cool water in face and studied reflection for a long time, not recognizing herself in this pale, exhausted creature through the looking glass.

Smiling evilly, she thought cynically: «And maybe really to fly to Costia for the weekend, at least I’ll get enough of sex... That’s all she needs from me, everything else is a nice addition to the bed ... Giving birth to children with her, yeah right now, I ran ...» a little calmed down by her own sarcasm, Lexa closed eyes so as not to see the ghost behind the mirrored glass, and suddenly clearly realized that, as before, she and Costia would never have anything again ... Never and nothing. Perhaps they will be able to build something new on the ruins of past relationships, but this still unfortunate thing has already been poisoned by the bitterness of the experience, is it worth starting at all? ..

Finally pulling herself together, Lexa once again rinsed face and, pulling on a mask of complete indifference, left the bathroom. Returning to the living room, she found that Clarke was already sound asleep sprawled on stomach, one leg bent under her and, as usual, snoring softly. There was a telephone lying next to the sofa. When Lexa bent down to pick him up, he blurted out softly, and a message from Finn flashed on the screen.

«Finn: "I miss you!"» 

Lexa involuntarily read and jerked hand away from the device, as if in the blink of an eye it had turned from a wireless device into a vile creeping reptile. «That's right ...» she thought. - «Everything is as it should be.» After covering Clarke with a blanket and quickly repairing the aftermath of a well-spent evening, Lexa went up to her room. In the head was surprisingly blank.

*****

The next morning, Lexa was seriously worried that Clarke would drink all the water from the tap, thereby causing a humanitarian disaster on a local scale. With some difficulty tearing the unusually gloomy and silent blonde from the sink, Lexa sat her down at the table and placed a large cup of hot vegetable broth in front of her.

\- “Got to eat, Clarke,” she said. - "It will become easier."

\- “I can't,” Clarke muttered, pushing the food away from her. - "Can I have some coffee?"

\- “No coffee,” Lexa replied calmly. - "You can eat broth, and after an hour drink green tea."

\- “I don’t even have the strength to resist,” the blonde muttered, taking a small sip from her cup. - "You are a cruel woman ... and my death will be on your conscience ..."

Lexa wanted to say in response something caustic and acrimonious about female alcoholism, which, as know, cannot be cured, but remembering that at night, in sleepless thoughts, she decided to keep a reasonable working distance from Clarke, she said nothing. Also silently, noticing that the blonde had finished with the broth, she poured to her supplements.

«I wonder what she thinks about yesterday?» Lexa mused, glancing sideways at Clarke. «Maybe she doesn't remember? No, she didn't drink so much ... She remembers, but doesn't want to discuss? Or, maybe, does not consider what happened to be something out of the ordinary, like all these innocent girlish things that students often indulge in dormitories, having drunk too much at the next party? Well, well, so innocently and you can sleep ... And then pretend that nothing happened ...».

\- “Thank you for making me eat this,” Clarke said sincerely. - "I'm much better."

\- "It's my pleasure. Cos was always saved by this when she drunk to much,” Lexa answered automatically, before biting her tongue.

\- “I see you have a lot of experience,” Clarke grinned. - "I was not very disgusting yesterday?"

\- "What are you talking about?" Lexa was amazed.

\- "Well, sober people sometimes find it funny to watch drunk people. And sometimes it's disgusting. So I ask: was it funny or disgusting?"

\- “Neither one nor the other,” Lexa answered calmly.

\- “Okay,” Clarke said. - "And Eeyore slept with me ..."

\- “Traitor,” Hart smiled. - "Sold out for sweets."

\- "It's just hard for him to climb to the second floor. By the way, when are you going to quartz the house?"

\- "What to do?" Lexa asked, puzzled.

\- "Quartz," Clarke repeated. - "Everything here must be washed with a special solution, and then turn on quartz lamps for a day to get rid of the virus. He's incredibly resilient."

\- "And without it in any way?"

\- "No way. If this is not done, Eeyore can become infected again. Or suddenly you decide to get another cat ..."

\- "Why do I need another cat?" Lexa was dumbfounded. - "Eeyore is enough for me."

\- “That's what I said, just in case,” Clarke waved her hand. - "So when? Maybe next weekend? We'll just have time to bring the lamps from the shelter, they'll lend me."

\- “Um,” Lexa thoughtfully bit her lower lip. -" As far as I understand, being under the influence of these lamps is not very beneficial for living organisms. Where are you order me with Eeyore going?"

\- “You’ll be staying in my place at this time,” Clarke said as if it was decided.

\- "What? Lexa asked. - "No, it's inconvenient."

\- "Why?" Clarke was surprised. - "So, it’s convenient for me to live with you for five days, but you can't over for a day?"

\- "It's different. You don't live alone, but with Finn."

\- "What, Finn?" the blonde was even more surprised.

\- “Nothing really,” Lexa muttered, realizing with dismay that she had a strong dislike for Finn Collins. Just because he exists.


	8. At the space station

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

On the day appointed for disinfection, Lexa was supposed to catch Eeyore by the arrival of the blonde and, pushing him into a carrier, isolate him from society in the garage. At least, this was the original plan, which suffered a complete fiasco when it turned out that the little cat was not at all eager to be caught and, even more so, isolated he ran from sweaty Lexa all over the house, and only a thoroughly skilled person could catch him, in such cases Clarke. As soon as the carrier door slammed behind the newly made prisoner, Lexa sank exhausted into a chair in the kitchen and muttered in shock:

\- "And we still have to wash everything with this stinking solution ..."

\- “Nothing, we’ll do it quickly now,” Clarke reassured her and briskly set to work, gradually infecting the already tired Lexa with her enthusiasm.  
Having finished wet cleaning by two o'clock in the afternoon, they lightly ate some fruit, set up and switched on quartz lamps in the rooms and, taking the Eeyore offended by the whole world, moved to New York, of course, collecting all possible traffic jams along the way. Determined not to bother about this, Lexa calmly drove the car, occasionally throwing a careful glance at Clarke, who was looking out the window and smiling faintly at her thoughts.

\- "What are you thinking about?" asked Lexa, once again standing firmly at the intersection clogged with cars.

\- “Nothing special,” the blonde waved her hand vaguely. - "Thoughts come and go ... like those clouds in the sky ..."

\- "Why are you smiling then?"

\- "It's just ... It's just that I'm happy with you," Clarke said frankly, while Lexa chuckled in embarrassment and, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter, stared straight ahead, the blonde sometimes confused her with her sincerity and spontaneity, although usually, like all people, she wore a wide variety of masks, opening, apparently, in rare moments of absolute trust.

\- “And I'm warm with you,” Lexa suddenly admitted, even to herself, and Clarke answered her with a wide, happy smile.

In the spacious loft of the Collins family, Lexa felt uncomfortable from the very first minutes of her stay, this is probably how a person who finds himself without a spacesuit on board a space station feels, is hovering in the very epicenter of a meteor shower. Firstly, she was afraid to do something wrong, to disturb this sterile cleanliness of the operating room, thereby provoking some kind of attack in the landlady, perhaps even worse than the one thanks to which they suddenly became so close.  
And secondly, could not get rid of the feeling that Finn Collins, a short, short haired man who was already beginning to go bald in his shoulders and hips, was not too happy about the appearance of an uninvited guest in his house and was not even particularly trying hide it.

«Or maybe it just seems to me?» thought Lexa, sitting decorously on the sofa in the living room and carefully studying the large wedding photograph of the Collins couple hanging on the wall, on it Finn was young, thin and wild-haired - and nothing in him foreshadowed the appearance of that hardened and impudent man he became now ...

«Maybe it’s because I myself am unpleasant about his company, and I involuntarily mirror my attitude after all, it’s much easier not to love someone who doesn’t love you… Damn, but once this happened to me…». And Lexa, unexpectedly brightly, down to the smallest detail, remembered how she was sitting in the same way in Costia's apartment, and Monty, good-natured, like a St. Bernard, smiling affably, stretched out his big sinewy hand to her ... He then stopped by in the middle of the day for some documents and did not catch them in bed - fortunately, Cos closed the door to the «night watchman», and they had a few minutes to pull on their clothes in a hurry.

Now, after so many years, it even looked funny, just the same sitcom with disgusting cardboard characters: the branchy-horned, unsuspecting Monty; nervously fussing Costia; and she herself, primly sitting in an armchair and leafing through some idiotic fashion magazine ... But Monty turned out to be quite a decent man in the end: in the end, they even almost became friends well or at least, imbued each other with genuine sympathy, Cos was always not a gift and they both felt it the hard way. And the fact that now, during the divorce, he behaved like the last goat, so Costia herself is to blame, how long can you mock a good person ...  
Shaking her head, Lexa tried to drive away this unnecessary, so inopportunely visited her memory and focused on what was happening at the moment.

\- “So Lexa, how did you meet my wife?" asked Finn, sitting down next to Lexa on the sofa and possessively pulling Clarke passing by, Clarke could not stay on her feet and almost fell on the pillows. The couch immediately felt cramped and Lexa felt like a third excess.

\- “We met at a charity event,” Clarke said quickly, casting a warning glance at Lexa. - "I told you, remember?"

Lexa raised an eyebrow in bewilderment but said nothing. «However,» she thought puzzled. «Finn, it turns out, doesn't know that his wife is visiting a psychologist ... Is everything really that bad in a relationship, and he doesn't notice how tearing to pieces some experience of the closest person? Or does she herself not want him to know something? In any case, «high relationship», will not say anything ...».

\- “I remember, I remember,” Finn said lazily and reached for a bottle of beer on the coffee table. - "So you, like Clarke are a little obsessed with all this verbiage about help, mutual assistance and mercy?"

\- “No,” Lexa frowned and looked sternly at the blonde. - "I accidentally to be there."

\- "Nevermind. Anyway, I'm glad my girl finally has a friend. She buzzed all my ears about you."

\- "Really?" Lexa couldn't find what to say, throwing another glance at Clarke, who was blushing with embarrassment.

\- “Yeah,” Finn said nonchalantly and stuffed a large handful of chips into his mouth, sprinkling potato crumbs all over the shirt. Clarke collected the crumbs in her hand with a polished movement and straightened up tensely, apparently barely holding back from rushing to the trash bin. - “You come across as a serious and solid person, Lexa. Maybe thanks to you, Clarke will become more ... uh-uh ... down to earth or something. Or how is it ... practical? And she always hovers in the clouds."

\- “I'm not going to remake your wife, Finn,” Lexa said dryly and for some reason, emphasizing the first word intonationally, added: - “She suits me the way she is."

\- "Yes, me, in general too," a little confused by such a statement of the question Finn. - "I just meant that sometimes you have to go down from heaven to earth and live a real life and not dream of air pretzels ..."

\- “Everyone understands you, Finn,” Clarke said nervously, clenching her fist of crumbs even tighter.

\- “As far as I understand, dreaming about air pretzels is part of Clarke's profession,” Lexa said casually. - “Without this… um… peculiarity, she would hardly have been able to write such wonderful books."

\- "Well, yes ... Well, yes ..." muttered Finn, for some reason looking away. - "What are you doing, Lexa?"

\- “I’m a psychologist,” Lexa replied, carefully observing Collins’s reaction: he collapsed even more imposingly on the seat, spreading his knees wide apart, forcing his wife to press into the side of the sofa and dismissively protruded his lower lip. Seeing this, Lexa chuckled.

\- "And how it turns out?" he asked. - "Well, I mean, they themselves come to you, these fools and they tell everything and you know yourself, sit with a smart look and assent."

\- “Oh yeah,” Lexa nodded. - "And then still need to calculate the money."

\- “Okay,” Clarke said, noticing that Lexa was squinting badly and was clearly not going to let Finn loose his tactlessness in the further conversation. - “I think it’s time for us to think about dinner."

\- "Maybe we can order pizza?" Collins suggested.

\- “Lexa doesn't eat pizza,” Clarke said, grimacing. - "We'd better now quickly cook something in four hands. Right, Lexa?"

\- “Okay,” Lexa said and got up from the couch, relishing the opportunity to interrupt this painful communication with Finn.

The blonde also jumped up and, grabbing Lexa's hand, pulled her into the kitchen. There, first of all, she shook the crumbs from her palm into the trash bin and then washed her hands for a long time. Lexa sat down at the table and waited patiently.

\- "Sorry about Finn," Clarke said finally, drying her hands with a towel. - “He can be terribly rude."

\- “It's okay,” Lexa said. - "Is that why you didn't tell him you were visiting a psychologist?"

\- "And this too," the blonde nodded. - "But, to be honest, lately we hardly talk at all, only on everyday topics. What you just watched with these hugs on the couch is just a play by one actor called «Finn Collins, a loving husband and an exemplary family man.» You got the seats on the stalls."

\- “Wow, I'm flattered,” Lexa muttered.

\- "Okay, don't pay attention," Clarke bitterly twitched the corner of her mouth but immediately pulled herself together and smiled. - "Tell me better with what feed you?"

\- "I don't care, the main thing is that without meat."

\- “Yeah,” the blonde mumbled, opening the refrigerator. - "How about spaghetti with tomatoes and basil? And I'll fry the steak for Finn."

\- "Let me make the sauce?"

\- “Nah, today it's my turn to amaze you with my culinary talents,” Clarke laughed. - "Sit back and be jealous of how cleverly I cook pasta."

\- “I’m sure you can handle this difficult task,” Lexa took out of her jeans pocket the phone that had been switched off since yesterday and thoughtfully twisted it in her hands, solving a truly Hamlet question: to turn it on or not to turn it on? Has Costia calmed down or not? And if not, then where to retire to finish the showdown begun the day before? For some reason I didn't want to do this in the presence of the blonde.

To be honest, Lexa herself did not understand what happened last evening: she and Cos, as usual, chatted peacefully before going to bed, until Lexa mentioned that Clarke would be spending a day, because quartz lamps, dangerous to health, would be working in the house. In general, she mentioned this before, when she told her ex about a trip to a cat shelter for these same lamps, but then Costia either did not understand, or even ignored this fact.  
Now she reacted, in Lexa's opinion, too emotionally: at first she scolded her like a girl, for her unethical and incomprehensible to her personally, Costia, «friendship» with a client, and then, not hesitating in expressions, she made a stormy scene of jealousy yes, such, that Lexa could not stand it, hung up, and then completely switched the device to flight mode, having previously written to Clarke that she was waiting for her in the morning, as agreed.  
Sighing, Lexa turned on her mobile and he immediately began to shudder in convulsions from the incessant messages. After scrolling through the SMS about the calls missed due to lack of communication, Lexa switched to the communication thread with Costia and shook her head, the former either won an unlimited SMS package in the lottery, or decided to use all her savings on this business ... After reading a few scathing messages sent yet last night and late at night, Lexa decided not to spoil herself and decidedly locked the phone.

A few minutes later, the device came to life again, issuing one after another several fresh SMS, the content of which Lexa could have predicted to the last character, without even opening it: there was both a nervous 

«Cos: "Lex, are you all right?"», And the traditional   
«Cos: "Sorry for yesterday"»   
And a very pathetic   
«Cos: "Please don't be silent."»  
«Lexa: "I'm fine,” Lexa wrote.»  
«Cos: "You can call?" the answer immediately followed.»  
«Lexa: "No, I'm not comfortable talking."»  
«Cos: "Call then yourself when you can, okay?"»  
«Lexa: "Okay".»

\- "Who is it that haunts you?" Clarke asked. - "Costia?"

\- “She's the one,” Lexa said. - "Yesterday we quarreled a little, today we make up. As usual."

\- "So strange..."

\- "What exactly?"

\- "The fact that you parted so badly and continue to communicate," said the blonde thoughtfully. - “I think if Finn and I break up, I won't want to see him ... never."

\- "You just think it," Lexa grinned. - "Ten years of marriage is not so easy to throw out the window ... You are not strangers to each other."

\- “Sometimes I feel like strangers…” Clarke muttered, chopping the tomatoes into small pieces. - "And sometimes that I have no one dearer than him in the whole world."

\- "You see..."

\- "My father is alive," Clarke said suddenly. - “And I could even find him ... if I wanted to."

\- "But you don't want?.."

\- "No ... Not yet," the blonde jerked her head and switched the subject. - "So, you consider Costia a dear person?"

\- “Of course,” Lexa nodded. - "There was so much between us that we can never become each other."

\- "Hm ... What if you have a girlfriend? Do you think she will be pleased with the presence of such a «dear» ex in your life?"

\- "Well, she too will not fall from the moon into my strong embrace," Lexa reasonably noted. - “She will also have a past of her own, which I have to accept. And in general, I don't think that Cos will want to continue to communicate if I have someone this is beneath her dignity."

\- “The past should be in the past,” Clarke said flatly. - "That's why you don't have anyone because you just can't let go of your beloved Costia."

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said sternly, after waiting for the hum of the blender to grind the tomatoes for the sauce. - "You are so interested in my personal life that I begin to suspect you of all sorts of bad things."

\- "For example, in which ones?" the blonde was dumbfounded.

\- "For example, in pimping ... Admit it, you have a wonderful single lesbian friend in mind, and you decided to set me up with her?"

\- "What? No! Fu, of course no."

\- "Why «fu» right away?" Lexa was genuinely amused. - "What if it's fate? Please, Clarke, don't separate us without even introducing us ... Be our Cupid."

\- "Oh, screw you! .." the blonde snorted without malice.

\- "Well, no ... I will not go there of my own free will," said Lexa, emphasizing the word «there» in her voice.

Clarke froze for a moment, comprehending a vulgar joke, then blushed and, twitching awkwardly, turned the bowl of chopped tomatoes right onto her shirt, splattering the countertop and a small area of the floor. Lexa stopped breathing and the blonde numb nervously ran her gaze over the stains on clothes and bloody splashes on the furniture as if she could not decide which was more important: her own appearance or the cleanliness of her home ...

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said softly and, walking up gently touched the blonde’s shoulder to get her out of her stupor. - “Clarke, go change your clothes and I'll clean everything up for now."  
Clarke nodded and ran out of the kitchen. Lexa shook her head, removed the traces of the disaster and opened the refrigerator. While the blonde showered and changed she quickly figured out a new spaghetti gravy from the available vegetables and tomato paste and grimacing tossed a piece of steak for Finn into the hot skillet. The heavy smell of fried flesh immediately spread through the kitchen and Lexa, turning on the hood to the maximum mode, with the air of a great martyr, began to plan vegetables for the salad.

\- "You haven't eaten meat for a long time?" Clarke asked when she returned, turning pink after a shower, dressed in clean clothes, smelling sweetly of freshness and cinnamon.

\- “More than ten years,” Lexa replied, watching the blonde run over the kitchen work surfaces with a rag, wiping away visible dirt with her alone.

\- "And why?"

\- “For many reasons,” Lexa said evasively, not wanting to go into the details of her philosophy of life, which she knew would almost certainly not be understood.

\- "Well, for example?" Clarke kept up.

\- “Okay,” Lexa sighed. - "Firstly, because meat is not good food. This is a slaughterhouse, Clarke... In other words, the flesh of an animal that died in fear and anguish, having managed to realize and fix its suffering on the energy level ... And people then devour this suffering, without even thinking about the severe karmic consequences of such actions."

\- "But they seem to be humanely killed ..."

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said wearily. - "Do you hear yourself? How can murder be humane? It even sounds strange. Not to mention the form in which this «humanity» exists in slaughterhouses ... And, by the way, the life of animals doomed to slaughter is no less painful than death: they are kept in close corrals so that fat grows faster, they are injected with steroids and antibiotics, they are fed the remains of congeners ... Probably, this can also be called some loud word to justify himself to himself?" Lexa inhaled with difficulty and imperceptibly folded the fingers of her left hand into the mudra of knowledge. There was no need to start this meaningless conversation.

\- "No ... If everything is as you say, then there is no excuse."

\- "Believe me, in fact, everything is much worse."

\- "And what is the second?"

\- “And secondly…” Lexa drawled thoughtfully. - "Secondly, I do not like it when they hold me for a fool and manipulate my mind. Did you see what is painted on the pack of sausages in your fridge?"

\- "N-n-o-o," the blonde said uncertainly and immediately reached into the refrigerator to examine the subject of the conversation.

\- "Look, there is a cartoon cow, smiling with all thirty-three teeth and holding a bunch of field daisies in her ... um ... hooves. She, happy, gallops across the green meadow - tra-la-la and tru-la-la ... She is glad, idiot, that they will kill her and chop her into cutlets ..." Lexa grinned. - "Itself, I suppose, would jump into a meat grinder, if I could ... How do you think is this a true picture?"

\- “Not really,” Clarke replied, looking closely at the color image. - "But this is advertising."

\- "Advertising is when you are told about the advantages of a product and are silent about its disadvantages. And such leafy pictures are nothing more than a substitution of concepts and pure water manipulation of the consciousness of people who are not used to thinking about anything," Lexa waved her hand in frustration in the direction of the frying pan. - "Okay, turn this piece of carrion and let's close the topic. In the end, all around are big boys and girls and themselves must understand what's what. Although it is said about them: they do not know what they are doing ..."

\- “I’ll think about what you said,” Clarke said gravely, putting the package of sausages back into the refrigerator. - "And we will come back to this conversation."

\- "Oh, let's better not ... Otherwise, I'll start to get angry and lose my temper."

\- “It's hard for me to imagine you angry,” the blonde admitted. - "You are always so calm ..."

\- “Two pills of diazepam in the morning, and you can do that too,” Lexa winked, and Clarke laughed fervently in return.

\- "So, girls, are we going to eat today or not?" asked, appearing in the kitchen, Finn. Embracing Clarke, who immediately fell silent, he kissed her on the top of her head and said: - "Baby, I'm so hungry that I'm ready to eat you ..."

\- "Stop it, Finn." Clarke jerked her shoulder free from the embrace. - "Everything is already ready, go choose a movie," and making sure that her husband left, she said quietly to Lexa: - "He always eats under the TV ... Will you be patient?"

\- "Where can I go?" Alexandria shrugged. - "Although ... if he prefers snotty romantic comedies, then I probably better self-close in a cage to Eeyore."

\- "No," Clarke smiled weakly. - "We are waiting for the next confrontation between good and bad guys with shooting and fights ..."

\- "My favourite genre…"

The film that Finn eventually chose turned out to be an uncomplicated action movie, in which «not ours» first soaked «ours» with rapture, and then they themselves got the most out of the protagonist, exhausted by alcohol addiction, but nevertheless released for the sake of such a case from a binge. Lexa, foolish from the loud sounds of gunfire and the stream of swearing pouring from the screen, was poking at spaghetti without appetite, from time to time casting a thoughtful glance at Collins, he quickly finished his steak and washed it down with another batch of beer. Clarke sat with her eyes down on the plate, seemingly oblivious to anything, but when Finn finished the bottle and reached for the extra, she put her hand on his knee and said firmly:

\- "Enough."

\- "Well, one more ..." Finn jokingly finished. - "Pl-ea-se..."

\- “No,” Clarke said. - "You already… relaxed."

\- “I think I'll go and see Eeyore,” Lexa said, getting up from the couch and putting down her plate of half-eaten food. - "He's probably sad to find himself in a cage after my open spaces."

\- “Nothing, tomorrow we’ll release him back into the pampas,” Clarke replied, also getting up and collecting dirty dishes in a pile. - "I'll join you now, just clean up here."

\- "Can I help you?" Lexa asked.

\- "No I myself."

Lexa nodded and went into the study, where the red-striped prisoner languished in captivity. Sinking to the floor right next to the cage, Lexa pulled out the sleepy and therefore dangling Eeyore and put him on her lap. The cat, having settled down more comfortably, lazily purred, allowing the mistress to iron her small, but surprisingly muscular body and there was something so meditative and soothing in this process that Lexa felt the tension that had been accumulating in her all day disappearing through her fingers into the kitten's fur and dissolves into its cozy purr.

When Clarke appeared in the office, Lexa felt as if she had spent a week in a Tibetan monastery, practicing silence and hours of vipassana. The blonde, instantly imbued with peace and tranquility emanating from Lexa, quietly approached and sitting down beside her, also began stroking and scratching Eeyore, occasionally touching her friend's cool hand with her hot palm.

\- “It's awful to know that if it wasn't for Finn, we would have had a great evening ...” Clarke said almost in a whisper, and ran her finger along the inside of Lexa's wrist, tracing a slightly puffy blue wreath.

\- "Don't say nonsense ..." shuddering from such an intimate touch, she answered.

\- “It's true,” the blonde sighed and removed her hand. - "This is how we spend our joint evenings, watching TV and eating pizza. All my offers to go somewhere are perceived with hostility and if I go alone, then after all there will be an ugly scandal ... Do you know how happy I am when he leaves for competitions or training camps? As if there is more air, and you can go to an exhibition or a theater ... I have always thought that marriage is, first of all, common interests, closely paved paths that do not diverge with time, but on the contrary merge into one single wide road ... And here ..."

\- "Exhibitions, theater ... This is not the main thing, Clarke ..." Lexa said hypocritically what she had to say.

\- "And what is the main thing then?"

\- "The thing that got you married for almost ten years,” Lexa replied automatically. She said these words to her clients dozens, if not hundreds, of times but now they sounded insincere and completely out of place, because in this particular case, Lexa did not at all want to cement the crumbling bricks of other people's relations with fresh cement mortar of psychoanalysis.

\- "Ha," Clarke chuckled nervously. - "Do you know why we held out for so long?"

\- "Why?"

\- "Because in the first five or six years I completely forgot about myself, completely dissolved in him, Finn that, Finn this ... Finn needs to build a career he is a man ... Finn needs to be supported he is my husband ... Finn behaves like an asshole nothing happened, he's just tired at work ..." Clarke gasped and clenched her hands into fists. - "And when I suddenly woke up from an obsession, I realized that in my striving to be an ideal wife I almost disappeared from this world and lost everything that was dear to me ... Because my friends of course, are idiots, and let them not dare to come to our house ; my best friend of course, is a bitch, and so that her feet are not even on the doorstep; are you writing a novel? but who needs your stupid «scribbles»..."

\- "He said so «scribbles?»..." 

\- "Yes ... When my first book came out, he talked to me through clenched teeth for a month, he still could not believe that these «scribbles» were good for something."

«What a goat,» Lexa thought evil and completely unprofessional. «He trains some kind of sniffy university team and, of course, cannot put up with the talent of his wife, whom he considered a brainless chicken all his life ... She probably earns more ... No, what an asshole ...» 

Over the years of practice, Lexa saw this more than once: they often came these women, humiliated by their men and these men, muffled by their women ... And almost always she managed to force clients to look at the situation from the outside, to bring them to some independent conclusions: someone suddenly realized that he felt comfortable in the position of a victim; someone understood that, while bullying and morally destroying the closest person, he involuntarily repeats the fate of one of the parents, whom he once hated with all the forces of his child's soul; and someone stopped shifting responsibility and admitted that two people always participate in a relationship and therefore, it is fair to share the guilt into two ...

Yes, what to do in such cases, Lexa knew perfectly well but now, being inside the situation, unable to objectively assess what was happening with the client, she simply looked at the drooping Clarke and was helplessly silent, deafened by a wave of nagging tenderness for this little girl with whom it is not clear what is happening.  
And then Lexa did what she could: carefully putting the sleeping Eeyore back in the cage, she hugged the blonde and blonde quietly and bitterly burst into tears on her shoulder.

*****

The next morning jumping into utter early hours, barely washing her face and not really having breakfast, Lexa was packing up home, she wanted to leave this strange, sterile-faceless apartment as soon as possible, come to her native walls, turn off the damn lamps and, falling into bed under a warm blanket, sleep calm sleep without dreams. The events in recent days turned out to be too significant, the emotions were too strong, too many of them were spent, so much that Lexa felt like a pea pod gutted on a whistle and she needed to be in silence and loneliness in order to restore at least a little the almost dried up inner resource.

\- “I'm with you,” Clarke said, noticing her guest's feverish gathering.

\- "What for?" Lexa was surprised.

\- "Firstly, I don’t want to sit at home on Sunday, and secondly, someone has to save you and Eeyore from a painful death."

\- "In terms of?" Lexa was dumbfounded.

\- “Straight,” the blonde replied. - "You won't even remember that after quartzing, you need to ventilate the rooms from ozone."

\- “I remember,” Lexa muttered. - "Do you think I can’t cope alone?"

\- "Can I just go with you?" Clarke asked quietly, and Lexa had no choice but to nod gloomily in agreement.

The suburban highway was surprisingly empty this Sunday morning, and they quickly made it to their destination. Leaving Lexa with Eeyore on outside, Clarke rushed through the house like a hurricane, turning off the lamps and throwing the windows and doors wide open. Lexa, meanwhile, spread a blanket in a secluded corner of the garden and, collapsing on it, almost immediately fell asleep in a deadly sleep ...

Waking up a couple of hours later, she found that the sun was already quite high, that she was deadly thirsty, and that a blonde was snoring peacefully nearby, and Eeyore was sitting sadly a few meters away from her, entangled in a long nylon harness. Having unraveled the little cat, which immediately began to get entangled again with enthusiasm, Lexa went to the house for water and fruit and again stretched out on a blanket next to Clarke, deciding to take another nap. When the sun reached its zenith and began to noticeably hot, they both barely opened their eyes and moved into the shade under the trees, where they lay half asleep for a long time, enjoying a fine day so rare for this rainy summer, from time to time replenishing food supplies and throwing around lazy, nothing meaningless phrases.

\- "I must go," said the blonde with regret, getting up from the blanket. - "Finn's friends should come in the evening, I will pretend to be an exemplary wife and hospitable hostess."

\- "Call you a taxi?"

\- "No, better take me to the nearest station, otherwise I won't get home with these traffic jams until morning."

\- "Okay, let's go," Lexa also got up and folded the blanket. - "It seems we have time for six o'clock."

After escorting Clarke to the commuter express, Lexa returned home and took up the housekeeping. However, it didn't last long and when, after an hour and a half, the blonde sent a message that she had made it safely and was already getting used to the role, Lexa was lying on the couch and reading an interesting article in a specialized magazine.

Having finished reading in the first hour of the night, Lexa caught herself and decided to call Costia, about whose promised call she had completely forgotten yesterday.

\- “Hi,” Lexa said cheerfully into the phone.

\- “Hi,” Cos replied quietly.

\- “Hey,” Lexa said alarmed. - "What's with the voice? Something happened?"

\- "No," Costia hesitated a little. - "Why didn't you call yesterday? Forgot?"

\- “Sorry, it's just that someone was always there,” Lexa lied.

\- "I see ... How is your client doing?"

\- “You know, I decided not to advise her anymore,” Lexa said about the decision made yesterday. - "You're right, I have some kind of constant transfers."

\- "Good girl," the voice of the former cheered up a little. - "And how did she react to this?"

\- “I haven't told her yet."

\- "Well, nothing, will survive somehow. Wait, who do you want to give her to?"

\- “I want to direct her to Greg or Emily. Do you remember them? We crossed paths at a conference in San Francisco."

\- “I remember Greg,” Costia grinned. - "Because he flirt with you and you fool, did not even understand."

\- “I understand,” Hart said angrily. “I just didn't want to aggravate."

\- “You don’t understand anything,” Cos laughed. - “You don’t even know how to flirt and don’t understand when others do it to you. Mine «Fantik».

\- “I'll hang up now,” Lexa warned.

\- "Stop. It's almost a compliment ..."

\- “Exactly, I already forgot how gallant you can be…” Lexa muttered sarcastically, but was immediately distracted by hearing the characteristic beeps announcing the call on the second line. She took the phone from her ear and looked at the screen: Clarke was calling. For some reason, frightened by such a late call and hastily telling Costia to hang on, Lexa accepted the call and not hearing the blonde's voice, asked:

\- "Clarke? ..."

There was no answer. Lexa listened intently to the hum of a busy street the honking of cars, muffled music, blurry speech and tried to figure out if the blonde was really calling her or if she just put the unlocked phone in her pocket and he took the initiative and dialed the last number. Leaning toward the second option, Lexa was about to hang up when she heard a soft, choked sob.

\- "Clarke ...?" Lexa repeated uncertainly. - "Clarke, is that you? .. What happened? .."

\- "Lexa ..." Clarke whispered under her breath and sobbed again. - "Lexa, get me out of here ... Please ..."


	9. Didn't happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

Hearing such a quiet, such lifeless voice of Clarke on the phone, Lexa rushed around the house, trying to find the car keys, change clothes and extort from the obviously shocked blonde where she is.

\- “Clarke, where are you? ..” the brunette repeated patiently. - "You have to tell me where you are, do you hear? .. Come on, my dear, calm down ... I need to know where to go. Come on, tell me where are you?" Finally finding the keys, Lexa quickly pulled off her warm socks and put on comfortable sandals right on her bare feet.

\- “On… on the street…” Clarke answered, stammering a little. - "Somewhere near ... to the house ... I don't know where ... Before eyes ... floating ..."

\- "Are there people nearby?"

\- "Yes ... some guys and girls ... They are dancing ..."

\- "Do not get away from them, do you hear? .. I'm already come out."

\- "Don't ... Don't ..." Clarke's voice grew a little stronger. - “I… I’m going to catch a taxi… and I’ll come… I just… didn’t realize it right away…”

\- "Are you sure?"

\- "Yes…"

\- "Just don't hang up, do you hear? Tell me something ..." Lexa, unable to sit still, nevertheless ran out into the street and began to walk up and down the driveway. - "Are you already catching taxi?"

\- "Yes ... Here ... stopped ..." Clarke's voice suddenly changed again and became inhibited-mechanical, like a robot. - "Hello. I need to go to New Jersey. No, no need the police a doctor, either. It's okay. Lexa, tell him the address."

Lexa, having heard the unintelligible greeting of the taxi driver in the receiver, immediately asked:

\- "What with her?"

\- "The face is broken," replied a nasal male voice with a strong accent. - "And slows down, as if on drugs. Look, ma'am, I'll call the police now, I don't need these problems."

\- “Wait,” Lexa said. - "She's not on drugs, honestly. Someone hit her, and now she's in shock. Please bring her to me, I will pay twice."

\- "O'ke-ee ..." the taxi driver hesitantly handed after some thought. - "Tell the address."

Lexa quickly dictated her coordinates and asked to return the phone to Clarke. All the way, which, in the absence of traffic jams, did not take so much time, she bogged down the blonde, trying not to let her finally slip into the abyss of a state of shock, but the blonde reacted to all the words only with indistinct hums and sluggish interjections.  
Hearing the noise of an approaching car, Lexa grabbed her wallet and ran out to meet her. The yellow taxi pulled up at the gate, and a short, stocky man with dark skin, either Indian or Pakistani, got out of the car. Opening the back door, he nodded to Lexa who ran up.

\- "Take your girlfriend. She seems to be really ... not herself."

Lexa looked into the car and, seeing Clarke cringing on the seat, noisily exhaled the tension and horror of the last hour: now everything will be fine, now she will take care of her little girl ... Hart thrust a few bills of money into the taxi driver, held out her hand and touched shoulder blonde:

\- “Clarke… Come out, my darling. Have arrived."  
Clarke looked at Lexa with a sick, dull look and, with a slow nod, tried to get out of the car. As soon as the blonde's feet touched the ground, Lexa, who was closely watching the process, grabbed her under the arms and did not let her fall.

\- "Help bring her home," the brunette muttered with curiosity to the taxi driver watching them, for the first time in her life, regretting that she was not born a man and that she could not now take Clarke in her arms, hiding her in arms from all sorrows and sorrows, and from that terrible what happened to her today ...

The driver chuckled, but nevertheless approached them and, easily lifting the blonde, carried her into the house.

\- “Here, on the couch,” Lexa told him, pointing the way to the living room. - "And be careful ... Please."

\- “If I were you, I would nevertheless report the police,” the taxi driver said after putting Clarke down. - "Maybe she was not only hit ..."

\- "Everything will be fine, honey ..." muttered Lexa, with shaking hands, treating the wounds on blonde's lips with a special disinfectant solution. When she finished, she took Clarke's face in her hands and asked, - “Talk to me, do you hear ..."

The blonde jerked sharply from the touch and tried to lower her chin, but Lexa still managed to notice ugly purple abrasions on her neck, which the next day will turn blue and acquire distinct outlines of fingers.

\- "Is that Finn?" Lexa asked, colorless with rage, unscrewing the cap of the disinfectant bottle again.

\- "Yes ..." Clarke replied lifelessly and opened her eyes. Lexa tried to catch her eye, but the blonde was staring inward with concentration and sternness. - "It happened."

\- "Wait," Lexa said and, quickly going to the kitchen, brought from there a glass and a bottle of corn whiskey, which Costia never received. Pouring a decent portion, she brought the glass to Clarke's lips.   
\- “Here, drink."

Clarke obediently took a long gulp and hissed from from pain in shattered lips. Pressing her fingers to them, she indistinctly said:

\- "I need to change ... T-shirt covered in blood ..."

Nodding, Lexa ran upstairs and fetched a pile of clean clothes. After watching the blonde fight with the shirt collar in unsuccessful attempts to pull it off for a couple of minutes, Lexa resolutely took matters into her own hands and quickly changed clothes of the languidly resisting Clarke.

\- “Don't,” the blonde muttered as Lexa pulled off her jeans and began pulling on loose elasticated house pants. - "You shouldn't ..."

\- “Calm down,” Lexa said. - "What I did not see there ..."  
The blonde smiled faintly and, pulling Lexa by the hand, forced her to sit on the sofa, and then put her blond disheveled head on her friend's lap. Lexa gently stroked Clarke's soft hair and quietly asked:

\- "What happened? ..."

\- “His friends are come,” Clarke whispered. - "With their wives and girlfriends. And we all drank a little, it was very noisy and fun. Then they began to ask me about the book, asked me to sign the author's copies, joked that in twenty years they would sell at an auction for crazy money ... I saw that Finn didn't like it, but i decided not to pay attention, how long can... I drank a little more and completely I relaxed, began to tell the girls about the shelter, about the cats, how we save them, I used to spend days and nights there ... When I had strength ...

This is now, no ... They were all so keenly interested, asked if it was possible to come and how to help ... I myself am to blame: I did not notice how Finn got drank, usually I control it ..."

\- “It's not your fault,” Lexa said. - “Don't you dare even think so."

\- “It doesn't matter,” the blonde shook her head slightly. - "I have never seen him so drunk ... As soon as the door slammed behind the guys, he pounced on me, grabbed me by the shoulders, began to shake and yell so that I would not dare to dishonor him in front of his friends with my fucking shelters, so that I would keep my rotten mouth closed ..." Clarke sobbed dryly and, slipping her hand under Lexa's knees, pressed closer to her. - "And then he hit me on the lips ... with all his might ... and hurt my nose ... There was so much blood ..."

\- “My little one…” Lexa whispered pitifully, bending down and kissing her friend on the temple. - "I would kill him for you ..."

\- "And then ..." Clarke continued in a suddenly dead voice. - "Then I broke free and ran into the bathroom, locked myself there, and he ... he completely went berserk, began to pound and knock the door ... He pounced on me and began to choke ... The face is empty, the eyes are bloodshot ... and the teeth ... the teeth in such a grin ... like a wild animal. I've never been so scared, Lexa ... He probably would have strangled me ... if I hadn't hit him in the face with such a heavy glass jar with a scrub ... And while he was recovering, I ran out of the apartment ... Then you know ..." Clarke exhaled with relief, as if she got rid of the burdensome duty to remember the past horror.   
\- "Is there still a drink left?"

\- "Yes ... Here," Lexa poured whiskey into a glass and held it by the bottom so that the blonde would not pour the alcohol on herself. - "This will never happen again, do you hear? I will not let this happen again ..."

\- “I know,” Clarke muttered quickly and heavily drunk amid the stress, and yawned nervously, clicking her teeth.

\- “Let's go to the bedroom, my darling,” Lexa said. - “Otherwise, you’ll pass out on this uncomfortable sofa."

\- "Let's go ..." the blonde reluctantly let go of Lexa and, supported by her friend, got to her feet. - "Will you stay with me?"

\- "Of course I will ..."

*****

Lexa woke up much earlier than Clarke and lay for a long time, afraid to move and disturb blonde's wrong dream, at night the blonde woke up several times with a loud scream and calmed down only when Lexa tightly squeezed her in arms, gently stroking her back and whispering various tender words in her ear.  
Now the blonde slept, burying her nose in brunette's collarbone, as usual, opening her mouth and sniffing sweetly, while Lexa was fascinated by the visible part of her calm, relaxed face and at some moment, unable to resist, ran her thumb of right hand along light, gracefully curved eyebrow , along a well-defined jaw line, along small dry abrasions on the lower lip. Clarke, feeling the touch, opened her eyes and smiled.

\- "Good morning…"

\- “Good morning,” Lexa said. - "How do you feel?"

\- “I don’t get it yet,” Clarke whispered. - "But I definitely need a shower ..."

\- “Then run,” Lexa said, releasing the blonde from the ring of her hands and alarming Eeyore, who was sleeping at her feet and very unhappy with such disrespectful treatment. - "I'll give you a towel."

While Clarke was taking a shower, Lexa made the bed, went down to the kitchen and, after feeding the hungry kitten, thought about breakfast, she wanted to pamper the blonde, but, as luck would have it, in the refrigerator it was empty, and had to opt for custard oatmeal with dried fruits and honey ... However, even if she was confused on something more substantial, her efforts would be wasted:

Clarke, not at all refreshed after a shower, haggard, with a pale face and a noticeable blue under her eyes, sadly   
poking in plate, her blank, unseeing gaze at one point on the countertop. Lexa watched her with a heavy heart, wondering whether to break the silence and start some meaningless conversation. Finally, as if having thought of some important thought, Clarke looked up from the table and said:

\- "Lexa, can I stay with you until I find an apartment? Not long, three or four days, maximum - a week ..."

Lexa squatted down in front of her and, taking her palms in hers, quietly answered:

\- “Clarke, you can live here as long as it takes."

\- “Thanks,” the blonde nodded. - "Tomorrow I'll go to get my things - today I have no strength ..."

\- “Of course,” Lexa said. - "Today you will lie in bed, sleep and eat sweets, which I will cook especially for you."

\- "Don't have appetite," Clarke smiled uncertainly. - "And in general, some kind of weakness in the whole body ..."

\- “So get your body back to bed,” Lexa commanded. - "And now I will wash the dishes and come to put you to sleep."

\- "Okey…"

When Lexa, having finished her business, went up to the bedroom, Clarke was sitting on the bed, hunched over, her shoulders drooping powerlessly and her gaze again fixed on one point. Lexa silently dragged her to the bed and, hugging her, gently stroked her hair, shoulders and back until the blonde relaxed and fell asleep. From somewhere with an air of «nothing-without-me-you-can't-decide», having busily trampled Eeyore, he settled comfortably on blonde's head and did not react in any way to the quiet hiss of the hostess who was trying to drive him away.

In the end, sensibly judging that the cat knows better what part of the blonde needs his feline warmth, Lexa stopped hissing and, closing her eyes, plunged into a light doze, from which she was suddenly pulled out by a muffled knock at the door. Carefully, trying not to wake Clarke, Lexa slipped out of bed and went to the window. Seeing a large male figure at the front door, she sighed wearily and decided not to disturb her friend, who was asleep.   
«Today she clearly does not need it…» thought Lexa, going down the stairs.

\- "To what do I owe this honor?" Lexa asked gloomily, opening the door.

\- "I want to see my wife,” Finn said.

\- "What makes you think that she is here? How did you even know my address?" asked Lexa, peering with dislike at the unshaven face, swollen with a hangover, the left eye on which was swollen with a huge blue-purple hematoma, Clark's blow, apparently, was delivered well ...

\- “She and I have a geolocation service connected to each other,” Collins said. - “Her phone is here, which means she is too."

\- “Clarke doesn't want to see you,” Lexa said, crossing her arms over her chest.

\- “Damn, Lexa…” Finn drawled plaintively. - "Please talk to her. She's my wife. I love her ... And I am responsible for her, no matter what happens between us."

\- “I can't help it,” Lexa said dryly. - “You'd better leave. Or will you break into my house and strangle us all, including the cat?"

\- "No. Of course not," Finn looked away. - "Please tell her that I am sorry about what happened ... I'm very sorry. I myself do not understand how this could have happened ... Will you pass it to her?"

\- “Okay,” Lexa nodded. - "It's all?"

\- "Well no. Tell me also that I love her very much ..."

\- “Required,” Lexa nodded and, no longer holding back her sarcasm, added: - “Do you think she doubts it?"

\- "What the hell ..." Finn began and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. - "Why did she come to you at all?"

\- "Probably because there is no one else. You did a good job in this direction, you turned her friends away from her."

\- "It's none of your business! .." Collins raised his voice. - "This is our family, and we ourselves will figure out how to live, understand?"

\- “Surely,” Lexa said. - “You know, Finn, if you don’t leave my property in two minutes, I’ll call the police. Time has started." Lexa pointedly tapped her wrist with finger and slammed the door. The only thing she wanted now was to add symmetry to Mr. Collins' face, which was clearly asymmetrical after Clarke's blow ...

*****

During the time that Clarke was away from home, Finn managed to turn their sterile apartment into a natural pigsty: empty beer bottles and wine packaging, paper boxes with pizza leftovers were lying everywhere, and on all suitable surfaces there were glasses with unfinished drinks and plates of dried food, Collins, apparently, not only did not bother to clean up the traces of the fateful party, but after that he made a decent contribution to the reigning mess in the form of wrinkled and dirty clothes scattered everywhere.  
Clarke, seeing what her home had become, immediately rushed to clean up, and Lexa, looking at her pale, tense face and feverishly shining eyes, did not dare to argue and silently joined the cleaning. While the blonde was collecting garbage in large bags, Lexa wiped the copious traces of blood in the hallway and bathroom, and also dumped the scattered clothes in the dirty laundry basket. Clarke worked with a damp rag with clear, habitual movements, and after washing the floors and polishing the plumbing, Lexa, by that time, realizing that her actions only annoy the hostess of the house, withdrew and quietly sat on the sofa in the living room, tucking her legs under her and trying to occupy as much as possible less space.  
Having finished cleaning the apartment, Clarke rushed to the shower and splashed for a long time, apparently trying to calm down. The fact that she had failed, Lexa realized only when the blonde, nervously walking through the tidied apartment, returned to the bathroom and turned on the water. When Clarke was about to take a shower for the fourth time, Lexa almost forcibly pulled her out of the bathroom and, grabbing her hand, dragged into the living room. There, gently squeezing the palm of her friend, she firmly said:

\- “Clarke, that's enough. You are already clean enough, she would be happy of you."  
The blonde nodded uncertainly and whispered:

\- "Can I take another shower? .. Just in case."

\- “No,” Lexa said. - "We need to collect your things."

Clarke looked around the living room in confusion.

\- "What kind?.."

\- "Those that you will need for the first time. Casual clothes, underwear, makeup ... Clarke, do you know what I'm talking about?"

\- "Yes," the blonde nodded, and her gaze became more meaningful. - "It's all in the bedroom."

\- "And the bag?"

\- "Bag in the dressing room, on the top shelf."

Lexa took out a large sports bag and literally forced Clarke to start putting in it the things she needed for the first time. Being drawn into the process, the blonde calmed down a little and soon got so carried away that she stuffed not only a bag with things, but also another impressive-sized backpack. Lexa looked at her watch with concern, Finn was about to return, and she didn't want to meet him herself, much less to subject Clarke, who was clearly not ready to meet, to this test.

However, an unpleasant collision could not be avoided: the blonde was still digging in the bathroom, collecting hygiene items, when the lock quietly clicked and Finn appeared at the door of the apartment. Lexa jumped off the couch and ran out into the hallway to meet him.

\- "You-u-u?" Collins said in amazement. He looked much better today: refreshed, clean-shaven, and even with something to disguise his huge bruise. - "Where is Clarke?"

\- “Collects things,” Lexa replied.

\- "What? What for?"

Lexa shrugged. 

\- “Apparently going to leave you. I ask, let's without scenes, she is without this not sweet now."

\- "Do you think for me it's sweet?" Finn asked.

\- "I do not care."

\- “Tell her not to do this,” Collins asked, painfully grabbing Lexa's wrist with his paw.   
\- "She will listen to you."

\- "No, Finn. I will not interfere in your relationship."

\- "Bitch ..." Finn hissed through clenched teeth, squeezing his fingers even tighter. - “You think I don’t see the way you look at her? Do you think she will leave me and be with you?"

\- "Let me go! .." Lexa tried to pull her hand away, but Clarke's husband grabbed her with a stranglehold.

\- "Finn!" the blonde who appeared in the corridor said sharply. - "Don't touch her! .."

\- "Clarke..." Collins obediently released Lexa's hand. - "Clarke, please listen to me ... Don't go ... This will never happen again, I swear to you ... I love you baby ..."

\- "You love so that you almost strangled?" Clarke asked in a voice devoid of any emotion.

\- "I ... I don't know what came over me that evening ... I was drunk ... ugly drunk ... Forgive me, baby... I swear ..."

\- "You already swore," Clarke winced. - "Enough."

\- "Clarke..." Finn came close to her and gently took her hand. - "Let's go to a family psychologist, as you suggested? I agree. We really need help, we can't cope on our own ... And we may think about donator or adoption ..."

\- "What's the matter with you, Finn?" Clarke asked, narrowing her eyes. - "Hit the head?"

\- "I don't want to lose you ..." Finn grimaced. - "I can't lose you ... Let's not discuss our problems in the presence of this ..." Collins shook his head towards Lexa. - “I know she's turning you against me."

\- "You're an asshole, Finn Collins," Clarke said wearily, wrenching her hand out of her husband's. - “You don’t even need to set up against you. Lexa, wait for me in the car, okay?"  
Lexa hesitated, nodded and walked out the door, having cast a threatening look at Collins, which he, however, did not notice, because he did not take his eyes off his wife's frozen face. What happened there next, Lexa could no longer see ...

Going down to the car, Lexa nervously cut circles around car for ten minutes, trying to collect scattering thoughts in a heap, and then, convinced of the futility of these efforts, sat in the driver's seat and, burying her forehead on the steering wheel, tried not to think about anything. She will think about all this later but not here and not now.  
Clarke, loaded with things, appeared forty minutes later, when Lexa was about to go and find out if everything was all right with her. Lexa jumped out of the car like a bullet, took the heavy bag from her and threw it into the trunk. The blonde threw the backpack into the back seat.

\- “I'm sorry you had to be in this,” Clarke said dryly, getting into the car and jerking her seat belt convulsively in an attempt to buckle it.

\- "Clarke..." Lexa replied softly, turning the ignition key in the lock. - "It's me ... You no longer need to keep a perimeter defense."

\- “Yes, I'm sorry,” the blonde breathed after hesitating. - "let's go?"

Having barely crossed the threshold of the house, Clarke immediately threw off her backpack in the corridor and at the second cruising speed rushed straight into the bathroom to take a shower. Lexa brought a bag and put it next to her backpack, deciding that her friend would then decide for herself where it would be convenient for her to unpack.

Changing clothes for household, she went down to the kitchen and froze in front of the open refrigerator, remembering quite in time that she wanted to go to the supermarket for groceries, but, unsettled by the events of the day, she did not.

\- "What are you looking at there so closely?" asked the blonde, who had taken a shower and changed into her clean clothes, appearing in the kitchen.

\- "As a true Buddhist, emptiness ..." Lexa answered sadly. - "We forgot to buy food, and starvation awaits us ..."

\- "I don't want to eat," Clarke said. - "Let's lie down?"

\- “Soon you’ll want to,” Lexa tried to argue. - "We need to cook something."

\- “Don’t annoying …” the blonde muttered, dragging Lexa up the stairs.

In the bedroom, already lying in bed, she embraced Lexa in a businesslike way around the waist, slipped her knee between brunette's legs and, after a little fiddling, froze peacefully. Lexa, thinking only of Clarke's hip, which was where it shouldn't be, and pressed as tightly as it shouldn't at that point, hugged her tightly in response and sighed shortly from the arousal that rolled over her.

\- "Stroke me ... please ..." Clarke asked, rubbing her nose against Lexa's neck. - "I just can't calm down ..."

\- "One a second..." Lexa answered in a trembling voice and began stroking the blonde's back with smooth soft movements, paying special attention to the magical place that she had so unexpectedly discovered during the memorable «massage». Soon Clarke, opening her mouth, breathed deeply and unevenly, and Lexa, closing eyes, slid hand under the elastic of the blonde's home pants and almost weightlessly stroked the delicate skin of the buttocks and the back of the thigh. Meeting no resistance, Lexa grew bolder and whispered softly into the blond, sweet-smelling crown:

\- "My little one ... What a soft skin you have ... like velvet ... And your smell ... You're driving me crazy ..."

After these words, Lexa wanted to see Clarke's reaction, kiss her on the lips, look into her eyes, but the blonde stubbornly hid her face, burying her nose first in the neck, then in the shoulder, then in friend's collarbone. However, as if giving the green light to further actions, she pulled back a little, allowing Lexa's hand to move under the T-shirt to her stomach and further up to her chest. Intoxicated by the closeness, Lexa stroked and slightly squeezed the elastic roundness, slightly pinching the strained nipples, thereby causing Clarke, who was confusedly breathing into brunette's neck, to soft moans.

A few minutes later, unable to restrain herself any longer, Lexa pressed throbbing crotch even more tightly against the blonde's thigh and directed hand down to her much-desired bosom ... Finally, feeling hot, moist and silky under fingers, she moaned dully:

\- "My girl ..."

\- "Don't," Clarke pleaded, grabbing Lexa's hand. - "Please..."

\- "Why? .." Lexa gasped in despair, feeling that a little more, and she would be torn to pieces from unexpressed tenderness and unsatisfied desire. - "I want you ... And you want, I feel ..."

\- "No ... I can't ... I can't do this to Finn ... He's my husband ... Don't ..." Clarke put both hands forward and pushed her friend slightly away.

Lexa exhaled noisily and pulled hand back, abruptly pulled away. She was shaking with arousal and resentment.

\- "Then why the hell did you let me all this ?!" Lexa whispered furiously and jumped out of bed. - “Damn it, what games do you play, Clarke?!”"

\- "Not in any ..." the blonde answered in a trembling voice. - "I just felt good ... I didn't think ... I didn't think that everything would go so far ..."

\- "Next time, think ... And not only about yourself," said Lexa and, overcoming a strong pulling pain in the groin, went to the closet.

\- "Where are you going?" Clarke asked as she watched Lexa pull out clean sheets and a blanket.

\- “I’m lying on the sofa in the living room,” Lexa replied, already more calmly taking herself in hand. - "If you need a pillow, it's in the closet. You can figure it out yourself."

\- "It's uncomfortable to sleep there ..."

\- "I'll survive somehow."

\- "I don't want you to leave ..." Clarke said barely audibly.

\- "Indeed?" Lexa asked sarcastically. - "You know, I do not understand what you want and what you don’t want."

Lexa gazed into blue eyes, red with suppressed tears, but Clarke, flinching, looked away almost immediately. Lexa stood still for a while, expecting at least some words or actions, but she didn't wait for. Saying dryly «good night», she left the room, carefully closing the door behind her.  
Already lying on the couch and thinking about what had happened, Lexa heard Clarke get up and go to the shower, for the sixth time that day. A wave of pity, remorse and regret flooded her, and she could hardly restrain herself from going to the blonde, but stopped in time, reasoning that now they both had better be alone with themselves.

*****

The next morning, Lexa, as usual, getting up early at dawn, tried to pull herself together and spend these blissful hours after sunrise with the maximum benefit for the body: by performing a complex of stretching asanas and several pranayamas that purify the mind. However, the tense body, responding to an internal, not at all peaceful, state, refused to stretch and bend, and after several minutes of breathing exercises Lexa began to gasp, like an inveterate smoker who ran a kilometer cross.

Finally, realizing the futility of her efforts and fearing to do herself more harm than good, Lexa rolled up the rug and returned from the garden to the house. Sitting at the table in the kitchen, she patiently waited for Clarke to wake up, the incompleteness of yesterday insistently demanded permission, and only a constructive conversation with the blonde could help here.  
Clarke did not appear at the kitchen doorstep until eleven o'clock in the afternoon and, stopping hesitantly, looked at Lexa from the under forehead.

\- “Hello…” the blonde said barely audibly.

\- "Hi ..." Lexa replied, hurrying herself up from her seat. - "Make you some coffee?"

\- "Yes please…"

\- “Clarke,” Lexa interrupted the painful silence, placing a cup of invigorating drink in front of the blonde. - “We need to talk about what happened yesterday."

\- “I don’t want to talk about it…” Clarke whispered, bowing head.

\- “Okay,” Lexa nodded. - “You don’t want to talk about it fine. Then I'll say something ... Don't be scared, I won't talk about my feelings, you obviously don't need it, but still there is one technical point that I would like to clarify."

\- "Which one?" The blonde asked fearfully.

\- “After what happened yesterday… between us,” Alexandria hesitated, choosing her words. - “After all this, I can no longer be your advisor, Clarke. I'm sorry."

\- "Why?"

\- “Because it's unethical,” Lexa explained. - "The feelings that I have for you will interfere with the counseling process, and I will not be able to help you. I will not be able to be objective and impartial, I will not be able to see things as they are. This is unacceptable in our work. I have familiar specialists, I will refer you to them, and you can choose ..."

\- "You don't want to see me again?" Clarke interrupted her friend.

\- “I want to see you,” Lexa said firmly. - "And I want to continue to communicate. I just can't advise you anymore, you know?"

\- “I only understand one thing,” Clarke grimaced. - “You push me away because I denied you in sex."

\- "Clarke..."

\- "Everything is clear, you don't have to continue," the blonde got up from the table, abruptly pushing aside a cup of coffee, which she hadn't even touched.   
\- "I'll call Finn now, he will come and pick me up. I hope you can tolerate my presence for another couple of hours? Or should I wait outside?"

\- "Clarke, please ..."

\- “At least he needs me,” Clarke said, barely holding back tears.

\- "I need you too."

\- “Not true! ..” Clarke shouted. - "You just wanted to drag me into bed, and when it didn't work out, you decided to get rid of, so that there would be no problems! .." Clarke was obviously and uncontrollably bear. Lexa wanted to approach to her, hug her, calm her down, but the blonde put her hand forward.   
\- “Don't you dare touch me, do you hear? I'm leaving now. I'll call a taxi and leave. Please leave me alone."

Clarke called the car and sat down on the couch in the living room to wait in a tense posture, her back straight and arms crossed over chest, thin lips pursed adamantly.   
Lexa didn’t even bother to approach her, it was useless, and sat in the kitchen for the remaining time before the taxi arrived. When the front door slammed behind Clarke, Lexa leaned her elbows heavily on the table, put head in her hands and thought, dazed, «What the hell is going on in my life, huh? ..»


	10. Сat named BigEyed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

On the third day after such a rapid escape of the blonde, Lexa, exhausted by anxiety for her condition and desperate to wait for any news, she decided to call herself, in the faint hope that Clarke would find the courage to talk about what had happened, thereby allowing this painful situation to be resolved. Well, or at least pretend that nothing happened, giving Lexa an exclusive opportunity to analyze what happened unilaterally, she needed at least some semblance of feedback, anything but this destructive silence, which every day only aggravates their uncertainty fragile relationships.

Nervously walking around the house and listening to long mournful beeps in the receiver, Lexa scrolled through the possible conversation options in her head, but none of them were destined to come true: the first call went unanswered, and Clarke immediately dropped the second, after which she put Lexa's number in black list, this was evidenced by the characteristic short beeping that sounded in the receiver at the next attempt to get through. With a sad chuckle, Lexa turned on her laptop and, logging into Facebook, sent the blonde a short message with the contacts of her colleagues, so that she would have someone to turn to when she realizes that she still needs help.

After a little thought and overcoming internal resistance, Lexa added to the already sent scan of the business card of a family psychologist friend, after which she resolutely left the profile, giving herself an instruction not to meddle there until tomorrow. And, of course, she came every ten to fifteen minutes, until she was convinced that the messages were read, and she was safely excluded from the list of «friends».  
«That's it,» Lexa thought wearily, staring blankly at Clarke's avatar, the one that had so impressed Costia in her time. «As they say, you are no longer «you» to me ... And what did I actually want? .. A wedding and die on one day? .. Ha, it's funny. How beautiful she is here ... Shines like the sun ... » Lexa sighed sadly and hung for a long time, fixing an unseeing gaze at one point on the screen. During these three days, she changed her mind and missed so many things that now she felt like a low-power, hovering in an endless loop, a computer looking for an answer to «the main question of life, the universe and all that.»

In order to somehow deduce her own number «42» * and thereby calm down a little, Lexa, shaking off her numbness, got up and, grabbing a rug, went out into her neglected garden. There, like the Enlightened One, she sat down under the first tree that came across in a pose for meditation, but instead of listening to the physical body, gradually detach from the games of the mind and consciousness, on the contrary, she plunged into sad thoughts, deciding this time to reach the end in her conclusions. ... Whatever it cost her. Two hours later Lexa opened her sick, dull eyes, got to her feet and wearily, barely moving her numb legs, dragged herself into the shower.

«How could I be so cruelly wrong?» she thought, substituting her face under the elastic jets of water and washing off one after another those numerous masks that she had been forced to wear all the last days. «How could the tactile hunger of this little, unhappy, deprived of maternal affection, girl accept for the manifestation of sexual interest, which, of course, did not smell there? Or did it smell? .. After all, I felt something from her? .. Or maybe I took wishful for a valid? Played and, as a result, fell victim to your own illusions? But what does Clarke have to do with it then? Why should she be a tool for solving my problems? .. Gods, how confused I am ... and how I miss her ... I don’t need any sex from her ... let her sit in the kitchen, grinding nonsense and eating sweets prepared for her ... And just fell asleep next to me, quietly snuffle in my ear ... Damn, Lexa, don't you dare, don't you dare, don't you dare! .. Don't you dare even think about it ... »  
Lexa, exhausted, leaned her forehead against the misted wall of the shower stall and swallowed with difficulty the prickly lump in her throat. It was necessary to let go of the situation, cry out the tension that had accumulated over the past week, but there were no tears, just as there were no more strength or emotions - everything burned out the icy cold, from which hot water could no longer save.

Finally, pulling herself out of the shower forcibly and wandering aimlessly through the rooms, Lexa lit the fireplace and settled in the living room on the floor. Thoughts immediately swirled around the evening that they spent here together with Clarke, laughing and chatting, giving each other joy and warmth, completely failing to see the future that is about to come and turn around for Lexa in such empty lonely evenings. Clarke is now, for sure, with her husband: after serious quarrels, powerful kickbacks always follow, the guilty partner who received the «magic kick» becomes unusually gentle and caring, trying with all his might to make amends for his guilt, which the offended side, willingly or unwillingly, manipulates.

«So two or three months of Clarke's sweet romance are guaranteed,» Lexa thought disgustedly, imagining the blonde melting in her husband's arms. «Flowers, breakfasts in bed and long intimate conversations after sex about how to live on and what kind of masking tape to glue everything together ... Although no - we are not interested in sex, we are asexual ... And therefore we groan in someone else's bed from teenage petting, which, sort of, and for treason does not count ... That's enough. Let her live as she knows - I don't care.» Lexa crossed arms over chest and frowned, trying to stop the flow of introspection and accept this very convenient option called «I don't care about Clarke Collins and her problems» but, of course, she couldn’t: «Oh, Lexa, at least don’t deceive yourself: you care, you’re angry and jealous, and more recently, you just wanted Clarke to be here, no matter in what capacity, just here ... Damn, and when I just had time for her ... what? .. fall in love? .. No ... This can't be ... I just get bored with loneliness, to such an extent that I'm again ready to be content with a surrogate instead of a normal relationship. Well, no, fuck you all, I've had enough of this shit ... ».

And, trying to distract herself from destructive thoughts, running away from herself, not wanting to accept her own feelings, Lexa convulsively grabbed the phone and dialed Costia's number, with whom, to be honest, she acted a bit like a pig: at first she left hanging in standby mode God knows how long, and then completely dropped all calls, getting off with formal messages like: 'Don't worry, everything is fine.' Of course, Cos was offended, and now the first fifteen minutes of the conversation Lexa literally begged her for forgiveness for her 'unworthy' behavior, listening to all sorts of unpleasant theses both about herself and about her disregard for others, who, by the way, are also people ...

\- "How are you doing with the divorce?" Lexa asked timidly, when Cos, having drunk enough blood, nevertheless changed her anger to mercy and paused with satisfaction.

\- “Nothing,” the ex replied discreetly. - “You’re not interested in all this, why ask?"

\- “I’m interested,” Lexa said quietly and, unable to cope with herself, nevertheless burst into tears, dryly and bitterly, painfully pushing her lungs, pouring out of herself a fresh resentment against Clarke, and a long, dreary loneliness, and a cold bed, and just experienced the humiliation to which Cos had so thoughtlessly and cruelly subjected her.

\- "What? .." Costia was alarmed. - "Honey, what happened? .."

\- "No ... Nothing," Lexa sobbed. - "It just ... just accumulated ..."

\- "Oh ... Kitten, is it because of what I just said? Well, forgive me, i'm idiot ... You know, I don’t think so ... Don’t cry, do you hear? .." And Costia began to mutter affectionate incoherent words, comforting Lexa, which made Lexa cry even more and then for a long time could not calm down ...  
\- "Lex, honey, what happened?" The ex asked when Lexa pulled herself together and was able to stop those almost hysterical sobs. - "I know you, you cry once in a hundred years, and then, when you completely peak..."

\- “I don’t know,” Lexa sighed, devastated by this sudden outburst of despair. - "It just suddenly seemed that in my life there would never be any joy, no light, no warmth. Had laid, what is called."

\- "My poor ... Maybe you should drink something light?" Costia asked anxiously.

\- “Oh, stop it, Cos,” Lexa laughed tightly. - “I’ll just have my period soon, and that’s it."

\- "Yes?" Costia was surprised. - "Didn't happened before. Hey, period is exclusively my prerogative, do not encroach on sacred."

\- "Yeah ... You knew how to act on nerves," Lexa grinned. - “And poor Monty too."

\- “No, don’t remind me of this asshole, I’m just calmed down a little."

\- "What? Something happened?"

\- "It happened," Costia hesitated a little, as if hesitating whether to tell Lexa about her problems, but in the end she decided: - "My lawyers learned that at the next meeting this idiot is going to declare all over Chicago that I use drugs. Can you imagine? And Susan will hear it too ..."

\- "But how? He can't be so unfounded ..." Lexa was confused.

\- "Why unfounded? He found that guy, your neighbor, from whom we took weed a couple of times ... and those ... those pills when I wanted to try."

\- "Nash? Damn ... Why didn't you tell me right away?"

\- "I wanted to, but you were busy with something so important that you did not answer calls," Costia could not resist joking.

\- “Sorry,” Lexa muttered, remembering Clarke again, but this time it’s kind of detached, as if what happened between them happened millions and millions of years ago and became so insignificant and unimportant over the years.   
\- “You know what, I'll call Nash tomorrow. Maybe he will agree not to participate in all this shit ... When, you say, the next hearing?"

\- "A week later."

\- “There’s time,” Lexa said. - “I'm sure Monty offered him money. You just pay more and that's it, the problem is solved."

\- “If I have enough ... Lexa, I don’t print them."

\- "C'mon. Monty, as far as I remember, he also not a billionaire. Take from me, If anything."

\- “I’ll borrow,” Costia clarified, sighing with relief. - “You know, that would be perfect, I really don't want Susan to hear all this."

\- "Wait, Sue, is there at all the meetings?" Lexa asked.

\- "Yes, Monty insisted on this ... And the judge asked her if she wanted to ..."

\- "So she now knows about you and me?" specified Lexa.

\- “Yes,” Cos sighed.

\- "And ... And how did she react to this?" Lexa asked cautiously.

\- “Fine,” Costia grinned. - "She said that since I don't want to be with dad, then you are the best option. Because you're cool."

\- "Did she say so?"

\- "Yeah," the ex laughed. - “She doesn't know what a bore you really are."

\- "I'm not a bore! ..." Lexa was indignant. - "Why do you all call me that?"

\- "Tell me ..." Cos did not calm down. - "And I'm ashamed to ask: who is all this?"

\- “Never mind,” Lexa said.

\- “The all it's Clarke, isn't it?" Costia's voice went a little cold. - "Are you the best friends there now, or what?"

\- "No, Cos, don't talk nonsense. We haven't seen or heard for several days,'' Lexa lied, feeling that at the mention of the blonde's name, such a huge black hole again forms in her chest that, if you wish, you can shove this whole universe and a couple of parallel ones into it. - "After I told her that I can no longer be her consultant."

\- "And what, she reacted badly?"

\- “It never gets worse,” Lexa said, sighing heavily. - “I'm afraid she won't go to another psychologist."

\- "I hope you're not going to blame yourself for this?" asked Costia. - “Come on, Lex, I'm sure you did everything you could, and more."

\- “Okay,” Lexa mumbled, who didn’t smile at all about discussing her incomprehensible and probably irrevocable relationship with Clarke with her ex.

\- “That's good,” Cos yawned sweetly into the phone. - "Listen, I'll go to bed, okay? I didn't sleep half night because of this idiot named Monty ... You won't forget to call Nash tomorrow, will you?"

\- “I won't forget,” Lexa assured. - "Cos? ..."

\- "What, Lex?"

\- "When are you coming?..." Lexa whispered, feeling that now she would cry again. - "I can not go on……"

\- "Soon, my dear, I promise ..." answered Costia. - "Be patient a little longer, my dear ... And do you know what to think about?"

\- "About what?.."

\- "That when I arrive, the first thing I do is hug my little girl tightly ... And I won't let go for a day ... or two ..."

\- "Even two?" Lexa smiled involuntarily.

\- "Maybe three," said Costia and added sternly: - "What will my beloved girl do now?"

\- "Brush teeth and go to bed," obediently joined the game, yearning for affection and care Lexa.

\- "And? .."

\- "And will think only about good ..."

\- “My good girl,” Costia said, deliberately exaggerated.

\- “Fu, Cos,” Lexa laughed. - "Do not call me that. And anyway, you were going to sleep."

\- "Exactly," the ex caught herself. - "Good night?"

\- “Good night,” Lexa said, and added uncertainly, - “I… I love you."

\- "And I love you. Sleep well."

However, despite the wish, Lexa's sleep (and even more so, calm) did not work out that night: worrying and not understanding the reasons for this anxiety, she tossed and turned for a long time, trying to find a comfortable position, tormenting herself and harassing the sleepy Eeyore, who and strove to settle on her chest, exactly opposite the through hole that was pierced in her by thoughts of Clarke. Finally, tired of fruitless attempts to sleep, Lexa took clean linen out of the closet and, grabbing a blanket, went downstairs to the living room, but even there, on a small uncomfortable sofa, she was haunted for a long time by the phantom smell of the blonde, sweet, intoxicating, with a barely perceptible hint of cinnamon.

*****

As time went on, there was still no word from Clarke. Lexa called Greg and Emily a couple of times, wondering if a Mrs. Collins had approached them on her recommendation, but each time she received a negative answer.

«Well, it that's, so,» Lexa thought distantly after the next call and decided, for lack of other options, just to live on, taking this episode of her life for a certainty, which, of course, will still come around in the future, but change which now she was unable to. You could try to change your attitude, and Lexa worked fruitfully in this direction:  
at least from now on, when she remembered Clarke, she felt no guilt, no pity, no anger, only a slight regret that everything turned out the way it turned out, but then again, could everything be somehow different, or they a blonde obediently played their unenviable roles in a performance pre-directed by someone? ..  
There was no answer to this question, and Lexa, calmed down by the fact that everything always goes on as usual and, as usual, for the better, plunged headlong into work, wrote a lot for her blog and, finally, having gathered her courage, began to put in order garden: trimmed the lawn, trimmed trees, and cleared weeds and dirt from the driveway leading to the front door.

On this very path, on one of the cold August evenings, they met again: Lexa, who had returned from work, parked her car, walked slowly to the house, lazily playing with the key fob, when she suddenly stumbled when she saw a familiar figure in front of her, Clarke was standing clutching a dirty bundle to chest, and looked at Lexa with round, like bowls, eyes.

\- "What?" Lexa asked fearfully, in one jump being next to Clarke.

\- "Here..." said the blonde in a strange voice and handed her a parcel, in which Lexa with horror recognized the tortured cat being wrapped in a jacket.

\- "Lord!..." Lexa gasped, already five years without mentioning the names of God in vain. - "What with him?"

\- "I think ... I think he was tortured ..." Clarke sobbed dryly. - "I walked around the neighborhood ... and found him ..."

\- "In the car. Fast,” Lexa commanded, not wasting time on unnecessary inquiries. - "Sit in the back with him."

She jumped into the driver's seat and, making sure Clarke was in the back, dashingly turned around and drove the car to the nearest veterinary clinic. Squeezing the gas pedal to the floor and trying not to think about the fines that would be littered with her mailbox after this trip, she closely followed the road, from time to time casting a strained glance in the rearview mirror. Clarke sat in an uncomfortable position, doing everything possible not to disturb the wounded animal, and every time, as if feeling the gaze of her friend, she raised her eyes to her, which, thank Gods, had slightly decreased in size and took on a meaningful expression.

Having approached to the clinic, Lexa somehow parked the car and, getting out, accepted the motionless cat from the hands of the blonde, only now she could see, that instead of his eyes he had some kind of black liquid, and the smell of burnt wool and burnt flesh became ill near.  
«Is he still alive?» Lexa thought in panic and almost ran to the entrance to the clinic.

\- "We need help. Urgently,” Lexa said as she flew to the front desk.

\- “What am I…” the administrator girl began, but when she saw the tortured animal, she waved her hand deeper into the corridor. - "Go into the first examination room, I'll call the doctor."

Lexa nodded and walked into the indicated office, where she carefully laid her load on a metal table and, unable to look at the unfortunate cat anymore, turned away, almost bumping into Clarke. Automatically extending her arms, she nudged the blonde slightly, and Clarke grabbed onto Lexa's jacket to stay on her feet. Frozen in place and not unclenching her fingers, Clarke ran her eyes in panic over the face of the brunette, who was so close, obviously afraid to meet her gaze. Lexa, coping with the initial shock, gently unlocked the stranglehold of her fingers and pulled back at a comfortable distance.

\- "Where is the damn doctor?" Lexa asked nervously, looking out into the corridor. - "Oh, wow, she goes ..."

\- “Good afternoon, my last name is Harrison,” a young female veterinarian introduced herself. - "What happened?"

\- “We don’t know,” Lexa answered and nodded at the examination table. - “We found him in this state."  
Dr. Harrison quickly scanned the tortured animal lying in an unnatural position and began to draw some medicines from ampoules into syringes.

\- "I injected him with anesthetic ..." she said, giving the cat a few injections, and began to gently blot the bloody mess on his face with a napkin. - "Well ... Looks like he was first blinded, and then set on fire. Do you see a big burn on his side? .. Poor cat, how are you still alive, I don't understand," the veterinarian muttered under her breath. - "Black cats often suffer a similar fate. And not black either ..." she sighed. - "Shall we do an injection to put to sleep?"

\- “No,” Lexa said. - "We will save."

\- "There is chances, of course ... Although small," said Dr. Harrison. - "But think for yourself: who will take him, blind, then? He is doomed to spend his whole life in a shelter cage, if he survives, of course."

\- “Listen,” Lexa said. - "We will always have time to kill him, and if he survives, I will take him to myself."  
Clarke looked at her in surprise, but said nothing, she seemed to be present in the room as additional furniture, not interfering with anything and not saying a word.

\- “Okay,” the veterinarian agreed, eyeing the angry and disheveled Lexa with interest. - "Then we put him in a hospital and start treatment, and you need to sign the necessary papers at the administrator. Go right now."

\- “Uh-huh,” Lexa took one last look at the cat and went out into the corridor. Clarke slipped out after in a silent shadow.

\- "Your first and last name?" the girl at the counter began the interrogation, taking out some official form for filling.

\- "Alexandria Hart."

\- "The name of the animal?"

\- “BigEyed,” Lexa muttered, out of the corner of her eye noticing that Clarke, standing next to her, opened mouth a little in amazement.

\- "Age?"

\- “Uh, I don’t know,” Lexa replied, glancing at the blonde, puzzled. Clarke shrugged her shoulders in confusion.

\- “He’s two or three years old,” said Dr. Harrison, who came up and looked at the questionnaire. - "That's it, Miss Hart, your cat is in the hospital, now it is being prepared for surgery. If anything, I'll call you. And ... And if you want to then take him to yourself, then come to him to communicate more often."

\- “Of course I'll be back tomorrow,” Lexa replied with a nod.

\- "Excellent, we will wait for you," the veterinarian smiled broadly and held out her hand in parting. - “Good day, Miss Hart."

\- "Thank you for your help," Lexa said, shaking the outstretched hand and suddenly noticing that Dr. Harrison is very similar to Costia, the same tall, slender, red-haired, with the same light gray eyes and a large sensual mouth ... This was the type, from which Lexa turned on instantly, literally from a half-turn, while women like Clarke, short blonde princesses, never attracted her in this regard.

No, she could, of course, keep her eyes on them, speculatively admiring this classic beauty, but the desire to possess them never arose, at least that was until she met the blonde, whose scent sometimes haunted her at night.  
«And to be honest, that sucks,» Lexa thought, releasing Dr. Harrison's palm from hers palm, which somehow shone like a silver dollar. «Downright delusion of some kind ... I even feel her with back ...».  
The veterinarian left, and Lexa, having finished answering the questionnaire and paying for the operation and hospital, turned to Clarke:

\- "Let's go to?"

\- "Wh-where?" asked the blonde in such a frightened voice, as if a terrible adult uncle approached to a little girl, on the street and offered candy.

\- “In the car, of course,” Lexa said, rushing to the exit. - "Or are you going to stay here forever?"

\- “No,” Clarke said, and walked after the brunette quickly retreating.

In the car, Alexandria just sat for some time, putting her palms on the steering wheel and relaxing her head on the headrest, she waited for the blonde sitting on the right to start a conversation explaining both her long absence and such a dramatic appearance. However, she soon realized that she was won't get it, Clarke sat, looking down at her tightly entwined fingers and stupidly silent, occasionally gasping for breath. She looked unimportant: she was lost weight and haggard, deep shadows lay under her eyes, her blonde hair faded and no longer shone like a fluffy dandelion around her face, and a dull look painted her once bright blue eyes into an incomprehensible dull gray color.

«Well, the second honeymoon, it seems, was not a success ... Otherwise, I suppose, she would bloom and smell ...» having considered all this, Lexa could not resist a bad thought, which she was immediately ashamed of. «Is it because of Finn? Because of me? Or again, the same fear that she never said anything about? Damn, what if she is already completely unbearable and she came to me for help? How can I help her, well, with what? .. I'm going to be torn to pieces with pity ...» Lexa sighed heavily and started the car.

\- “I'll take you to the station,” the brunette said, breaking the silence.

\- "Okay," Clarke agreed dutifully. - "Lexa, can I visit him tomorrow?"

\- "How can I forbid you something?" Lex shrugged. - "Moreover, to visit the animal you saved."

\- "I mean, with you ..."

\- "Okay ..." Hart replied after thinking. - "I have two clients in the morning, then I can pick you up somewhere."

\- “Thank you,” the blonde whispered and squeezed her hands even harder, to the whitened knuckles. - "Could you stop by some supermarket? .. I need to buy a T-shirt ..."

\- "Of course," Lexa glanced over at Clarke's T-shirt soiled with blood and dirt and was about to offer to change at her house, but she stopped in time: let the blonde take steps to meet her, if she needs it, of course. Yes, stupid, yes, childish, but the offense at Clarke's behavior, it turns out, did not go anywhere, she just hid, curled up like a poisonous snake, deep in her soul, and now she raised her head rather and looked around in anticipation of revenge. Lexa, feeling this nasty, slippery creature in her chest, flinched slightly in disgust with herself and rather sharply hit the brakes, stopping the car next to the department store. 

\- "I think here have clothes."

Nodding, Clarke jumped out of the car with a bullet and soon disappeared into the store building. While she was shopping and changing clothes, Lexa managed to dig herself out and, in order to get rid of the feeling of guilt, decided to behave softer with the blonde, although she was not sure that she would succeed - the negative emotions that had been driven inside and suddenly erupted were too strong, too for a long time she and Clarke have not seen, too much between them remained unsaid.

Having changed her T-shirt, the blonde cheered up a little and even dared to look at Lexa several times, who, putting on another impenetrable mask a la «brick face», pretended not to notice anything. In this manner they reached the railway station, and Lexa breathed a sigh of relief: soon this torture will end, at least for today, and tomorrow ... tomorrow will be a new day.

\- “Don't you think it’s a bit ... cynical to call a blind cat BigEyed?” Clarke suddenly said, turning her whole body to her friend and trying to catch Lexa's elusive glance.

\- “I don’t think,” Lexa said dryly. - "Or do you have any better suggestions?"

\- "Are you mad at me?" the blonde asked quietly.

\- "Angry?" Lexa was surprised. - "No. I just don't understand why you first disappear for more than a month, cutting off all contacts, and then ... um ... you walk around the neighborhood."

\- "Forgive me. Then I said too much," Clarke again nervously squeezed her hands and stared at the windshield, on which large drops of rain began to spread.

\- "That's for sure."

\- "I really don't think so ..."

\- “I don't care, Clarke."

\- "You don't want to communicate with me anymore?"

\- "We are already communicating, if you haven't noticed."

\- "Not like that ... Not like before."

\- “Clark,” Lexa said wearily. - "You and I almost slept, and then you made it clear that you did not want to have anything to do with me. Why should everything be the same?"

\- "It ... It doesn't mean anything ..." the blonde said barely audibly.

\- "Here's how..." Lexa sarcastically drawled, deciding not to spare anyone's feelings and to find out everything to the end. - "You know, when I want to have sex with someone, it means something to me, and not even something, but a lot ... And when, after that ... "not sex" dynamite me on all fronts, I, too, somehow do not remain indifferent."

\- “No, you don’t understand ...” Clarke confused, clearly agitated by Lexa’s frankness and her unusually cold, harsh tone. - “I meant that what happened ... that it didn’t affect my attitude towards you. I still admire you ... your wholeness ... your attitude to all things ... And I still feel good and joyful next to you ... Honestly."

\- "Then why did I get into all the black lists that only exist on this planet?"

\- "Because I was scared ..." the blonde whispered. - “Please don't push me away."  
Lexa looked closely at the drooping Clarke and sighed. To find out what she was scared of, there was no desire, and so everything is clear. Own feelings and reactions, that's what. And, of course, at that moment it was easier for her to disown all this unknown and frightening, accusing the other of all mortal sins, instead of understanding what was happening. «And did she have the strength for these proceedings…» Lexa thought and, sighing again, looked at her watch.

\- “Get on the train, bear cub,” Lexa said, - “or you'll be late. I'll call you tomorrow. And, take my jacket, it's cold outside."

\- "Thank you," Clarke, accepting the jacket, timidly and fleetingly touched Lexa's hand with her hot palm, and then jumped out of the car and ran in the rain to the cash register.


	11. Women's games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

The box of the veterinary clinic's hospital was empty: out of two dozen spacious cells, only two were occupied - in one sat some skinny bald creature clearly from another planet, and in the other Lexa saw the BigEyed, bandaged up and down. The cat lay motionless on its healthy side, seemingly resigned to the darkness in his eyes, and with a sterile bandage on his face, and with a huge plastic collar that did not allow it to reach the burned side.

\- "He will probably be unpleasant if I touch him?" Lexa asked Clarke, stopping at the cage.

\- "Yes, not yet," answered the blonde and, coming closer, timidly took her friend's palm in hers. Lexa started to pull her hand away, but Clarke gave her such a pleading look that she didn't. - “Look, it looks like he all black, without a single spot."

\- "So what?"

\- "They say black cats bring misfortune such a sign."

\- “Nonsense,” Lexa snorted. - "What are these wild superstitions?"

\- “I think so too,” Clarke said hastily. - "We, on the contrary, have succeeded fortunately ... If I had not found him, I probably would have been wandering in circles near your house for a long time ..."  
Lexa looked at the blonde with curiosity and chuckled in surprise wow, someone started talking about their feelings.   
And Clarke, meanwhile, squeezing her fingers a little tighter, quietly continued:

\- "I missed you so much ... I even thought ... this would happen ..."

\- "What is this, Clarke?" Lexa asked when she heard the blonde highlight the pronoun barely noticeably intonation.  
Clarke took a deep breath and was about to answer when the door to the box opened and Dr. Harrison appeared in the doorway.

\- "Hello Hello!" she cheerfully greeted those present. - "Chatting with a cat?"

\- “Hello,” Lexa replied politely, fighting the urge to push the doctor who had appeared so inappropriately into the corridor. - "We don't talk so much as we watch."

\- "Need to communicate," said the veterinarian. - "Now I will handle his injury, and you, Miss Hart, and you ..." she looked inquiringly at the blonde.

\- “Clarke,” the blonde introduced herself.

\- “And you, Clarke,” Dr. Harrison cast an interested glance at the women’s woven arms, - “will help me."  
The blonde, noticing this look, released Lexa's hand from hers and pulled back a little.

\- "What do we need to do?" Lexa asked, feeling the heat from the fingers Clarke had just gripped tightly. It's definitely not okay to react like that to her touch ...

\- “You will hold his face and paws,” said Dr. Harrison, pulling on thin latex gloves and removing the mustachioed patient from the cage. Laying him down on the examination table, she said: - "He is now so thoughtful after anesthesia, and as soon as he recovers a little, he will immediately begin to show character. We must be ready for this. Let's get started?"

\- “I'm ready,” Lexa said. - "How to keep?"

\- "Like this," the veterinarian showed Lexa the position of her hands and began to perform various manipulations on the cat, while talking about his condition. - "Well, what can I tell you? The operation was successful, everything was cleaned, everything was treated, the wounds are good ... clean ... when he heals, we will sew his eyelids and he will be as good as new ... Yes, my golden one? .. What else? The tests for the main infections are already ready, and the boy is fine with that too ... Do you have any other animals?"

\- "Yes, there is a teenage kitten."

\- "Vaccinated?"

\- "Of course," Lexa chuckled, remembering how in this very clinic she demanded a little hysterically to give Eeyore all possible vaccinations - even from those diseases that occur once a century, and then, if the stars converge. - “But he recently had the plague."

\- "That's how?" Dr. Harrison looked up from her interesting occupation and looked closely at Lexa. - “Then we’ll do an antibody test for BigEyed, maybe he’s already been ill. And if not ... How long has passed since the moment of illness?"

\- "About one and a half months."

\- "You know, it is recommended to take a new animal to a house where the panleukopenia virus has been recorded not earlier than six months later. And better in a year. This is an incredibly tenacious infection ..."

\- “We treated the house with this kind of lousy,” Lexa pointed at a large bottle of disinfectant solution on the tool table. - "And quartz."

\- "So what?" the veterinarian was surprised.

\- “I was told it would help get rid of the virus,” Lexa replied, casting a quick glance at Clarke, who was texting someone on the phone. Although, with whom she correspond, only with Finn.

\- “You were deceived, Miss Hart,” Dr. Harrison laughed. - "These actions, of course, reduce the risk of infection, but no one will give you a 100% security guarantee."

\- "Even so?" Asked Lexa and sternly looked at the blonde. She blushed in embarrassment and, muttering that she needed to call, hurriedly ran out of the box.

\- “Exactly,” said the veterinarian and began carefully changing the blindfold on the cat's eyes. - "Hold tight, now he can twitch."

\- “Uh-huh,” Lexa nodded and pressed the pet a little tighter to the metal table.

\- "Why doesn't your girlfriend communicate with BigEyed? Doesn't like cats?" Miss Harrison asked when she finished.

\- "Girlfriend?" Automatically asked Lexa, not immediately realizing who they were talking about.   
\- “Ah… no… Clarke is not my girlfriend, we are… friends."

\- "Oh, sorry," the veterinarian was confused. - "It's just that you were together yesterday and today, so I thought ... Sorry, I got into my own business ..."

\- “It's okay,” Lexa said, and with curiosity stared at Miss Harrison with her trademark explore look, which she had developed back in her student years and had often applied in practice before meeting Costia. However, the animal doctor did not remain in debt and no less frankly examined her in return.

\- “Um,” came from the door, and Lexa, startled, turned towards the sound. Clarke stood in the doorway, frowning, looking at Dr. Harrison as if she had borrowed a hundred bucks from her and had not given it back for a year.   
\- "Are you finished, as I understand it?" She asked disgustedly.

\- “Probably,” Lexa muttered and looked questioningly at the vet.

\- “Yes,” Miss Harrison answered easily, smiling, and added somewhat ambiguously, - “But we’ll continue tomorrow, Miss Hart? I will time the bandaging of the BigEyed for your arrival."

\- “Okay,” Lexa said, thinking with a strange feeling of fleeting euphoria that what was happening was getting more and more interesting. - "I'll come around the same time."

\- “We’ll come,” Clarke corrected yhe brunette and, coming up, resolutely took her friend by the hand.

\- “Okay,” the veterinarian agreed and, carefully lifting the cat, moved it to the cage. - "You can grab someone else ... Women's football team, for example."  
Lexa, unable to contain herself, snorted, and Clarke, bursting with fiery paint from neck to roots of hair, looked at the grinning Miss Harrison with a furious look and exhaled noisily through clenched teeth. Catching that crazy look and feeling the iron grip on her fingers, Lexa sighed and, throwing imaginary popcorn into an imaginary trash can, pulled the blonde towards the door:

\- “We’ll probably go, Miss Harrison. Till tomorrow."

\- “See you tomorrow, Lexa,” the veterinarian replied. - "The BigEyed will be waiting for you."  
Nodding goodbye, Lexa yanked the resting blonde into the hallway and dragged her toward the exit.

\- “Not enough for you to fight with her,” the brunette said sternly already in the street, barely holding back her laugh bursting out.

\- "And you would still have sex there! .." Clarke retorted offended, still breathing heavily and sparkling eyes. - "Right on the table, moving poor BigEyed."

\- “Do you really think I'll be discussing this with you?” Lexa asked cheerfully, not quite understanding what caused this rush of good mood: either a wordless flirtation with Dr. Harrison, or such a clear manifestation of jealousy on the part of the blonde. - "Let's go, hooligan ... I never thought that you have such an explosive temperament."

\- “She pissed me off,” Clarke said, and as she got into the car she slammed the door hard.

\- “Hey, take it easy,” Lexa said. - "My clunker is already falling apart."

\- “Sorry,” the blonde grunted. - "Football team ... What a bitch."

\- “That's it, calm down,” Lexa said. - "Better explain why you deceived me with this stupid quartzing?"

\- "I did not deceive ..." Clarke switched instantly. - “Just… just a little exaggerated."

\- "What for?"

\- “I don’t know… That is, I didn’t know then, but now I understand that I just wanted to be with you… After all, we could stop communicating after Eeyore recovered. Well, or just formally, in your office…" Clarke sighed. - "And then, it still had to be done. You've heard it reduces the risk of infection."

\- “Because of you, I had to spend the night in an unfamiliar place, and I don’t like passion,” Lexa muttered and after a pause added: - “Tell me, Clarke, this is not as difficult as it seemed, right?"

\- "What exactly?" the blonde did not understand.

\- "Talking about your feelings with your mouth in English ..."

\- "It's… it's not easy," Clarke admitted. - “But at the same time, there is something so dangerous and attractive in it ... And you can easily sit down, and talk, talk, talk ..."

\- “Not without it,” Lexa agreed. - "But still speaking is better than being silent ..."

\- "Yeah."

\- "Okay, where can I get you? To the station?"

\- "Where are you going now?"

\- "Home, where else?" Lexa was surprised. - "I still want to dig deeper in the garden."

\- "Can I come with you?"

\- "Poking around in the garden?"

\- “N-o-o,” Clarke drawled. - "This is definitely not for me. But I would like to read those papers from your cherished «Bluebeard closet»... If you don't mind, of course."

\- “Don't mind,” Lexa shrugged and looked at her watch. - "Time by five ... Will you stay overnight?"

\- "Yes, if you can ... I will not embarrass you and lie in the living room."

\- “You lie where I tell you,” Lexa answered. - "Then we go to the grocery store, I somehow didn't plan a locust raid on my refrigerator today."

\- "What will you cook?" Clarke perked up.

\- "How about vegetable lasagne?"

\- “I’m in favor,” the blonde replied enthusiastically. - "And what else?"

\- "Hey, what am I to you, in culinary slavery hired?" Lexa protested. - "Now, I buy frozen pizza, put it in the microwave and that's it: the food is served, sit down to eat, please."

\- "No," Clarke said confidently. - "You won't do that."

\- "Why is this?"

\- “Because you like to feed me,” the blonde said. - "And I like to eat your concoction. I think we found each other."

\- "That's for sure," Lexa grinned, involuntarily admiring the smiling Clarke, who looked much better today, at least, this hopeless gray dregs were no longer splashing in her eyes. 

\- "Banana ice cream and fresh fruit for dessert will arrange?"

\- "Yes!"

\- "Then let's go together to empty the supermarket ... You yourself will drag your future sweets, I certainly didn’t hire myself as loaders," Lexa parked at the store and, before leaving, looked seriously at her friend. - "And that's what, Clarke, finish reading Uncle Sigmund before bedtime, his of course, curious works are morally outdated for fifty years ..."

*****

Under the pretext of studying old papers found in the bins of Bluebeard's closet, Clarke stayed with Lexa, almost never leaving, for more than a week. Finn was again either at the training camp, or at a competition, or somewhere else - by some tacit agreement, both of them chose not to touch on this topic and spent long cozy evenings by the fireplace, either chatting about all sorts of nonsense, or discussing the read blonde woman papers.

\- “This is downright bonanza, Lexa,” Clarke said excitedly. - "Diary of a Yankee officer, his letters, notebooks ... He was just a doctor who had finished his course, and foolishly, giving in to romantic impulses and patriotic moods, he volunteered for the war. Such a naive young boy from a good Boston family, and around the hard-boiled officers and all the Irish-Scottish rabble that the army of the Northmen was equipped with ... Can you imagine how he was broken there?"

\- "I can," Lexa replied thoughtfully and, stroking Eeyore, who was sprawled in her lap, asked: - "Will it be a new novel?"

\- "So far, only sketches ..." Clarke was confused. - I do not know the history of the Civil War very well, need a little to tighten the materiel."

\- "Would you give to read it?" Lexa asked, genuinely interested in the presence of the sketches. - "It will be interesting for me to trace how a book is born from them."

\- “I don’t know,” the blonde said. - "I have never shown my drafts to anyone, this is still so raw material ..."

\- "Did anyone ask you?" Lexa asked reasonably.

\- "No," Clarke sighed. - "The editor doesn't need it, and Finn is stupidly uninteresting. He didn't even read my published books."  
Lexa, not knowing what to say, grunted neutrally.

\- "He was a virgin until he was twenty-seven, can you imagine?"

\- "Who?" Lexa was dumbfounded, still not switching from Finn.

\- “This officer,” the blonde explained. - "By the way, his name was Richard. As far as I understood from the diary, at the age of thirteen, his own aunt tried to seduce him, and after that he began to avoid women. And at twenty-seven he was lassoed by some thirty-five-year-old emancipated person - apparently with the aim of producing offspring - and still bore him a son. And this son became the father of the old man whose relatives sold you the house."

\- “That Jack built…” Lexa muttered and asked suspiciously: - “Are you retelling the script for the next episode of Santa Barbara for me?"

\- "No," Clarke laughed. - “In life happend lot of that, don't you know."

\- “That’s for sure,” Lexa replied relaxedly, and was already accustomed to admiring the blonde, who, putting on her funny glasses, again plunged into reading the papers that had turned yellow with time.

«But just a week ago it was painful to look at her,» Lexa thought, remembering how on that first evening after reconciliation, the blonde, having lost half a baking sheet of lasagna and a huge cup of banana ice cream, fell asleep in some enchanted sleep on the sofa in the living room without undressing or even washing face. «Now, as if soul has rested and gained strength ... What is happening to you, dear? .. Tired of living on your sterile space station in emptiness and loneliness, in constant expectation of incomprehensible“ this ”? But lived for so many years, and nothing ... There must be some factor that I do not know about ... I must definitely ... Okay, let's take it for an axiom that in personal relationships, everything is precisely - precisely bad, but to hell with him ... What then changes constantly? Space and time ... Maybe they recently moved to this apartment, and something in it provoked fear? »

\- “Clarke,” Lex called softly.

\- "Um?" mumbled the blonde, not taking her nose off the papers.

\- "How long have you lived in this apartment of yours?"

\- “Almost four years,” Clarke replied, looking up in surprise. - "We bought it when I received my first fee. Added and bought. Why?"

\- “No, nothing,” Lexa replied. - "I just liked the renovation ... I wanted to know the designer's contacts, but since it was so long ago ..."

\- "I'll try to find his phone. Do you want to tidy up the house?"

\- “Yeah, yes,” Lexa mumbled, although she didn't want anything like that.

\- “I'll help you,” Clarke said enthusiastically. - "You know, here you can connect the living room with the kitchen and make windows to the floor. Such huge windows to the garden, can you imagine?"

\- “With difficulty,” Lexa admitted, praying to all the gods that the blonde would get off this topic.

\- “It's going to be great,” Clarke assured her. - "And upstairs you can make a second bedroom for guests ... or not, better a nursery."

\- "The nursery?" Lexa asked in panic, not keeping up with her overwhelmed friend. - "Why do I need a nursery? I have no children if you haven't noticed."

\- "Don't you want to?" Clarke asked. - "Just imagine: such a little Lexa will run around the house ... a copy of you. Cool! .."

\- "C-cool," Lexa agreed uncertainly and, after a pause, added: - "But I don't want to give birth to a child alone ... i mean, of course, I could ... but this is somehow wrong, it seems to me."

\- "Sooner or later you will have someone," said the blonde quietly and looked away hide her suddenly extinguished eyes.

\- “Something I already doubt,” Lexa sighed. - "A Tibetan monastery was written in my own family, I tell you for sure."

\- "Fool ..." Clarke whispered barely audibly, and with a quick movement wiped a tear from her cheek.

\- "Hey, why are you crying?" Lexa asked worriedly.

\- "I just introduced you bald and in orange clothes ..." the blonde tried to joke.

\- “She’s also lying to me,” Lexa said, and pulled her friend to herself. - "Come here and tell me what you are crying about ..."

\- "I so wanted a child ..." sobbed Clarke, habitually burying in Lexa's collarbone. - "A little pretty girl ... I asked him, begged him ... And he ... He didn't even stop drinking beer, so that his indicators would improve a little. And about those guys who donate sperm, he said that they are all degenerates and perverts, a normal man, will not go to jerk off in a jar, and why do we need such heredity ... And to adopt too, like who knows who we will take ..."

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said gently. - "You will definitely give birth to a child, do you hear? A little beautiful girl, the same fair-haired and blue-eyed, like you... She will look like a fragile blond dandelion ... And you will love each other more than anyone else in the world ... Do you hear?"

\- “No… I won't give birth…” the blonde whispered stubbornly, nevertheless gradually calming down from the gentle words and light strokes, in which Lexa tried her best not to put sexual connotation.

\- "How won't you not give birth to, this when I just sent a request to the Universe?" Lexa was surprised. - “Just give her time to process the information, okay?"

\- “Okay…” Clarke said in a strangled voice, trying to hold back the hiccups that came through her after a few tears. - "Is there a queue?"

\- “Of course,” Lexa smiled. - "And terrible bureaucracy ... Come on, bear cub, lay. In the meantime, I'll bring you some water, or you’ll jump out of yourself now ..."

*****

In the morning, Clarke, after twisting a stack of banana pancakes with fresh berries and finishing her addict coffee, quietly said to Lexa, who was fussing about the household:

\- "I have to go home today, Finn is coming back."

\- "Have to, than have to," Lexa shrugged her shoulders, trying with all her might to remain indifferent to the fact that Mr. Collins was returning to his native land, and to the fact that he most likely had no idea where his beloved had been missing for weeks. - "I can go to the BigEyed alone."

\- "No, no," Clarke said hastily. - “Can we just go early?"

"- Okay, get ready."

All way to the clinic they spent in awkward silence, and from time to time the blonde tried to defuse the situation and draw Lexa into some kind of light conversation, and the brunette even sincerely tried to support her, but something did not go well, the words scattered meaningless sounds throughout the car and wallowed in a web of painful understatement that hung between them again after the morning news.

«Finn is back,» Lexa thought sadly, glancing sideways at the silent Clarke. «And she will always return: today, and tomorrow, and in a year ... And she will go to him, no matter how good she is with me ... Again I step on the same rake, breaking my stupid forehead, and nothing I can’t help it… And all this has happened to me, it was, it was… damn it… ».

\- "Lexa?" Clarke asked anxiously. - "Why are we driving here? Are you feeling bad?"

\- "What?" shook herself into a stupor Lexa, realizing that she was already winding the fourth or fifth circle in an empty parking lot. - "No, I'm sorry, just thinking."

\- "About what?"

\- “About Finn,” Lexa replied honestly, finally parking the car.

\- “The season is about to start and he's leaving again,” Clarke said quietly, averting her eyes.

\- "Perhaps I should check his schedule?"

\- "Sorry…"

\- "That's ok..." Lexa sighed heavily and opened the car door. - "Let's go to BigEyed… By the way, Dr. Harrison called yesterday and said that he had had the plague, and that means that in about a week I can take him home."

\- "When did she call?" Clarke asked suspiciously.

\- "Since morning. While you were sleeping."

\- "And why didn't you tell me?"

\- “I forgot,” Lexa shrugged and, opening the clinic door, let her friend pass ahead. - "Something with memory lately ... Hello," she greeted the already familiar girl-administrator. - "We to the cat."

\- "Come, of course," she nodded. - “True, Dr. Harrison hasn’t come yet."

\- “That's ok, we'll wait,” Lexa answered, walking down the corridor to the hospital box.

\- “Thank God, we’ll spend a little time with BigEyed without this strange woman,” Clarke muttered, opening the cage and reaching out to the cat, which immediately jumped up on his paws and restlessly twirled its blind muzzle. - "Come on, fool, what are you so worried about it's us ... Lexa, try you, he knows your smell."  
Lexa went to the cage and carefully extended her open hand to BigEyed, into which he immediately poked his cold, wet nose.

\- "Well, admitted the hostess," Clarke said with satisfaction. - "Now he will start to complain."  
And exactly, as soon as the blonde uttered these words, the cat, butting its forehead on Lexa's hand, began to meow loudly and uterinely, as if telling how hard it is for him in this life.

\- "What is wrong with him?" Lexa asked, gently stroking the cat's head and back. - "Maybe something hurts him?"

\- “Nope, he’s pushing you for pity, he say, give me a treat, what’s you sorry, or what,” Clarke answered. - "You have nothing?"

\- “No,” Lexa said regretfully. - "And then, Miss Harrison asked me not to feed anything."

\- "Come on, until she sees," the blonde waved her hand and began to rummage in her huge trunk, which for some reason stubbornly called her handbag. - "Now ... I may have been lying around. Here ... Give it to him."

\- "I see everything," suddenly came from the door, and the girls jumped as if schoolgirls had been caught smoking. - "It's a shame, girls."

\- “We didn't make it,” Lexa said hastily, and suddenly noticed that Miss Harrison, it turns out, has legs, and not just legs, but very attractive legs. Usually hidden under the work uniform, now they were clearly evident, accentuated by a narrow classic skirt just above the knee apparently, the veterinarian had just arrived and had not yet had time to change.

In addition to the lower extremities, a lot of interesting things were discovered in her appearance, and Lexa carefully studied all this splendor with the same "trademark" look, feeling herself again being drawn against her will into these strange female games that Clarke and the doctor were playing behind her: one - clearly seducing, the other - openly jealous.

\- "Will you stay for the dressing?" Without taking her eyes off Lexa, asked the veterinarian.

\- "Yes," she nodded.

\- "Then I'll go change ... Get BigEyed for now."  
As soon as she disappeared through the door, Clarke poked Lexa painfully in the side, hitting the sharp elbow exactly in the junction between the ribs.

\- "What?" gasped Lexa, which from surprise and pain even caught her breath.

\- “Stop fuck her with eyes,” hissed the furious blonde. - “You're not alone here, by the way. It's not pleasant."

\- “I didn't even think,” Lexa said coolly and began to pull BigEyed out of the cage. The strengthened cat, feeling that it was time for the next execution, resisted with all his feline strength and, in the end, came out of the fight as the winner, because Lexa was afraid to touch his sore side with some awkward movement. Taking a breath, she turned to her friend: - "Maybe you can help?"

\- "Do it yourself," Clarke said vengefully, and pointedly turned to the window.

\- "P-f-f-f," Lexa snorted and returned to her exciting occupation to make sure that the fighting cat is not going to give up at all and intends to sell his life as dearly as possible. - "Hey! .. He bit me! .. It hurts..."

\- "What? Where to?" Clarke jumped, instantly forgetting her grievances. After examining the deep, profuse bleeding wounds in the tender place between the thumb and forefinger, she took handkerchiefs from her bag and began to gently blot the blood.   
\- "It hurts, right? .."

\- “Not anymore,” Lexa replied quietly, peering tenderly into the blonde’s worried face and deciding not to play these stupid cruel games with her anymore. - "Hey, it's just a bite ... And you look like my arm was torn off."

\- "Don't say things like that," Clarke muttered in frustration. - "We must ask this woman for a sterile napkin."  
However, the returning doctor Harrison, seeing the blood and assessing the situation, confidently pushed the blonde aside and herself treated Lexa's battle wounds, forgetting to pull on the invariable latex gloves, and from the soft touches of these warm hands, Lexa was involuntarily shiver: this is how Costia once touched her, and the body, remembering, reacted by itself ...

\- “Okay,” Lexa said, pulling her hand away. - "I'm not dying anymore, let's start bandaging."

\- "Whatever you say," Dr. Harrison looked at Lexa in surprise and walked back to the cage. Deftly taking out the wriggling cat, she put it on the examination table and held it tight. - "Can you hold him?"

\- “I can,” Lexa nodded and fixed BigEyed with her usual movement. The latter, sensing the trap, howled in sorrow.

\- “What a character,” Miss Harrison shook her head. - "Hold tight. So ... Okay ... You have hands like a surgeon, Alexandria," she said suddenly, not looking up from the treatment of the burnt cat's flank. - "Such long strong fingers ... What is your profession?"

Lexa, hearing the compliment, looked in bewilderment at her thin brushes, firmly pressing the escaping BigEyed against the table, and suddenly saw them as if from the side, narrow, long-fingered, with protruding metacarpal bones and blue veins. Beautiful nervous hands. Casting a sidelong glance at Clarke, Lexa noticed that she, too, did not take her eyes off her forelimbs and was slowly filling with thick paint - only white-haired people can blush so desperately. Realizing that the blonde was thinking about where those long, strong fingers might one day be, Lexa chuckled inwardly.

\- “I'm a psychologist,” the brunette answered the vet's question.

\- "Wow, psychologist?" Miss Harrison raised her head. - "This is by the way, I just have a couple of unresolved problems."

\- "You know my phone, contact," Lexa smiled professionally.

\- “Definitely,” the vet nodded and, feeling the tension emanating from Lexa, she fell silent.

Apparently, this silence turned out to be contagious, because Clarke, scowling, looking down at the world around her, didn’t say another word: neither in response to Dr. conversation, but received only an inarticulate sullen moo in response.  
«That's interesting,» Lexa thought as she walked slowly through the parking lot to her car. «They play games, but in the end I am the last one ... Why is that?»   
Already sitting behind the wheel and starting the car, she turned to the gloomy blonde sitting next to her and softly asked:

\- "Clarke, what's wrong with you?"

\- “Nothing,” the blonde grunted, turning away.

\- "Hm ..." Lexa was slightly distracted, taxiing out of the parking lot, but immediately returned to the conversation:   
\- "And yet? You understand that you will not get out of the car until we figure it out?"

\- “«Your hands are like a surgeon's, Alexandria,»” Clarke mimicked in a nasty voice, still looking out the side window. - "«Such long fingers »... Damn, Lexa, if it wasn't for me, she would have fucked you right there, on the spot! .."

\- "Yes?" Lexa asked dubiously, who thought she had finally managed to keep Miss Harrison at a fairly decent distance.

\- "Yes!.."

\- "Well, it happens ..." Lexa sighed. - "Why are you so fuming? She's flirting with me, not you, married and, God forgive me, heterosexual."  
Clarke snorted indignantly and turned to her friend.

\- "You know, you are also good: «you know my phone number - contact me»... She will contact, do not hesitate. Just not for what you think ..."

\- “Clarke, watch yourself,” Lexa warned.

\- "Oh-oh, how scary," said the blonde and immediately jumped to what seemed to be of interest to her at the moment: - "I don't understand why she wore this skirt at all, what's in it, what's not ... And her legs, by the way, has curves ...

\- "Really?" Lexa asked with a smile, again involuntarily getting involved in the game. - "And in my opinion, legs are like legs. I would even say: very attractive legs. However, I did not specifically consider ... Next time I'll take a closer look."

\- "Didn't you?" Clarke snorted again. - "You did not take your eyes off them! .. I was already thinking to run to the pharmacy - for a bib."

\- "Don't snort. And in general, legs in a woman are not the main thing ..." Lexa said languidly.

\- "What is the main thing?"

\- “The big thing is the boobs,” Lexa replied with a laugh.

\- "Fuck you..."

\- "You yourself started this topic."

Clarke pouted and turned silent, turning to the window, so they walked the rest of the way to the station in silence. When Lexa dropped off the blonde at the entrance to the station, the blonde could not resist and nevertheless blurted out:

\- "And her boobs are small! .."

\- “Gods, Clarke,” Lexa moaned. - "Leave alone the anatomical features of Dr. Harrison."

\- “I don’t like her,” Clarke said. - “There’s something about her… unpleasant."

\- “Hm ...” Lexa chuckled. - "I'm afraid she doesn't sleep at night because of this ... And you know, bear cub, something needs to be done with this. Let's try to find something attractive in her next time?"

\- "You do it on purpose, right?" the blonde suddenly guessed.

\- "What?"

\- "Tease me."

\- "Yes. Sorry ..." Lexa hung head repentantly.

\- "Rrrrr," Clarke jokingly pounced on her with her fists, which in a cramped cabin was quite difficult to do, had to move whole body to the left and almost lean on smiling Lexa. Hart carefully grabbed the blonde's wrists, and in the heat of the struggle, their faces were seconds apart for a few centimeters. Lexa felt warm breath on her lips, and for a moment it seemed to her that Clarke would kiss her ... But she just blinked in fright and abruptly pulled away.

\- "See you tomorrow, Lexa," muttered the blonde and, as if scalded, jumped out of the car.

\- "Bye-bye," Lexa drawled thoughtfully, following Clarke with her eyes until the blonde was out of sight.

Needless to say, Dr. Harrison «called» that evening and, without bothering to beat around the bush, invited Lexa to dinner on the following Saturday. And Lexa, thinking that Clarke would be with Finn that day, unexpectedly for herself agreed ...


	12. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry My English is not good so i hope you like and enjoy it

There was not much time left until Saturday, and Lexa, feeling a kind of, as she herself defined, «unhealthy» joyful excitement, began to prepare for a date: at least, she opened the closet and poked around in rags for a long time until she came to the conclusion, that there is absolutely nothing to go to a rather pretentious restaurant. Imagining long trips to the shops in New York in search of a dress and sandals for him, Lexa fell into a slight panic and already wanted to call Emma so that, referring to a sudden angina pectoris, she would refuse to meet, but came to senses in time.  
«That way you can sit in girls until old age,» she said sternly to herself, stuffing a pile of discarded clothes into the closet. - «Pull yourself together, Lexa - you just come to Manhattan, go to the first store you come across and buy the first black dress you like… Of course, you have to run after sandals… And why are all shoes made of ethical materials so ugly? This is definitely a conspiracy of the world government against vegans - especially against women - and now that I figured out their plan, they will stuff me with bugs and hunt me down from helicopters ... Ha, Clarke would appreciate ... Okay, I'll go to that little shop on 32nd Street, it looks like there were some decent shoes, it is true, with huge heels, but so be it, Dr. Harrison, for your sake I will make such sacrifices. Let's see how they will be justified ... ».

The next day, following the plan, Lexa arrived in Manhattan after work and disappeared in the labyrinths of the Bloomingdale's department store, mentally prepared to spend half of her life there, turn gray and wait for her grandchildren ... However, these pessimistic predictions did not come true, and in the third store she bought a funky black dress in which, according to the saleswoman (and in her own way, to be honest), she looked simply amazing.   
«As if not to get sick with narcissism,» Lexa chuckled, carefully examining herself in the dressing room mirror. «And then I'll stay at home to admire myself beloved ... Hmm, isn't it too deep neckline? Tits just fall out ... Although what I'm worried about - she didn't invite me to read Shakespeare ... in the full moon ... It's okay, I'll take it », and Lexa, having changed her clothes, went to the checkout, where, reluctantly, left her weekly earnings.

Already leaving the store, she heard the signal of her own mobile and, of course, it was at the bottom of the bag, under a pile of all kinds of badly needed junk. Cursing countless times and stabbing her fingers on nail scissors, Lexa finally took out her phone and took a call from Clarke, who, upon knowing that her friend was in the center and was busy raiding shops, immediately expressed her desire to join.

\- “Okay, I'll wait for you at the coffee shop,” Lexa said and listed the landmarks by which the blonde could find her. - "Just don't be long, okay?"

\- “I'm running out already,” Clarke shook a bunch of keys into the phone. - "I close the door, do you hear? And I have to drive here for five minutes, please order coffee."

\- "Black without sugar?"

\- "No, something so tasty, with a huge head of cream. And chocolate ice cream."

\- “Clarke, are you off your diet?” Lexa asked sarcastically, glancing over the menu lines in search of the delicacies ordered by the blonde.

\- "Don't be a nuisance. I just worked hard and didn't have time to dine. And my brain needs carbohydrates urgently.Э

\- "Ah, well, if carbohydrates, then yes, then of course. So, there is coffee and ice cream in various weight categories. What to take? Average portions?"

\- “The biggest,” Clarke said.

\- "Where does it get into you?" Lexa protested. - "In appearance so small."

\- “But, roomy,” the blonde chuckled, and Lexa laughed back. - "Okay, I'll be in a taxi soon."

\- "Come on."

After hanging up the phone, Lexa made an order and, comfortably sitting on a soft sofa, looked out the window, but soon, feeling a little dizzy from contemplating the endless gray stream of people rushing somewhere on their business, she looked away and buried her phone, Costia demanded a detailed and an immediate report on how the day is passing ... After reporting, Lexa blocked the phone and, looking up, saw the blonde, judging by the mocking look, she had been standing nearby for several minutes, waiting for her friend to be distracted from her electronic friend.

\- "Well, finally," Clarke sighed fakely and, bending down, kissed Lexa on the cheek. - "Their Majesty deigned to break away from the 'text-understand-from-whom' and pay their regal attention to me. Maybe you should order some champagne?"

\- "If only at your expense," Lexa chuckled good, naturedly and moved a large glass of coffee and ice cream to the blonde. - "Here, eat."

\- "Wait ... What is this?" Clarke stuck her curious nose into the bag of the brand-name boutique where Lexa recently made her only purchase.  
\- “It's a dress,” Lexa replied, paying the bill.

\- "Dress?" the blonde was surprised. - "Do you wear dresses?"

\- "On special occasions. Why are you so surprised? Can't I wear dresses, is it illegal?"

\- “I don’t know,” Clarke drawled. - "It's just that you are always in trousers or jeans, and at home in your funny striped pants ... I thought it might be some kind of lesbian dress code ..."

\- "Kind joking? Lexa asked, lightly clicking her friend on the forehead with two folded fingers.

\- "Yeah," answered the blonde, stuffing a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. - "When will I see you in a dress? And what a special case?"

\- “You'll see some day,” Lexa promised. - "A case ... It seems like there is no case ... I just wanted to buy a dress."

\- "Yes? Or maybe tomorrow you will go to visit the BigEyed in it?"

\- “I don't think BigEyed will appreciate it."

\- “But Dr. Harrison will appreciate ..."

\- “I'm not going to the clinic tomorrow, Clarke,” Lexa said. - "I have three clients in the morning, and then I have ... business."

\- "What are business?" the blonde frowned. - "Tomorrow is Saturday."

\- "So what?"

\- “Nothing,” Clarke said. - "I just wanted to invite you to a contemporary art exhibition, you know, all these strange installations made of rubbish and toilet paper ... paintings made of wire ... body instead of canvas ... In short, curious."

\- “Sounds tempting,” Lexa smiled. - "But I already have plans, sorry."

\- "What kind of plans are there that you can't tell? I do not understand. Are you going to go pump up your boobs with silicone? Or sit on the roof with a sniper rifle? Um, maybe you're an international-class hitman and a big order awaits you? This, of course, explains a lot ..."

\- “Clarke, stop it,” Lexa said, laughing.

\- "So you won’t tell?"

\- "No, I won't."

\- "Well, okay," the blonde crossed arms over chest and frowned. - "I will have plans next Saturday, which I will not tell you anything about."

\- “Deal,” Lexa agreed, chuckling to herself at Clarke’s childishness. - "I still need to buy sandals. You will go with me?"

\- "Why go somewhere? It's full of shoe stores."

\- "I need special shoes."

\- "Orthopedic, or what?" Clarke asked and leaned under the table to stare at Lexa's rag sandals.

\- "No, from ethical materials. That is, not leather or suede."

\- "And what does leather shoes not suit you? Breathable and comfortable to care for."

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said, and took the blonde by the hand. Turning her palm up, Lexa slowly ran thumb over the blonde's wrist. - "This is also skin, only yours. Think about it."  
And, grabbing her bag from the sofa, Lexa headed for the exit.   
Clarke, stunned either by a new incomprehensible thought, or by such a gentle touch from her friend, obediently followed.

*****

Gathering herself, Lexa looked at her reflection in the mirror with a critical look and was quite pleased with what she saw: a beautiful young woman in a black flowing dress was looking at her from behind the mirrored glass, whose bodice, intercepted at the neck with a fastener, opened her arms and shoulders to her eyes, and favorably set off the tempting hollow between the breasts. Green eyes shone with joy and excitement, dark skin seemed to glow with a golden inner light, and dark hair, braided from above in a complex hairstyle, fell in soft curls over bare shoulders. But the boobs were definitely falling out ...

«Damn,» Lexa thought. «I'll have to put on this stupid bra. No, fuck it, there is nothing to breathe, let them fall out, I won't lose them... Fuh, well, it's stuffy ... Is it something in the air or am I worried like a fifteen-year-old girl before the first date? Wow, like a red rose ... Juliet on the balcony, and that's all. Who would have thought ... So, where is my Romeo?» 

«Romeo», who changed sex and in the world bears the name Emma, drove for Lexa at about eight and looked so stunning that Lexa had the idea to score for dinner and invite Miss Harrison to the evening coffee, which they might drink later ... However, suppressing this fleeting desire and reminding herself of the obligatory three (okay, two) dates, Lexa made some kind of ambiguous compliment to Emma and got into the car, preparing to enjoy the role of a passenger, lately she has hardly got out of behind the wheel and was tired of it.

However, Clarke and Costia prevented her from enjoying the trip, who, it seems, could not come to terms with the fact that Lexa had some business unrelated to both of them. First, Cos called and for a long time took the soul out of Lexa about some of her client, whom she could perfectly deal with herself, but for some reason she suddenly became stupid and longed for a more competent consultation.  
At this time, Clarke sent her an uncountable number of messages with links to articles on caring for disabled animals, and then switched to cute images of cats, pumping out, probably, a good half of the Internet. When they arrived at the restaurant, Lexa was already a little on edge and, stupefied by these psychological attacks, turned off the phone to hell, with some sixth sense realizing that the "pleasant" evening had just begun.

And she was rightly: at first, Emma long and persistently tried to persuade her to drink wine, and then burst out with a lengthy lecture on the indispensability of animal protein in the diet of both humans and animals. Especially predators, which are representatives of felines, and if Lexa does not stop feeding her pet vegan food, then a terrible thing will happen and Eeyore will die from all known and unknown diseases at once.  
«Did I ask her about this? What is the urge to teach others to live right?» thought Lexa sullenly, picking at her 'wrong' salad with a fork. «Damn, I should have said that I have an ulcer ... And bon appetit to me...».

The evening was not exactly hopelessly ruined, but it was thoroughly darkened by such statements by Miss Harrison, who, it seems, catching that she had said too much, quickly changed the subject and tried to rectify the situation by grassing stories from the field of veterinary medicine. Lexa, finally realizing that they had nothing to talk about, professionally supported an empty conversation, wanting only one thing, to survive the hot and dessert, and then quickly be at home, where could take off uncomfortable sandals, pull on favorite striped pants and finally call, Clarke, who, probably, has already managed to be both offended and worried about her friend's disconnected phone.

Praise to the gods: the world is arranged in such a way that sooner or later everything ends, this not too joyful evening is over. Emma drove Lexa to the house and gave her a light kiss on the cheek goodbye.

\- "Shall we repeat?" She asked uncertainly when Lexa had already grabbed the door handle.

\- "Um ..." Lexa stammered slightly. - "No, I think not, not worth it. I'm sorry."

\- "Is it because of vegetarianism? But you're really being stupid, Lexa ...” Emma shook her head self-confidently. - "However, this is not my business, you are right. I won't say another word to you on this topic."

\- "Hm ... Didn't you think that we have nothing to talk about?"

\- "Really?" the veterinarian was surprised. - "In my opinion, in the end we talked very nicely ... And then, there are situations when we can not talk at all ..."

«Fuck,» thought Lexa, a little stunned by such a turn, and, wishing her companion good night, got out of the car, trying to figure out who had gone crazy she, Alexandria Hart, or the whole world around, in which you can arrange such wordless dog mating without worrying too much about the karmic consequences of such actions.

«It looks like I got crazy after all,” thought Lexa and slowly, barely shifting her buzzing feet, not accustomed to fashionable shoes, she walked to the house, noticing a figure on the steps of the porch from afar. Coming closer, she realized that it was Clarke, the blonde was sitting with her huge bag clasped in arms and looked at Lexa in amazement, fascinatedly absorbing every detail of her friend's image: a revealing dress, high heels, fairly bright makeup, bare arms and shoulders.

\- "Clarke, what are you doing here?" Lexa asked in surprise, sitting down on the step next to her guest.

\- "I came to work," the blonde answered with a start. - "And you are not home... And the phone is disconnected ..."

\- “It’s dead, sorry,” Lexa lied. -“I told you I'd be busy on Saturday. How long have you been sitting here?"

\- "Two hours ..."

\- "Did you arrive so late?" Lexa was amazed, remembering if Finn had left for the next training camp.

\- “Finn is at the bachelor party tonight,” Clarke replied, as if reading Lexa's mind. - "His high school friend is getting married."

\- "Ah ... Then I understand. Cat out from home - mice to dance."

\- "Do not say that."

\- "As you say."

\- "And ... Where have you been?" Clarke asked hesitantly. - "So ... So beautiful."

\- “On a date,” Lexa replied, taking off her sandals and stretching her tired legs. - "You see, what mating plumage I had to put on ... And my face now looks like the leader of the Apache tribe in ritual coloring ..."

\- "On a date? With whom?" ignoring the joke, the blonde asked seriously.

\- "With Emma ... With Dr. Harrison, that is."

\- "And ... And how?" Clarke asked quietly. - "Do you like her?"

\- “I don’t know,” Lexa said thoughtfully. - "It seems that we have a different worldview and a completely different sense of humor ... At least from her jokes today a frost on my skin was tearing me ... Apparently, this is something professional."

Clarke let out a smothered laugh.

\- “But that’s not the main thing about her, Lexa. The main thing is boobs ..."

\- "We haven't got to the boobs yet ..." Lexa answered.

\- "Oh, I'm sure you'll get there soon," Clarke said bitterly.

\- "Do you want to talk about it?"

\- "No."

\- "I thought so."

\- "She is very similar to Costia ..." after a rather long silence the blonde gave out. - "Outwardly, I mean, figure, hair, eyes ..."

\- "When did you manage to consider in all details what Costia looks like?" Lexa asked, looking up in surprise. - "Did you find her on Facebook?"

\- "Well yes."

\- "What for?"

\- "I got ... curious what she is," Clarke mumbled, blushing deeply.

\- "I see."

They fell silent again, but Lexa saw that the blonde clearly wanted to ask something and did not dare. Glancing curiously at Clarke, she patiently waited for the end of her mental rush.

\- "Are you attracted to such women?" finally the blonde blurted out a machine-gun burst, swallowing half the letters in the phrase. - "In ... sexually?"

\- “Yes,” Lexa answered honestly.

\- "Then ... then why are you ... why are we ..." finally embarrassed, Clarke looked down at her folded hands in her lap and fell silent.

\- “Clarke, I’ll answer your unspoken question,” Lexa sighed. - "Exclusively for the sake of my own peace of mind: I don't want you to think that I pounced on you then ... uh-uh ... out of hunger. You see, not everything and not always is determined by physiology ... That is, a lot, of course," Lexa grinned, - "but not all ... And the feelings that I have for you, because of them I accept you any ... Any admire. .. And ..." Lexa's voice trembled, this frankness was also not easy for her, but she always preferred to speak directly, so that the other person would not think out all sorts of fables later, being driven out of the blue. - "And I want you ... any ... I don't care how you look, what you wear ..." Lexa, noticing that Clarke nervously breaks fingers and does not find a place for herself from awkwardness, Lexa decided to slightly defuse the situation and added: - "and how many folds in your stomach ..."

\- "Hey, I have no folds on my stomach! .." the blonde, crimson with embarrassment, perked up and lightly poked Lexa in the shoulder. 

\- "Yes? So I confused you with someone ..." said Lexa thoughtfully. - "Who would it be with? .."

\- "Boo."

\- "Boo? What a kid you are, Clarke,” Lexa shook her head.

\- "You yourself ..." retorted the blonde. - "I want eat by the way. You had dinner ..."

\- "Time twelve o'clock ... Decided to feed your folds?" Lexa winked at her.

\- "I'm take offense now."

\- "And what will be?" Lexa asked curiously.

\- “Nothing,” Clarke muttered. - “I’ll stop talking to you."

\- "Gods, a miracle happen, and you will be silent for a while? Okay, bear, don't sulk, let's go look for a pot of honey for you ..."

*****

After feeding the blonde dinner, tired of the impressions of the day, Lexa wanted to go to bed, but Clarke persuaded her to sit by the fireplace a little longer.

\- “Well, okay,” Lexa muttered sleepily, sitting down on the sofa and throwing her head back. - "Half an hour."

With legs crossed and arms crossed over chest, she was half asleep looking at the fire, feeling not only the warmth from the fireplace, but also the heat of Clarke's body, who, sitting on the floor, pressed close to Lexa's leg, placing her head on her hip. Lexa mechanically, without thinking about anything, reached out and stroked the blonde on the head.

\- “You're without socks,” Clarke said, and with a slight movement she traced a round bone protruding from her friend’s ankle with a finger. - "Aren't you cold?"

\- “Nope,” Lexa answered lazily, exhausted by fatigue and warmth. - "You're hot as a battery ..."

\- "And your feet are cold as ice," Clarke began to rub her friend's feet with force.

\- "It's nothing ... I generally cool down by dawn, like a corpse ... Ay, it tickles! .." Lexa kicked her legs and tried to push the blonde away from herself.

\- "Very funny," Clarke snorted. - "Don't twitch, I'm careful ..."  
And, fulfilling her promise, she began to lightly massage the feet of Lexa with hot palms, from time to time gently stroking the instep of the foot.

«Why is she doing this? ..» Lexa thought in panic, feeling that a little more, and she pounce on Clarke, no longer understanding what she wants and does not want.

\- “Clarke, please stop,” the brunette said quietly.

\- "Stop, what?" the blonde did not understand.

\- "Stroke my feet. It turns me on."

\- "Oh, I'm sorry ..." Clarke hurriedly pulled her hands away. - "You just stroke me, and I feel good ... And I wanted to please you ... And ... Oh God ... I ..." The blonde completely confused and hid her face in palms.

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said softly. - "Just don't touch my feet, okay?"

\- "Okay," the blonde whispered and, taking hands off face, asked: - "What ... what else can i not touch? .."

\- “Everything for you,” Lexa replied seriously.

\- "And Dr. Harrison, for example?"

\- "Clarke..." Lexa said warningly.

\- "What, Clarke?" the blonde made an innocent face. - "I'm just wondering if Dr. Harrison can touch your feet? And other parts of your body?"

\- “Clarke, do you know this isn't fair?"

\- "What's not fair?" the blonde asked.

\- "What are you doing ..."

\- "And what am I doing?"

\- “You're jealous,” Lexa sighed heavily. - "And thus you make me think that you care about me."

\- "I care about you ..."

\- "Yes. But you don't want to sleep with me."

\- "I can't ... I can't because of Finn, I swore allegiance to him," Clarke said plaintively, her voice trembling with tension. - "And these were not empty words ... And in general, I do not want to sleep with anyone, how you do not understand! .."

\- “I understand,” Lexa said flatly. - "But you also understand me. I am a young healthy woman, and I have not had sex for two and a half years ... For your asexual fraternity, of course, this is not a period ... but I ... I am already at the limit."

\- “And that's why you decided to hook up with this ... this vet? You don't care who to fuck with? With me, with her ..."

\- "Clarke..."

\- "Or not, I understand ..." the blonde theatrically slapped herself on the forehead. - "You will fuck her and represent Costia in her place ... Right? No wonder they are so similar."

\- “Clarke, you're crossing all boundaries,” Lexa said coldly.

\- "Fuck you ..."

\- “Easy,” Lexa wanted to get off the couch, but Clarke grabbed her with a death grip.

\- "What else?" Lexa asked wearily.

Clarke was stubbornly silent, hugging her tightly under her knees and burying her forehead on her thigh. Lexa again leaned back and tried to relax, because the wait for the blonde's answer, apparently, promised to be long. Finally, Clarke raised head and, looking straight ahead, quietly asked:

\- "If we have sex, you won't leave me?"

\- "What?" Lexa was amazed and again tried to rise, but Clarke, tightening her grip on the ring of her hands, did not let her do it. - "What are you saying?"

\- “I can't without you,” Clarke explained in a strange voice that made Lexa's little hairs stand on end all over her body. - "So I ask: if I go to bed with you, will you be with me? Or is there something else need to do?"

\- "What the hell?" Lexa made another attempt to free. - "What happened to you?"

\- “Sit still,” Clarke said. - "I have no strength to hold you. And I… I want to tell you."  
Lexa fell silent and stood in tense anticipation. The blonde, on the other hand, briefly inhaled air several times, as if she could not breathe with her free full breast, and, closing eyes, began:

\- “My… my father,” the blonde said, - “was an ordinary person, a typical homo sapiens, and therefore, like all people, sometimes he did not behave very pleasantly: for example, he sweated, and in intimate moments he gave out all sorts of other liquids ... He shaved his stubble and was covered with irritated spots when the razor was not sharp enough. He could pick up a sandwich from the floor and eat it calmly if his stomach demanded food," Clarke spoke calmly, monotonously, as if she had written it, as if she had replayed this conversation in her head more than once - "yes, it probably was. - And she ... She harassed liters of disinfectant solution, polishing furniture, floors and plumbing to a faded whiteness. She made us take a shower almost every fifteen minutes. Our cat ... his name was Buddy ... sat for days in a dark toilet, because he had too much dirt and wool, and then in revenge he shit in the corners. Once she beat him with a mop, and he died for a long time in the stairwell ... I was seven years old, probably ... but I remember well how I sat next to him, stroking his head, and he twitched, and he was bleeding, from his nose, from his ears …” Clarke made a choked sound in her throat - either a moan or a sob. - "Then, when I turned nine, my father left us for another woman, and she completely went crazy: she called them, threatened, shouted that she would kill both herself and me ... And one day she took me with her, and we went to their house, to such a small dirty apartment somewhere on the outskirts of Detroit ... we lived then in Michigan, you know ... and there ... And there she knelt in front of him and made me stand up ... I remember how I stood with my bare knees on the floor sticky from the dirt, cried from not understanding what was happening and repeated how she taught: «Dad, don't leave ... Dad, come back to us ... Dad, don't leave us ...». He returned ... and ran to his mistress secretly, and a year later ... a year later he disappeared, left me with her, with her madness one on one ... It was then that she began to beat me with this rubber thing ... She said that I was the same dirty, like my father, like the bitch he went to, like everyone else ... And that it’s all my fault, that if it weren’t for me, he would not have left ... And I tried so hard to be a good girl: I took a shower many times a day, changed clothes, constantly washed, cleaned, washed ..." Clarke fell silent but Lexa knew it wasn't over. - "This remedy ... it was called «The Enchantress» in such a big white bottle, and on the label: a happy family, mom, dad, two children, and everything around is clean, everything sparkles ... Now this is not on sale ... Once she tried give me to drink with it, but I broke free and spat it out, only my mouth burned ... and then I huddled in a corner and watched ... watched her drink it in large gulps ... I don't even remember how I called my neighbors, it seems they called an ambulance ... or, maybe I myself ... The doctors arrived fifteen minutes later, and all this time she was dying as painfully as Buddy had once died ... wheezing and gurgling ..." Clarke fell silent, it seems, decisively, and Lexa, shaking with fear and helplessness, tried to open Clarke's hands and pull her to herself, but the blonde shook her head: 

\- "Don't ... I didn't finish ... I was barely thirteen then. And she was thirty-three ..."

\- “You're thirty-three soon, Clarke…” Lexa said with a shiver in her voice, leaning forward and pressing her forehead against the top of blonde's head. - "Are you afraid to repeat her fate? .."

\- “I'm not just afraid. I know I’ll repeat,” the blonde answered sternly. - “It's… it's scary. Then, when you and I have a fight, I almost lost my mind ... And this is not a turn of speech, I really felt that I was gradually losing my mind ... One day I woke up, and I had a bottle of cleaning agent in my hand, and the lid had already been unscrewed ... I don't even remember how I took it ... I don't remember anything ... This terrible an apartment in which everything should be clean and in its place, otherwise I cannot ... Finn, and our loneliness together ... And waiting, every day ... every day ... Unbearable ... Only next to you, in your house there is no such thing: fear retreats, and I can take a little break from this tension ... Therefore ... Lexa, if you need sex, then I'm ready, just don't leave me, you hear?"

\- "What are you saying? .." Lexa whispered in horror and, gathering all her strength, pulled the blonde to herself to sofa. With trembling hands, she stroked Clarke's matted hair, her expressionless face. - "What are you saying? .. Oh my God ..."

\- “I’m getting it right,” Clarke said distantly. - "If you will be with Emma or with Costia, or with someone else, we will not be able to communicate as much as we do now. Therefore, I invite you to be with me. If necessary, I'll leave Finn ... I don't care anymore ..."

\- “You're just not yourself right now, honey ...” Lexa muttered, overcoming resistance and hugging the tense Clarke tightly to herself. - "You yourself do not understand what you are saying ... I will not leave you, do you hear? .. I will always be here ... and we will cope with all this together ... Everything will be fine ... Do you believe me? .."

\- “I don’t know,” the blonde said indifferently.

\- “You have to believe me.” Lexa took Clarke's face in hands and looked into her unusually cold blue eyes. - "And you must cry, do you hear? I don't care how you do it, but you will cry now ... Come on ..."

And Lexa jerked and shook the blonde for a long time, until she burst into tears, hard and sparingly, shuddering all over, convulsively clutching brunette's forearms, leaving blue finger marks crowned with black semicircles of fingerprints to her memory of that night.  
After crying, Clarke fell asleep a superficial and restless sleep, shuddering and moaning, now snuggling up to brunette, now trying to move away, squeezing into the back of the narrow sofa. Lexa, on the other hand, lay awake for a long time, shocked by both blonde's story and her desperate offer of herself in exchange for the opportunity to be around. Lexa has never been so scary and so dark.


	13. Here and now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry English is not my language, with beta the problem they do not have much time, I really try, I hope you like it, thank you anyway

Clarke went out of the psychotherapist's office to the waiting room and, as usual, found Lexa with her eyes, the brunette was sitting on the couch and with an absent-minded look leafing through a bright, hardly interesting to her, magazine. Frowning either from the quality of entertaining reading material, or from some of her not very pleasant thoughts, the green-eyed in thoughtfulness pinched her slightly protruding lower lip with fingers and, it seems, completely dropped out of time and space - at least, she did not react in any way to the appearance of her friend , although she usually jumped up as if she had been stung, and looked worriedly into her eyes, trying to make sure everything was in order.

Smiling weakly, Clarke shook head and added this new image of deep detachment to her collection of impressions «from Alexandria Hart», knowing that one day, in moments of fear and despair, she would remember him again, as she repeatedly recalled something else: for example, here is Lexa, knitting her eyebrows in concentration, scribbling something in a laptop, occasionally interrupting to look at notes; but, for the hundredth time, probably, hitting big toe on the protruding sill, gallops all over the kitchen, cursing and threatening to dismantle the house on the blackboard; or, tired, sleeps in an uncomfortable position on the couch in the living room, and Eeyore and BigEyed, hissing at each other, strive to settle down next to ... There are a lot of such moments in Clarke's memory, thousands and thousands, awful night, and in the month and a half that have passed since that terrible night, she seems to have remembered them all. As if Lexa kept her word and was constantly, every minute, invisibly present nearby: and when the blonde, pumped up with sedative, first crossed the threshold of Greg's office; and when, overpowering herself, she spoke about what she could not talk about; and even after the first session of deep hypnosis, when almost physically felt that was falling to pieces. Pieces from which the old Clarke Collins will never be assembled ...  
All this time, Lexa, if possible, did not leave her a single step, was gentle and caring, silently endured bouts of bad mood and patiently waited out the long tantrums, into which the blonde constantly broke down frustrated about or without, harassing herself, friend, and husband ...  
Scared to death by his wife's seizures, Finn climbed out of his skin in order to somehow support his wife, but each time he stumbled upon a wall of cold alienation and, in despair, called Lexa, asking her to come, or he himself drove the exhausted after the attack, dull from tears, indifferent to everything Clarke in New Jersey.

And so it happened that the first days of therapy, the blonde was generally at home with Lexa, pretending to go through old papers, and getting out only for appointments to the doctor, who after two weeks still managed to relieve the acute condition: at least now she is bigger she was not afraid to kill herself in a fit of clouding her mind and took the first uncertain steps on the path, if not to forgiveness, then at least to the acceptance of her own mother, who so cruelly crippled her life. In his long-term predictions, Greg was very optimistic - however, he was always optimistic and cheerful - to such an extent that Clarke sometimes thought that her therapist was taking something: some magic pills of kindness and positiveness. «Would get some sleep, or something,» she sometimes thought sullenly, listening to how the healer of souls was filled with a nightingale about the prospects of treatment, which is about to give results, after which Clarke's life will sparkle with new colors and become similar to being in paradise ...  
The blonde would be quite happy if life began to resemble its previous existence - without fear and obsessions that sucked her dry, leaving nothing - no emotions, no desires, no interest in anything ...

\- "Hey," Clarke said quietly, getting Lexa's attention.

\- "Let's go?" Lexa perked up and, putting aside the magazine, in one light, smooth movement rose from the sofa. With this lazy grace, from the first day of her acquaintance, she reminded the blonde of a black flexible cat - from the breed that the Egyptians deified several thousand years ago.

\- "Yes. To the park?"

\- “Of course, as usual,” Lexa smiled.

Going to the nearest park after the sessions has already become a tradition, which was started by Lexa: she just dragged Clarke there, indifferent to everything, and forced her to hug the trees. That first time, clinging to the rough trunks with her whole body, Clarke did not feel anything special and continued this strange therapy only in order not to upset Lexa, but gradually, over and over again, she was drawn in and eagerly absorbed that inhuman peace that comes from the warm like living wood. She even had a favorite tree, an old sick oak which with all her desire, she could not clasp with her hands and to which she rushed in full sail, barely past the park gate. Only Lexa knew that the oak tree was called Antaeus, and only Lexa could see how Clarke, running into the trunk, freezes happily with a peaceful face, stroking the depressions and irregularities of the tree bark.  
By the time Clarke finished talking to her new friend, Lexa had set up a picnic area: the brunette spread a warm blanket in the thick oak shade and took out a thermos of herbal tea from her bag, as well as a bag of raw food sweets made from grains and dried fruits, this was the only one food that a friend could eat without fear of leaving it in the toilet afterwards.

\- "Antaeus sends you hello," said the blonde happily and flopped down on the blanket.

\- “Hello to you too, my friend,” Lexa said, and gently patted the mighty tree on its rough side. - "Did you eat anything today?"

\- “No, I couldn't,” Clarke said apologetically. - "But I'll catch up now."

\- "Soon you will completely disappear from this world ..." muttered Lexa, but not reproachfully, as usual, but a little detached, as if at that moment she was thinking about something completely different.

The blonde looked at her friend in surprise and saw that she was clearly not with her now: having bitten a plucked blade of grass, Lexa carefully looked up at the already yellowing crown of an oak tree, and was thinking about something with concentration.   
And suddenly, as if having recovered her sight, Clarke noticed that these months and a half had not been in vain for Lexa: the brunette had lost a lot of weight, which made her look even more serious and sterner, acquired an involuntary habit of nervously biting her lower lip, and the wrinkle hidden in the nasolabial fold became more pronounced and seems to have become more noticeable.

\- "Are you okay?" Clarke asked, accustomed to the attentive gaze of green eyes watching her every movement and gesture.

\- "Yes, fine," said Lexa and, taking out glasses, began to pour tea. - "Why aren't you eating?"

\- "I eat," answered the blonde and stuffed a ball rolled from chopped dried fruit into her mouth. - "How are the Eeyore and BigEyed doing?"

\- “Oh, great, they made a gang,” Lexa chuckled. - "And you know, BigEyed has a bad effect on the small one: if before Eeyore was a small honest cat, now, under the influence of this criminal element, he turned into a crooked path and steals cucumbers and bell peppers from the table.

\- "And eats?" Clarke was amazed.

\- “No, BigEyed eats,” Alexandria smiled. - “I’m telling you: I should have given him the nickname Don Corleone.”

\- "You see, and you were worried that they would not be friends."

\- “They are not friends,” Lexa said, setting her glass down and picking up another blade of grass. - "The BigEyed just uses the younger comrade for his own selfish purposes, and, remember my word, sooner or later he will go to jail."

\- "I wish I could see it ..." said the blonde, who has been living at home for a couple of weeks, only occasionally getting out to New Jersey.

Lexa again looked at her in a strange way, and Clarke felt a little uncomfortable from this aloof, studying look, they look at a dried butterfly, amazed at its dead beauty frozen in timelessness and the fact that this beauty was caught, counted and described, and then forever pinned with a huge pin to a wooden base.

\- "How are things at work?" Clarke asked, hoping that when she switched subject, her friend would stop looking at her like that.

\- "At work?" Lexa was surprised. - "Hm, everything is fine. Why do you ask?"

\- "You're kind of sad ... And I thought: maybe there are problems at work ... Lexa, something happened?"

\- “Costia has arrived,” Lexa answered after a pause.

\- "Oh ... When? What for?" Clarke become agitated.

\- "Yesterday. And what for - who knows," Lexa sighed. - "Apparently, she longs for reunification, the divorce is formalized, formalities remain ..."

\- "She stayed in your place?" Trying hard to seem indifferent, the blonde asked, feeling how she was beginning to feel nauseous from the thought that last night Lexa, perhaps, was close with Costia.

\- “Uh-huh,” Lexa drink up her herbal tea and screwed on the thermos lid. - "That is why I have to go: Costia has a general cleaning plan in MY house. Nice, isn't it?"

\- "Why are you letting her?" Clarke asked, taking Lexa's hand again.

\- "Well, I thought it was a good idea. It is necessary to finish raking these Augean stables sometime. And together is more fun."

\- “I'm not talking about cleaning! ..” Clarke said sharply. - "I'm talking about your life. You broke up more than two years ago, after that you collected yourself piece by piece. What right does she now have to fall on your head like this, live with you, manage your time? .."

\- “Clarke, this is my life after all,” Lexa said softly, freeing her hand from her friend’s grip. - "Let me figure it out myself."

\- “Oh yes, you’ll figure it out,” Clarke said angrily. - "You will figure it out that it will only get worse ... Do you know how it will end? No? I will tell you. Today she will lay you to bed, and tomorrow she will run to the next man or return to her beloved Monty, leaving you sobbing in the bathroom on the floor. And you know what?" the blonde could hardly restrain the tears coming. - "You know? I will not wipe your snot when this happens! .."

\- “It's weird to hear such things from a married woman, Clarke,” Lexa said coldly as she rose from the ground. - "Even ... even if this happens, believe me, you will be the last person to whom I will come to cry about my bad life. With your permission, I'll leave you..." and already leaving, over her shoulder, she casually threw: - "Have a nice life, Princess."  
Clarke, with silent tears of despair streaming down her face, twitched at these words, as if from a slap in the face, Lexa knew where to hit harder.

*****

«What did I really expect for?» Clarke thought bitterly, returning home by taxi.   
«That she can devote her whole life to one blonde idiot who doesn’t even have the courage to confess her feelings to her? .. Greg is right: I can’t admit to myself… As he said today: how is emotional betrayal better than physical? .. By nothing. Emotionally, I have not been with Finn for a long time, since the very time when Eeyore was sick ... Even, since he first raised his hand to me. Or even earlier ... Everything is broken and smashed, but there is no trace of the strength and desire to fix it ... So why so clinging to this physical fidelity? .. They certainly won't give me a medal for it ... Screw this all.» 

Excited, the blonde dialed the number of her psychotherapist and for about forty minutes walked around the bush that bothered her so much now. Greg listened patiently and, apparently realizing that he would not get for specifics, gave a general advice to listen to that little sincere girl named Clarke, who knows exactly what she really wants.

«Well, well,» the blonde thought angrily and hung up. «Where else can I find her, this little sincere girl ... How everything it simpel for him and Lexa: listen to your inner voice, it will not deceive and blah-blah-blah ... And if I don't hear him? What now, strangle myself? .. And Lexa is also good: all this time she was there, made me believe that she needed me, and as soon as the former mistress appeared on the horizon, without thinking twice, she went to her ... As if there was nothing between us ... She just doesn't care about me ... » .

And unable to find a place for herself, emotionally swinging like a pendulum, from the point of «self-deprecation» to the point of «anger at this ... this traitor,» Clarke spent the rest of the day. Trying to distract herself, she started and quit household chores, took a shower, and then tried to work on the novel and as a result sat at the computer for a long time, stopping a meaningless glance at the blank page of a text editor. Thoughts revolved around Lexa and Costia: how they together, dressed in old clothes, clean up, how Lexa throwing her head back slightly, laughing at Costia's jokes, how Cos, taking advantage of some convenient moment, kisses the green-eyed woman. Thinking about this, Clarke ran anxiously around the apartment, took another shower, changed into clean clothes, although the old one was quite fresh. The anxiety did not recede, and the blonde was already grabbing a bottle of pills, which she had recently resorted to less and less, but then changed her mind. Turning on the laptop again, she found Costia's Facebook profile and once again began to study the information presented on the page. «Why the hell did she put a picture of her and Lexa on her profile picture?» Clarke thought irritably, looking at the photo in which smiling happy Lexa hugged her equally happy ex from the back. «What the hell? Wishful thinking? Or ... Or are they together again?» The blonde nervously clicked her mouse, flipping through other images. «She is very beautiful, even though she is almost forty ... and so many of them are connected ... And she divorced her husband ... Well, no ...».

Without thinking, Clarke forcefully slammed the lid of the laptop and proceeded to feverish preparations: she quickly pulled on jeans, a decent T-shirt and a light jacket, grabbed her huge bag and, already reaching for the car keys, suddenly noticed how violently her hands were shaking. Deciding not to tempt fate and take a taxi, she left the keys where they were and quickly ran out of the house.

At an insistent knock on the door, Lexa did not open it right away, and the blonde's imagination vividly drew what such important things the green-eyed woman was doing with Costia in the bedroom, or in the living room, or even in the kitchen ... She was about to turn around and leave when the door swung open and Clarke saw a disheveled Lexa in front of her - barefoot, with pants rolled up to her knees, a wet rag in her hands.

\- "Clarke? What brings you here?" Lexa asked wearily, wiping the perspiration from her forehead with free hand. - "Came to check if I was crying in the bathroom on the floor?"

The blonde took a step forward and timidly hugged her friend around the waist, pulling her to herself. Gently touching her wet cheek with nose, she was relieved to feel that Lexa relaxed and, throwing away the rag, responded to the hug.

\- “Forgive me,” Clarke whispered. - "I was jealous. Very much."

\- “I noticed,” Lexa smiled and stroked the blonde's matted hair. - "And you forgive me."

\- "She is here?" Clarke asked barely audibly.

\- "No, I asked her to move to the hotel."

\- "Why?"

\- “Because she refused to sleep on the living room couch,” Lexa said with a small laugh. - "You see, he is terribly uncomfortable."

\- "He's really uncomfortable," Clarke buried nose in the collarbone of Lexa and sighed happily, enjoying such a familiar, such a delicious smell. - "Lexa ..."

\- "Hmm?" murmured Lexa, not looking up from top of of the blonde head.

\- "May I stay? Not on the couch ..."

\- "Are you sure?" Lexa asked carefully.

\- "Yeah."

\- "What about Finn?"

\- "Let's... let's not talk about him now ..."

\- "And it's not out of fear?" Lexa asked after a pause. - "Not because you were afraid that I would leave you?"

\- "No ..." the blonde rubbed her nose against Lexa's neck. - “It's because… because I want to… Honestly…"

\- "Then let's go to the bedroom?" Lexa asked in a sudden hoarse voice. - "Otherwise we are standing here in everyone view ..."

\- “I need a shower,” the blonde replied quietly.

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said affectionately, pulling a little away from blonde and taking her face in trembling palms, thereby forcing her to look into eyes. - "Clarke, listen to me ... I really want to make love with you. You can't even imagine how much I want it, you see, I am shaking all over from the desire to be with you ... But if you are not ready, I will wait, do you hear? .."

\- “I really want that too,” Clarke whispered. - "I just need a shower."

\- "Okey..."  
Taking the blonde by the hand, Lexa took her to the bathroom, where, clearly worried, handed out a robe, a towel and a thousand unnecessary instructions.

\- "Can I go with you?" the brunette finally asked, but Clarke shook her head in fright, she needed to be alone, wash off non-existent dirt under hot water and calm down a little, otherwise, she felt that the case would end with another hysteria, but not by that, than planned.

\- “I'm quickly,” the blonde said and tried to smile.

\- “I’ll wait as long as you need, my dear,” Lexa replied, and, gently touching her lips with long, cool fingers, Lexa left the bathroom.

\- “You look like a chicken,” Lexa, who stood by the window, said as Clarke, wrapped in a fluffy yellow robe, appeared on the threshold of the bedroom, and jokingly added,   
\- “Hey, where are you put my little bear?"

\- “The bear’s here,” Clarke answered shyly and, looking down, nervously tugged at the already frayed belt of her robe.

«What if I won't succeed again? ..» the blonde thought, looking in panic at the slowly approaching Lexa. «I don’t want to pretend with her, as with Finn ... I don’t want to ... God ... And if she doesn’t like it? .. I’ve never been with a woman ... and I can’t do anything at all ... How is that ...».

From confused, bad thoughts, the blonde began to shake with a large tremor, which could not be contained, even gritting her teeth painfully.   
Lexa, coming up close and noticing that Clarke was shaking like an aspen leaf, silently dragged her to the bed and hugged her tightly, and then, having untied the belt of her robe, began weightlessly, with fingertips, stroking her wet body after a shower, whispering tender words and trying not to touch as yet forbidden places. Either from these gentle strokes, or from a soothing whisper, or from unshakable confidence in the correctness of what is happening here and now, that a powerful wave emanated from Lexa, no one knows what, but Clarke calmed down a little and, finally, deciding, shyly kissed her friend in favorite wrinkle, stuck in the nasolabial fold, in the very corner of the lips, and then, making sure that nothing terrible happened and the heavens did not parted, deepened the kiss.  
And as soon as their tongues touched, everything became unimportant, everything except the soft hot lips of Lexa, which Clarke felt on herself everywhere, and the touch of which echoed with shivers and awe throughout her body, giving rise to a warm wave of previously unknown pleasure. Completely dissolving in these new sensations, she felt like a cosmic body, rushing at great speed through a void strewn with distant stars, in which there is nothing but the hands of her beloved, sliding over her stomach and below, her tongue caressing her chest, her hair tickling her skin, her scent, spicy and teasing ...  
And at that moment, when Lexa with a soft movement penetrated into the bosom of her mistress and began to slowly move in her, it seemed to Clarke that she had returned to a distant childhood and, panting with delight, was swinging on a large chain swing, rising higher and higher, feeling that a little more, and it will reach that highest point where all dimensions meet and the body, enveloped in sweet languor, becomes weightless, and the heart swiftly hoots at the heels ... Sensing the approach of this moment, the blonde moaned impatiently, and Lexa immediately accelerated the movement of her fingers, each time pressing the base of her palm a little tighter against a small sensitive tubercle, and then slightly bit her friend's nipple, which she had previously gently fingered with her lips and tongue ... For a second it seemed to Clarke that such a desired point had been reached and now something that she had heard and read so much about would happen, but a moment later it became clear that, despite all efforts to hold on, her swing was rapidly rushing down, pressing down the tired, body.

\- “No… not work,” the blonde breathed desperately, suddenly realizing that all this time she was convulsively clinging to Lexa's shoulders and that these echoes of her own loud moans still hover in the cramped space of the bedroom. - "Again ..."

\- “Wait… wait…” Lexa whispered, gasping for air. - "Roll over ..."

\- "What?.."

\- "Roll over on your stomach ..."

Clarke obediently complied with the green-eyed's request and, with relief, buried her forehead in the cold piece of the sheet that they hadn't yet heated with their hot bodies. Lexa, not giving a break, wrapped her hand around Clarke waist and in one sharp movement pulled her to herself, forcing her to kneel down. Pressing her chest against the blonde's back, she entered her again, and resumed her forward movements, increasing and increasing the pace, forcing Clarke to sway abruptly on the chain swing of her childhood ... Feeling that nothing was working out, and almost crying from this, the blonde was about to ask Lexa to stop, when suddenly she, for the last time strongly and deeply plunging fingers, gently touched with lips only to the two of them known sensitive spot under the left shoulder blade and in the same a moment Clarke quickly soared upward, so that there, at the point of convergence of all roads, turning over, scatter into billions of molecules and dissipate into millions of parsecs, and soar for a long time in a weightless nebula in the infinity of being ...  
And when it was time to get ready back, the blonde suddenly remembered everything they had experienced together down to the smallest, seemingly long-forgotten details: the first meeting and the first quarrel; and the first fleeting touch of hands; and moments of intimacy that have not become something more; as well as hundreds and thousands of glances, smiles and touches that they gave each other ... And this kaleidoscope of memories was so unbearably bright that Clarke could not stand it and, covering her face with hands, burst into tears ...

\- "What? .." Lexa was alarmed, trying to turn the blonde over, take her hands away, look into her face. - "What happened, dear? .. Did I hurt you? .. Are you sorry? .. Well, do not be silent, do you hear? .. Please ..."

\- "No ..." Clarke sobbed. - "No ... All is well ... These are emotions ..." and, finding herself in the ring of her friend's strong embrace, burst into tears even more.

\- "Do you always cry after orgasm?" Lexa asked when the blonde calmed down a bit and stopped hiding her face. - "Scared me ..."

\- “I don’t… I don’t know,” Clarke answered after hesitating.

\- "You do not know?.."

\- "I have not had before ..." Clarke whispered barely audibly and buried her neck in embarrassment. Lexa was dumbfoundedly silent, digesting what she heard. - "You see, in all relationship you the first..."

\- “You need to warn me,” Lexa finally said. - "I have a feeling as if I deprived you of your virginity ..."

\- “I told you that I don’t feel ... I didn’t feel pleasure from sex ..."

\- “I thought you were exaggerating. This is a purely mechanical process ..."

\- "So, I have not mechanical ..."

\- “You just have an orgasm switch in a hard-to-reach place,” Lexa grinned.

\- "Uh-huh," Clarke muttered listlessly. - "Let's just lie down, because of some donkeys I threw a hundred tons of coal ... Hold me tight, okay? .."

Having come to her senses a little and returned from space to her home planet, the blonde pressed herself even more tightly to Lexa, as if trying to merge with her, and sighed happily she had not felt so good and so calm for a very long time. Lexa sighed shortly in response, and Clarke felt a wave of a shallow, seemingly suppressed shiver run through the brunette's slightly tense body.

«She hasn’t cum and is still aroused,» Clarke suddenly guessed and mentally slapped herself on the forehead, heartily, with all might. «Well, I'm an egoist ... I melted here like an amoeba after fission ... But how? .. What should I do? .. The same that she did to me? .. Or does she like it somehow differently? .. Damn , it was necessary to watch those films more attentively and, perhaps, even take notes ... Okay ... » .

Concentrating on the pleasant thought that Lexa would now experience an orgasm from her caresses and touches, that she would moan with pleasure and ask not to stop, the blonde dropped all doubts and, slightly pulling back, looked attentively at her friend's face, the brunette was lying with her eyes closed and, it seemed, was completely satisfied. Clarke, brow furrowed in concentration, kissed Lexa on the lips with a long kiss and demandingly slid her hands over brunette's body.

\- "Do you want more?" Lexa asked, without opening her eyes and smiling. - "Insatiable bear cub ..."

\- "I want you," emphasizing the last word, the blonde exhaled, placing her suddenly heavy hand on Lexa's stomach, but not daring to continue.  
Lexa's eyes widened in amazement, and Clarke saw that they were black with suppressed arousal. Exhaling convulsively, Lexa took her friend's hand in hers and impatiently pointed it down.

\- "I can't anymore ... Please ..." the brunette asked and, without taking her hand away, pressed the blonde's fingers to the wet pulsating clitoris, showing how it should be.

\- “That’s not how I want it ...” Clarke whispered and removed her hand. - "Wait..."

Clarkr quickly slid down and, clutching Lexa by the thighs, timidly kissed her there, feeling with her lips a slightly swollen bump. Feeling the sweet taste of her mistress in her mouth, with a subtle bitterness, Clarke collected all the moisture with tongue, and after she began to gently suck on the clitoris, trying to give the movements as much rhythm as possible. Lexa, running her long fingers through the blonde's hair, breathed loudly in unison with her actions.

\- "Yes ... honey ..." the brunette muttered, tossing her head over the hot sheet. - "My little ... Stronger ..."

By some miracle, hearing the request, Clarke slightly increased the pressure of her lips, and at the same moment Lexa tensed, squeezed the blonde's head with her fingers and moaned loudly. A wave of large tremors ran through her body, and she involuntarily brought her knees together, capturing her friend in blissful captivity, from which the blonde was in no hurry to free herself.

\- "How sweet you moan ..." whispered Clarke, when the knee grip loosened a little, and she had the opportunity to rise higher, along the way covering the shoulders and chest of still trembling Lexa with short sharp touches of lips. - "I would listen all night ..."

\- “I'm sorry I’m so fast,” Lexa said defensively, gasping for breath. - "This is because there has been nothing for a long time ... Usually I am tougher."

\- “Don't talk nonsense,” Clarke looked affectionately into her friend’s eyes and smiled slyly. - "Moreover, the night is long. Now someone will rest, and we will repeat."

\- “You're my asexual,” Lexa laughed weakly.

\- "Don't even remind me ..." the blonde nestled comfortably on the green-eyed shoulder, and for a while they lay silently, stroking each other, exchanging light, almost weightless kisses. Then Clarke broke the silence.

\- “You know,” the blonde said. - "It will be better if Costia and I never meet."

\- "Why?" Lexa was surprised.

\- “Because I’ll kill her or maim her for what she did to you.”  
Lexa tensed and wanted to free herself from the embrace, but Clarke, not allowing her to do this, looked in bewilderment at her friend's frozen face and quietly asked:

\- "What? Shouldn't I say that? Did it hurt you?"

\- “No,” Lexa said dryly and tried to turn away to hide the tears that had come to her eyes.

\- “Then what's the matter, honey? ..” Clarke asked.

\- "Nothing."

\- "It's because of Finn, right?" it dawned on the blonde. - “Do you think I'll do the same to you as she does?"

\- “I don’t think anything,” Lexa grumbled, making another attempt to wriggle out of her tenacious hands. - "Let me go, please, I want to drink water ..."

\- “You're not going anywhere,” Clarke said firmly and hugged Lexa even tighter. - "I'm yours, do you hear? .. Only yours ... He will never touch me again, I swear to you. And I'll leave him, just give me time, okay? Just a little time ..."

\- “Costia said so too,” Lexa whispered and, unable to contain herself, gave a convulsive sob. - "Don't ... please ... I don't want this humiliation anymore ..."

\- “I’m not Costia,” the blonde whispered in reply and began to cover Lexa's face with kisses, collecting the salty moisture from her cheeks and chin with her lips. - "Have I ever deceived you?"

\- "No ... But everything in life happens for the first time ..."

\- "Not in this case," Clarke shook her head flatly. - "Come on, honey, calm down ... ple-a-a-ase ... I can no longer drink your bitter salty tears ..."

\- "Nobody forces you," Lexa was jokingly offended, gradually calming down. - You yourself."

\- "Of course, myself, it was necessary to somehow stop this universal flood ... By the way, the ark has not yet been built, and the clothes have not been collected ... I am already silent about all sorts of different-sex creatures that have yet to be collected all over the Earth ..."

\- “Speaking of creatures,” Lexa stretched lazily and suddenly began to push the blonde out of bed, who not expecting such a trick. - "We need to let the cats in, do you hear them scratching? And bring some water at the same time ..."

\- "As you say, dear," Clarke agreed docilely and, slipping out from under the blanket, went to work as a doorman for two impudent cat faces, who, once in the room, immediately took all the most advantageous places next to the hostess, deciding that the guest could well spend the night on the rug, it will not lose its value.  
So Clarke, who returned with a glass of water, was forced to fight her way to the green-eyed body, but after that, as a winner, she was crowned with laurel and rewarded with a long passionate kiss, after which only the dead could fall asleep ...


	14. Stop, moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry English is not my language, with beta the problem they do not have much time, I really try, I hope you like it, thank you anyway

The next morning, Lexa, as usual, woke up at about six and lay for a long time without moving, afraid to disturb the snuffle blonde next to her. Clarke slept in her favorite position: on stomach, hiding arms under her, throwing her bent leg over Lexa, and burying nose in her armpit. It was uncomfortable to look at the blonde from such a position, lying on back, so Lexa carefully, centimeter by centimeter, turned over on the side, and then froze relaxed, enjoying the warmth and peace.

Holding breath and almost without blinking, Lexa once again began to study the parts of Clarke's body that were available for inspection and soon caught herself thinking that she was seriously going to count all the freckles on her snuffle nose, that almost imperceptible during the day, now in a dream - they brightly appeared on the pale skin, causing Lexa another attack of tenderness and emotion. Having finished with the freckles, she turned her gaze to her friend's neat ear and carefully examined all the curves of the auricle, which at night, going crazy, she traced with a wet tongue, whispering at the same time all sorts of nonsense, of those that are usually awkward to repeat in the daylight ...

Lexa was about to transfer her meditative attention to some next interesting detail of the blonde's appearance, when she suddenly noticed that the blonde was not sleeping: this was evidenced by her often quivering eyelids and a slight half-smile playing on slightly parted lips.

\- "Are you sleeping?" Lexa whispered softly.

\- “Yeah,” Clarke replied, despite obvious sleepy voice. - "Stop looking at me like that ..."

\- "Like how ?" asked Lexa.

\- "As a cannibal on appetizing piece of human flesh ... Are you hungry?"

\- “Generally, yes,” Lexa said, stroking the blonde's thigh. - "I've been digesting my own stomach since six in the morning, waiting for the laziest bear cub in the world to wake up."

\- "I woke up ..." Clarke assured her without opening eyes and yawning sweetly. - "Kiss Me..."

\- "Nope."

\- "Why?" in surprise the blonde even opened one eye and slightly raised head.

\- "Because I didn't brush my teeth. And you, by the way, too."

\- "God, what a bore you are ..." Clarke muttered. - "And it seems that I is a pervert, because I like it ..."

\- "Get up already, pervert," Lexa threw off the blonde's leg and tried to get up of bed.

\- “No way.” Clarke pulled Lexa up to her side and threw leg back. - "Hot ... And you said that in the morning you cool down like a corpse ..."

\- "Not with you. You generate more heat than the city CHP."

\- "That's them, veal tenderness in the morning," said Clarke sadly. - "City CHP ... You have not come up with anything more romantic?"

\- "Well, if you don't want to be a thermal power plant, you will be the Eyjafjallajökull volcano."

\- "H-o-w?" the blonde was amazed.

\- "Eyjafjallajökull."

\- "How did you say that?" Clarke asked in shock. - "Lexa, are you human at all? No, a human is definitely not able to do this ... Hey, maybe you are a cyborg? Terminator?"

\- "What more. Just years of training." Lexa smiled slyly. - "And in general, the tongue is flexible. I thought you felt it at night ..."

\- "Well, yes," Clarke chuckled in embarrassment and again buried in the brunette's armpit. - “Your fingers are also ... hinged. Listen," Clarke perked up, - "where is your door? I want to see how you cyborgs have everything inside ..."

\- "Ok, teddy bear," Lexa turned the dangerous topic, who had plans for a shower, breakfast and lightning-fast preparations for work, but not the feats that an innocent conversation about the Eyjafjallajökull volcano and the internal structure of the terminators could lead to. - "Will you get up or should I call the special forces?"

\- “I’ll get up,” the blonde promised. - "But first I would like to understand what it will be for me ..."

\- "We are bargaining, then?" Lexa narrowed her eyes. - "Breakfast will be for you."

\- "And that's it?"

\- "What else do you want?"

\- “Well, uh, I thought we’d make love in the morning…” Clarke stretched languidly, almost hitting Lexa in the jaw. - "Then we will take a shower together ... And again we will make love ... At least, in these lesbian films of yours, everything happens that way."

\- "Have you watched themed films?" Lexa was surprised. - "What for?"

\- “I studied materiel,” Clarke muttered.

\- "Understand..."

\- "What do you understand?"

\- “Where did you get all this ...” Lexa said mockingly. - "Cause all midnight I could not understand what kind of star of lesbian porn in my bed ..."

\- "Better shut up ..." the blonde warned. - "And stop ironing my butt, since there won't be a movie..."

\- “Okay honey,” Lexa agreed and removed hand from her friend's hip. - "We will have movie, but in the realism genre ... At least today."

\- "Fu, I hate realism ... And what is the plot of this masterpiece?"

\- “Very vital,” Lexa smiled. - "According to the script, you will now go to the shower, and I will cook breakfast. Then you will lie on the couch, and I will go to work."

\- “I don't like this script,” Clarke said. - "And do you know why?"

\- "Why?"

\- "Because this is some kind of drama ... Tell me, where in this busy schedule is our hot sex? Between shower and breakfast? Or between the couch and work?"

\- "Between Tuesday and lunchtime," Lexa laughed.

\- “No, just look at her,” said the blonde. - "Have we already been married for twenty years and sick of each other to death? How could I not have noticed?"

\- "In the evening everything will be, teddy bear, I promise," Lexa said seriously and, unable to bear it, broke into a happy smile.

\- "And what time will you be back? Do you have many clients today?"

\- "Two," Lexa hesitated a little and added: - "But then ... then I meet with Costia."

\- "What for?" Clarke tensed noticeably.

\- "We need to talk."

\- "About what?"

\- "About everything that happened between us."

\- “In my opinion, she did not come to talk to you,” the blonde said, removing leg from her friend and lifting herself up on elbows to see her better.

\- "These are her problems."

\- "You know ..." Clarke fell silent in mid-sentence, but then she continued: - "It's scary to think that one day you might say this about me. That one day ... one day I will be your past."

\- “Clarke,” Lexa said softly. - "I will never say this about you ..."

\- "Why not?" the blonde objected reasonably. - “You’ve never said that about Costia either."

\- "Stop doing that. What should I answer to this?"

\- "Nothing," Clarke pouted in resentment. - "You could just hug me and say something stupid ... For example, that we will grow old together and die in one fucking fine day."

\- "Hey, are we going to quarrel now?" asked Lexa and grabbed the weakly beating blonde in an armful. - "On our first morning?"

\- "You yourself are to blame. There was no point in making dates for ex."

\- "It's not a date, it's just a meeting."

\- "Yeah Business meeting," Clarke snorted. - "In what, interestingly, hotel."

\- “Bear,” Lexa said sternly. - "Enough to endure my brain out."

\- "I haven't even started yet ..." The blonde frowned funny and whimpered: - "F-u-c-k, it turns out, that i terribly jealous."

\- “And I'm terribly loyal,” Lexa gave her friend a loud kiss on the nose. - "Disgusted from myself."

\- “Okay ...” Clarke took mercy. - "I will believe it for the first time, so be it ... Go and prepare breakfast for me, and I'm stay lying..." and the blonde lay on stomach like a star, spreading arms and legs wide. Having already got out of bed, Lexa, seeing such a thing, made a strange throaty sound and quickly ducked back, crushing the smiling Clarke with her body.

\- “I knew it would work,” the blonde said contentedly, without opening eyes.

\- “Shut up,” Lexa whispered, covering her back with kisses and gently nibbling at the skin next to that magical place that Clarke had for such important functions. - "And consider: because of you we were both left without breakfast ..."

After the eruption of the notorious Icelandic volcano, the time to get ready was catastrophically short, and Lexa, like a madman, rushed around the house, trying to brush teeth, comb hair and find a decent, preferably ironed, white shirt. Clarke, throwing the dressing gown given out yesterday over her naked body, stupidly ran after Lexa, grabbing at the preparation of breakfast, or at the iron, or just interfered.  
In the end, Lexa could not stand it and sat the blonde on the sofa in the living room, giving her the first cat that came across, and also promising to let braided her hair when she was completely ready.

\- “I don’t know how to weave so hard as you do,” Clarke said apologetically, running a comb through her friend’s hair. - "I'll just do coiffure, okay?"

\- "What coiffure?" Lexa asked suspiciously, fidgeting from the inconvenience of the pose, had to sit on the very edge of the sofa so that the blonde could fit behind the back and from the experience of being late for a meeting with a client.

\- "You will see. You'll love it,” Clarke promised.

\- "Okay. Just go quickly, maybe there are traffic jams."

\- "Uh-huh," the blonde was concentrating on her friend's strands, making something unthinkable out of them. For a moment Lexa thought that she had fallen into the hands of the Mad Hatter, who was erecting something on her head that corresponded to his perverse taste, and mentally prepared herself, when looking in the mirror to keep her emotions to herself. «If anything, I'll intertwine along on the way,» she thought and tried to relax, thinking only about how soft and hot Clarke's hands are.

\- “Done,” the blonde finally said and, jumping up, dragged her friend into the corridor, to a large mirror by the door. - "Do you like?"

Lexa, suppressing a strong desire to close eyes, cautiously looked at her reflection and froze in amazement, carefully studying the stranger who was looking at her from behind the mirrored glass, she smiled mockingly and hid some ancient female secret in the green of her eyes, about which Lexa herself had no idea ... But Clarke simply gathered her friend's hair into one of the varieties of the Greek knot, thousands of years ago the free women of Hellas were braided like that and this simple hairstyle surprisingly went with Lexa's classic facial features, emphasizing the perfect face shape, thin pseudo-Greek nose and high cheekbones.

\- “This is amazing,” said Lexa and, turning to the blonde, gratefully kissed her on the lips. - “Now I know how you see me."

\- "Really?" Clarke was delighted. - "Do you want me to braid you like this every morning?"

\- “I want to,” Lexa nodded, suppressing a barrage of questions about how often they would have «every» morning, and how they would share with Finn not only those morning hours, but the rest of the day as well. - "I have to go, honey."

\- "Come back soon," the blonde kissed Lexa on the cheek and sighed in frustration.

\- "What are those sorrowful sighs?" Lexa asked. - "You will not have time to look back, as I will return, I promise."

\- “Uh-huh,” Clarke nodded and suddenly asked, - “Lexa, where did you get this chicken robe?”

\- “Found it when I was taking apart the remaining boxes,” Lexa replied. - "Why, you don't like it? He was once my favorite."

\- "I like it ... I just ... I just thought, suddenly Costia left it. Marked the territory, so to speak."

\- "How did such stupidity thought come into your head at all? .." Lexa was surprised. - "Do you really think that I would give you her things?"

\- "Well, you never know ... Indeed, stupidity. I'm sorry."

\- “Hey, teddy bear.” Lexa took Clarke's chin and made her look into eyes. - "Costia is my ex and nothing more ... Perhaps, after the final showdown, we can remain friends, or maybe not, I don't know, honestly. But anyway, no matter how it goes, you have nothing to worry about, you hear?"

\- “I hear,” Clarke muttered. - “Forgive me for reacting to her like that ... But after she did to you, it’s hard for me to control myself."

\- “She had her reasons for doing this,” Lexa shrugged. - "And then, we all sometimes make mistakes, don't we?"

\- "Oh, started the hurdy-gurdy," the blonde rolled eyes. - "You know, I completely share your worldview, but not when it comes to your ex ..."

\- "What kind of double standards?" Lexa chuckled, already fully collected and standing at the door.

\- "And here," Clarke put hands on hips and, scowling, was about to argue further, when suddenly, as if remembering something, she jumped from place and ran into the kitchen. She returned with two apples and a banana and immediately attacked her friend with reproaches:   
\- "Why didn't you take anything to eat? You haven't had breakfast ... Here you go, snack on the way. And don't forget to have lunch, okay?"

\- "Okay," smiled, touched by such care Lexa and teasing, stretched out: - "It turns out you like to command ..."

\- "It's impossible to command to you," answered the blonde and, standing on tiptoe, folded lips with a tube. - "Kiss me already and go, and I will put things in order in your eternal mess ..."

\- “Oh, I hope the house will survive,” Lexa feigned fear.

And, having kissed Clarke goodbye, as well as Eeyore, who had passing, Lexa left to work out her labor service, feeling the same calm warmth at the thought that her beloved woman in a funny chicken robe would be waiting for her at home in the evening.

*****

The hotel bar, in which Costia had moved to after yesterday's rather violent quarrel, was empty, only occasionally, in the intimate twilight, a waiter glided towards a rare customer in an inaudible shadow and a polished head waiter stood behind the counter at the door with an imperturbable statue.

\- "Are you expected?" he asked Lexa, who had fly in full steam.

\- “Yes,” the brunette replied, somewhat surprised at the pathos of the establishment, but then, remembering that it was the place of stay of the Dowager Queen-Mother in exile, she stopped being surprised and quickly looked around the room in search of the former.

Cos was sitting at a table in the farthest corner, and Lexa caught herself thinking that from now on she was looking at Cos without a strange painful admiration: earlier she could watch her mistress for hours, engulfing heart with sorrowful thoughts that this beautiful, stately, tastefully dressed , a woman who knows her own worth does not belong to her. This thought never left her, even in the most intimate moments of intimacy, and latently corroded the sour rye of jealous obsession with their already uneasy relationship.  
Now, eight years later, emotional addiction was ended overnight, and Lexa, a little drunk with this long-forgotten freedom from everyone and everything, calmly approached to Costia's table. Kissing her ex on the cheek casually, she nonchalantly said:

\- "Hello."

\- "Hello, dear," Costia threw up and quickly turned head, trying to touch Lexa's lips, but the brunette deftly pulled back and, pushing back the chair, sat down opposite her former lover.

\- "Why not near?" Cos was surprised and patted with palm on the fabric of a sofa, wide enough for two, on which she was sitting. - "Come on, tranship, we always sat next to each other. Even on the first date, remember? .."

\- “Yeah,” Lexa sighed. - "But our «always» ended more than two years ago."

\- "Maybe it's over," agreed Costia. - “But I still remember how you blushed on that date when I put my hand on your thigh."

\- "Cos ..." Lexa winced. - "Let's not."

\- “I can't,” the ex admitted. - "These moments of our common life, there are so many of them ... and they ... they disturb me."

\- "Why suddenly? When you left me, didn’t you sleep either?" Lexa leaned back in chair and crossed arms over chest, she did not want to say such things, but the words themselves flew from lips, and this meant only one thing: despite all the internal work done, she could not forgive Costia.

\- "Oh, it begins ..." her absolutely not ladies' briefcase and took out a large black folder. - "Now we will quarrel again to snot. Here, take it better ... Or else I'll forget."

\- "What is it?" Lexa asked curiously, accepting the folder.

\- "Susan asked me transfer to you. These are her drawings of Eeyore and BigEyed, she drew them from photographs and your stories."  
Lexa opened the folder and began to look with interest at a series of funny sketches of her cats, which Sue presented in the form of cool, but very ridiculous gangsters of the Great Depression and Prohibition.

Here they are, in cartoonish striped wide suits and colored ties armed with gigantic openers, robbing a large refrigerator filled to the brim with canned cat food. Here they tied the caught bird to the chair, and the little fool Eeyore tries the hot iron with tongue. But the impudent hardened BigEyed, covering his sewn eyelids with black glasses, is desperately bluffing at poker, not suspecting that his cards are visible to all other players ...

\- “She's a talent, Cos,” Lex said sincerely, admiring the drawings, looking up at her ex.

\- “I know,” Costia smiled proudly.

\- "Still wants to become an artist?"

\- “Oh, don't ask,” Cos grabbed head in mock horror. - "She shakes from side to side ... Now as an artist, then as a surgeon, then, she says, I will go to the army. And recently she announced that she would be a psychologist like me."

\- "Well, don't worry, she'll change her mind three hundred times ..."

\- "It would be nice," Costia sighed. - "And she also had a boy. At twelve years old, can you imagine?"

\- “Oh, you might think,” Lexa said mockingly. - "At what time did you have your first boyfriend?"

\- "At fourteen. And we didn't allow ourselves anything like that."

\- "I think they do not allow it too, they are just friends. Don't go crazy, Cos."

\- "It's easy for you to say, it's not your only daughter who locks herself in a room with a skinny pimpled youth ..."

\- "So serious? And what does Monty say about this?"

\- "What can he say?" Costia was surprised. - "He's a man and doesn't see anything beyond his self-confident nose. His daughter can be deprived of virginity, addicted to drugs, beaten with tattoos from head to toe, infect with some rubbish, and he won't even notice ..."

\- “You're exaggerating, Cos."

\- "May be. In any case, if the court had awarded him sole custody, I would have buried him alive."

\- “I believe,” Lexa smiled. - "What did you agree on in the end?"

\- "On the fact that Sue will spend two weeks with me and two weeks with him."

\- "What an inconvenient schedule ... Sue will live on suitcases?"

\- “You might think he worries about it,” Costia snorted contemptuously. - "He does not need her at all in life, only as an instrument of manipulation. She won't live with him for weeks, you'll see."

\- “You're wrong, Cos,” Lexa shook head. - "Monty loves Susan. I remember how they talked."

\- “Men love their children exactly as long as they need the woman who gave birth to them,” Costia said categorically.

\- “I doubt it,” Lexa said, suddenly realizing that she and Costia had never thought in the same direction, but always in spite of each other and the situation was saved only by the bed, in which all disagreements became unimportant for a while.

\- "What can you understand about this?" asked already slightly drunk Cos. - "You have never been with a man, did not live with him in marriage and did not give birth to him children."

\- “Indeed,” Lexa pursed lips, it's hurt her. - "Men are not people, what can I understand in them? Okay, Cos, let's get to the point ... What did you want to talk about?"

\- "What means about what?" Costia was surprised. - "About you and me, of course. Yesterday I just didn't understand anything."

\- "What do not you understand?"

\- "Your behavior, Alexandria," the ex turned on her proprietary regime of the prosecutor-accuser, and Lexa, amused by the thought that instead of a prisoner in an emotional prison, there is no longer a living person sitting in, but a dummy a doll, a miserable product of illusions, in which Costia was still, stocked up on popcorn, preparing to watch the trial over herself.

\- "What's wrong with my behavior?" the brunette asked, grinning.

\- “Don't be silly, Lexa. You know perfectly well what I mean," Costia frowned and accepted another glass with poisonous green contents from the waiter. - "Maybe you can order something?"

\- "No. If you remember, I'm not a fan of eating in such establishments."

\- “Okay…” Cos said. - "Can you explain to me what's going on?"

\- “I'll explain,” Lexa sighed. - "If you, in turn, tell what in fact, expected of me when you arrived ... That I would jump for joy, like a puppy whose generous owners changed their minds to take to a shelter? Or that I will die in your arms, forgetting from the rush of hormones what you did to me? No really, Cos, I really wonder what you were waiting for? .."

\- “I expected that we would talk normally,” Costia answered after a pause. - "As adult sane people who are connected by a common, albeit difficult, past, and who are ready to discuss their possible common future."

\- "Yes?" Lexa asked sarcastically. - "Then why did you refuse to sleep separately yesterday? Or are we talking now only after sex?"

\- “Forgive me,” Cos looked away. - "I just really missed and lost my head from the fact that you are so close ..."

\- “I see,” Lexa drummed her fingers on the table. - "Do you know what I thought yesterday?"

\- "What?" Costia asked quietly, covering Lexa's fingers nervously running across the tabletop with her soft warm hand.

\- "I thought that you just came to use me once again ..."

\- “You know that   
this is not true…” The ex brought Lexa's hand to lips and bit the tips of her fingers a little, it was their «special» gesture, which they used when they wanted to apologize without words. Staring into Lexa's eyes, almost hypnotizing, Costia began to cover her palm with long hot kisses, gradually descending to her wrist. - "I came because I love you and want to be with you ... Here and now ... Always ..."

\- “No,” Lexa said helplessly, breaking eye contact with an effort of will and trying to pull her hand away, which, however, did not succeed. - "Don't."

\- "Why not, silly?" Cos asked and got to the wrist, making Lexa blush hot from the storm of emotions that raged inside her: there was a sudden surging excitement, and the joy of the body, which still remembered the caresses of her former mistress, and vague guilt in front of Clarke for this joy beyond the control of reason ... And Costia, meanwhile, interrupting for frequent kisses, said: - "Do you know how everything will be, dear? .. We will get married and return to Chicago ... because of custody, I must live there, at least until Sue grows up ... You will give birth to me a child, a boy, because we already have a girl ... Such a little green-eyed tomboy ... We will buy a large apartment or house in the suburbs, as you want ... Just imagine: we are with you, our children, cats ... Maybe we'll get another dog ..."

Alexandria honestly tried to imagine the illusory world into which Costia so skillfully plunged her, and, having imagined, carefully examined the phantom wedding ring that the former mistress would put on her finger, and her unborn son, and even a huge, shaggy-flea-haired a dog from a shelter ... Then she pulled hand out of Costia's hands with a confident gesture and shook her head:

\- "Sorry, Cos, but this will not happen with us."

\- "Why?" Costia asked perplexedly, clearly not expecting such a development of events.

\- “Because I don’t believe you anymore,” Lexa paused and, wanting to be honest, added: - “And because… because I met a woman… whom… with whom I feel good."

\- "How?" Costia came to senses, arrogantly raised an eyebrow. - "I understand that you just met?"

\- "No, we have known each other for a long time. This is Clarke."

\- "Clarke? Your ex-client?"

\- "Yes."

\- "But she is married, if I don't confuse anything?"

\- "For now, yes."

\- “How interesting it turns out, Lexa,” Costia said after a long silence and finished cocktail in one gulp, gesturing for the waiter looming nearby to repeat it. - "So, for six years you bore my brains out because I slept with my lawful husband ... Jealous ... Blackmailed with sex ... Arranged scenes that you want children, a house and a normal family ... And now ... Now, when I’m divorced and ready to give you all this, instead of these so desired fucking family values, you prefer to fuck a married blonde girl with boobs like bowling balls ..."

\- “Don't you dare talk about her like that,” Lexa said grimly, involuntarily clenching hands into fists.

\- "Or what? You will hit me?" the former grinned. - "Well, come on, dear, we have not had anything like this before. Maybe this will refresh our relationship?"

\- “I'll go,” Lexa said dryly, getting up from the table. - "And you would have stop of drinking alcohol, it will not bring you to good."

\- "Decided to teach me," Costia smiled crookedly. - "What's your problem, Lexa? You can't cum with an unmarried woman? Is this the point?"

\- "Fuck you! .." Lexa hissed in cold rage, who, in general, did not care what Cos thought about her ability to have an orgasm with anyone else, but completely suppress the resentment for Clarke succeeded, and Lexa realized that now she was really grabbing her former lover's hair, and, using short nails, will leave a couple of deep scratches on her smug, beautiful face. Strongly, to the point of dizziness, inhaling, she waited out the pounding of blood in her ears and said more calmly: - "Do you know why I want to be with her, Costia? Because she is much better than you ... At least she has what we commoners call a soul, and she never ... do you hear, never ... will not allow herself to humiliate a person either in the eyes or behind the eyes ... just because, that this is a man and not a booger in her royal majesty's retinue ... With your permission, madam ..."

And, having weighed a light, graceful bow in her mocking message, Lexa quickly went to the exit, hurrying to get out of this institution, until the furious Costia burned two huge through holes in her with a look.

*****

Lexa lay face down on a crumpled, crow's nest bed, feeling as if a dump truck loaded with rubble had driven over it. Moreover, he walked in both directions, and more than once. The reason for such a feeling in the face of one blue-eyed blonde, snoring loudly, lay nearby, and Lexa praised all the gods for finally settling down and falling asleep.  
Every now and then, falling into a shallow slumber, Lexa thought about Clarke, who never ceased to amaze her: barely cutting eyes and brushing teeth, the blonde declared today the Day of Knowledge and In-depth Research, after which she dragged her friend into bed and started scientific research, not missing not a single, even the most secluded corner of her body. And that is why Lexa now lay in a layer, moved up and down by heavy vehicles.

Yesterday, returning home after meeting with Costia, upset Lexa, in order to distract herself and, most importantly, to distract Clarke from unnecessary questions, undertook her own independent investigation, during which she discovered another sensitive speck, located much more convenient than the first, just above the bend of the left elbow ... And apparently, the effect of «turning on» the orgasm with this particular button was simply amazing: at least, having cum, Clarke clung to her friend's shoulders for a long time, blinking wide-eyed in amazement, and after that, when Lexa was preparing dinner, Clarke followed her with as tail, pressing her whole body at every opportunity, as if silently thanks for the pleasure she had received.

With a smug chuckle, Lexa lost her guard a little and, reaching out, accidentally touched the blonde's shoulder with hand, the blonde perked up, raised head and blinked furiously. Throwing off the remnants of sleep, she rolled onto Lexa's back in one motion and breathed in her ear with a deliberate noisy.

\- “Cla-a-a-arke,” Lexa moaned plaintively, feeling where things were going. - "Let's do something else besides sex ... Pl-ea-se."

\- "For example?" The blonde asked, covering Lexa's back with hot, wet kisses.

\- "For example, let's go for a walk ... or cook dinner ..."

\- “Required,” Clarke promised, turning Lexa on her back and settling between her legs. - “But we have one more orgasm on our plan, and then do what you want. You even can embroider with a cross ..."

\- “I can't take it anymore,” Lexa begged. - "Honestly."

\- "We'll have to," said the blonde flatly and began to draw intricate patterns on the skin of her friend's inner thigh with her tongue. - "Mmm ... Do you still want to go out?"

\- “No…” Lexa gasped. - "What are you doing over there?.."

\- “Admired,” Clarke replied and began to slowly caress Lexa with her tongue and lips, occasionally interrupting to say something. - “You are so… so beautiful… and sweet… but if you want to… go for a walk… or… you are hungry…"

\- “I want you to shut up…” Lexa said in a trembling voice, closing eyes and routinely running her fingers through her soft blond hair.

\- “At least sometimes our desires coincide,” the blonde muttered and gave herself up to the leisurely process, enjoying the smell and taste of her mistress, listening with satisfaction to her drawn-out moans.

Having cum heavily, but very brightly, Lexa lay exhausted on the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. Satisfied to the point of impossibility, Clarke sat next to her and talked at length about the fact that one orgasm in terms of energy consumption is equal to an eight-hour shift at the machine, therefore, today Lexa has been plowing for a day in production, and she urgently needs to replenish her supply of proteins, fats and carbohydrates. Therefore, Clarke, will now accomplish the feat, tear off her butt and go to cook a delicious dinner, which will embody all her culinary talents.

\- "No! .." Lexa jumped up in fright, remembering what her kitchen had become after the last attack of the blonde's culinary inspiration. - "I myself, okay?"

\- "What kind of reactions?" Clarke asked resentfully. - "Do you not like how I cook? We seem to be still alive ..."

\- “I like it, honey,” Lexa answered and stroked her friend's knee. - "I just want to pamper you with something tasty. I'll get up now ..."

\- "Ha, she will get up ... I bet your legs are shaking like the tentacles of an octopus."

\- “Shaking,” Lexa agreed. - "Who is to blame for this?"

\- "I am guilty!" Clarke exclaimed happily and began to jump in place, rocking the old, indignantly creaking, bed. - "I! .. I! .. I! .."

\- “Pants full of joy,” Lexa laughed, watching her fooling friend with affection. - "Hey, she's about to break! .."

\- "Well, let it! .." Clarke stopped jumping and fell across the bed on Lexa with the obvious intention of tickling her, but, accidentally burying her nose in the belly of her mistress, thought of something more interesting. And for the next fifteen minutes, bursting into happy laughter, she hotly and loudly pfukse Lexa in the navel. Lexa, echoing her, fought back weakly, and then, gathering her last strength, she turned the blonde over on back and, sitting on top, pressed her forehead to hers and gazed into bright blue eyes.

A familiar quiet hum filled the surrounding space, fencing off both women from the whole world, forcing them to forget about everything and live in the present moment, which was so full and perfect that, like the blind Faust, he wanted to spit on hisself immortal soul and exclaim: «Stop, moment , you are great !. ».

\- "You hear that too?" the blonde asked quietly. - "It's like bees are buzzing ..."

\- “Yes ...” Lexa replied.

\- "I thought I thought ... What is this, Lex?"

\- "This is a resonance ... Let's keep quiet, I'll explain to you later ..." Lexa said, and Clarke obediently froze, not taking her eyes off her friend's green eyes shining with happiness and attentively listening to the matter vibrating around, about which she was promised to explain everything soon.


	15. Do care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry English is not my language, with beta the problem they do not have much time, I really try, I hope you like it, thank you anyway

In the evening of the next day, Lexa, returning from work, was preparing another vegetable casserole, which, she knew, one gluttonous blonde would sweep from a huge baking sheet in two or three sessions. «Enough for today and tomorrow ...» Lexa thought and shoved her culinary creation into the preheated oven. - «This is if the bear cub does not feel the urge to eat at night. Maybe make another baking sheet? .. Or even two ... Oh, what is this song? I wonder if I ask her to sing a little quieter in the shower, will she be offended? But this is really impossible ... ».  
Clarke has been in the shower for a good hour, and during this time Lexa has heard in original performance almost half of the repertoire of The Cure, Depeche Mode and Led Zeppelin. Now the blonde was bawling with inspiration at some tearful ballad by Brian Adams, and Lexa almost burst into tears of pity ... for herself.

Almost deciding to go upstairs to gag the blonde with either a kiss or a piece of half-baked casserole, Lexa heard a soft knock on the door. «Should set up a wireless call,” she decided, wiping her hands, and immediately forgot about her decision. «Who came? Some of the neighbors took the howls of my beloved woman for a plea for help and called the police? Prove now that I did not dismember her in the bathroom with a chainsaw ... ».

Pulling on her most amiable smile, Lexa threw open the front door wide and the next moment barely restrained herself from slamming it back. Costia stood on the threshold, swaying slightly and looking straight ahead with a dull, non-focusing gaze. Lexa took one glance to understand that the ex already pretty drunk, smoothly passing in her alcoholic intoxication from the stage of aggression to the stage of self-abasement, and now she will moan for a couple of hours more, accusing herself of all mortal sins, and then, having cleared her stomach, she will passed out, anywhere.  
Sighing heavily, Lexa reached out and, grabbing Cos by the lapel of her elegant cloak, pulled her into the corridor. Once closer, she assessed the condition of the ex as critical and, without wasting time on empty sighs and lamentations, proceeded to resuscitation measures: Lexa washed the intruder with cold tap water in the kitchen, patiently waited out the body's attempts to cleanse itself of the poison, and then dragged the confused Costia's on the sofa in the living room, where she made an unsuccessful attempt to put her to bed.

But Cos did not want to rest, she wanted to communicate, and therefore, clutching a stranglehold on the shoulder of Lexa, burst into tears on her chest, trying through drunken tears to pour out all her wide and incomprehensible soul. This hurdy-gurdy about how Costia is guilty before her, and before Monty, and before her own child, Lexa heard more than once, and now, without really delving into it, she simply patted her ex on the back, cherishing the faint hope that Clarke would stay in the bathroom for another a couple of hours.

But these aspirations, of course, were not destined to come true, and at the moment of the highest peak of self-flagellation, an unsuspecting blonde flew into the living room in full sails, who, judging by the song performed, imagined herself Madonna and for this reason was in a stage image, that is, in complete disability.

\- "«I've always been in love ...» Damn it! .." Noticing Costia, Clarke screamed and ran out of the room in a frightened doe.  
Returning a few minutes later, already fully clothed, she stopped at the threshold and gloomily asked:

\- "What's going on here?"  
Lexa gave her a guilty look and quietly asked:

\- "Bear cub, please look after the casserole in the oven, otherwise it will burn out."  
Shrugging her shoulders in displeasure, Clarke threw another glance at the sobbing Cos and, turning abruptly, went into the kitchen, where she began to deliberately loudly rattle dishes.

Forty minutes later, Costia finally got tired of repenting of her own and others' sins, and she blew her nose for the last time into a paper napkin, the amount of which had already been used threatened the planet's ecology, allowed herself to be laid on the sofa, immediately turning into an insensitive body, which Lexa was tossing for a long time trying to arrange in a more comfortable position. Then, after a little hesitation, Lexa ran upstairs for home clothes and changed her former mistress, leaving her to sleep in a tight skirt, business blouse, pantyhose and bra would be the height of sadism.

\- “You forgot to take off panties,” Clarke commented bitterly, who, it turns out, had been standing at the door all this time and watching a kind of striptease.

\- “Stop it,” Lexa said. - "Let's go to dinner."

\- "Let's go," the blonde agreed suspiciously easily and went into the kitchen. Lexa, sensing a comeuppance, followed.  
However, Clarke did not arrange any kind of clarification of the relationship: without appetite, digging into her plate, she expressed a desire to go to bed early and, leaving her friend to wash the dishes, retired to the bedroom. Lexa quickly cleaned up and, feeling guilty without guilt, followed her.

Clarke was already in bed, her face turned away, her shirt and pants still on, pretending to be asleep. Lexa slipped under the covers and hugged her gently from behind.

\- “Sorry,” she whispered, stroking the blonde's shoulder. - "I didn't think she would show up ..."

\- "Uh-huh," Clarke said.

\- "Well, bear cub... After all, I didn't invite her ..."

\- “Of course didn't,” the blonde agreed. - “just let her stay and sob on her chest."

\- "What could I do? She was barely stood on her feet."

\- "You're kind," Clarke said sarcastically. - "And caring. Now I understand what you meant when you said that you and Costia are native people. This means that she can get drunk, burst into your house and snore drunkenly on the couch ... and at the same time you will wipe her nozzles, stroke her shoulder and, changing clothes, paw on all protruding parts of her body. In a relative way.

\- “Clarke, you're wrong,” Lexa tried to stop her girlfriend. - "I didn't touched her anywhere."

\- "You took off of her bra! .." the blonde exhaled indignantly.

\- "So what?" Lexa asked, puzzled. - "We've been together for six years, believe me, I remember perfectly what kind of chest Costia has, and I didn't see anything new there today."

\- “I’m speechless,” Clarke said. - "Some interjections. And those are obscene."

\- "Stupid, stupid bear cub..." whispered Lexa, hugging the blonde even tighter and putting hand under her T-shirt. - "The only breast, from which I go crazy and to caress which I dreamed all day, belongs to one very, very harmful jealous person ... Do you know who I mean? ..."

\- “Don't.” Clarke jerked and forced Lexa to withdraw her hand. - “I don’t want, when she's there.”

Lexa sighed and pulled back and rolled onto her back. The blonde remained in the same tense position. They were separated by only a few centimeters of air space, and it seemed like millions of miles of emptiness, and Lexa almost physically felt her friend drifting further and further away from her, drifting on the waves of her invented resentment. She was about to make another attempt to make up, using both words and affection, when suddenly Clarke asked coldly:

\- "Why you don't ask me about Finn? You don't care?"

\- "How could I not care, dear?" Lexa hugged the blonde again and tried to turn her to face her.

\- "How do I know? Maybe everything suits you?" Clarke shrugged her shoulders sharply, making it clear that she was not going to change position. - "What? Let's just be mistresses. This is very convenient: passionate sex with a married woman who is forced to return to her family every time, is good for health, and you can always reproach with this if starts to make a scandal. Most importantly, no commitment, right, Lexa?"

\- "Why are you doing that?" Lexa asked, trying not to dwell on these jealous words.

\- "You never said that you want to be with me somehow other than bed. What should I think?"

\- "Clarke, but you yourself asked to give you time ..." Lexa said perplexedly, gradually ceasing to understand what kind of world she was in and why she again turned out to be guilty, this time in the fact that she shows truly evangelical qualities and now and then exposes that one or the other cheek, just not to strain the blonde, entangled in herself.   
\- “That’s why I didn’t bring up this topic and didn’t put pressure on you."

\- "It would be better to press. Then I would at least know that you care,” said Clarke and, sitting on the bed, but never turning around, clearly prepared for a long and unproductive argument.

\- “You know what, honey,” Lexa, who had lost her patience, said to Clarke's back. - "I ate this shit for six years and ate like this, up to my throat. I care whether you leave your husband or not, but I will no longer poison my soul with empty hopes. Do you want to know what I want? If you please. I want you to divorce Finn, to move in with me, so that we wake up together, and I was not afraid that at breakfast you would announce that you need to go home, to him ... And i want a lot more, but, in my opinion, and the above is quite enough. Are you ready for this, Clarke?"

The blonde, frowning and crossing arms over chest, stared at one of her interesting points on the wall and it seems, was not even going to answer.

\- “You are silent…” After waiting for some time, Lexa bitterly stretched out and got out of bed.   
\- “Sorry, but I don’t understand why it was necessary to start this pointless conversation at all."

\- "Where did you going?" Clarke asked, turning to look at her friend already standing in the doorway.

\- "I'll sit in the kitchen, I'll work. I don't think we should fall asleep together today."

\- “Watch, don't mix up the rooms on the way back,” the blonde snorted and turned away again.

Lexa, carefully closing the door behind, left the bedroom. Her heart was dreary, and she decided to distract herself at least a little by communicating with the readers of her blog, from whom the entire mailbox was littered with letters. After brewing herbal tea, Lexa settled down with a laptop at the kitchen table and began to read the correspondence, at the same time listening to what was happening upstairs. At first it was quiet there, then the blonde, as expected, went to the shower and bathed for a long time, no longer performing musical hits. Having finished hygiene procedures, she went down to the kitchen and, quietly crept up to Lexa, squatted down in front of her.

\- “I'm sorry,” Clarke said, and tried to rest her chin on her friend’s knee. - "The bear cub is very jealous."

\- “Uh-huh,” Lexa replied, crossing legs out of stupid stubbornness.

\- "And hungry," said the blonde and, uncomfortably stretching her neck, nevertheless put her head on Lexa's thigh.

\- "Ah, that's what it is ..." Lexa pretended to be completely absorbed in her own affairs. - "Feed yourself, everything is in the refrigerator."

\- "Well, donkey ... Well, ple-a-s-e..."

\- "Clarke, you can't heat a piece of casserole yourself in the oven? See, I'm busy."

\- "I want you to do it ... For me."

Lexa sighed heavily (probably for the hundredth time that evening) and, getting up from the table, went to the refrigerator. For some reason, the kitchen became very crowded, at least, plying between the storage container, the oven and the sink, she constantly bumped into Clarke, who, looking with imploring eyes, each time strove to kiss her friend on the lips, then on the nose, then on an ear. Lexa, with all her strength maintaining a seriously offended expression on her face, diligently dodged.

\- “Stop sulking,” Clarke finally managed to hug Lexa from the back and lock in place. - "Eno-ugh."

\- “Your food will burn,” Lexa said, trying to twist away.

\- "How about you be my food?" whispered the blonde and gently bit her friend's earlobe.

\- "You didn't wanted."

\- "I have changed my mind. I want to take you ..." Clarke put her hand under the elastic of Lexa's pants and began to slowly caress her instantly wet nature. - "Choose where it will happen: in the bedroom or right here ..."

\- “You yourself don’t know what you want…” Lexa whispered, feeling the remnants of mind leaving her, dissolving in persistent burning touches. With difficulty retaining her consciousness in a capable state, she nevertheless turned off the oven, and also made the reluctant blonde, who was clearly aiming to update the kitchen table, to teleport to the bedroom.

Before that, Clarke had never used fingers, preferring to caress with lips and tongue, and Lexa did not insist: she experienced a vaginal orgasm only a couple of times in her life, and then seven sweats gone from Costia, and Lexa herself, exhausted, decided that she was a sheepskin not worth it. However, this time it happened differently: either Clarke's unbearably hot fingers were to blame, or Lexa itself had reached the peak of sexual maturity, but very soon an inexperienced friend in such matters led her to the edge of a deep abyss and, without a doubt, with a few confident thrusts pushed her down, forcing her to choke with a cry in an endlessly long flight to nowhere.

\- "You shouted so loudly ..." said Clarke, pleased with her exploits,   
lying on the shoulder of Lexa, who, after hitting the ground, blowing to pieces, with an effort of will gathered back, but somehow wrong - like an image of an abstract artist embodied in flesh and blood by the power of his perverted thought.

\- “I've never felt so good,” Lexa admitted quietly and, finding lips in the pile of her body parts, gratefully kissed her mistress on the nose. - "I didn't even think that it happens ... You're just a maniac."

\- "Jealous maniac, you mean?" the blonde chuckled. - “I hope she heard everything and now knows how cool you feel with me."

\- "Okay, just don't burst out of pride ..." Lexa did want disappoint her friend and say that Costia cannot be woken up from a cannon in such a state. - "In general ... in general, we should give you a reason to be jealous more often."

\- "Don't you dare..." Clarke brought a tightly clenched fist to Lexa's nose, to which the brunette immediately pressed lips, tracing the exposed knuckles with tongue. - "Fu, slobbering over me ... But now I understand how a man feels, possessing a woman. Probably when you have a dick, it's even cooler."

\- "I think that living without a pseudo-intelligent organ is still much easier ..."

\- “You don’t have a touch of adventurism,” Clarke sighed. - "Have you ever thought about changing your sex?"

\- "Have you?" Lexa asked, shocked.

\- "Well, not about a change ..." Clarke was confused. - "There are all these operations, hormones, horror, in short ... But sometimes I wanted to be born a man, for example, when I was worried that I could not get an orgasm, they have it all easier ... Well, sometimes I imagined myself as such a brutal macho with huge biceps and three days of stubble ... By the way, his name was Will ..."

\- “Oh gods…” Lex moaned. - “Don't tell me that a guy named Will was with me right now ..."

\- "No, what are you," the blonde turned on the reverse gear. - "It was all during my student years, and then it just became uninteresting. By the way, I just told you something very secret ..."

\- "Well, forgive me, I blurted out without thinking," Lexa repented. - "You unsettled me a little with your multiple personalities ..."

\- "Okay ..." Clarke fidgeted and suddenly remembered: - "By the way, you promised to tell me about this bee hum, and then last time you passed out without really explaining anything. So what are these bees in our heads?"

\- "They're not bees ..." Lexa answered sleepily. - "These are our vibrations with you, which entered into resonance."

\- “Don't you dare sleep in the most interesting moment again,” the blonde protested and poked her friend in the shoulder.

\- “I won't,” Lexa promised, and with a yawn nearly twisted her jaw. - "Do you know what resonance is?"

\- "Yes, not stupid than some."

\- "Well ... I will not load you with any esoteric garbage, but things on this planet are such that every living creature invisibly vibrates at its own specific frequency, which depends on many factors: on the state of physical health, on the degree of opening of the chakras, on the level consciousness, finally. It is believed that the healthier and more spiritual a person is, the higher his vibration frequency, respectively, the easier it is for him to enter into resonance with the higher mind and dissolve in nirvana. I am telling you this very, very roughly, but I think you understand the main idea. Yes?"

\- "Yes ..." Clarke replied thoughtfully. - "It turns out that you and I vibrate at very close frequencies?"

\- “Yeah,” Lexa said. - "And when our frequencies coincide, then we both enter into resonance and, thanks to the increased amplitude of natural oscillations, we hear what you so poetically call the «bee hum.»"

\- "Cool," the blonde admired. - "Have you felt this way with anyone else? With Costia, for example?"

\- “Once,” Lexa admitted. - "At the first meeting. And then we vibrated somehow out of order."

\- "And how much with me?"

\- “Well, let's count.” Lexa smiled at this strange rivalry and began to curl fingers. - "When you almost destroyed my office, once, when you offered to take Eeyore, two, and recently, three ..."

\- "I've got more," Clarke said with satisfaction.

\- "You are my greedy little bear cub..."

\- "Yeah. And also terribly hungry. But any sleepy donkeys don't give a damn about it ..."

\- “I’ll get up and feed you now,” Lexa said and tried to get at least a sitting position.

\- "Lie down already," the blonde ordered, cheered up in anticipation of a meal and gently pushed her friend back onto the bed. - “I’ll run down for a snack, but you wait for me here and don’t dare fall asleep alone, okay?”

\- "Okey," Lexa nodded and for the next fifteen minutes she keep eyes open, trying not to fall into the kingdom of Morpheus. However, as soon as she was in Clarke's strong arms and felt her hot leg on herself, she stopped holding back and, closing eyelids, swiftly slipped from reality into a nightly little death.

*****

In the early morning, Lexa wanted to quietly get out of bed without disturbing the blonde, but she could not carry out her plan, Clarke wrapped her with arms and legs around her in a dream, like a mythical Cthulhu, and immediately jumped up when she felt that the victim was about to slip away.

\- "What? Where to?" the blonde asked indistinctly, tightening her grip on the ring of her tentacles.

\- “Costia is probably awake by now,” Lexa whispered. - "I'll go see her. Sleep, my dear."

Clarke moaned.   
\- "God gave the ex... Come back soon ..."

\- "I will try," Lexa gently kissed her friend and thrust her Eeyore from her sleep into her hands. - "Here, take the cat."

\- “What a pitiful substitute,” the blonde muttered, but for lack of a better hug, she hugged the red-haired pet and fell asleep again.

Lexa admired this idyllic picture a little, and then, accompanied by the always hungry and therefore faithful BigEyed, went down to the kitchen. After feeding the blind cat, Lexa hastily brewed oatmeal jelly, poured it into a cup, and looked into the living room. Costia, as expected, had already woken up and was sitting on the sofa, swaying slightly from side to side, clasping head in hands and barely audibly moaning.

\- “Hey,” Lexa said, handing to her ex a cup of hot drink. - "Here you go."

\- “Thank you,” Cos said hoarsely, taking the jelly. - "What happened yesterday?"

\- “Nothing special,” Lexa shrugged. - "As usual. Don't you remember anything at all?"

\- "I remember getting into a taxi ... and then, a complete failure," Costia sipped from a cup and winced. - "Lord, what is this rubbish?"

\- "Sorry, I didn't have time to cook your favorite vegetable soup."

\- "Mad at me?" The ex threw her head back and tried to look at Lexa standing in front of her. - "Damn ... Sit down, please ... The head is cracking ..."

\- "I'm angry," Lexa sat down next to Costia and primly folded her hands in lap. - "What the hell are you doing yesterday? By the way, I'm not alone here."

\- "With her?"

\- "Yes."

\- "Interfered with your honeymoon? Well, I'm sorry ..." Costia frowned in pain and asked: - "Damn it, Lexa, how can you?"

\- "What are you talking about?" Lexa asked calmly.

\- "About you, about us ... I arrived ..." the ex hesitated for a moment, but then continued: - "You said that you love and waiting, I didn't dream ..."

\- “I did,” Lexa didn’t deny. - "In a moment of weakness and despair. Cos, I'm tired ... tired of loving and waiting ... I just don't have the strength for all this."

\- “You won't have to wait any longer,” Costia said hotly, taking Lexa by the hand. - “Never, I swear to you. Please let me fix everything, we were together for six years, we are so connected ..."

\- "Nothing binds us anymore," Lexa shook head and pulled hand away. - “If you want, we can remain friends."

\- “I don’t believe it,” the ex whispered. - "I don't believe ... You could not take and forget everything overnight, it does not happen ... You are just angry with me. And she turned up. You only sleep with her, right? I understand: you haven't had anyone for a long time, and here is a blonde, big boobs, who would have resisted ... But that doesn't mean anything, Lexa, really ..."

\- "Costia, damn you! .." Lexa could not resist. - "You there, on Olympus, does not blow? Maybe you can come down to us, ordinary mortals?"

\- "What?" Costia did not understand.

\- “Nothing,” Lexa muttered. - "I'll call you a taxi now."

\- "What is it about her, I do not understand?" Cos did not calm down, while Lexa was settling the issue with the car on phone.

\- “She didn't betray me,” Lexa replied after hanging up the phone. - "Unlike you."

\- "This is for now. Or do you think she will run to divorce tomorrow? Wake up, honey, they don’t leave their husbands so easily."

\- "Of course, who else does not like you to know. But she is not you, Costia ..."

\- "Yah? Also tell that she is not sleeping with her husband."

\- “She’s not sleeping,” Lexa confirmed sullenly, realizing that she herself didn’t really believe in it: Finn is a healthy adult man with normal physiological needs and from time to time must demand from his wife, despite all the tension in the relationship.

\- “Yeah,” the ex grunted. - "They solve scanwords in bed ..."

\- “Costia, get ready, please,” Lexa asked wearily. - "The car is about to drive up."

\- “All right, honey,” Cos said. - "I'll wait while you play enough princesses and unicorns. Sooner or later you will get tired of her, and then I will be there. Next to you. Always. As you wanted it just a couple of months ago ... You don't have to turn away."

And Costia began to slowly change clothes, showing Lexa the most attractive parts of her beautiful body. Combined with disheveled hair and dripping makeup, it looked so ridiculous and funny that Lexa involuntarily snorted, attracting the attention of her ex entangled in her own bra.

\- "What's so funny?" Cos asked coldly. - "It would help better."

\- “Don't forget to wash,” Lexa answered and, taking pity, fastened the small uncomfortable hooks. - "Otherwise, you look like the lead singer of the «KISS» band in his not-so-best years."

\- "Oh thank you, dear," Costia thanked and trudged to the stairs to the second floor. - "Can I use your toothbrush? Or no anymore?"

\- “There's a new one in the locker, better use it."

\- "As you say."  
About twenty minutes later, exactly by the time the car was presented, the refreshed and prettier Costia left the bathroom and began to look for her briefcase, which, it seems, she sowed somewhere along the way yesterday.

\- “Damn, there was also a phone, and a wallet, and term papers of my students,” she said, upset. - "And you gave me the bag itself ... Only losses from this trip. Will you lend money?"

\- “Of course,” Lexa went to get wallet and handed Cos a few bills. - "Nothing, maybe in a bar or in a taxi left. Run now along yesterday's route."

\- “Okay, we’ll survive,” Costia answered and, grimacing with disgust, took off the long blond hair from her sleeve. - "Listen, your blonde is shedding? The whole bathroom is in the hair."

\- “Stop spitting poison, Cos,” Lexa chuckled good-naturedly. - "And then it turns out rather weak, you lose your shape."

\- "Well, well," the ex smiled calmly. - “Anyway, I'll be in New York for another week while Susan is at Monty's. Call me if you need me."

\- “Definitely,” Lexa assured her, and, slamming the door, she ran to fill up in the arms of her shedding bear cub.

*****

By mutual agreement, they decided to devote that day to universal laziness: they lay in bed for a long time, had breakfast at lunchtime, and after thoughtful, leisurely love-making, they decided to breathe fresh air and walk around the neighborhood. Clarke, who had studied the area well during her restless wanderings during the memorable quarrel, resolutely dragged Lexa into the utter distance, where half-handed squirrels were jumping on a large abandoned area, among the fir and pine trees.

\- "And you said for what I take so much," said the blonde, gradually emptying the pockets, which seemed to fit all the stocks of nuts and seeds that were found in the house of Lexa. - "You see how gluttons are."

\- "Who would say ..." Lexa faked her. - "Listen, maybe you, too, will be let out to people, they are kind, they will feed you."

\- "Very funny," made a displeased face Clarke and went to hug the trees, but quickly returned and, sighing, said: - "I miss Antaeus ... Ought to go to him."

\- "By the way, I just wanted to ask when you go to Greg."

\- "I ..." the blonde hesitated. - "I decided not to go to him yet ..."

\- "What does it mean not to walk?" Lexa frowned. - "Clarke, you can't interrupt therapy in the middle ... This could come back to haunt in the future."

\- “Ooh, Lexa,” Clarke drawled. - "Well, don't bother. I feel so good now, with you, that no therapy is needed."

\- “This is a temporary improvement due to emotions and novelty of sensations,” Lexa shook her head. - "Then such a rollback may happen that it will not seem a little. Please promise me that you will resume your sessions."

\- “Okay, I promise,” the blonde waved hand carelessly. - "A little later ... By the way, you are all covered with squirrels, and they only come to me for sweets ... Venal skins."

\- “It's because I don’t eat them,” Lexa replied, who actually had a small squealing animal on each shoulder.

\- “I haven't eaten anyone for almost a week either,” Clarke said. - "But they are in no hurry to love me. Come on, confess, did you hide the nuts in your underwear?"

\- "Nonsense," Lexa laughed and began to fight off the hands of the blonde, who was impatient to check her guesses right now, on the spot. - "Well, Stop it, not here."

\- "What? Look what a pretty bush there ... and there is no one ..."

\- "Well, no," said Lexa, stopping all attempts to drag herself under the notorious bush. - "There are needles and cones, all this will bite into all sorts of tender places. And in general, I am no longer at that age to have sex under a bush or behind a bush. I have my own house, and in it there is a bedroom, and in the bedroom there is a wonderful wide bed ... Let's go home, bear cub, eh? .."

\- "You're just a granny ..." Clarke teased her. - "The bedroom ... The bed ... Look, don't lose your false jaw, or else there will be drama ..."

\- "Let's go home, I'll show you the jaw," threatened Lexa. - "I'm eating ..."

\- "Oh, am I already afraid or can I wait?" asked the blonde who lost her fear.

\- “Okay, that's it,” Lexa said, and grabbing Clarke's hand, she dragged her home.

True, she did not manage to carry out her threat, already on the way to her native land, she was forced to answer the call of the client, who for two hours violently poured out thoughts that came to his mind after yesterday's meeting. Lexa, realizing that this was for a long time, left Clarke in the living room to go about her business, and she herself took up the preparation of dinner, from time to time joining in the phone.

Having finally finished the conversation, the brunette returned to the living room and saw that the blonde with a crazy look was picking at her drafts, muttering something under her breath and tormenting her already disheveled shock of hair.

\- "Where is he?" the blonde lamented. - "Where are he gone?"

\- "What have you lost?" Lexa asked.

\- "A sketch of a dialogue," Clarke replied angrily. - "It was the best that I have written in my life. And now, disappeared without a trace ... The masterpiece perished ... I know there are enemies all around, they don't want me to write this novel ..."

\- "Um, and it's not him?" Lexa pointed to a corner of the sheet sticking out from under the blonde's heel.

\- “He,” the blonde confessed, embarrassed, pulling out a crumpled stub of paper from under her.

\- “Something doesn’t look like a masterpiece,” Lexa said mockingly, dodging the finger-slap. - "Shall we have dinner?"

\- "We will. Let's do it here? Let's light the fireplace."

\- “Okey,” Lexa agreed, and in several passes she moved the food and cutlery to the coffee table.

After dinner, puffed up by food and warmth, Lexa dozed off reclining in the arms of Clarke, who, like a monkey, swarmed in her friend's hair, either trying to invent a new hairstyle, or simply enjoying the feeling of silk sliding between her fingers.

\- “Lex,” the blonde called softly. - "Do you sleep?"

\- “Just a little ...” Lexa said. - "Why?"

\- "I wanted to say that Finn returns the day after tomorrow ..."

\- "And?" Lexa stiffened instantly, waking up.

\- "And I will go there in the morning to talk and collect things. Will you pick me up in the evening?"

\- “Of course, honey,” Lexa said, relaxing, and kissed the blonde on her open palm. - "Are you sure you really want this?"

\- "I'm sure," Clarke shook head, as if to drive away unnecessary thoughts. - "Do you know what else I want?"

\- "Me?" Lexa suggested.

\- "You are dreaming," the blonde showed her tongue. - “I want another slice of your divine spinach pie. And ice cream."

\- "That's it, the honeymoon is over," Lexa stated sadly and dragged herself into the kitchen for more.


	16. In the void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry English is not my language, with beta the problem they do not have much time, I really try, I hope you like it, thank you anyway

On the day of Finn's return, the blonde jumped up at dawn and, after taking a shower, sat down for a long time in the kitchen in front of the table mirror, trying to give herself a stern and focused look with the help of makeup, it was from this painted mask that Lexa realized that, despite all the bravado shown, Clarke still lacks the inner resolve to carry out today's plan.

\- "Do you want me to go with you?" Lexa asked, placing third cup of freshly brewed coffee in front of her friend.

\- “No,” Clarke shook head, putting the finishing touches on cosmetic pencil. - "This is just our business with Finn. You don't need to participate in these troubles."

\- "Are you going to tell him that you are leaving for me? Or will you say that you just leave?"

\- "I won't lie to him," the blonde said firmly. -" We have already lived too much time in lies."

\- “I guess I'd better come with you,” Lexa frowned. - "Suddenly ... suddenly he will starts to raise his hands on."

\- "And what will you do then?" Clarke asked mockingly, gulping down her coffee. - "Will you hit him in the jaw with your left foot?"

\- “I’ll do something,” Lexa pressed her lips offendedly, who for a moment thought that the mask put on by the blonde was not meant for Finn, but for her.

\- "Anything and I can do. Like screaming and calling the police," Clarke smiled. - "If you were the champion of New Jersey in kickboxing, then I would certainly take you with me... Hey, what are you, going to cry?"

\- "No,'' Lexa replied, not realizing herself what was happening to her and why her heart sank so painfully at the thought that Clarke would now take a taxi, and she had to spend the whole day in dreary anticipation of the call, which, perhaps, would not be heard ... - “Just call me as soon as you can, okay?"

\- "Okay, I promise," the blonde got up from the table and, going up to Lexa, gently kissed her on the lips, leaving after the kiss a pale trace of lipstick. - "And you promise me not to go crazy here and patiently wait for the call, I will call two hours before fully ready to start. And, by the way, for sure, I'll be angry and hungry, like a hundred little bear cubs, so you have a festive dinner."

\- “It goes without saying,” Lexa said. - "I've already thought of the menu."

\- "And what's there?" The same Clarke asked with childish curiosity, looking out for a second from under the mask of cold concentration.

\- "I won't say ... It's a surprise."

\- “Actually, I don’t really like surprises,” the blonde wrinkled nose and deliberately scratched head with a puzzled gesture. - "Reality always turns out to be worse than expectations."

\- “Not always,” Lexa said. - "Today you will lick all my plates and beg for more ..."

\- “Sounds awesome.” Clarke put her arm around brunette's waist with one hand and pulled the elastic of her favorite striped pants with the other. Looking into the formed gap, she said: - "And you know, I'm not talking about food now..."

\- “Junkie,” Lexa muttered, trying to hold her pants in place. - "Where is the magic button that turns your asexuality mode back on?"

\- "Boo," the blonde was offended. - "If you want, I can not touch you at all ... Twenty or even thirty minutes."

\- “Oh no,” Lexa said. - "How can I demand such sacrifices from you?"

\- "There you go," Clarke glanced at the clock and instantly became serious. - "That's it, I have to get dressed, get ready, otherwise the taxi will leave without me."

\- “It's like this all the time,” Lexa grumbled. - "First they will show a piece of fresh bear cub, and then immediately, get dressed, get ready ... Hey, leave my pants alone! .."

\- "Nope. If you want to be in pants, then come with me ..." And the time left before the taxi arrived, Lexa, like a tail, obediently dragged along after Clarke, watching her change clothes, comb her hair and throw into her bag all the junk vital for any woman, which for some reason turned out to be a thin layer scattered throughout the house. With the same engine, they went downstairs and hugged for a long time at the front door, until the taxi driver, who had lost patience and the passenger, began to press on the horn, attracting the attention of all the neighbors.

\- “All right, run,” Lexa said and gently slapped the blonde on the butt. - "I'll be waiting for your call."

\- "Uh-huh," Clarke finally broke away from her friend and, looking at herself in the mirror, ran out the door.

Lexa, having watched the departing car, went up to the bedroom with a firm intention to lie down for a while, and then do household chores, of which a huge number had accumulated during this kind of honeymoon. But, of course, five minutes of naps imperceptibly turned into ten, and ten, into fifteen and further on increasing, so that in the end Lexa, exhausted by the night's accomplishments, chilled out until lunchtime, which led to the indescribable delight of both cats, whose laziness already seemed to be the framework of all, even feline, decency. 

*****

Waking up at three o'clock in the afternoon, Lexa went down to the kitchen and yawned for a long time over a cup of tea, occasionally glancing at the stubbornly silent telephone lying on the table. It's too early, she told herself. «While they talk, while Clarke packs up her things ... She can only call in two or three hours ... Okay, let's get down to dinner, perhaps. Oh, shouldn't I bake some banana pumpkin cookies? It seems that the teddy bear has not tried it yet ... ».

Eager to pamper the blonde with another tasty treat, Lexa jumped off the stool and began rustling around the house, as a result of which an hour later she put a baking sheet with cookies in the oven, and also made all the preparations for a future dish called Brussels sprouts baked in béchamel sauce. Further - more: in some abnormal rush of culinary inspiration, Lexa made tiny cutlets from boiled chickpeas mixed with chopped herbs and immediately set about preparing a salad of avocado, tofu cheese and boiled green peas, at the sight of which the blonde seemed to grow herself additional stomach with three spare pockets.

With the basic preparations for dinner done, Lexa finally woke up from her cooking frenzy and glanced at her watch: it was approaching seven, and there was no call from Clarke. Lexa frowned and, after a little hesitation, decided to call her. The blonde picked up the phone as soon as the first call passed, and immediately, without letting Lexa open her mouth, she muttered in a nervous high voice:

\- “Lexa, honey, I'm sorry, I'm not coming today."

\- "Why?" Lexa asked, though she already knew the answer.

\- "You see, Finn ..." Clarke replied. - “He… He didn't react very well to my departure. I cannot leave him like this. Lex, I ..."  
Without listening to the end, Lexa lowered her hand with the phone and pressed the end call. For a while she stood in a stupor, looking straight ahead, and the phone in her hand vibrated without stopping, Clarke tried to call. Then, one by one, sms began to arrive.

_«Lexa, pick up the phone!»  
«Please, we need to finish.»  
«Please...».  
«Don't be a child, do you hear? It's not easy for me either.»  
«Damn it, we've been together for ten years! Do you think it's so easy to take and leave everything that has happened over the years? So you're wrong.»  
«Lexa?»  
«Hell with you. If you want to talk, call. »_

After reading the last message, Lexa flushed with resentment and, taking in innocent sweets, sent to the trash can and flavored cookies, chickpea cutlets, and even the future «Brussels sprouts baked with béchamel sauce.» Having finished with the food supplies in a completely different way than planned, Lexa felt a vengeful satisfaction for a short moment, which, however, was immediately replaced by a feeling of dreary emptiness, which only the presence of Clarke could fill.

«To hell with everything,» Lexa thought, and feeling the already forgotten sticky cold spreading all over her body, from the feet to the crown of her head, dragged herself into the bedroom, where, covered with a warm blanket, she shook for a long time in a feverish chill, then falling into a short sleep, then broadcasting to nowhere, and his own, as it turned out, useless love, and a bitter resentment, and a passionate desire for the blonde, wrapping herself in a funny chicken robe, now get out of the shower, and everything that happened turned out to be nothing more than a bad dream. 

The last vision of Clarke, washing in the shower, was so vivid, so believable that Lexa could not stand it and, jumping out of bed, rushed headlong into the bathroom, where for an hour she stared blankly at the empty shower stall, unable to believe that she had just «caught glitch» because she heard the sound of pouring water and saw someone's silhouette behind the misted glass. Heard and saw what in reality did not exist and could not be.  
Frightened, Lexa run head over heels down the stairs to the kitchen and grabbed the phone thrown on the table. Ignoring the time that was already counting down the last minutes of the Bull's hour, with shaking fingers, she pressed the contact with the blonde's photo and, pressing the phone with her shoulder to her ear, wrapped her arms around herself tightly to calm nervous trembling. Clarke answered the call and said in a tired, colorless voice:

\- "Sorry, Lexa, I'm not comfortable talking now," and immediately hung up.

A few seconds later, a message came from Clarke. 

_«Please don't call me again,»_

Lexa read and slowly backed away, something strange happened to the space: it suddenly buzzed threateningly and began to dissolve in the darkness creeping up from the corridor, in which (from somewhere Lexa knew) a little death was hiding ... And hiding in the farthest corner, shaking from fear and cold, in the last glimpse of consciousness she dialed the number of the only person who was not indifferent.  
Frightened by the interrupted night call, Costia rushed in as quickly as she could, and without getting through to her, broke the window in the living room. Penetrating into the house, she found Lexa on the floor unconscious, with traces of wounds and minor injuries, which she, writhing in a convulsive seizure *, inflicted on herself. Calling an ambulance, Costia sat down next to Lexa and carefully put her head on lap.

\- “Nothing, honey,” Cos whispered. - "Everything will be Okey."

*****

However, it was not good for a long time: despite intensive anticonvulsant therapy, the seizures did not stop, and Lexa could fight in seizures two or three times a day, feeling that she was gradually losing her mind in this monster-infested darkness, from which there was no escape ... If she had the strength, if she hadn't so carelessly wasted herself in the battle for Clarke's soul, if it hadn't been for the week they spent together, completely dissolving into each other ... And if the blonde hadn't left like this, in English, refusing a simple human conversation ... Yes, if everything had turned out differently, Lexa would have found in herself the inner resources to resist the impending darkness, in which she died a painful death every time, but everything turned out the way it did, and therefore only two weeks  
later Costia was finally able to take her silent, shadow-like, emaciated friend to the utmost limit from the hospital.  
If Clarke saw her now, she would not recognize in this emaciated, extinct woman with an involuntarily shaking head and trembling hands that calm and proud beauty Lexa, who once stood next to the blonde shoulder to shoulder and, forgetting about herself, fearlessly fought with foreign demons unaware of the exorbitant price that will eventually have to be paid for such a thoughtless rejection of own soul.

But sooner or later, the time comes to pay all the bills, and that is why Lexa, who turned out to be bankrupt, now slowly walked through the hospital parking lot to her car. Clinging to Cos's hand and looking closely at her feet, she habitually thought of Clarke or rather, why the blonde did this to her. This thought, which over time became less and less bitter, haunted Lexa day and night and had already become a familiar background for other, more prosaic thoughts, but, nevertheless, it itched like an annoying fly somewhere on the edge of consciousness, demanding permission. From time to time Lexa approached her from one side, then from the other, but each time she came to a dead end, the reason why Clarke treated her so cruelly was clearly somewhere beyond all reasonable explanations. «Or maybe it never happened?» thought Lexa, awkwardly raking the black asphalt after the recent rain with a sneaker. «Maybe I'm lying now after another attack and delirious? .. And she did not come to my appointment at all, did not nurture Eeyore, did not cry in my arms when it became completely unbearable ... Maybe she does not exist at all: and neither who in the world does not have these blue eyes, no blond hair, no hot hands and all this is just the result of the malfunctioning of the enraged neural connections in my diseased brain? .. »

\- "Cos?" Lexa called softly.

\- "What, kitten?"

\- “No, nothing.” Lexa hesitated and changed her mind to ask her former lover if there really was a blonde named Clarke Collins in this world. Hearing both possible answers to this question was equally terrifying. - "Is it far to the car?"

\- "Tired?" Costia hugged Lexa around the waist and hugged tightly. - "Already close, at that pillar, see?"

\- “Uh-huh,” Lexa nodded and focused on legs, braiding with weakness. - "Why do these pills have so many side effects? I feel like a snake-man at the peak of my career ... And I want to sleep all the time ..."

\- "Be patient, dear," they finally got to the car, and Cos, sitting Lexa in the back seat, carefully wrapped with a blanket. - "But the attacks have almost stopped."

\- "That's right, almost."

\- “Don’t grumble,” said Costia, getting behind the wheel. - "Do you want us to come to your office? We are on the way."

\- "What for?" Lexa asked indifferently.

\- "Take your notes for work. Your assistant was able to reschedule all the meetings for another week, but then you have a rather tight schedule, you need to prepare.

\- “I won't be consulting anymore,” Lexa said, and stared blankly out the window.

\- “Nonsense, Lex,” said Costia. - "It is clear that now you do not want anything, but this is a temporary phenomenon ... Soon the pills will begin to work in full force, you will get used to them a little, you will stop fall..."

\- "So what?"

\- "And nothing. You will be able to return to normal life: you will work, consult, keep your favorite blog, there, by the way, readers are indignant about the last article. If you want to know my opinion, then there are really a lot of controversial points in it, and the evidence base, I'm sorry, is rather weak."

\- "It happens."

\- "What happens?" Costia jumped up irritably.

\- “Everything happens,” Lexa explained vaguely. - "Anything."

\- “You don’t want to tell me anything?” Cos asked after some silence.

\- "For example?"

\- “For example, where did your… um… Clarke go? Why isn't she here?"

\- “Oh, so she exists…” Lexa chuckled. - "And I was already beginning to worry about my mental health."

\- "What does it mean?" Costia frowned.

Lexa shrugged and twisted her head restlessly to the sides. 

\- "She left me. Just like you once ... Apparently, I messed up a lot in past lives, since the universe teaches me the same lesson so persistently ... Where are we? .. Why is it dark? .. Cos, why is it dark?!" Lexa shouted in panic, and Costia, cursing, added gas, trying to get out of the long tunnel at the exit from the city as soon as possible.

\- "Everything is fine, honey, do you hear? It's okay,” Cos tried to reassure Lexa as the car finally emerged into the light of day.  
But Lexa no longer heard anything, covering face with hands, she quickly swayed whole body from side to side, trying to escape from the blackness that inevitably approached her from all sides. Costia, seeing this, jerked the car to the side of the road and, turning on the emergency lights, jumped out of the car ...

At home, Lexa, emasculated by another seizure, ignored the cats who had rushed to greet the long-absent owner of the cats and went straight to the bedroom, where she collapsed on the bed and immediately fell into a deep sleep. So deep that she didn’t even feel how Costia was dressing her up in home clothes, and Eeyore and BigEyed, pushing and hissing at each other, were join next to her.

Lexa woke up far after midnight and lay for a long time, looking into the face of Costia, who was peacefully sleeping next to her. Then, reaching out hand, she gently touched Cos with cold thin fingers to the lips of her former mistress and whispered barely audibly:

\- "Thank you…"  
Cos, as if she had heard, opened eyes dim from sleep and asked hoarsely:

\- "What happened? You feel bad?"

\- "No," Lexa shook head and, reaching out, kissed Costia lightly on the corner of her lips. - “I just wanted to thank you ... for everything ..."

\- "Honey ..." Cos muttered and kissed Lexa back, gradually taking possession of her lips and tongue. - "My beloved ... I missed you so much ... I dreamed of you all these months ... I want you very much ..."  
Lexa silently responded to the kisses and touches of Costia, but the excitement did not appear, the body pumped up with killer pills did not want any love, no affection, no warmth. Feeling very dizzy, Lexa pulled back and quietly said:

\- "Don't, Cos ... I don't want to."

\- "Because of her?" asked Costia, whose strong desire was betrayed only by the mad look of eyes darkened with passion.

\- "No I just do not want to. Probably because of these pills. Forgive me…"

\- "That's okey. It will pass,” Costia exhaled convulsively and stroked her friend through tangled dry hair with a trembling hand. - "Let’s wash your hair tomorrow? If you feel good."

\- “Let's,” Lexa agreed, and after a pause added, - “How can you want me? I look awful ... They put more beautifully in a coffin."

\- "Don't talk nonsense, you look fine."

\- "Normal for a zombie apocalypse?"

\- "Frrrr ..." Costia rolled eyes.

\- “And the gray hair has appeared,” Lexa said thoughtfully.  
\- "How to paint over it now?"

\- "The same thing that all people do, hair dye.

\- “I don’t use this chemical muck, you know."

\- "So, walk like that. Or find another Clarke on your ass and turn gray completely, it will look very original," the ex could not resist the joke.

\- “Stop it,” Lexa said.

\- "I will stop, if you, in turn, stop tormenting yourself with thoughts about her."

\- "I'm not tormenting."

\- “As if i can't see it. As you pondering, like..." Costia, obviously starting to boil, grimaced indignantly.

\- “I love her, Cos,” Lexa said seriously. - "And it seemed to me that she, too, has some feelings for me. Apparently, it just seemed ..."

\- "Oh, wow..." Costia held out and, in a fit of Christian love for her neighbor, whispered pitifully: - "Why are you so unlucky, kitten? First with me, now with her ... Why did you quarrel?"

\- “We didn't quarrel…” Lexa concentrated eyebrows to the bridge of nose and returned to the itchy background of the thought of why Clarke did this to her. - "She ... She went home to collect things and did not return. I called her then ... that night ... she immediately hung up. And sms ... sms sent so that I would not call her again. As if I was a maniac and chased her for months ... Why is that?" Lexa looked puzzled at the former with a confused look. - "Was it really impossible to talk humanly? Tell me, do I deserve this, like this, silently, without explanation?"

\- “Of course you don’t deserve it, honey.” Cos stroked Lexa's cheek soothingly. - “Your Clarke is just the last rubbish."

\- "Don't say that. She probably had a reason for doing this ... She didn't finish therapy with Greg, maybe that's the point ..."

\- “Oh,” Costia sighed. - “You know, Lexa, I’ll sign you up for some bitchiness course. How much can you understand and justify everyone? Who would understand you."

\- “You understand me,” Lexa smiled bleakly, gathering her last strength for emotion.

\- “Not always,” Costia shook head. - “Sometimes I can't keep up with the migration of your cockroaches."

\- "Who would say ... Yours migrate no less chaotically," Lexa shrugged her shoulders chilly. - "I'm cold…"

\- "Wait, kitten," Costia got up and took out another blanket from the closet. Having wrapped Lexa, she affectionately, motherly, kissed her on the forehead.  
\- "You will keep sleep?"

\- "Uh-huh ... Where are my cats?"

\- "Here. BigEyed is in the legs, and Eeyore is torn closer to the head."

\- “Let him come,” Lexa said sleepily. - "He's warm."

*****

\- “Lexa, we need to decide something about this,” Cos said, stuffing a bag of hygiene items into her suitcase. - "I cannot break into many small Costia's and be in several places at the same time. The vacation is over and I have to go home. I can't, you know, I can't stay ... But leave you here alone ... So how you order me to multiply?"

\- “Everything will be fine, Cos, don’t worry,” Lexa smiled deliberately cheerfully, trying to calm her upset ex. - “I feel great, really. See, I even cleaned up the bedroom a little."

\- "Yeah, after I sawed a hole in you," Costia sighed and dragged the suitcase to the door. - “You’ll be overgrown with mud here without me and you’ll starve to death. Please come with me to Chicago ... my heart is out of place, Lex..."

\- "Where do you have it? In the heel?" Lexa asked curiously.

\- "Very funny," Costia muttered and, taking her friend by the hand, took her to the kitchen. - "Look: this is a refrigerator ... And in the refrigerator there are a lot of all kinds of food, and you will not believe it, but it must be consumed through the mouth into the stomach."

\- “Okay, I'll do it,” Lexa promised. -"Although, you know, I'm thinking of switching to a raw food diet. Very convenient: no need to cook, no need to wash dishes ..."

\- "Maybe there is no need to eat?" Cos asked sarcastically. - "Is everything absorbed from the air?"

\- “No, when out of thin air is prano-eating,” Lexa answered. - "You, Costia, are a surprisingly dark person, how can you not know such things?"

\- "But you advanced for the two of us," the ex, puzzled, rubbed the bridge of nose and continued to distribute valuable instructions:  
\- "So, we will assume that we figured out the food. Let's go further... With the cleaning, see for yourself, if you have the strength, then maintain at least some minimal order, and if not, forget it ... I'll come back in the weekend and clean up. In general, you need to find someone who can help you with the housework for now ... Some woman in the neighborhood, or what ... Damn, why didn't i think about it earlier?.."

\- "Cos, I don't need any women in the neighborhood, I'm not disabled."

\- "Of course, not disabled," agreed Costia. - “You just need a little help from other people right now."

\- “I can handle it myself,” Lexa said stubbornly, and crossed arms.

\- "Okay, let's see, don't be mad... Do you remember when you see a doctor?"

\- "On Monday ... Do you remember what time your plane was? There the taxi driver has already cursed you, probably."

\- “Damn right,” Cos glanced at her watch and threw into a hug. - "I will call every day morning and evening, do you hear? And just dare to forget your phone somewhere.... "

\- “I’ll wear it on a string,” Lexa grunted, escorting her friend to the door. - "Without parting for a moment."

\- “And more careful in the shower…” Costia remembered on the street. - "One split eyebrow is enough for us."

\- “This soap itself jumped at my feet, I swear to you,” Lexa made an honest face and shivered chilly. - "Brrr, how cold it is outside."

\- "Autumn," Costia shrugged shoulders and kissed Lexa on the lips across the threshold. - "Go for a walk sometime, okay?"

\- “All right,” Lexa promised, and after Cos left, she closed the door.

For the next two and a half months, she lived as if in a cosmic void: she did not want anything, did not think about anything, did not write to her blog and did not advise anyone, and spent all the time free from doctor visits and rare Costia's visits, spent in bed under a warm blanket , additionally warmed on both sides by the Eeyore and the BigEyed. She got out for a walk only once, in the same place with half-handed squirrels, which Clarke showed her. Standing in a light coat in the piercing November wind, Lexa fed small fluffy animals with nuts and thought that this abandoned area, overgrown with fir trees resting against the gloomy sky, was the best fit for her current state: her soul was also empty, gloomy and lifeless. And even the memory of the blonde who tried to drag her under that bush over there left Lexa indifferent.

«Was it really?» thought Lexa, glancing over the young pine growth, which gradually overgrown all the free space. «And if there was, then, it turns out, did not mean anything to her? Another mask ... Ha-ha, hee-hee, what a lovely bush ... And what is it real? Whom have I loved so selflessly, so selflessly? I love? .. What a great acting, damn it ... what talents are lost ... Okay, enough self-talk ... Wow, like a young pine forest, soon everything will be overgrown with a continuous forest here ... For the better, probably» and, trying not to advance on thin flexible pines, Lexa slowly wandered to the house, so that, having fed her body with several apricots soaked in water, she would again fall into bed.

So, insensitive, deaf to everything, she lay in bed until Christmas, and then reluctantly climbed out of the den and began to play the role of a hospitable hostess, Costia and her daughter came for a long vacation. While the ex, grumbling harmlessly, tidied up the house, neglected to disgrace, Lexa, avoiding communication with her, enjoyed spending time with Sue, amazed at how such a serious, thoughtful person grew out of a little girl she knew in Chicago. For a long time, talking about a variety of things, they walked around the neighborhood, not paying attention to the frequent rains and the cold doggy, and then, under Costia's displeased need about colds and sore throats, they dried themselves by the fire revived in the fireplace.

Susan, seriously interested in American literature of the early and mid-twentieth century, shared her thoughts on the work of Faulkner, Fitzgerald and Hemingway, finding in the person of Lexa an interesting and well-read interlocutor. Agreeing that old Ham is a little simple, and Faulkner is too complicated, they came to the conclusion that «This Side of Paradise» is the best work of all times and peoples, and even one evening they arranged a kind of literary readings of this novel, driving an indifferent to the high art of Costia. Then, however, Lexa committed a small sabotage against the beloved Susan's author and slipped her adored Vonnegut to the girl, whom she could read and reread endlessly, rubbing books to holes. After public readings of «Breakfast for Champions» Cos grabbed head and anathematized the author, and his, frankly, strange compositions, groaning that in her teenage years she had read the party-consistency To «Kill a Mockingbird» or «the innocent impressionist Wine from Dandelions», and not any perverts from literature. Pleased with herself, Lexa only chuckled quietly, and Costia, gradually observing her friend, rejoiced at her interest in at least something and prayed to God that this interest would be the first harbinger of a return to normal life.

\- “I think we should go somewhere together for the last,” Cos said at breakfast on the penultimate day before leaving. - "Cause we sit at home, like some owls ..."

\- "For example?" asked in chorus Lexa and Susan, who have already visited several exhibitions, and in the theater, and even in the cinema on the sensational blockbuster.

\- “I saw the poster,” Cos said gravely. - "«Contemporary photography through the eyes of women.» Something like this."

\- "What's wrong with the eyes of women?" Lexa snorted. - "Do they have a total squint?"

\- "They have, that, pah on you, we have a different sensory perception of information, including visual."

\- "No way?" Lexa stared, fooling around. - "Cos, is it described somewhere? No? You can be the first, do you hear? Nobel Prize for you provided."

\- “Stop joking,” Costia laughed. - "You deteriorate my child."

\- “Child,” Lexa said to Susan, - “shall we go differently to perceive visual information sensually or sit at home?"

\- “Let's go,” Sue nodded. - "Or then mom will be offended."

\- "Then about five we need to leave. Opening at six, while we get together, we'll be a little late so as not to push…" Costia planned. - "Lex, you can get behind the wheel?"

\- “No,” Lexa hesitated, uncertainly. - "No, I don't want to."

\- "Well, okay," the ex did not insist. - "So, girls, go for a walk, and I will take care of lunch. Do you have any special requests?"

\- "Nope," answered Susan for everyone and dragged Lexa out into the street, to fix the birdhouse found in the «closet of Bluebeard» the day before. Needless to say, the renovation was marked by a hammer blow on a child's finger, after which Costia asked to find a less traumatic occupation, her daughter would still be useful to her in old age: give a glass of water, give birth to grandchildren, and so, you know, on trifles.

Offended in their best feelings, the «subordinates» began to wander around the house senselessly, not knowing where to apply their Kulibin impulses. Finally, Sue sat down at her laptop and began reading Lexa's blog, at the same time bombarding her with questions about incomprehensible terms or asking for comment on an article. At first Lexa was reluctant to answer, but then, getting involved, she began to enthusiastically tell the teenager about what she knew best in the world: about fears and phobias, which, of course, turn a person's life into hell, but sometimes the experience they caused helps to find a new path in life or to rethink what is commonly called eternal values. That is why a person who has lived through his fear will never remain the same, but did he not run away from his former «self» into this horror, tearing his heart? ..

Voicing this rhetorical question, Lexa fell silent and thought about her own fears of cold and darkness, which she stubbornly clung, trying to keep the old Alexandria Hart intact. «What if i let go of myrself?» she thought. «To admit that the old me is no longer and never will be? Yes, scary ... Yes, cold and dark ... But, it seems, is inevitable ... And what kind of will I still be? Perhaps it is in my power to make this stranger, still unknown to me, happy? Just like that ... With myself ... Here and now ... ».  
Realizing this thought, Lexa apologized to Susan and went up to her bedroom, where for the first time in months she sat on the floor in an easy meditation position and, anticipating release, closed eyes. From a state of blissful thoughtlessness, in which even the constant thought of Clarke was dissolved, Costia brought her out, categorically demanding that she return from nirvana and honor their modest dinner with her presence, after which they all need to gather for an exhibition so as not to miss such a significant event. 

Lexa, feeling the long-forgotten peace and tranquility, easily jumped to feet and almost skipping down the stairs to the kitchen, by the way, wanted to eat too mercilessly ...

*****

The people, eager to join the beautiful and perceive all the available visual information through the eyes of a woman, turned out to be a lot, so much so that Lexa, weaned from a large number of people, was immediately confused and convulsively grabbed Susan's hand, not letting her go a single step. Costia, having noticed an impromptu bar with strong and not very strong drinks in the corner of the hall, began to loudly lament over the imperfection of the world, in which a woman who came to an event with a teetotal friend cannot fully enjoy all the delights of life and drink enough French cognac.

\- "Oh, Cos, stop," Lexa smiled, instantly cutting through the shtick. - “You just want me to get behind the wheel."

\- “I just want to relax a little,” the ex replied. - "Can i?"

\- “All right, you can,” Lexa said. - "But what about the photos? When will you begin to perceive them sensually?"

\- "A little later," Cos waved her hand and went to the bar. - "If anything, you know where to find me."

\- “Yeah,” Lexa sighed. - "Well, Sue, shall we enjoy?"

And they slowly walked through the crowd of people past photographic canvases, each of which captured a moment that became interesting to one or another woman photographer. Having passed half of the exhibition, Lexa still did not understand why the female gaze through the camera's viewfinder is so radically different from the male, and was already about to ask Susan about this, when suddenly, faltering, froze in place.  
Clarke and Finn stood in front, literally five paces away, in front of a photographic image of the cityscape, he with one hand resting on a cane, and with the other tightly gripping his wife's hand. The blonde, outwardly quite happy with life, said something to her husband with an affectionate smile, and then, having finished the phrase and feeling someone else's attention, slowly turned her head towards Lexa.

Their gazes met, and the familiar hum of bees filled the surrounding space, erasing reality, leaving them alone in a crowded hall. Clarke's eyes widened and froze in fascination, she without looking up, looked at Lexa, as if absorbing every detail of her new appearance. Lexa, noticing that something like pity flashed in her blue eyes, flushed and suddenly saw herself as if from the outside: thin, pale, with blue under her eyes ... And even to the pile, gray hair flashed here and there in brittle lifeless hair. «Beauty!..» Lexa thought sarcastically, and with a wry smile cut off eye contact. Turning abruptly on her heels, she pulled Sue's hand and, feeling an intense, anxious look on her, rushed to the bar, Costia would have to interrupt her pleasant pastime and take them home. Immediately.


	17. And with what measure you measure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry English is not my language, with beta the problem they do not have much time, I really try, I hope you like it, thank you anyway

After meeting at the exhibition, Lexa, contrary to the expectations of Costia who was afraid of relapses of the disease, on the contrary, Lexa somehow calmed down, got out of her head the constant itchy splinter of thoughts about Clarke and began to rebuild life, no longer looking back, it turns out that all this time she was latently waiting, that the blonde would call or come or write, and therefore could not let go of the situation, mentally living it over and over again. Now, having ticked the «lived through» box, she looked around with enthusiasm and developed a vigorous activity to change her being, which, as you know, determines consciousness.  
First of all, Lexa dismantled «Bluebeard's closet», throwing half of the things in the trash, and actually giving away the other to neighbors under the guise of a garage sale. She put the old letters, papers and diaries into a waterproof box, which she dragged into the basement, her hand did not rise to throw away someone else's memory. The fleeting thought that these documents could be sent to Clarke with a valuable parcel post and thereby remind her of her existence was ruthlessly suppressed in the bud, to nothing.

Having finished with the analysis of the secret room, Lexa, on a wave of euphoria from the accomplishment of such a long-awaited event, decided not to stop there and put the whole house in order. And for two months she went crazy with the clatter of hammers and the squeal of punchers, while the workers demolished the walls, combining the kitchen and living room, and also cut through huge windows into the garden, from which in early spring it was through wind,  
this Lexa experienced herself when she spent the night in sleeping bag right on the floor of their newly built living room kitchen, giving builders the opportunity to tidy up the second floor.

Almost all the savings were spent on repairs and new furnishings, but Lexa was happy - the house looked like candy and no longer wanted to collapse from the slightest breath of wind, threatening to bury its rightful owner under its ruins. Having looked at the creation of her own hands (well, or almost her own), she, like the Creator, said with satisfaction «this is good» and began to strategically plan measures to transform her own piece of land. There was a lot of work in the garden, but there was a whole summer ahead, and Lexa was happy to look forward to how she would trim the trees, trim the hedges and lawn, plant such beautiful yellow or blue flowers (what are they called?) And fluffy moss, as well as smash a small sekitei somewhere in a secluded corner.  
In parallel with all these pleasant troubles, Lexa began to give advice little by little, taking on the easiest cases that did not require much effort, but gradually, feeling confidence and excitement, resumed her professional activities in full. And she never tired of thanking Costia, mentally and in words, for the fact that she, paying for the months of downtime, still kept her study and assistant, without whom she would have to start all over again from scratch.

So now, eight months after that pivotal meeting at the exhibition, Lexa is back to where she started to face the karmic inevitability named Clarke Collins. And all that was left for her was to go her own way further, hoping that the exam of the universe was passed at least for a «C» and would no longer require retaking. However, there will still be so many meetings and lessons, exams and re-examinations, tangled knots and a smooth web of being ahead that sooner or later this, seemingly so significant now, life episode will fade and be erased from memory, leaving neither bitterness nor regret, nothing. Any present sooner or later becomes the past, this is what Lexa has learned from now on firmly.  
And, having learned, she suddenly realized that she was ready to give birth and raise a child alone, because waiting for a princess on a white horse can be spent hundreds of years without experiencing the joy of motherhood. Not to mention the fact that there were plenty of princesses and queens, as well as other persons of blue blood ...

Having made such an important decision, Lexa began to think about her women's health, which, after an illness and taking killer anticonvulsants, clearly left much to be desired: the cycle became irregular, and menstruation was very painful. It was necessary to do something about this, and Lexa, with her characteristic pedantry, introduced into daily practice a complex of asanas to awaken female energy, which after a couple of months she did not know what to do with: she constantly wanted to take care of someone or climb a tree and build a nest ... At the very peak of this «brooding complex», Lexa went to see a fertility doctor, and then, having passed the necessary examinations, one fine day she was lying in a gynecological chair, nervously watching on the monitor how an unfamiliar woman in a blue uniform, covering half of her face with a medical mask, injects into her uterus through a catheter some dubious pink solution.  
It was hard to believe in the miracle of conception after this, but Lexa, by an effort of will, banishing all sarcastic thoughts from her head, for the next two weeks wore herself as an invaluable Chinese vase of the Qing era, afraid to spill the nascent life inside. However, on the sixteenth day after ovulation, it became clear that there was nothing to spill, and the upset Lexa was about to cry in the bathroom when she suddenly heard a loud knock on the door.

\- "Who's pounding like that?" Lexa muttered irritably as she walked down the stairs. - "There is a bell ... And I'm not deaf. I'm coming!.."

And Lexa, finally angry at the intruder, who not only did not let the unfortunate woman disappointed in reproductive technologies cry, but also behaved like an enraged woodpecker, she opened the door wide, almost hitting the blonde waiting on the porch on the forehead.

Clarke stood with her hands in the back pockets of her jeans, shifting nervously from foot to foot. The setting sun hit in her back, so brightly that Lexa closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened her eyes, for some reason she could only see the details: an uneven reddish tan, locks of hair that had faded to whiteness, a scattering of red cannabis on the bridge of her nose, blue jeans and a covered white T-shirt chest, and on the T-shirt a large coffee stain is clearly not the first fresh. Putting together the image of the blonde from the available details, Lexa mentally stumbled over this stain and raised an eyebrow in surprise.

\- “Hi,” Clarke said barely audibly.

\- “Hello,” Lexa replied, involuntarily crossing her arms over her chest.

\- "Will you let me in?"

\- "Come in," Lexa stepped aside, giving a passage. - "Would you like something? Tea? Coffee?"

\- “I’ll probably get a little poisoned by my coffee if you don’t lecture me,” Clarke smiled timidly.

\- “It's your business,” Lexa said indifferently. She shrugged her shoulders chilly and went into the kitchen. The blonde followed her.

\- "Are you freezing again?" Clarke asked anxiously as she watched Lexa making coffee.

\- "Yes, a little," Lexa looked briefly at her trembling hands and grinned: the body, unlike the soul, remembered its grievances much longer.

\- "It's because of me?"

\- “Yes, it’s because of you,” Lexa said calmly, without taking her eyes off the Turk. - "Neuroses, such things. They never leave us."

\- "Lex ... I'm sorry," the blonde said quietly.

\- “I’m not angry with you, Clarke. Honestly," Lexa put a cup of hot aromatic drink on the table. - "Your coffee."

\- "Thank you. Where are the bandits?"

\- “Somewhere in the garden,” Lexa shrugged. - “They have mole hunting season. They dug up all the flower beds, parasites."

\- "Who are the parasites, moles or cats?" Clarke asked with the same shy smile.

\- “Everyone,” Lexa snapped. - "They ruined my roses. I will never forgive."

\- "Oh," the blonde already laughed out loud, - "are you interested in gardening?"

\- “I just got my garden and house in order at last,” Lexa replied coldly. - “And I won't let anyone else ruin everything."

Hearing this, Clarke choked on laughter and both women fell silent. The silence was viscous, heavy and prickly, like a curtain of glass wool, through which you can break through only by being wounded by small fragments and breathing in glass dust.

\- "Lex ..." Clarke broke the silence. - "I want to tell you something."

\- "I'm listening carefully."

\- “You see, I almost left Finn then…” the blonde began, nervously twisting a cup of cooling coffee around its axis. - "All day I collected and packed things, waited for him from work and scrolled in my head what and how I would say, what he would say and how he would react to the fact that you and I were together ... And so he came ... barely crossed the threshold, as I was such an honest idiot, threw it all on him ... I hate myself for the tone and words ... And he walked into the living room, sat on the sofa, covered his face with his hands and cried ... like ... like a child. And for the first time I suddenly realized that in recent months I had treated him like a pig, like a mannequin who has neither soul, nor feelings, nor experiences ... And he is the same ... the same as we all do when we don't wear masks, a little frightened boy who wants only one thing, to be loved ... And I sat down next to him, pitied him, consoled him, said all sorts of nonsense that everything would be fine, that he would still meet a woman who would love him the way he deserves ... Then ... then he ran into the bedroom and brought a box with our photographs: from a wedding, from vacations, as a student ... And he began to remember our best, brightest moments ... there really were a lot of them, no matter what ... Lord, I am most of didn't remember them, but he… he did…” Clarke caught her breath. - "And then ... here you called ... And it was as if I was torn into two halves: one with all my heart was torn here, to you, and the other ... the other was firmly attached to Finn ... People do not live in halves, Lex ... I wanted to stay with him until the next day and then, when he calms down a little, leave, but you did not answer the calls and these stupid SMS ... I began to worry, ran ... started collecting things again ... Finn, seeing this, began to follow me, grab my hands that something to say ... and when he realized that I was going to leave, he started yelling nasty things about you, about you and me ... yelling so viciously, until the crimson blue ... And suddenly he fell silent, began to fall over ... At first I did not understand anything, I watched him, he's like drunk, shakes his head and looks for something to catch on ... It was like in a bad dream, like in a recurring nightmare from night to night ... The ambulance drove for ten minutes, and he kept trying to get up ... and he could not ... and this horror and misunderstanding in his eyes ... caught my hands and tried to something to say ... and could not ... and so it was ... it was so scary, Lex ... He was dying in my arms, like used to die ... Mom," Clarke swallowed convulsively, and Lexa realized how difficult this word was given to her instead of the usual «my mother» and «she». - "And again I was to blame for everything ... Only I ... It was a payback, for that I never loved, for stealing ten years of his life, for being so happy with you ... I was driving behind ambulance help on taxi and prayed to God, the universe, the Universe so that he survived ... And promised myself that I would love, take care, make up for all that was lost over the years ... and ... and that I would never meet with you again ... Anything, if only he survived ... Because otherwise ... otherwise this guilt would have killed me, crushed me like a cockroach ..." Clarke sighed convulsively and unclenched her fists, clenched to white knuckles. Having calmed down a little, she continued: - "Greg later said that at that moment I had a powerful «rollback», after which a new round of neurosis began, and all our previous work went to dust. I don't really understand this, but you ..." the blonde looked imploringly at Lexa, - "you probably understand ..."

Lexa nodded slowly: yes, she understood. It was only now that she understood what had to be understood a long time ago: even when Clarke so shamelessly offered sex in exchange for the opportunity to be close, next to the only person who, by her very presence, drove away the demons of fear and death tormenting her. Because even then this little courageous girl, who had been coping alone for so many years, crossed the line beyond which the concepts of morality, morality and ethics do not exist, but the naked instinct of self-preservation remains, capable of building only the simplest logical chains. So simple that even a single, celled one would disdain them: for example, «I need Lexa - Lexa needs sex - I will give her sex to be with her and survive» or «Finn dies because of me - I will not leave and I will not be happy. Then Finn will recover and I can survive.» Survive, survive, survive ... at any cost. In any way. And all this is on the seamy side of consciousness, without understanding and comprehension, on one of the most ancient instincts ...  
«How could I not have noticed?» Lexa thought in shock, looking at Clarke's neck stretched tensely in her direction. «Am I really so fixated on my feelings for her that I did not see the obvious: how she hides her pain and loneliness under feigned bravado, how desperately tries to be here and now, when fear and guilt are pulling back, to distant childhood, from which, whatever one may say, the legs of all our troubles, complexes and unforgiven grievances grow ... Why did I go to bed with her? She didn't want that ... She was just scared of Costia's arrival and came to make her sacrifice in the name of survival. Yes, she liked it, yes, it was good, but then ... then it only got worse ...».

\- “Everything really got worse…” Clarke said without waiting for any words from Lexa and as if overhearing her thoughts. - "But not at once. At first I was very busy: nursing Finn, he had a stroke, and his entire right side was paralyzed, his leg still does not work in full force ... Moreover, his father came and also came down with a heart attack ... All this was too much for me alone , but I clutched at everything, pulled on the care of two seriously ill people, just to get away from thinking about you, about how you perceived my disappearance ... I did not think that this ... that it would have such an effect on you ... You were always so calm, so strong, so confident ... If I knew, Lex ..."

\- "Knew what?" asked Lexa.

\- "That you got sick ... because of me ..."

\- "Where did you get that?" Lexa asked dryly. - "I had a bunch of problems without you, from which i can get sick."

\- "Costia said ..."

\- "Costia?"

\- "After that meeting at the exhibition, I wrote to her and asked what was happening to you ... Why ... why do you look so bad ... Well, she answered me," Clarke grinned wryly. - "First, she poured out a bucket of slops, and then said that you started having seizures and that it was my fault ... And so that I did not dare to approach you closer than a cannon shot ... But I did not dare ... How could I, after what i did to you? .. Do you remember how self-confident I judged Costia? .. And now I myself did the same to you ... worse. Truly: do not judge, you will not be judged ... and with what measure you measure, this will be measured to you too ..." the blonde fell silent and, drooping her head, stared blankly at her tightly clenched hands, like a criminal awaiting sentencing.

Lexa was also silent, not knowing what to say. If Clarke had come then, in the early days of her illness, Lexa would have accepted her without a word, because she needed her. If she had appeared later, after meeting at the exhibition, she would have been sent on a long erotic journey. And now ... now Lexa didn’t care, and she didn’t find anything in her soul but an abstract sympathy for the person who, having once stumbled, now forgives her sins, not really hoping for forgiveness.

\- “Lord, Lex,” the blonde said barely audibly, realizing that Lexa would keep silent, - “I came here then, to your house, and just looked at you from afar. I would give everything, that you be healthy and happy ... But I ... I had nothing. In this state, I could only destroy… destroy everything I touch… Please say something…” Clarke pleaded.

\- "Um ..." Lexa tried to collect her thoughts. - "So what's the bottom line with Finn? Are the forecasts favorable?"

\- “Yes,” the blonde replied. - "He almost recovered, only the leg ..."

\- “I'm glad,” Lexa said, although she didn't care.

\- "We are now divorced. But we still live together, because the apartment is not for sale in any way."

\- "That's how?"

\- "Yes ... It's almost half a year now," Clarke took a deep breath and seemed to be about to start new portions of revelations. - "You see, we became very close during this time ... emotionally, I mean ... But I could not go to bed with him. After what we had with you, I couldn't ... Because every word I said and every touch was true ... the truth that we never had with Finn and could not have been. When I realized this, I immediately filed for divorce."

\- “Let's not talk about it,” Lexa winced. - "As far as I understand, you still underwent therapy? Or did you do it yourself?"

\- “I myself would only tie a rope in that state,” Clarke grinned. - "I'm still in therapy. I go to Greg twice a week, like to work. I just recently left for California for two weeks."

\- "On vacation?" Lexa raised her eyebrows.

\- "No ..." the blonde smiled shyly. - "My father lives there. And two half-brothers, as it turned out ... Such two-meter longs, you know ... Good guys."

\- “Oh, that's great,” Lexa said sincerely. - "Now you are not alone in the whole wide world."

\- "Yes ... And Greg says that this is a huge step forward ... Well, the fact that I was able to forgive him."

\- “This is really important,” Lexa confirmed. - "Excuse me, but I am also a bit of a psychologist and already tired of your pacing around the bush. Apparently, now you and Greg have a stage of working out our relationship with you, and you came to tell me about your feelings and ask for forgiveness. Right?"

\- "No," Clarke shook her head. - "Mean, this too ... but not only. The point is ... The point is, it took me a long time to understand my true feelings and desires. And I made many mistakes on the way to myself. But now ... now I know exactly what I want ..."

\- "And what do you want?" Lexa asked without much interest.

\- “I want to be with you, Lex,” Clarke said firmly. - "Here and now. I want to live with you, fall asleep and wake up next to you ... I want to give birth to your child ... I want to take care of you and make you happy. Everyday. I understand that after what I have done ... that it may not be possible ... But please give me a chance ... and I will prove ... I will do everything ... Oh my God ... Lexa..." the blonde covered her face with her hands and fell silent.

Lexa stood motionless by the stove and looked at her with the cold unblinking gaze of a basilisk. She understood that she needed to answer something, but her head was surprisingly empty, only the thought that Clarke would now leave and everything would return to normal - probably for the better.

\- "Why are you silent?" finally asked the blonde, taking her hands from her face.

\- “I don’t know ...” Lexa walked over to the window and, wrapping her arms around her shoulders, stared unseen into the garden. - “I don’t know if I want the same ... with you."

\- "I love you ..." Clarke suddenly breathed out desperately, and Lexa, turning around, looked closely at the blonde.

Clarke got up from the table and went to her friend. Taking Lexa's limp, trembling hands in hers, she raised them to her lips and gently kissed her open palms, first one, then the other. This gentle loving gesture broke through the dam of indifference, and Lexa felt sick from the surging memories that she seemed to have hidden so far. In these memories, cleared of pain and resentment by time, there was only Clarke: happily hugging an old oak tree; crushed and humiliated by her husband's assault; turning around before getting into a taxi to leave and never come back. Her words, which were true and false at the same time, her hot hands, tender lips, soft hair and a sweet smell, which now, close up, was still intoxicating, causing an attack of dizziness.

\- “Be happy, honey,” Clarke whispered and turned to leave. Lexa convulsively grabbed her friend by the shoulder, and at the same instant the blonde, sobbing, was in her arms, pressing her whole body, habitually burying her nose somewhere in the collarbone region.

\- "Well, why are you crying?" Lexa asked, stroking Clarke's hair uncertainly. - "All good ..."

\- “I don’t… I don’t know,” the blonde hiccupped. - "Cr ... Crying... Forgive me ... Please forgive me ..."

\- “I'll try,” Lexa said. - “It's just all this… not all at once."

\- "I will do everything for this ... And I will wait as long as necessary," Clarke pulled back a little and again brought her hands to her lips. - "How much will it take, do you hear? .."

*****

For the first two months, the blonde visited Lexa on short visits, she came early in the morning, almost forcibly fed her friend with her own breakfast (and, to be honest, Lexa has never tried anything worse in her life), braided her hair and escorted her to work, and in the evening, meeting and kissing her goodbye, went home. If she stayed overnight, then each time she asked permission and dutifully made a bed for herself in the living room on a new wide sofa, which, unlike the old one - uncomfortable and lumpy, did not tie them in any way. Then they became close again, but this closeness did not bring them joy: Lexa clearly overpowered herself, trying to force her offended body to respond to the kisses and touches of the blonde, and Clarke realizing this, cried long and bitterly, begging for forgiveness.  
But, nevertheless, after this night, full of tears and revelations, Lexa offered Clarke to move, and the blonde gradually moved things, filling the entire living space with her junk, Lexa was only amazed, bumping into other people's combs, winter boots or Underwear. It seemed that in this house things scattered from the blonde in different directions, and the blonde often, getting ready for somewhere, ran from room to room, looking for her favorite bra, or a cosmetic bag, or a folder with a manuscript or drafts. Lexa, who, on the other hand, after the experience had developed a manic passion for cleanliness and order, rushed after, removing the consequences of the passing tsunami. And for such dedication, on her thirty-second birthday, she received a cute ponytail piled from felt with a small postcard attached to it. «To the most boring donkey,» Lexa read the inscription made in the blonde’s gnarled handwriting, and for the rest of the day she kept her ears open, stopping Clarke's attempts to pin the tail where, as she thought, it belonged ...

It's a strange thing: living together did not in the least strain Lexa, accustomed to a bachelor existence, but in the first months of her life together, she often caught herself thinking that she did not believe to Clarke: neither her words, nor her actions, nor the touch of her hot hands. That she is afraid one day to return from work to an empty lifeless house. Or the fact that one far from perfect day the blonde will leave for New York and disappear, this time forever.  
These irrational, uncontrollable fears poisoned the joy of being in order, but time passed, and Clarke did not disappear anywhere, she was patient and caring, every night she tried to wake up her friend's body, silent after illness and taking medications, with gentle caresses, gently but resolutely suppressing any attempts to deliver pleasure to herself. And when Lexa nevertheless had some kind of faded semblance of orgasm, Clarke was in seventh heaven with happiness, which for some reason now always had a bitter taste of wormwood.

\- “I thought you'd never trust me again ...” the blonde whispered through her tears.   
\- "That would be awful ..."

\- “Don't cry,” Lexa said and stroked her cheek.

\- "I can't ..." Clarke sobbed. - "I miss you so much ... By your shining eyes ... By your joy and openness to this world, by your sarcasm, with which you met any difficulties, by your jokes about my voracity... And you are no longer call me a teddy bear cub... I destroyed everything ... with my own hands ..."

\- “Stop it,” Lexa said. - "Otherwise, we will have to hand you over to Greg again, for experiments.

\- "If it helps get you back, then I agree," Clarke smiled weakly.

\- "And then, you really began to eat less."

\- “It's because you stopped cooking, and my vegetarian concoction can only be consumed under anesthesia. Through an enema."

\- “Come on, not bad,” Lexa said listlessly.

\- "Where normal? You've got all your ribs sticking out ... And your nose.” Clarke ran her finger along Lexa's ribcage and sighed. - "That's it, from tomorrow I'm learning to cook."

\- “Don't,” Lexa said not too confidently. - "I'll cook something myself tomorrow."

\- "Seriously?" the blonde was delighted. - "And what?"

\- "What do you want?"

\- "I want scones with vegetables and strawberry jelly. And the pie ... the spinach pie. No, two pies."

\- "You won't burst?" Lexa asked mockingly.

\- "Nope."

\- "Okay ... For jelly need agar-agar ... And have to go to New York for it."

\- "I'll go. In the morning I will go and buy everything what need."

\- “So there will be jelly,” Lexa said, and yawned. - "Let's sleep?"

\- "Let's, honey," Clarke hugged her friend tightly and whispered in her ear: - "I love you, my donkey."

And almost immediately burying in Lexa's armpit fell asleep, and Lexa lay awake for a long time, thinking about her mother's ring, which she had once given to the wrong woman, it was him, the only material memory left from her mother, Costia wore, alternating with her wedding ring. Now it lay in a box with a few jewelry and waited for an hour when Lexa finally decided to put it on the ring finger of a blonde lady named Clarke Griffin. Or will not dare.  
«Hamlet's question,» Lexa chuckled and, taking off the blonde's leg, she carefully turned on her side. Clarke restlessly fiddled around and calmed down only when she put her limb back to its rightful place. «What a stubborn bear, even in a dream does not get off me ... And when the belly will be, she will put it on me too? .. Hmm ... Need to decide something with this, she is already thirty-four ... And thirty-five is not far off ... She doesn't say anything, of course, but I can see with what eyes she looks at the kids ... Damn, Lexa, don't be a rag, just put that damn ring on her finger and that's it ... without loud words and champagne ... How best to arrange it? Shove it in jelly tomorrow? A tooth will break ... Then will have to pay for the dentist, and the budget, by the way, will already be a family budget ... Damn, what am I thinking about? .. My brain is somehow wrongly arranged ... And if she betrays me again? No wonder they say: the betrayer will do it again one day ...» Lexa again wanted to change her position, and she twisted, trying to find a comfortable position.

\- "What happened? .." Clarke asked worriedly. - "Why are you not sleeping?.."

\- “I'm tired,” Lexa muttered. - "I can't find a place for myself."

\- “Come to me,” the blonde hugged her arms and legs, blocking all escape routes. - "That's better?"

\- “Worse,” Lexa replied grimly. - "I'm about to start a claustrophobic attack."

\- “Come on,” Clarke said and loosened her grip a little. - "What happened to you? What are you bothering about?"

\- "Hm ... I decide whether to propose to you or not ..."

\- "Is this… is this a joke?" the blonde's voice trembled slightly.

\- "What kind of jokes ..." Lexa sighed. - "Will you become my wife, Clarke? If yes, then I will have to drag my naked ass for the ring now ... Maybe you will pity me and say no?"

\- "Something else," Clarke began to push her friend out of bed. - "Where is my ring? Give two ..."

\- “Don't get it,” Lexa smiled and, getting up, walked over to the dressing table, on which stood a small box of sandalwood. Having began deliberately slowly to dig into it, Lexa gradually watched the blonde, who was sitting with her knees pulled up to her chin, and nervously stroking her shins with her palms.

\- “Here,” Lexa said, returning to bed and showing a clenched fist. - "Give me your hand."

Clarke looked at her pitifully and held out her left hand.

\- “Damn…” Lexa muttered to herself. - "A little bit big ... It's mom's."  
The blonde squelched.  
\- "Are you going to cry?" confused Lexa asked Clarke sternly.

\- “No,” the blonde said quietly, and immediately burst into tears, grabbing her future wife by the neck.

\- “What a stupid creature,” Lexa whispered affectionately, lying on her back and pulling the blonde over her. - "Wow, what a whiny bear cub I got ... I'll go back to the store, let them change ..."

\- "They won't take me ..." Clarke said through her tears.

\- "Why is that?"

\- "Because ... The stock cannot be exchanged and returned ..."

\- "What kind of action?" Lexa asked. - "Take one bear and get hemorrhoids for life for free?"

\- "Booger ..."

\- "Who?"

\- "You," Clarke poked Lexa in the shoulder and muttered indignantly, - "By the way, you didn't say ..."

\- "What exactly?"

\- "You know that yourself ..." the blonde muttered.

Lexa gently stroked her cheek, and then gazed into tear-stained blue eyes for a long time.

\- “I love you, silly,” the brunette finally said, kissing the newly baked bride on the corner of her lips.

\- “Need to pull all from you with ticks,” Clarke complained about her hard life.

\- “Yeah,” Lexa replied, and touched the magic speck under her beloved's left shoulder blade.   
\- "You know?"

\- "What?"

\- "There is a proposal to consider the engagement taken place, and the honeymoon has begun ..."

\- “I am for,” the blonde whispered and allowed herself to be drawn into a long, promising kiss.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria Hart is a consulting psychologist and a fairly popular blogger whose blog is dedicated to various phobias and fears, as well as methods of dealing with them.  
> One day a client appears on the threshold of her office, already unable to cope with her demons on her own.
> 
> Narration on behalf of Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of Здесь и сейчас by iPesto  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: iPesto  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4443279
> 
> Sorry English is not my language, with beta the problem they do not have much time, I really try, I hope you like it, thank you anyway

\- “No, it's inhuman,” Lexa said, and stroked Clarke's swollen tummy. - "You're going to be torn apart now. Maybe we won't do these injections, huh? Damn him, with this IVF ... Let's try another insemination?"

\- “We’ve tried it four times,” Clarke said. - "How much more? Come on already, if ..."

\- “This is clearly something abnormal,” Lexa grumbled, thrusting a pen into her wife’s stomach. - "You look like a balloon."

\- "Probably, there are many eggs ripening ... And each egg is our potential baby."

\- "Yeah ... If you don't burst before," Lexa sat down next to Clarke on the sofa, threw her legs over herself and grabbed the tablet. - "I don't like all this. Need to read."

\- "Well, read it," the blonde agreed listlessly.

\- "So ... Now ..." Lexa buried herself in the screen and began to methodically study the question that worried her.

\- "Lex?" Clarke broke the silence.

\- "Ahhh?"

\- "Why do you think it doesn't work?"

\- "Because some blonde teddy bears ask a lot of stupid questions ..."

\- "I'm serious ... Maybe I'm not destined at all? Maybe you try?"

\- “Listen,” Lexa said. - "Is that what you are now broadcasting to the universe?"

\- “I don’t know…” the blonde muttered. - "But it is quite possible that very soon I will send breakfast there ..."

\- "Poorly?"

\- "Uh-huh ..."

\- “That's enough,” Lexa said firmly. - "No more stimulation, you just cripple yourself with these artificial hormones."

\- "And what to do?"

\- "I know what to do. And I will make you."

\- "I won't do your yoga, I can't do it anyway," Clarke said capriciously.

\- “You will,” Lexa promised. - "Like a good girl."

And for the next three months Lexa drove her wife in the   
all my power, strenuously, forcing her to perform a complex of asanas for women's health twice a day. At first, Clarke squirmed on the rug, wailing and puffing, but then she pulled herself in and without any reminders or magic pendals began to study. Lexa, meanwhile, studied half of the world's web on sperm donation and came to the conclusion that fresh is still better than any frozen garbage in straws. And, as it turned out, finding an undisclosed product easier than ever, just putting word on a special forum, and a line of candidates will immediately line up for you, ready to share their sperm with those in need, sometimes even for free, that is, for nothing.

\- "You what?" Clarke goggled as his wife voiced her suggestions over dinner. - "What if they are sick there? Any HIV or syphilis? They are still checked in clinics ..."

\- "So we will check. He will hand over all the tests at our expense, provide earlier certificates for those diseases that have a long incubation period ... And then, you need to sort out in people ..."

\- "How to understand them?" Clarke was nervous. - "It is not written on his forehead that he is a carrier of hepatitis C."

\- "You know, if he is married and has two small healthy children, it means that he is not a carrier of any infection."

\- "Who are you talking about now?" The blonde asked suspiciously.

\- “No big deal...” Lexa waved her hand vaguely. - "I met one guy on the Fruitarian forum when I was trying to figure out what to feed you for better fertility. Well, he somehow became imbued with our problem, he himself offered help. The wife doesn't mind. True, he is now in Arkansas, but ..."

\- "What?   
The wife does not mind?" Clarke interrupted Lexa. - "What does it mean? Does she know that he is scattered his spermatozoon to the right and to the left?"

\- “In the know,” Lexa confirmed with pleasure. - "I communicated with her on Skype. She says why, not help two good girls ... And their children are so nice, one is three years old, and the other is eight months old ..."

\- “I'm shocked,” Clarke muttered and put down her plate. - "I didn't even want to eat."

\- "Come on. You haven't even seen them. They are, you know ... children of the sun, in short. Unless the third eye is open."

\- “Lexa, no,” the blonde said. - "Do not even think about it."

\- “As you say,” Lexa replied resentfully. - "I care about you, by the way. You would lie quietly at home, in our bed, and not in this awful chair, with legs raised above your head ... And I would inject sperm myself ... Do you know that stress reduces the likelihood of conception, and all sorts of pleasant sensations such as orgasm, on the contrary, increase?"

\- “I don’t know,” Clarke muttered. - "Will he live with us?"

\- "Well, yes, he will live a week during your ovulation. By the way, his name is David."

\- "What does he do in life, this David of yours? Besides insemination of lesbian couples, of course ..."

\- "He's a programmer," Lexa chuckled. - "And he also has his own island on Lake Victoria in Kenya, he lives there with his family almost all year round. In the hut. They feed on fruits that they themselves grow on the spot, and in the large rainy season they move to a small settlement somewhere in the south of Arkansas, to an eco-farm. Yes, and he goes barefoot all the time, in winter and summer. Even in the city. Something like this."

\- "Lexa, are we going to give birth to a child from a madman who lives in a hut and does not know that humanity invented shoes a long time ago?" The blonde asked in horror.

\- “He’s not crazy,” Lexa was offended. - "Just not like everyone else. And he, by the way, has green eyes ..." using the last argument, Lexa fell silent, giving her wife time to digest the information that was unusual for her.

Clarke digested the information she received for several days, after which she expressed a desire to communicate with «these weirdos from the hut» on Skype, and after talking, she began to pester Lexa, demanding to invite David «to visit» in the next cycle, thanks to yoga and special nutrition Clarke's body now worked like a clock, every month demonstrating his readiness to conceive. David - a huge dark-haired guy with bright green eyes - arrived at the appointed time and locked himself in the bathroom three times a week in order to pass a glass jar with a cloudy whitish liquid to the agitated Lexa. And all three times Lexa, wrapping the priceless treasure in a towel, ran into the bedroom to inform the blonde, soothing with foreplay:

\- “We've got ten minutes, honey. While liquefying."  
And every time after these words, Clarka was attacked by an uncontrollable burst of laughter, which, of course, greatly interfered with the process ...

*****

Lexa was sitting in the kitchen and, like Caesar, doing three things at the same time: watching the preparing dinner, writing another article on her blog and waiting for her wife, who was about to return from the doctor. Lexa was struggling with some difficult thesis that she didn’t want to be formulated when she heard the front door slam softly. Looking up, she saw a blonde trying to slip upstairs unnoticed.

\- “Stop,” Lexa commanded, and in one leap was next to Clarke, blocking her path. Seeing the reason for this behavior of her wife, she crossed her arms and asked menacingly:  
\- "Griffin, what's this?"

\- "This ... He joined to me in a cafe," the blonde looked pleadingly into the eyes of his wife. - "Look how weak is he. I couldn't leave him there."

\- “Clarke, do you think a little?" With obvious doubts about the mental usefulness of her life companion, Lexa asked, looking at the little furry kitten she was holding to her chest. - "We already have two, you know, two cats. To where more one?"

\- "It seems to be a girl ..." Clarke whispered apologetically.

\- "P-f-f-f! .." Lexa rolled her eyes and, finally, stepped aside, allowing her to pass. - "Someday I'll kick you out of the house. What are you standing? Get her to the bathroom, flea, I suppose."

After washing the skinny creature shaking with fear with a special shampoo, Lexa handed it to the blonde:

\- "Dry itself. Just be careful that she's not scratch you, she probably never saw a hair dryer."

\- “Okay,” Clarke said, still guilty. - "Can I leave her in the bedroom later? Otherwise, the bandits will score ..."

\- “Do what you want,” Lexa muttered and hurried downstairs to save the rest of the dinner. 

When the blonde went downstairs half an hour later, Lexa had already managed to convince herself that nothing terrible had happened, they say, where there are two cat's muzzles, there are three, no big deal. However, she was not going to let her wife get away with her frivolous behavior. Glancing at her spouse who had stopped at the door with a prosecutor's glance, Lexa said:

\- “Honestly, Clarke, did you dig up this monster in the trash?”

\- "Yes ..." the blonde lowered her head in repentance. - "Someone put her in a bag, wrapped it with duct tape and threw it away. Like rubbish, you understand?"

\- “I understand,” Lexa threw up her hands, - “but you seem not. Honey, in your position, you shouldn't climb the trash cans and pick up stray cats, you can catch an infection. If you don't think about kids, then at least think about me, I'll finally turn gray..."

\- "Cats and humans have almost no common ailments."

\- “But rats and humans do,” Lexa snapped.

\- "Well, don't be angry, do you hear?" Clarke walked over to her wife and wrapped her arms around her waist, laid her head on her shoulder. - "Well, pl-e-ase..."

\- “Stop sucking up,” Lexa muttered, still a little angry.

\- "I haven't even started yet ..." said the blonde and immediately ran the tip of her tongue from Lexa's collarbone up her neck. - "Now' yes ... Now I'm sucking up ..."

\- “Stop it,” Lexa tried to stop her wife. - "Dinner is ready, you need to eat."

\- "Afterwards..." Clarke whispered, pulling Lexa into a kiss while pushing her towards the kitchen table. - "Now is not up to this ..."

\- “No,” Lexa resisted with the last bit of strength and more to appear.

\- "Well, why not? I stopped feeling sick, my belly has not grown yet ... I think it's time to make love ... Well, Lexa, I miss you so much ... We had nothing for a month and a half ..."

\- "I ... I'm afraid of hurting the kids," Lexa said quietly.

\- “Your lips and tongue won't hurt them in any way,” Clarke assured. - "And besides, it's just me full of kids to the eyeballs ... But some boring donkeys today will get it in full ... Because they behaved badly ..."

\- “How? ..” Lexa asked breathlessly.

\- "The fact that they did not rush to satisfy their wife on demand ..." Clarke tried to seat her wife on the table. - "They still had to persuade ... Outrageous ..."

\- "Oh ..." Lexa moaned, feeling Clarke's hot hand between her legs. - "Wait ... What kind of porn fantasy again? .. Let's go to the bedroom ..."

\- "The sofa is closer ..." whispered the blonde and allowed her wife to seize the initiative and lead her away from the table.

After sex, the satisfied Clarke, whose gluttony increased exactly three times, ate her dinner and lay down on the sofa again, she endured pregnancy with twins quite easily, but at the same time it seemed to have switched to energy saving mode, taking a nap at every opportunity. Lexa, having washed the dishes and melted the fireplace, lay down beside her.  
Putting her head on the already slightly convex belly of her beloved, she softly blew into her navel.

\- "Hey, there, in the hold ..." Lexa called softly.

\- “It's not time to whistle everyone upstairs, honey,” Clarke replied, smiling sleepily. - "Be patient a little more. Then you will dream of shoving them back."

\- “I won't,” Lexa said confidently. - "Do you know why?"

\- "Why? .."

\- "Because I sent a request to the Universe, so that they come to our world."

\- "Did you make a request for twins?" Clarke was amazed.

\- “Yes,” Lexa confirmed, pleased with herself.

\- "Asshole..." the blonde moaned. - "Do you even know what size the belly will be? And how hard is it to carry?"

\- "Well, I'm sorry ... But you won't have to walk twice. Do you want me to roll you on a cart in the last month?"

\- “Screw you,” Clarke whimpered. - "Thank you for not triplets."

\- "Will you be comforted if I let you crumple a bunch of radishes and wash it down with goat's milk?"

\- “I don’t know,” the blonde sniffed. - "I'll be comforted, probably ..." And grumpily added: - "Why are you laying? Bring the kids sweets, since you promised ..."

Lexa sighed and obediently made her way to the refrigerator. Returning with the promised «treats», she watched in awe as Clarka, rolling her eyes in pleasure, crunched radishes, sipping from a bag of milk from time to time.

\- “Good, but not enough,” the blonde said sadly, having finished with the food, and again settled down to doze. Lexa lay down next to, but slightly lower, and buried her nose in her wife's navel.

\- “Lex? ..” Clarke broke the silence after a few minutes.

\- "Hmm?"

\- "I am so happy with you, my boring donkey ..." said the blonde, stroking her wife's silky hair.

\- “And I’m with you, my bear cub ...” answered Lexa, who was pissed off.

\- "But you know, if you stop breathing so hot into my navel, I will be even happier ..."

\- "Phew at you."

\- "Nothing phew. Come here," Clarke tugged lightly on Lexa's ear, and she climbed higher.

Leaning her forehead against the blonde’s forehead, she jokingly butted, feeling how softly and loudly the surrounding matter began to vibrate: entering into resonance, they looked into each other's eyes, and at that moment nothing existed - neither time nor space. Only they are here and now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read, I hope you liked it, I will be glad to see you in others fic, see you ))))

**Author's Note:**

> hope you like and enjoy it


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